- Dick Martin: [during opening credits] You told me we're equal partners. Sixty/forty, we split everything down the middle... Except Florence.
- Dan Rowan: I am not interested in half of Florence.
- Dick Martin: You don't know what you're missing.
- Molly Fletcher: When would you like to move in? We could be out by tonight.
- Harold Fenster: Oh, it's not for me. It's for my parents. They're getting on, you know and... well they won't be around much longer.
- Molly Fletcher: Ideal house for them! Right next to a cemetery.
- Ernest Grey: Molly!
- Ernest Grey: I got news for you, Molly. As of today, the partnership of Smith and Grey is defunct.
- Molly Fletcher: Well, hallelujah! No more Mr. Big Mouth!
- Sam Smith: Are you going to let your housekeeper insult a guest in that fashion? Why, I have a good mind to pack up and leave.
- Molly Fletcher: Promises, promises!
- Lt. Tim Crane: A body was found in a cemetery last night.
- Ernest Grey: Well, that seems like a logical place to find a body.
- Lt. Tim Crane: Somebody forgot to bury this one.
- Sam Smith: You're gonna give up two million bucks to save a housekeeper? Have you ever tasted her spaghetti?
- Sam Smith: Well don't just stand there, go take a look!
- Ernest Grey: You heard him, go take a look!
- Molly Fletcher: I heard him, let him go take a look!
- Sam Smith: Just sign this contract, my little Pomeranian, I'll have you in dog bisquits the rest of your life.
- Sam Smith: Adolph, before your very eyes, a human being turns into a wolf, at night.
- Adolph Springer: At night?
- Sam Smith: Yes!
- Adolph Springer: What about matinees?
- Sam Smith: Oh...
- Mona: Day and night, that's all he thinks about!
- Adolph Springer: Would you believe this woman? A one track mind! I'm talking business!
- Mona: So talk!
- Adolph Springer: So I'm talking.
- Sgt. Kelvaney: Now what would a stiff be doing with a phone number on his chest?
- Ernest Grey: Maybe it's an unlisted number.
- Sgt. Kelvaney: Don't get cute.
- Sam Smith: You mean you'd double cross your own brother?
- Carlotta Ravenswood: Wouldn't you for two million dollars?
- Sam Smith: I haven't got a brother.
- Carlotta Ravenswood: Neither have I...
- Sam Smith: We're shooting an art film!
- Police Officer: Looks like a stag film to me.
- Saundra: I only work in family type pictures.
- Police Officer: Young lady, how old are you?
- Saundra: Eighteen...
- Police Officer: Lets see your I.D. card.
- Ernest Grey: Why, she's not drinking?
- Sam Smith: Yeah...
- Intertitle Card: [Scene of Medieval peasant slaves plays on the screen] Foreword: In 1278, fear and oppression gripped Outer Mongolia where the peasantry grovelled under the bloody heel of Irving the Horrible...
- Intertitle Card: This story has nothing to do with Irving, we just thought you might be interested.
- Sam Smith: [Opening the door to the motel room] After you, my dear.
- Carlotta Ravenswood: [Entering the room] A motel room... How utterly American.
- Sam Smith: Everything deluxe.
- Carlotta Ravenswood: [chuckling seductively] I've heard what goes on in these places.
- Sam Smith: It's what comes off that counts.
- Intertitle card: [as US Navy theme song "Anchors Aweigh" plays] Our grateful acknowledgement to the United States Navy who wanted nothing to do with this picture - but reluctantly lent us their song.
- Sam Smith: I can see it now: ten beautiful chorus broads, all dressed like Little Red Riding Hood, and out you come, the Big Bad Werewolf, fangs dripping, palms itching, howling your head off, what a beautiful thing that'll be!
- Dr. Charles Strauss: A man's life is at stake.
- Sam Smith: Stake? That's for vampires, you told me yourself.
- Sam Smith: I wanna buy your house.
- Ernest Grey: With what?
- Sam Smith: I'll raise the money if I have to hock my soul.
- Ernest Grey: Your soul and a dime just might get you a copy of the Flushing Daily News.
- Sam Smith: You don't trust me?
- Ernest Grey: That's about it.
- Sgt. Kelvaney: [about Molly] How do you turn her off?
- Ernest Grey: You don't. You just let her run down.
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