- Rufus T. Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
- Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
- Rufus T. Firefly: I bet he's just using that as an excuse.
- Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
- Rufus T. Firefly: No wonder he passed away.
- Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
- Mrs. Teasdale: He left me his entire fortune.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can't see the stove.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.
- Chicolini: I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.
- Prosecutor: Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.
- Chicolini: Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes.
- Prosecutor: No, I'm talking about taxes - money, dollars!
- Chicolini: Dollars! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollars, Taxes!
- Mrs. Teasdale: I've sponsored your appointment because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
- Minister of Finance: Your Excellency, here's the Treasury Department's report, sir. I hope you'll find it clear.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
- [to Bob Roland]
- Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it.
- Secretary of Labor: The Department of Labor wishes to report that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Very well, we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.
- Ambassador Trentino: Now, Chicolini, I want a full detailed report of your investigation.
- Chicolini: All right, I tell you. Monday we watch-a Firefly's house, but he no come out. He wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us: he no show up. Wednesday he go to the ball game, but we fool him, we no show up. Thursday it was a double-header, nobody show up. Friday it rained all day, there was no ball game, so we stayed home, we listen to it over the radio.
- Mrs. Teasdale: We've been expecting you. As chairwoman of the reception committee, I extend the good wishes of every man, woman, and child of Freedonia.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Never mind that stuff.
- [He takes out a deck of cards]
- Rufus T. Firefly: Take a card.
- Mrs. Teasdale: [as she takes one] Card? What will I do with the card?
- Rufus T. Firefly: You can keep it. I've got fifty-one left. Now what were you saying?
- Rufus T. Firefly: You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in be in here thinking what a sucker you are.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
- Chicolini: Now I aska you one. What has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus?
- Prosecutor: That's irrelevant.
- Chicolini: Irrelephant? Hey, that'sa that answer. There's a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Take a letter.
- Bob Roland: Who to?
- Rufus T. Firefly: To my dentist.
- [Roland writes out the following]
- Rufus T. Firefly: Uh... Dear dentist, enclosed find check for $500, yours very truly. Send that off immediately.
- Bob Roland: I'll, um, I'll have to enclose a check first.
- Rufus T. Firefly: You do and I'll fire you.
- Rufus T. Firefly: [into radio] Calling all nations. Calling all nations. This is Rufus T. This is Rufus T. Firefly coming to you through the courtesy of the enemy. We're in a mess folks, we're in a mess. Rush to Freedonia! Three men and one woman are trapped in a building! Send help at once! If you can't send help, send two more women!
- [Pinky enters and raises three fingers]
- Rufus T. Firefly: Make it three more women!
- Lemonade Vendor: I'll teach you to kick me!
- Chicolini: You don't have to teach me, I know how!
- [He kicks him]
- Ambassador Trentino: I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
- Rufus T. Firefly: It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Where's my Stradivarius?
- Officer: Here, sir.
- Rufus T. Firefly: I'll show 'em they can't fiddle around with old Firefly!
- [he pulls a tommygun out of his violin case and opens fire]
- Rufus T. Firefly: Look at 'em run! Now they know they've been in a war!
- Bob Roland: Your Excellency!
- Rufus T. Firefly: Hahahahahaha, they're fleeing like rats!
- Bob Roland: But sir, I've got to tell you...
- Rufus T. Firefly: Remind me to give myself the Firefly Medal for this!
- [he fires again]
- Bob Roland: Your Excellency, you're shooting your own men!
- [Firefly fires again]
- Rufus T. Firefly: What?
- Bob Roland: You're shooting your own men!
- Rufus T. Firefly: Here's $5, keep it under your hat.
- [holds out his hat to take the $5 back]
- Rufus T. Firefly: Never mind, I'll keep it under my hat.
- Rufus T. Firefly: I'm in a hurry! To the House of Representatives! Ride like fury! If you run out of gas, get ethyl. If Ethel runs out, get Mabel! Now step on it!
- Rufus T. Firefly: And now, members of the cabinet...
- [pounds gavel]
- Rufus T. Firefly: we'll take up old business.
- Cabinet Member: I wish to discuss the tariff.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Sit down, that's new business. No old business? Very well...
- [pounds gavel]
- Rufus T. Firefly: we'll take up new business.
- Cabinet Member: Now, about that tariff...
- Rufus T. Firefly: Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.
- Rufus T. Firefly: I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.
- Rufus T. Firefly: [singing] If any form of pleasure is exhibited, report to me and it will be prohibited! I'll put my foot down, so shall it be... this is the land of the free! The last man nearly ruined this place he didn't know what to do with it. If you think this country's bad off now, just wait till I get through with it! The country's taxes must be fixed, and I know what to do with it. If you think you're paying too much now, just wait till I get through with it!
- Bob Roland: Message from the front, sir.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it?
- Bob Roland: General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate baking soda and a half a glass of water.
- Bob Roland: We've got to get rid of that man at once. Now I've got a plan. You say something to make him mad, and he'll strike you... and we'll force him to leave the country.
- Rufus T. Firefly: That's a swell plan... why couldn't you arrange for me to strike him?
- Bob Roland: Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man. Perhaps if you insult him. He's very easy to insult. Why, I said something to Vera Marcal in his presence once, and he slapped my face.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Why didn't Vera slap your face?
- Bob Roland: She did.
- Rufus T. Firefly: What'd you say to her?
