Revenge of the Pink Panther (1978)

Peter Sellers: Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau

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Quotes 

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [Dreyfus shoots a gun at Clouseau a couple times]  It's me!

  Chief Insp. Dreyfus : I know!

  [Dreyfus laughs and starts shooting again] 

• Cato : Please, boss! I thought you were dead!

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : So as a tribute to my memory, you open this - this Chinese nookie factory?

  Cato : I had to do something to keep busy. Besides, a first-rate joint like this can make as much as three-four hundred thousand a year!

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Is that net?

• [Philippe Douvier just set up a trap for Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau and invited him to it with a phone call] 

  Simone Le Gree : That's so obvious, he's bound to think it's a trap...

  Philippe Douvier : Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't be a trap.

  Cato : It's so obvious, it's bound to be a trap.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : That is why you'll never be a great detective, Cato. It's so obvious that it could not possibly be a trap.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Now, this time *I'm* going to stand on *your* shoulders!

  Cato : What good will that do?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Because I'm taller than you are, you fool!

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : You mean Douvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his godfather?

• Simone Le Gree : Now why do you suppose he wanted to have me killed?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Elementary. He wanted you dead.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Special delivery - a bomb

  [pronounced "beumb"] 

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Were you expecting one? A beaum?

• Simone Legree : Oh, my God.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Mine, too.

• [Inspector Clouseau, disguised as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, explains why he can't give a tip to the postman] 

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : I'm a little short.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : You have the right to remain silent, but let me tell you this, I am not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill transvestite.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : But these aren't normal times. Cato. Someone just tried to kill me.

  Cato : That's normal.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Ah, but this time, he thinks he had succeed.

• Chief Insp. Dreyfus : Clouseau?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Yes?

  Chief Insp. Dreyfus : Are you wounded?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : No. Fortunately I was saved by the darkness.

  Chief Insp. Dreyfus : So what we need is more light.

• Sgt. François Chevalier : Why don't you get out of those wet clothes? You could catch pneumonia.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Yes, I know that. I know that. I will do as soon as I get home, provided that idiot Cato does not attack me first.

  Sgt. François Chevalier : Why don't you just tell him not to?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Believe me, it's not that easy. I have given him instructions to attack me wherever and whenever possible, and it has now become a matter of pride with him to try to outsmart me. I guarantee that at this very minute, his fiendish little yellow brain is plotting some new ambush.

• [Clouseau is disguised as a salty Swedish sea dog and finds out about Le Club Foot from French informant Fernet. He starts walking away, singing a well-known pirate song wrong] 

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Ooohhh, sixteen chests on a dead man's rum/Yo-ho-ho in the bottle of the chest/Drink to the devils and done for the rums/Hooooooooooooooooooooo!

• [dressed as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, and singing] 

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Thank heaven for the little girls. They keep getting smaller every day.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [after Dreyfus faints when seeing Clouseau]  Now I know why this place looks so familiar.

  Simone Legree : Why?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Chief Inspector Dreyfus lives here.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Well, Sir, until we meet again in New York, the case is sol-ved.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Peak A Boo!

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Who were those two men have tried to kill you last night?

  Simone Legree : Killers.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Hey! Mamma Mia! Ho-ho! Spagettino to Al Pacino.

• Simone Legree : But I saw your funeral on TV!

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Yes, even the Poop was there, you know?

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [after his car literally breaks down]  Cato, I very much suspect that the Hornet is overdue for a service, so if you don't mind, I'll use your car tonight.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : You keep talking about this Douvier.

  Simone Legree : Mm-hmm.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : But Philippe, who is... who is-who is Philippe?

  Simone Legree : Philippe Douvier.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : His son?

  Simone Legree : Whose son?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Douvier.

  Simone Legree : He has no son.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : His brother, then?

  Simone Legree : His brother's name is Fred.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Then it has to be his father.

  Simone Legree : His father's dead.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Ah! Now we're getting somewhere. Then who killed him?

  Simone Legree : No one. He died of natural causes.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Then who is this Philippe?

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : It's only an old salty Swedish sea dog out there from the salty seas, you know.

  Man at Pier : Hello, Inspector.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : CHIEF Inspector!

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Fortunately, Professor Balls took refuge behind a new shipment of inflatable goiters, which cushioned the force of the explosion.

  Police Commissioner : Inflatable goiters?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Yes, his Valentine's Day collection.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [in drag]  You know me. I'm Chief Inspector Clouseau of the Sûreté!

  Officer Bardot : And I am Officer Bardot.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Bardot?

  Officer Bardot : But you can call me Brigitte.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Brigitte! Please don't, Brigitte. You're making an understandable mistake. Don't let my legs fool you. I'm really a man.

• Claude Russo : If you don't want to freeze to death, you'd better put on the dress.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Never!

  Claude Russo : Suit yourself. But the dress is an original Dior, and you've got sensational legs.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : The old "pull off the road" ploy, huh?

  Claude Russo : Yes, and then we will see how you do with the old "take off all your clothes" ploy.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Madam, I demand to know exactly what is going on in here.

  Mrs. Wu : Well, just about anything your little heart desires. But first, why don't you relax? Give Benson your hat and your coat, have a drink, get to know the girls, and then, when you are up to it, you can choose from a wide variety of exciting little diversions.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : I warn you, Tanya, the Easter Lotus, I am opposed to the women's libs. Man is the master, and women's place is in the home.

• Mrs. Wu : Allow me to introduce Tanya, the Lotus Eater.

  [Tanya dressed in leather, holding a whip] 

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : What else does she do?

• Cato : A smart operator can clear himself a couple of hundred grand - and that ain't exactly chicken feed.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : No. No - and 10 years on Devil's Island ain't exactly the chicken's feet either, my greedy, little yellow pimp.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Listen, when you have been killed as many times as I have, you get used to it, believe me.

• Simone Legree : It's not gonna do you much good if you don't take your pants off.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : What?

  Simone Legree : You gotta take your pants off.

• Simone Legree : How many people do you think know that Douvier, the millionaire businessman, is also Douvier, the French Connection? How many?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Well, I suppose his mother, for one.

• Simone Legree : But if you're not dead, who's dead?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : A wandering transvestite took my car and stole my clothes at gunpoint. I have been working under the covers tracking the killer.

• Dr. Auguste Balls : Now, how can I serve you?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Well, I...

  Dr. Auguste Balls : Through wind and mud, snow and hail, whether long or short, dark or pale, remember that when duty calls, you've got Balls.

  Simone Legree : I gotta sit down.

• Simone Legree : Not me. Not me. I am not going to Hong Kong. Are you kidding me? Douvier would shoot me on sight.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Not if he doesn't recognize you and he won't.

  Simone Legree : Why not?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : We will leave that up to the great Balls.

  Simone Legree : The great - balls?

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : My goodness, you look *ravishing* tonight.

  Simone Legree : Oh, yes, I know that.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : You know that?

  Simone Legree : Oh, yes, I know that.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Yes, I knew that you knew that. Yes.

  Simone Legree : You did? I knew you knew I knew that.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Allow me to let you in the car.

• Simone Legree : What made you decide to become a detective?

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Well, it's not something one decides every day of the week, you know. But in my case, it began when my great-aunt was kidnapped and held for ransom by an unlicensed Armenian phrenologist.

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Have you ever had your bumps read?

  Simone Legree : I don't think so.

  Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : I would guess that your bumps would make excellent reading. Would you mind if I read your bumps someday?

• Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau : What? You mean Douvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his godfather?