- Sergeant Nash: [Jess has managed to keep the caller on the line for almost a full two minutes, allowing the phone company to trace the call] Uh, Lt. Fuller?
- Lt. Fuller: Yeah, Nash, what is it?
- Sergeant Nash: The phone company's on the other line, sir. They say they got a trace on this one.
- Lt. Fuller: Yeah, let's have it!
- Sergeant Nash: He says the calls are coming from #6 Belmont Street.
- Lt. Fuller: For Christ's sakes, Nash, you got it wrong. That's where the calls are going into.
- Sergeant Nash: That's where they're coming from too, sir.
- Lt. Fuller: [pause] Oh, shit...
- Barb: Oh, why don't you go find a wall socket and stick your tongue in it? That'll give you a charge.
- Lt. Fuller: [hands Nash a form] What's this?
- Sergeant Nash: Oh, that's the number of the sorority house.
- Lt. Fuller: Fellatio?
- Sergeant Nash: Yeah, it's a new exchange: FE.
- Lt. Fuller: [suppressing a laugh] A new exchange?
- Sergeant Nash: Yeah, Fellatio. One of the girls that was in this afternoon gave it to me.
- Lt. Fuller: [sarcastically] She gave it to you?
- Sergeant Nash: Yeah.
- Lt. Fuller: Nash, I don't think you could pick your nose without written instructions.
- [takes the form and walks back to his desk]
- Sergeant Nash: [thinks for a moment] I know. It's something dirty, ain't it?
- Mrs. Mac: [mocking Mr. Harrison] "I didn't sent my daughter here to be drinking and picking up boys." Tough shit! I was supposed to be responsible
- [takes hearty swig from bottle of wine]
- Mrs. Mac: for the morals of every girl in this Goddamn house. These broads would hump the Leaning Tower of Pisa if they could get up there!
- Sergeant Nash: [after Sergeant Nash calls the sorority house] Who is this?
- Jess: It's Jess.
- Sergeant Nash: Ah, Ms. Bradford, eh, this is Sergeant Nash. Are you the only one in the house?
- Jess: No. Phyl and Barb are upstairs asleep. Why?
- Sergeant Nash: All right. Now, I want you to do exactly what I tell you without asking any questions, okay?
- [Jess tries to ask something]
- Sergeant Nash: No, no, no... no questions. Now, just put the phone back on the hook, walk to the front door and leave the house.
- Jess: What's wrong?
- Sergeant Nash: Please, Ms. Bradford, please just do as I tell you.
- Jess: Okay. I'll get Phyl and Barb.
- Sergeant Nash: No, no, no! Don't do that, Jess... Jess, the caller is in the house. The calls are coming from the house!
- Sergeant Nash: Excuse me? Could you give me the number at the sorority house? Please?
- Barb: Yeah, sure. It's, ah... Fellatio 20880. Fellatio. It's a new exchange, FE.
- Sergeant Nash: That's a new one on me. How do you spell it?
- Barb: Capital F, E, little L, L-A, T-I-O.
- Sergeant Nash: Thanks.
- Barb: Don't mention it.
- Mrs. Mac: [looking at a hideous nightgown gift the sorority girls have given her] Jesus, I wouldn't wear this to have my liver out!
- Barb: Did you know, this is a very little known fact, but... did you know that there's a certain species of turtle that... there's a certain species of turtle that can screw for three days without stopping. You don't believe me, do you? Well, I-I mean, how could I make something like that up?
- Mrs. Mac: Ah, Barb, dear, ah, I-I-I-ah...
- Barb: No, really! They just... three days, 24 hours a day, wha-voom! Wha-voom! Wha-voom! Can you believe that, three days? I'm lucky if I get three minutes! Do you know how I know this? Because I went down to the zoo and I watched them. It was very boring. Well actually, um, I, uh, didn't stay for the whole three days, I went over and I watched the zebras, because they only take thirty seconds! Premature ejaculation!
- [upon seeing that Mrs. Mac is coming inside the house]
- Barb: Speaking of professional virgins, here we have the Queen of Vaudeville circa 1891.
- Sergeant Nash: Bernie? Call the doc.
- Farmer: I'm not letting no son of a bitch trespass on my land in the middle of the night! I don't care what kind of a uniform he has!
- Lt. Fuller: What the hell's going on here?
- Cop #1: He fired on a police officer.
- Farmer: You goddamn right! I'll do it again, too. The bastard was tresspassing!
- Sergeant Nash: Hogan got an ass full of birdshot.
- Cop #2: Yeah, I'm gonna make the son of a bitch pick every one of 'em out with his teeth.
- Farmer: The next time you're gonna get the gun up your ass! Sideways!
- Mrs. Mac: [singing as she packs her suitcase] Alligators come through the gate, but goodbye leg if ya get away late! Lollies love to pop!
- Billy: [quietly singing] Little baby bunting / Daddy's gone a-hunting / Gone to fetch a rabbit skin / To wrap his baby Agnes in...
- [after the mysterious caller hangs up]
- Clare: I really don't think you should provoke somebody like that, Barb.
- Barb: Oh listen, this guy is minor league. In the city, I get two of those a day.
- Clare: Well, maybe. But you know that town girl was raped a couple of weeks ago.
- Barb: Darling, you can't rape a townie.
- Peter: Jess, what's wrong?
- Jess: A little girl was found murdered in the park.
- Peter: What?
- Jess: The search party that was looking for Clare found a little girl murdered. Clare's still missing.
- Peter: Oh, Clare's all right.
- Jess: Is she?
- Peter: [comes to sit next to her] Now, listen, Jess, I know you're upset, but I've got something to tell you.
- Jess: Hmm?
- Peter: I'm leaving the conservatory.
- Jess: Peter...!
- [sighs]
- Peter: Now, just hear me out. Will you hear me out, please? Now, I've lived in one room for eight years, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to line up behind six people every time I wanna take a bath. I've had it! I'm quitting the conservatory, and we're getting married.
- [she looks at him in stunned surprise]
- Peter: Well, say something.
- Jess: Do you remember when we first met? You told me about your wanting to be a concert pianist. How it was your greatest dream. And I told you about some of the things I wanted to do. I still wanna do those things. You can't ask me to drop everything I've been working for and give up all my ambitions because your plans have changed. Be realistic. I can't marry you.
- Peter: Sure you can! What does it change? We could be married. You could still do anything you wanted to do.
- Jess: [shakes her head] Peter, I don't wanna marry you.
- Peter: [sighs] All right. What about the baby?
- Barb: [to staid Mr. Harrison, drunk and slurring her words:] Do you know...? This is a very little-known fact, but... Did you know that there's a certain species of turtle... a... there's a certain species of turtle... that can *screw* for three days without stopping?
- [wide-eyed response]
- Barb: You don't believe me, do you? But, I - I mean, how can I make something like that up?
- Mrs. Mac: Uh... Barb, dear, uh, I - I - I...
- Barb: No, really! They just... three days, twenty-four hours a day, va-voom... va-voom... va-voom...
- [her hands imitate fornicating tortoises]
- Barb: Can you believe that, three days? The most I get is three minutes.
- [drunken smile]
- Barb: Do you know how I know this? It was... I went down to the *zoo* and I watched them.
- [all the time, the frowning face of Mr. Harrison, and Mrs. Mac stands there with a plastered-on smile]
- Barb: It was ve-ry boring. Well, actually, uh, I, uh, didn't stay for the whole three days. I went over and I watched the *zebras,* because...
- [through giggles:]
- Barb: they only take thirty seconds. Premature ejaculation...
- [collapses in a heap of laughter]
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