- Lord John Marshmorton: Miss Allen, is he coming here tonight, your friend Mr. Halliday?
- Gracie: Oh, well sure he's not coming here and do you know why he's not coming here tonight? Because he wasn't invited, that's why he's not coming here tonight, Lord Marshmallow.
- George: Gracie, it's Marshmorton, not Marshmallow.
- Gracie: That's what I said, Marshmallow.
- George: Look, Gracie, "marshmallow" is soft and mushy.
- Gracie: Oh, please, George! You don't know this gentleman well enough to say that about him.
- George: [to Lord Marshmorton] I'm sorry, would you explain that please?
- Lord John Marshmorton: Certainly. Miss Allen, have you ever seen a toasted marshmallow?
- Gracie: No, but I'm dying to see that. I bet you're a scream!
- George: If you're not here on time, I'll have to get myself another stenographer.
- Gracie: Another stenographer? Do you think there's enough work for the two of us?
- George: Look. I mean I'm going to fire you.
- Gracie: Fire me?
- George: Yes!
- Gracie: Why, if it weren't for my father backing Jerry Halliday's first show in the United States
- George, Gracie: You wouldn't be here in London now. Now!
- Lady Caroline: Keggs, repeat to his lordship what you just told me.
- Keggs: Very good, my lady. I have been informed by the cook, who was informed by the second footman, who was informed by the scullery maid, who heard it from the milkman.
- Reggie: You forgot the first maid, Keggs.
- Lord John Marshmorton: Will you shut up... Go ahead, man. What did the syndicate tell you?
- Jerry Halliday: Come on.
- George: No, no. Not me. I don't get pleasure out of these things.
- Gracie: Oh, come along, George, for the fun of it. It's lots of fun having fun, even if you don't enjoy it. Heel!
- Jerry Halliday: What's today?
- Gracie: Oh, I don't know.
- George: Well, you can tell if you look at that newspaper on your desk.
- Gracie: Oh, this is no help, George. It's yesterday's paper.
- Lady Alyce: [She has just jumped into Jerry's taxi to get away from Keggs] I suppose you're wondering what this is all about?
- Jerry Halliday: Oh, no. It's none of my business.
- Lady Alyce: And, and of course, you're much too well bred to inquire in other people's business?
- Jerry Halliday: Of course I am.
- [He turns to her]
- Jerry Halliday: What's it all about?
- Lady Alyce: Well, I'm in a simple piece of trouble, and it would bore you to death if I told you about it.
- George: Did you type that letter I dictated last night?
- Gracie: Well, no. I didn't have time; so, I mailed 'em my notebook. I hope they can read my shorthand.
- George: You mailed your notebook? You know, Gracie, I'm beginning to think that there's nothing up here.
- [taps his temples]
- Gracie: Ah, George. You're self-conscious.
- George: You'll have to talk to my secretary. She's not in yet. You better call about 12 o'clock. She'll be in then to go out to lunch.
- Jerry Halliday: I just saw a crowd of women running and why do you suppose they were running?
- Gracie: Because you were chasing them?
- Jerry Halliday: No, because they were chasing me.
- Keggs: Admission is one shilling.
- Gracie: Oh, well, we usually get more than that. But give us our shillings and we'll go in.
- Keggs: Oh, but, I don't pay the people, madam, the people pay me.
- Gracie: Oh. Well, then, give me my money back.
- Keggs: But, you didn't give me any money.
- Gracie: Well, that's not my fault.
- Lord Marshmorton: What do you mean, "Well, John?" What do you expect me to do?
- Lady Caroline: You will go and horsewhip him immediately.
- Lord Marshmorton: Oh, but I-I couldn't possibly. Why, I-I hardly know the fellow.
- Lady Caroline: You will horsewhip him directly you've had breakfast.
- Lord Marshmorton: Oh, all right, I'll think it over.
- Keggs: I am happy to relate that his Lordship is the owner of no fewer than 15 hundred cows.
- George: Does he herd sheep?
- Gracie: Oh, George, you can't say, "Does he heard sheep?" You mean, "Does he hear sheep?" or "Has he heard sheep?" But you can't say...
- Keggs, George, Gracie: Does he heard sheep? No.
- Jerry Halliday: I can't go now. She needs me! She's in trouble.
- Gracie: Oh, Jerry, don't be so pessimistic. Maybe she'll still be in trouble when you get back.
- Albert: His Lordship! He's coming to chase you out of the place!
- Jerry Halliday: Chase me out of the place?
- Albert: Please, sir. You'd better hurry! If you don't go, he's gonna 'orsewhip ya!
- Gracie: My, my, how old-fashioned! Horsewhipping a man in this day and age, when they can run over him with an automobile. What won't they think of next?
- Lady Alyce: It's a lot of fun, isn't it?
- Jerry Halliday: Yeah, it's all right.
- Lady Alyce: What do they call this thing?
- Jerry Halliday: The tunnel of love.
- Lady Alyce: Oh.
- Lord Marshmorton: I don't think the Marshmortons are fenced off from the rest of the world by some sort of divinity. My sister does, but she's such an ass.
- Jerry Halliday: Isn't she? I mean, is she?
- Lord Marshmorton: Of course she is! Always has been.
- Gracie: She's here?
- Jerry Halliday: Who?
- Gracie: The girl who slapped you.
- Jerry Halliday: Where?
- Gracie: On the jaw.
- Jerry Halliday: Regarding the state of Lady Alyce's feelings, you were mistaken, her father was mistaken, I was mistaken. Now I find she was mistaken.
- Lady Caroline: A man of character, Keggs, should learn to control his passions.
- Keggs: Yes, milady. Thank you, milady.
- Jerry Halliday: I got here just as quickly as I could.
