- Judge John Channing: Mr. Gardenia, will you answer a question for me please?
- Nick Gardenia: If I can be of any help in this case, Judge, it's my pleasure.
- Judge John Channing: Mr. Gardenia, were you apprehended or did you surrender?
- Nick Gardenia: Surrendered.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: He was apprehended.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: He was apprehended after he surrendered.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: He didn't surrender to me, therefore he was apprehended.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: He was *going* to surrender to my husband after dinner. I told him to wait in the kitchen.
- Judge John Channing: [Drops pencil in disgust] And did you wait in the kitchen, Mr. Gardenia?
- Nick Gardenia: No, I had to serve dinner.
- Judge John Channing: Wait a minute. You served dinner to Mr. and Mrs. Parks?
- Nick Gardenia: And the Governor.
- Judge John Channing: The Governor? *Our* Governor?
- Nick Gardenia: I didn't ask him. He looked like our governor.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Your Honor, I think our guest list is totally irrelevant to the charges. I mean, if we're gonna get into such trivialities, we might as well discuss what was served.
- Nick Gardenia: Chicken pepperoni, your Honor. The Governor seemed to enjoy it if it has any bearing on the case.
- Judge John Channing: Hold it hold it, hold it. Just - would you hold it? Are you telling me that while every police officer in the state of California was looking for you, you were serving dinner to the District Attorney, his wife and the Governor?
- [Chuckles in disbelief]
- Judge John Channing: How is that possible?
- Nick Gardenia: Well, you have to prepare everything in advance.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: If you're innocent, they'll never send you to jail.
- Nick Gardenia: Is that how it works, Chester?
- Chester: Not in my neighborhood.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: [after Ira punches out Nicholas] Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind? Who's going to serve the coffee now?
- B.G. Ramone: Know you remember where this gun is.
- Nick Gardenia: Right side middle of the ribs
- Gas station attendant #1: What will it be boys
- B.G. Ramone: Fill it up
- Nick Gardenia: Fill it up
- Gas station attendant #1: Regular or Premium?
- Nick Gardenia: Regular
- B.G. Ramone: Premium!
- Nick Gardenia: Premium will be fine
- Gas station attendant #1: Do you want me to check the hood
- Nick Gardenia: Yea
- B.G. Ramone: No
- Nick Gardenia: No its already been checked. Thanks.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Chester. You just went through a stop sign.
- Chester: I can't help it. I don't like to read when I drive.
- Fred: What should I do Ira?
- Stanley: What should he do about what.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: The chicken, Fred is a vegetarian and doesn't know if he should eat it.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Eat the chicken Fred.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: [Reading Nick's note] "There are some things a man has to do alone. This is not one of them so I'm going for help."
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: We're going to have a serious conversation tonight.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: I'm looking forward to it.
- Nick Gardenia: Anything special you'd like for dinner?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Disbarment. Disbarment and disgrace are all that lies ahead.
- Nick Gardenia: [looking ahead] That and a big truck.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Are you saying you may not become Attorney General if I make Veal Parmesan?
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: No, I'm just saying with your ex-husband on the loose we're alot safer, with Chicken Pepperoni!
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Alright! I'll make it. Only don't make me crazy, I can't cook when I'm crazy.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: I'm not making you crazy...
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Yes, you are! Anyone who forces me to make Chicken Pepperoni is making me crazy, and you, are making me crazy!
- [She exits]
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: I'm not making her crazy.
- Stanley: Glenda, the house looks lovely. What have you done to it?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: We had it re-shingled.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: The man sleeps under my bed, drives my car, and wears my tuxedo... I just want to meet him. Hold it right there. You're under arrest.
- Fred: The police are on their way
- Nick Gardenia: Didn't like the chicken, huh?
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Your Honor, this is the kind of testimony that looks silly on the surface.
- Judge John Channing: On the surface, in the middle, and on the bottom.
- Aurora De La Hoya: Mrs. Parks.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: WHAT!
- Aurora De La Hoya: Don't snap at me.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: I'm sorry, I have a headache through my entire body.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Is this a gag?
- Fred: This is a government agency... you know we don't have a sense of humor.
- Nick Gardenia: [looks right into camera] Oh Sh**!
- Fred: [looks at Gardenia's image coming off printer] Jeee-sus!
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: No kiss, Nick. I'm a married woman with a Governor inside. No kisses, please.
- Chester: How'd we do boss?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: We won in overtime. And don't call me boss, didn't you see Roots? Chester, where'd you get that hat?