- [Roland whispers it in his ear. Firefly slaps his face]
- Rufus T. Firefly: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Where'd you hear that story?
- Bob Roland: Why, you told it to me.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Oh yes, I remember. I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Hey! Do you want to be a public nuisance?
- Chicolini: Sure! How much does the job pay?
- Rufus T. Firefly: Just for that, you don't get the job I was going to give you.
- Chicolini: What job?
- Rufus T. Firefly: Secretary of War.
- Chicolini: All right, I take it.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Sold.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?
- Chicolini: I've done it already.
- Rufus T. Firefly: You've done what?
- Chicolini: I've changed to the other side.
- Rufus T. Firefly: So you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
- Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.
- Rufus T. Firefly: How would you like a job in the mint?
- Chicolini: Mint? No, no, I no like a mint. Uh, what other flavor you got?
- Mrs. Teasdale: Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.
- Mrs. Teasdale: As chairman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?
- Ambassador Trentino: Have you been trailing Firefly?
- Chicolini: Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.
- Ambassador Trentino: Oh really?
- Chicolini: Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.
- Rufus T. Firefly: [to Trentino] Now, how about lending this country twenty million dollars, you old skinflint?
- Ambassador Trentino: Twenty million dollars is a lot of money. I'd have to take that up with my Minister of Finance.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Well, in the meantime, could you let me have twelve dollars until payday?
- Ambassador Trentino: Twelve dollars?
- Rufus T. Firefly: Don't be scared, you'll get it back. I'll give you my personal note for ninety days. If it isn't paid by then, you can... keep the note.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?
- Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think, I think we should have a standing army.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army?
- Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.
- First Judge: That sort of testimony we can eliminate.
- Chicolini: Atsa fine. I'll take some.
- First Judge: You'll take what?
- Chicolini: Eliminate. A nice, cold glass eliminate.
- [Firefly and Mrs. Teasdale hear music coming from downstairs]
- Mrs. Teasdale: What's that?
- Rufus T. Firefly: Sounds to me like mice.
- Mrs. Teasdale: Mice? Mice don't play music.
- Rufus T. Firefly: No? How about the old maestro?
- Rufus T. Firefly: I'd be unworthy of the high trust that's been placed in me if I didn't do everything in my power to keep our beloved Freedonia in peace with the world. I'd be only too happy to meet with Ambassador Trentino, and offer him on behalf of my country the right hand of good fellowship. And I feel sure he will accept this gesture in the spirit of which it is offered. But suppose he doesn't. A fine thing that'll be. I hold out my hand and he refuses to accept. That'll add a lot to my prestige, won't it? Me, the head of a country, snubbed by a foreign ambassador. Who does he think he is, that he can come here, and make a sap of me in front of all my people? Think of it - I hold out my hand and that hyena refuses to accept. Why, the cheap four-flushing swine, he'll never get away with it I tell you, he'll never get away with it.
- [Trentino enters]
- Rufus T. Firefly: So, you refuse to shake hands with me, eh?
- [slaps Trentino with his glove]
- Ambassador Trentino: Mrs. Teasdale, this is the last straw. There's no turning back now! This means war!
- Rufus T. Firefly: Then it's war! Then it's war! Gather the forces. Harness the horses. Then it's war!
- Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency! I thought you'd left.
- Chicolini: [Impersonating Rufus T. Firefly] Oh, no, I no leave.
- Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!
- Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe? Me or your own eyes?
- Rufus T. Firefly: Dig trenches, with our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made. Here, run out and get some trenches. Wait a minute, get 'em this high...
- [gestures to his chin]
- Rufus T. Firefly: and our soldiers won't need any pants. Wait a minute, get 'em this high...
- [gestures over his head]
- Rufus T. Firefly: and we won't need any soldiers!
- Rufus T. Firefly: Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.
- Ambassador Trentino: What?
- Rufus T. Firefly: I, uh, I'm sorry I said that; it isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
- Ambassador Trentino: But I asked you to dig up something I can use against Firefly. Did you bring me his record?
- [Pinky hands him a gramophone record]
- Ambassador Trentino: No, no!
- [Trentino flings the record away like a clay pigeon skeet. Pinky takes out a rifle and blasts it out of the air. Chicolini rings a bell on the desk and awards Pinky a cigar]
- Chicolini: And the boy gets a cigar!
- Rufus T. Firefly: Here are the plans of war. They're as valuable as your life. And that's putting them pretty cheap. Watch them like a cat watched her kittens. Have you ever had kittens? No, of course not, you're too busy running around playing bridge. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you, I love you.
- Ambassador Trentino: Have we met each other before, sir?
- Rufus T. Firefly: I don't think so. In fact, I'm not sure I'm seeing you now; it must be something I ate.
- Rufus T. Firefly: [with his head stuck in a vase] The last time this happened to me I was crawling under a bed.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor - which is probably more than she ever did.
- Rufus T. Firefly: [to Vera Marcal] Here's one I picked up in a dance hall.
- [Does a dance step]
- Rufus T. Firefly: [Designating Mrs. Teasdale] Here's another one I picked up in a dance hall.
- Rufus T. Firefly: [singing] I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair. I'm strictly on the up-and-up, so everyone beware. If anyone's caught taking graft... and I don't get my share, we stand him up against the wall and...
- [imitates firing a rifle]
- Rufus T. Firefly: Pop goes the weasel!
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