Victor/Victoria (1982)

Julie Andrews: Victoria Grant

Photos 

Quotes 

• Victoria : The bourguignon was just a little tough.

  Waiter : Maybe the way you are eating your jaws are getting tired.

  Toddy : Speaking of overworked jaws, why don't you treat yours to a sabbatical and fetch me a wine list?

  Victoria : [holding up a glass]  This is all they have.

  Toddy : This? The last time I saw a specimen like this, they had to shoot the horse!

  Waiter : [irritated]  How lucky can you get? In one evening a Rockefeller... and a Groucho Marx.

  Toddy : Oh, they didn't shoot a real horse... just a costume with two waiters in it.

  Waiter : I shall think of a sharp retort while I am getting your roast chicken.

  Toddy : It's a wise man who knows when to throw in the towel.

  Waiter : And it is a moron who gives advice to a horse's arse.

• Victoria : How long have you been a homosexual?

  Toddy : How long have you been a soprano?

  Victoria : Since I was 12.

  Toddy : I was a late bloomer.

• King Marchand : I don't care if you are a man.

  [kisses Victoria] 

  Victoria : I'm... not a man.

  King Marchand : I still don't care.

• [Trying to explain why she can't pass for a man] 

  Victoria : Men have Adam's apples.

  Toddy : So do some women.

  Victoria : Name one.

  Toddy : Nana Lanu.

  Victoria : Nana Lanu, who's she?

  Toddy : The last woman I slept with.

  Victoria : When was that?

  Toddy : The night before the morning I decided to become a homosexual.

• Victoria : Your problem, Mr. Marchand, is that you're preoccupied with stereotypes. I think it's as simple as you're one kind of man, I'm another.

  King Marchand : And what kind are you?

  Victoria : One that doesn't have to prove it. To myself, or anyone.

• [Victoria is crying & Toddy is holding her] 

  Toddy : God, there'd been times I'd given my soul to cry like that.

  Victoria : [sobs]  I hate it!

  Toddy : You wouldn't if you couldn't do it anymore.

• Toddy : You know, it's very strange. At the club, I thought you were just about at the end of your rope.

  Victoria : Oh, I was. I am! This is the first decent meal I've had in almost four days.

  Toddy : And you can't pay for it?

  Victoria : [makes breaking motion with hands]  Caseé!

  Toddy : [chuckling]  And you want me to have dinner with you?

  Victoria : I want you to have the best damn dinner you ever had. Have two! I started off with the roast chicken and I segued to boeuf bourguignon. It's anybody's guess what I could end up with.

  Toddy : Oh, I'd guess about thirty days.

  Victoria : If all goes well, I expect to leave here poor, but sated. I have a... a bug in my purse. At the appropriate moment, it goes in my salad.

  Toddy : It'll never work.

  Victoria : A bug in my salad?

  Toddy : In a place like this, it would be an event if there WASN'T a bug in your salad.

  Victoria : What about a... cockroach?

  Toddy : [shocked]  A cockroach!

  Victoria : Shhh! Bigger than your thumb!

  Toddy : Ew, God!

• Victoria : I know this is going to sound crazy, but I don't know if I'm even gonna be able to *sleep*, I'm so tired.

  Toddy : I'll get you a cognac.

  Victoria : That'll help me sleep?

  Toddy : No, but it makes staying awake a hell of a lot more fun.

• [Victoria's audition has been rejected] 

  Victoria : In spite of what you think, Monsieur Labisse, there are professions where practice *does* make perfect.

  [she hits a high note, causing Labisse's wine glass to shatter, and leaves angrily] 

  Labisse : What in hell was that?

  Toddy : B flat.

• [lying in bed] 

  King Marchand : Penny?

  Victoria : Oh, nothing. There are a lot of things, I guess. I want to make a deal. No secrets, no grudge collecting. If something bothers us, we say so, okay?

  King Marchand : Okay.

  Victoria : And we don't plan past tomorrow. Just take it a day at a time.

  King Marchand : Deal.

• King Marchand : If you were a man, I'd knock your block off.

  Victoria : And prove that *you're* a man?

  King Marchand : That's a woman's argument.