- Chester: From a chauffeur.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: You stole it.
- Chester: No, I found it.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Where?
- Chester: On a chauffeur.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Chester, the only reason I made you a chauffeur is to keep you from stealing. Why are you doing this to me?
- Chester: Because I want to be as good a chauffeur as I am a stealer.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Well, there's a certain sincere logic in that I suppose.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: I hope they shoot you! I hope they shoot you in my kitchen! And when they drag your dead body out of here, I hope they shoot you again!
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: What's that on your face?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: What's what on my face?
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: This.
- [Wiping car grease off her cheek]
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Oh, that. That's barbecue sauce.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Black barbecue sauce?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Yes. It's mexican. Very hot. Don't eat it.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: I wasn't going to.
- Thomas: My cousin's fighting; he's getting the crap kicked out of him.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: At least he's working!
- Aurora De La Hoya: He took the broom and went out the back door. He didn't say what he was going to clean up.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Oh sh**.
- Aurora De La Hoya: Well, maybe it was.
- Stanley: Well, why this man is serving us dinner has got to be one of the most interesting explanations I've ever heard.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Sorry.
- [takes his seat]
- Fred: Sorry.
- [takes his seat]
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Sorry.
- [takes her seat]
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Why did you come here, of all places?
- Nick Gardenia: Because I knew you were the one person in the world who could help me.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: I can't help you.
- Nick Gardenia: Maybe it was somebody else I was thinking of.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: [anxious to apprehend Nick Gardenia for the alleged bank robbery] The sooner he's caught, the better off we are. What are the police doing?
- Fred: The usual: road blocks, couple of helicopters, dogs - BIG dogs. Anything else?
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Could we call the Air Force and ask for saturation bombing?
- Fred: So anyway, the son of a gun lifted every one of my lecture notes in college, and *he* makes Attorney General.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Well, you can't fight crime without first experiencing it.
- Aurora De La Hoya: [In the kitchen, Glenda is rummaging in the refrigerator for food to take secretly out to Nick who's hiding in the garage] You're not gonna' serve that? That's 2-day old chicken!
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: It's for me. I'm starved.
- Aurora De La Hoya: [dejected] I was gonna' take that home tonight.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: I'm gonna' eat outside.
- [she grabs a six-pack of beer as well]
- Aurora De La Hoya: There goes my beer, too.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: I need to be alone for 5 minutes. And don't tell anybody where I am.
- Aurora De La Hoya: Okay.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: [Ira pops his head into the kitchen] Have you seen Mrs. Parks?
- Aurora De La Hoya: She's not outside eating chicken, that's for sure.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Oh, why am I doing all this? Why do I believe you? You haven't taken any of this seriously for a second! You've been having the best time, haven't you? Look at you, with that silly smirk on your face!
- Nick Gardenia: I tried a serious smirk, but it didn't feel right.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: It's all just a game to you, isn't it? I bet you banged up your leg on purpose, just to make it more interesting.
- Nick Gardenia: You know, Glenda, there was a time when you had a pretty good sense of humor.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: I remember it. It was the day I married you.
- Nick Gardenia: Uh oh...
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: You haven't changed in all these years, Nick. Nothing ever fazes you. You're still a boy. When will you ever grow up?
- Nick Gardenia: I am trying, Glenda. I grew a moustache, but it fell off... Ah, why don't we forget about it? Just lend me a cup and some pencils, and I'll make it on my own.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Okay. You win. You're too smart for us, Ira. Nick and I *purposely* got a divorce so I could marry you, knowing that you would buy a house with a room over the garage, so, that when he was kidnapped, after he'd spent 2 years in a Mexican jail, robbed a bank in Carmel and the police were after him, he could then hide out in our spare room, so, while you and I were throwing parties to celebrate your running for Attorney General I would be able to run up there, sneak away, and be able to spend 35 seconds alone with Nick! I've been found out. I confess. I confess!
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: You're having a breakdown, aren't you?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: A big one!
- Nick Gardenia: Can I at least have some food, Glenda? I've had nothing to eat but old candy bars. I'm beginning to break out.
- Nick Gardenia: I don't want your credit cards! I want my Milk Duds! I haven't eaten in two days, I'm desperate. Now, move!
- Thomas: Can we buy you a beer?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: No, you can't buy me a beer, you're on probation. Try Dr Pepper.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: I'm so tired. Let's just get in to bed. Tell me in the morning if we made love.
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