- Dolly "Gallagher" Levi: Money, pardon the expression, is like manure. It's not worth a thing unless it's spread around, encouraging young things to grow.
- Irene Molloy: Mr. Vandergelder is a substantial man they tell me, and very well-liked.
- Cornelius Hackl: Oh, he's a lovely man.
- Irene Molloy: And a large circle of friends.
- Cornelius Hackl: Oh, yes indeed. Five or six.
- Barnaby Tucker: Five.
- [Stack finds a purse full of money - the one lost by Mr. Vandergelder, but Stack thinks it was lost by Cornelius]
- Malachi Stack: You surprised that I want to get rid of this money so quickly? Well, I'll explain it to you: There was a time in my life that my chief interest was picking up money that didn't belong to me. Now, stealin's a weakness. There's some people who say you shouldn't have no weaknesses at all... no vices. But, if a man has no vices he's in great danger of making vices out of his virtues. That's a spectacle. We've all seen 'em. No... no... Nurse one vice to your bosom. Give it the attention that it deserves and let your virtues spring up modestly around it. I took to whiskey - whiskey took to me. Then I discovered one important rule that I'm going to pass on to you..."Never support two weaknesses at the same time." It's your 'combination sinners' that dishonor the vices and bring them into bad repute. There's nothing worse than for a man to be a drunkard AND a thief. So, now you know why I want to get rid of this money. I want to keep my mind free to do credit to the whiskey that it deserves. And my last word to you is this: One vice at a time.
- Dolly "Gallagher" Levi: Life is never quite interesting enough. You people who come to the movies know that. So I manage things a little. Nature isn't satisfactory, quite, and so it has to be corrected. So I put my hand in here and my hand in there.
- Dolly "Gallagher" Levi: The very young are almost as smart as the very old, Cornelius. It's in the middle that you get in all the trouble.
- Dolly "Gallagher" Levi: [after the two clerks emerge from under a table] Good heavens, who else is under there?
- Horace Vandergelder: 99% of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
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