• Victoria : You know, pretending to be a man does have its disadvantages.

  [Victoria goes into the bathroom, leaving Toddy alone in bed] 

  Toddy : [wistfully]  My dear Count, you just said a cotton pickin' mouthful.

• Victoria : I was the leading soprano for the Bath Touring Light Opera Company...

  Toddy : You're very athletic for a soprano.

  Victoria : That's because I had three brothers.

  Toddy : Oh, I know what you mean. I grew up with two older sisters.

• King Marchand : I just find it hard to believe that you're a man.

  Victoria : Because you found me attractive as a woman?

  King Marchand : Yes, as a matter of fact.

  Victoria : That happens frequently.

  King Marchand : Not to me.

  Victoria : Just proves the old adage: "There's a first time for everything."

  King Marchand : I don't think so.

  Victoria : But you're not a hundred per cent sure?

  King Marchand : Practically.

  Victoria : Ah, but to a man like you, someone who believes he could never, under any circumstances find another man attractive, the margin between "practically" and "for sure" must be as wide as the Grand Canyon.

• Victoria : [singing]  Crazy world / Full of crazy contradictions, like a child, first you drive me wild / And then you win my heart, with your wicked art / One minute tender, gentle, then temperamental as a summer storm / Just when I believe your heart's getting warmer / You're cold and you're cruel, and I, like a fool / try to cope, try to hang on to hope...

  Victoria : Crazy world / Every day the same old roller coaster ride, but I've got my pride / I won't give in, even though I know I'll never win / Oh, how I love this crazy world.

• Victoria : All I want is a nice hot bath.

  Toddy : Oh, I had one once. You'll love it.

• [the manager is pressing a starving Victoria for her rent] 

  Manager of Victoria's hotel : You promised to pay me on Tuesday, then on Wednesday, then on Thursday...

  Victoria : [pointing at his bib]  What's that?

  Manager of Victoria's hotel : What?

  [Victoria runs a finger over a food stain and tastes it] 

  Victoria : Spaghetti?

  Manager of Victoria's hotel : Uh, yes, with meatballs.

  Victoria : I'll sleep with you for a meatball.

  Manager of Victoria's hotel : [taken aback]  You would?

  Victoria : Oh, missed your chance.

  [faints] 

• Victoria : Oh, what happened?

  Manager of Victoria's hotel : You made a certain offer to me which I could not refuse, and then you pretended to faint.

  Victoria : Don't be ridiculous, I never *pretend* to faint...

  [the manager begins half carrying Victoria to her bed] 

  Victoria : What are you doing?

  Manager of Victoria's hotel : I am, uh, helping you to stand up!

  Victoria : That's funny, I thought I *was* standing up!

  Manager of Victoria's hotel : Maybe you'd like to lie down!

  Victoria : You're confusing me!

• Victoria : Could I see the wine list?

  Waiter : We have a white 1934, we have a red 1934. Last week we had some Rosee, but we're using it in the salad.

• Victoria : Let me ask you a question.

  Toddy : You want to know if I'm a homosexual.

  Victoria : No. I want to know if you're a hypochondriac.

• Toddy : You were willing to compromise your virtue for a meatball!

  Victoria : Well, I was out of my mind at the time, and at least it was something for something.

• Victoria : Well it's probably for the best.

  King Marchand : That's as bad as "love is a two-way street."

  Victoria : What it lacks in originality it makes up for in prophecy.

• Labisse : Take my advice and stick to Carmen

  Victoria : I am a coloratura, Mr. Labisse, not a mezzo.

• Victoria : Oh, I'm sure that with a little practice, l...

  Labisse : Lady, that is like a nun saying, with a little practice, she could become a streetwalker.

• Toddy : What's wrong?

  Victoria : "What's wrong?" What's right? A woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman?

  Toddy : Ridiculous.

  Victoria : lt's preposterous.

  Toddy : In fact, it's so preposterous, no one would ever believe it.

  Victoria : And you you expect them to believe Count - what's his name?

  Toddy : Grazinski.

  Victoria : Grazinski, a gay, Polish female impersonator.

