J. Pat O'Malley: Cyril Proudbottom
Quotes
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Mr. Toad : [in court giving his defense; to Cyril] Are you familiar with the defendant J. Thaddeus Toad?
Cyril Proudbottom : Lord love a duck, yes! He's one of the jolliest chaps I've ever run across! And simply *tons* of money!
Prosecutor : [to Cyril] Good fellow, eh? Throws it away. BUT he wasn't throwing it away *that* day! You heard Mr. MacBadger's testify that his allowance was cut off! Then how did he get the motorcar?
Cyril Proudbottom : The only way a gentlemen gets anything: the *honest* way.
Prosecutor : And what *is* the honest way?
Cyril Proudbottom : Ha-ha, I thought you wouldn't know that one, guv'nor.
[Everyone laughs]
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Mr. Toad : Gad! What is it?
Cyril Proudbottom : Lumme, Guv'nor! It's a motorcar.
Mr. Toad : Motorcar?
[the motorcar passes by, knocking the cart over and leaving Toad on the ground]
Mr. Toad : A motorcar. Gad! What have I been missing.
[Starts making car noises]
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[During his trial, Mr. Toad summons a witness: Winky the barman who had taken possession of Toad Hall in exchange for the car]
Mr. Toad : [to the courtroom] Milord, gentlemen, facing you in the witness box is a citizen of substance and standing, a man of unimpeachable honesty.
[to Winky]
Mr. Toad : Now, Mr. Winky, do you recall an incident that took place in your establishment, about August the 12th, that I was a party to?
Winky : Oh, yes, sir. That I do, sir.
Mr. Toad : Well, then, just tell the court what actually happened.
Winky : Well, gov'nor, you tried to sell me a stolen motorcar.
[Mr. Toad is surrounded by the guards]
Cyril Proudbottom : [yelling at Winky] That's a deliberate lie, you mooky-faced little mouthbox!
Mr. Toad : No! I've been framed! Let me go! Help! Help! Help!
[Chaos in the court. The judge bangs his gavel to try to settle the commotion]
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Mr. Toad : I want you fellows to meet my noble steed, Cyril.
Cyril Proudbottom : Aye, that's me.
[Clicks tongue]
Cyril Proudbottom : A bit of a trotter, a bit of a rotter. How do you do, how do you do, how do you DO?
Rat : [lifting his hat] How do you do?
Cyril Proudbottom : [to Toad] Say, gov'nor, your friends appear to be on the stuffy side, what?
[Toad laughs]
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Prison Guard : Being as it's Christmas, you're allowed a visitor. Your grandma's here.
Mr. Toad : [confused] Grandma?
[a tall figure in a pink dress and a veiled cap glides into Toad's cell]
Cyril Proudbottom : Merry Christmas, sonny! Granny wouldn't forget her little Toady boy!
[the figure lifts the veil. It's Cyril]
Mr. Toad : Cyril?
Cyril Proudbottom : Shhhh!
[the guard closes the door. Toad sinks into a sitting position, buries his face in his hands and sobs]
Mr. Toad : Oh, Cyril!
Cyril Proudbottom : Look, Christmas gift.
[He presents a small pink dress and off-white cap identical to the one he's wearing, draped over his hoof]
Mr. Toad : W... w-w-what is it?
Cyril Proudbottom : Don't you get it? A disguise. Now all you've got to do is...
[he puts the dress and cap on Toad]
Cyril Proudbottom : ... you just put on this natty little costume and...
[he whispers in Toad's ear what to do; Toad smiles and his eyes go wild as he listens]
Narrator : Alas, the good intentions. Toad was incurable. One whispered word, and all his high resolve vanished in the mad whirl of this new adventure, this new mania: escape!
[the next scene shows Toad breaking jail]
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Judge : The witness may testify in his own words.
Cyril Proudbottom : [in court] Right-o, guv'nor; now, I'll give you the facts of the case. For when Toady escaped from his boudoir, he'd come headin' straight for my place. Soon we was off down the 'ighway but hadn't gone far, I confess, when all of a sudden with a rush and a roar, something passed like the London Express. It was big, it was red, it was beautiful: a motorcar! Hee, a bit of alright; Toady was transfixed with, uh, rapture. You could tell it was love at first sight. The motor pulled up to a tavern wherein was located a bar and we watched while some tough-looking weasels got out of that lovely red car. Now weasels, I know, are deceitful and not to be trusted at all... but how I could know they'd stolen that car? I didn't have no crystal ball. And the guv'nor, he's not one to dally, he'd made up his mind like a flash, he says "try it for size, my good Cyril, while I see what they'll take for it, cash!" So into the tavern he saunters, where the barman was back at the bar. And he said, "Cheerio, tavern-keeper! Who's the owner of that, uh, hot-looking car?" The barman, a codger named, uh, Winky, leaned over the bar and said "Why?" The guv'nor answered "That car must be mine! Whatever the price is, I'll buy!" But Toad found he hadn't no money... so he promptly offered a trade; the weasels appeared to be willin', in a moment, the bargain was made. Then Toady drawed up a paper with almost incredible speed and he called on ol' Winky to, uh, pop over and witness the deed. Now the guv'nor's not a bit stingy, he never does anything small: the weasels gave him the red motorcar, heh, and he gave the weasels... Toad Hall!
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Cyril Proudbottom : Now the Guv'nor is not a bit stingy, he never does anything small. The weasels gave him the red motorcar, and he gave the weasels Toad Hall.
[McBadger clasps his chest and faints]