In the opening credits, somebody sings "Sexpot Goes To College," which is an alternate title for this flick. I can think of a few more titles, but I don't want to get banned. This is one of the greatest wastes of non-talent ever conceived. Granted, you don't expect much from a Mamie Van Doren flick, but this thing is truly abysmal.
A robot/computer named THINKO selects the newest faculty member for Collins College. That would be Mamie, who has 13 degrees, can speak 18 languages, and has a sign over her bed reading "Over One Million Served." The reaction of the welcoming committee consists of astonishment (Louis Nye), disapproval (Pamela Mason), and lust (Martin Milner). Mamie tries to impress them with her knowledge of theoretical mechanics: "When I blast off, I've got an escape velocity which gets me to my aphelion point practically instantaneously." Actually, I understood that. Mamie is introduced to the science class, and gives a psychology demonstration by firing two pistols. Next, she sets her sights on helping the star football player overcome his shyness. The football player is played by Woo Woo Grabowski, whose character's name happens to be Woo Woo Grabowski. Woo Woo is being wooed by Tuesday Weld, who looks cute but does not give her performance the old college try. Elsewhere, we have Minjanou Bardot (Brigitte's sister) as a student who apparently is writing a book about sex, two moronic gangsters (Mickey Shaughnessy and Alan Drake playing characters named "Boomie" and "Legs" who think THINKO is a bookie), John Carradine as a lecherous biology professor, Jackie Coogan as Admiral Wildcat MacPherson, and Jose Gonzales-Gonzales as a Mexican.
The thin plot involves the discovery that Mamie used to be a dancer named "Tassels Monclair." So I'm not sure how she found the time to get so highly educated. Mamie does get to dance in a tight silver dress, and sings "Baby," accompanied by Conway Twitty's band. This is definitely the highlight of the film, but it quickly deteriorates as Coogan, Carradine, Nye, and some other guy prance around with her, and do a weak impersonation of a chorus line. Then everybody scatters when a monkey shoots off a machine gun. Apparently, even Cheetah can pass a background check.
There are a few subplots, but they are hardly worth mentioning. In fact, I can't even describe them. The dialogue is witless, as witnessed by this exchange between Bardot and Drake:
Bardot: "Parlez-vous francais?"
Drake: "Not if I can help it baby, it gives me gas."
ROFLMGasO
This makes at least three films I've seen with the musclebound and mentally challenged Woo Woo Grabowski - "College Confidential," "The Beat Generation," and now this. I have no idea what he is doing in any of these films, and apparently neither does he. Coogan is obviously doing a W. C. Fields impersonation, and falls flat. Shaughnessy seems to be channeling Lou Costello; please, switch channels. Horny Carradine gets to do the Charleston and the tango with Mamie. Nye spends the entire film looking like he is suffering from hemorrhoids. Vampira has a bit part as Nye's assistant; I didn't even notice it was her until one of the final scenes. Bardot needs to have her libido excised. Pamela Mason is out of her league. It's no wonder a few years later she cleaned out hubby James in the divorce; she couldn't have made any money from this dreck. Milner overacts, does doubletakes, and mugs wildly for the camera. In the finale, he commandeers a fire truck (from Charlie Chaplin, Jr.), and, with Nye hanging on the ladder, sets off after Mamie to propose. The truck is pulled over by Officer Kent McCord, thus starting a long and beautiful friendship with Milner.