  Toddy : Darling, all anyone has to believe is that you're a man. To convince an audience that an illusion is real - the magician creates a plausible diversion. Count Grazinski is our plausible diversion.

• Victoria : As you can tell, Monsieur Labisse, I have a legitimate voice.

  Labisse : Yes, well, you see, I am looking for something a little more illegitimate.

• Victoria : Who's King Marchand?

  Andre Cassell : Among other things, he's the most successful nightclub owner in Chicago.

  Toddy : And the other things?

  Andre Cassell : Oh, nothing worth mentioning if you want to stay alive.

• Victoria : Toddy, I don't know how to act like a man.

  Toddy : Contrary to the popular conception of how a man acts, there are all sorts of men who act in all sorts of ways.

  Victoria : I mean, as opposed to the way *women* act.

  Toddy : I am personally acquainted with at least a dozen men who act exactly like women - and vice versa.

• Victoria : Did Miss Lanoux have a big Adam's apple?

  Toddy : Like a coconut!

• Victoria : There are just some things that are *naturally* masculine.

  Toddy : Name one.

  Victoria : Um. Um. Peeing standing up.

  Toddy : Oh, on the other hand, there's absolutely no rule that says a man can't sit down.

• Victoria : Oh, God! I'll never make it.

  Toddy : Now, listen to me, from the beginning we've had two major obstacles to overcome.

  Victoria : My bosom.

  Toddy : First, to convince everyone that you're a man. Now, so far, we've done that.

  Victoria : It's been damn uncomfortable.

  Toddy : What has?

  Victoria : Strapping down my bosom.

  Toddy : Now, all you've got to do is to get out and show them what a great entertainer you are and you'll be a star for the next 20 years.

  Victoria : Toddy, if I have to strap down my bosom for the next 20 years they're gonna end up looking like two empty wallets.

• Toddy : What did you think of King Marchand?

  Victoria : King Marchand is an arrogant, opinionated, chauvinistic pain in the ass.

  Toddy : I think I could fall in love with him.

  Victoria : I think I could, too.

• Victoria : [singing]  So come on in and play me, "Le Jazz Hot", baby, 'Cos I love my Jazz... hot! Love, Jazz, Hot!

• Toddy : One bedroom, one bed, promotes the illusion that we're lovers.

  Victoria : Well, if for some reason we decide we'd rather sleep apart, there's more than enough room in the bathtub.

  Toddy : Yes. And if we have an overnight guest, he can always stretch out in the bidet.

• Victoria : I - love you.

  Toddy : I love you, too, sir.

• Toddy : Oh, the bathroom is a religious experience.

  Victoria : I can hardly wait.

• Toddy : [brings a cognac]  Here. Guaranteed to lift your spirits and warm your cockles.

  Victoria : That's my trouble. I don't have any cockles.

• Victoria : [singing]  When she passed their way, The lady knocked 'em out, But they'd shout, "Olé" all day, Seville isn't that much to shout about, But when she was out traffic stood still, Dressed like a vamp or a Pamplona tramp, She could stampede the menfolk at will...

• Victoria : You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

  Toddy : Shame is an unhappy emotion invented by pietists in order to exploit the human race.

• Victoria : You don't believe in shame?

  Toddy : I believe in happiness.

• Victoria : I find it all - really fascinating. There are things available to me as a man that I could never have as a woman. I'm emancipated.

  King Marchand : Emancipated?

  Victoria : Well, I'm my own man, so to speak.

• King Marchand : You could educate me.

  Victoria : I have the feeling that educating you would be about as redundant as teaching a lion to like red meat.

• Toddy , Victoria : [singing]  You and me, We're the kind of people other people, Would like to be, Wandering free...

• King Marchand : May I ask you a personal question?

  Victoria : A clever man once said: "It's not the questions I'm worried about."

• King Marchand : If you think I'm worried about everybody thinking I'm a fag, you're right.

  Victoria : So, we have a problem.

  King Marchand : I guess we have.

• René - Photographer : Victor, darling, do you think you could possibly manage to look a little less funereal?

  Victoria : René, darling.

  René - Photographer : Yes?

  Victoria : Why don't you go suck an egg?

• Victoria : Holy merde!