- Lady Alyce: You did?
- Jerry Halliday: Yes.
- Lady Alyce: You're feeling quite well?
- Jerry Halliday: Well, I'm used to all the excitement
- Lady Alyce: One of our gardeners got sunstroke yesterday.
- Jerry Halliday: Is that so?
- Lady Alyce: Yes, uh, he stood out in the sun too long without his hat on.
- Jerry Halliday: Now what happens? What can I do to help?
- Lady Alyce: Help?
- Jerry Halliday: You're in distress aren't you?
- Lady Alyce: Why, in a way, yes.
- Jerry Halliday: They're keeping you prisoner?
- Lady Alyce: Yes.
- Jerry Halliday: Well, I wouldn't have dreamed it possible in this day and age. Locking a girl up like a prisoner to keep her away from...
- Lady Alyce: The man she loves. How did you know?
- Jerry Halliday: Uh, you're quite sure about this being in love thing... I mean, it isn't just a quick schoolgirl crush?
- Lady Alyce: Oh, no.
- Jerry Halliday: The real thing.
- Jerry Halliday: You do really... shall we say, uh, care for this man?
- [He thinks she's fallen for him]
- Lady Alyce: I love him.
- [She's talking about her American skier]
- Jerry Halliday: [Thinking she means him] Why?
- Lady Alyce: Well, in the first place he's the most charming man in the world.
- [Jerry lowers his head sheepishly and then smiles]
- Lady Alyce: And in the second place, he's divinely handsome.
- [Jerry gets a sober look for a moment and then smiles]
- Jerry Halliday: You're crazy.
- Lady Alyce: Well, I beg your pardon. I think so.
- Jerry Halliday: [Shrugs and tosses up his hands] Well, all right, then. We won't argue that point any further. Go on.
- Lady Alyce: [Pointing to Jerry] Uh, American?
- Jerry Halliday: Yes.
- Lady Alyce: You'd say, "He's got what it takes."
- Jerry Halliday: Listen, you know, I can stand just so much and then...
- [a knock at the door precludes another slap]
- Lady Alyce: You see, I came to say that I'm sorry I slapped you. You see, father just explained everything to me, and now I understand how it happened.
- Jerry Halliday: Oh, I see. Your father explained to you why you slapped me?
- Lady Alyce: No, no, it seems to have... I mean, father made a mistake about you, and then after he spoke to you yesterday, well he naturally thought you were somebody else.
- Jerry Halliday: Naturally.
- Lady Alyce: And I don't know, of course. I thought you were being yourself. And then father explained that he thought you were the other man, and of course, how were you to know that I didn't mean you. And do you understand?
- Jerry Halliday: [Shaking his head solemnly] Perfectly.
- Lady Alyce: And do you see why I slapped you?
- Jerry Halliday: Let me get this straight. Who did you slap, me or the other fellow?
- Lady Alyce: Why, you.
- Jerry Halliday: And who's the other fella?
- Lady Alyce: Jeffrey.
- Jerry Halliday: Jeffrey? Who's he?
- Lady Alyce: An American I met in Switzerland about a year ago.
- Jerry Halliday: Keggs, I have always felt that beneath that macabre exterior there lies a heart of gold.
- Keggs: Thank you, sir.
- Lady Alyce: I suppose you're wondering what this is all about.
- Jerry Halliday: Oh, no. Its none of my business.
- Lady Alyce: And - and, of course, you're much too well-bred to inquire onto other people's business.
- Jerry Halliday: Of course, I am. What's it all about?
- Keggs: Hurry, Thomas.
- Thomas: Yes, Mr Keggs.
- Keggs: The bus will be here at any moment. We shall be over-run by the proletariat.
- Thomas: Yes, Mr Keggs.
- Keggs: Why they should want to pay a shilling a head to be led about like dumb animals gaping into the interiors of their betters is a thing I could never understand.
- Butler: Beg your pardon, your lordship.
- Lord Marshmorton: What is it?
- Butler: Milk, m'lord.
- Lord Marshmorton: Milk? What am I - a baby or a cow? Take it away!
- Jerry Halliday: [singing and dancing] My bonds and shares, May fall downstairs, Who cares, who cares? I'm dancing and I can't be bothered now!
- George: I don't like those things. I never did, and I never will. Jerry, don't get me a ticket.
- Jerry Halliday: Why not?
- George: Because I've got a weak heart.
- Gracie: Oh, don't be silly, George! If Jerry pays for the ticket, how can that affect *your* heart?
- Carnival Barker: Step up, ladies and gents! Step up. This way for the World of Joy which includes the Tunnel of Love! All for the price of six pence the half part of a shilling.
- Gracie: [singing] What makes every Englishman, A fighter through and through? It isn't roast beef or ale, Or home or mother, It's just a little thing they, Sing to one another, Stiff upper lip, stout fella, Carry on, old bean, Chin up! Keep muddling through, Stiff upper lip, stout fella, Dash it all, I mean, Pip pip to old man trouble, And a toodle-oo too...
- Gracie: Oh, you're still alive, huh?
- Jerry Halliday: Alive? I've just begun to live.
- George: You've just begun to live?
- Jerry Halliday: Why, I've just begun to live.
- Gracie: Oh, he's just begun to live.
- Jerry Halliday: [singing] Oh, I've just begun to live
- Gracie, George, Jerry Halliday: I've just begun to live,
- Jerry Halliday: Yes!
- Gracie, George, Jerry Halliday: I've just begun to live, I've just begun to live Oh, I've just begun to live, I've just begun to live!
- [tap dancing]
- Gracie: [singing] Stiff upper lip, stout fella, When you're in the stew, Sober or blotto, this is your motto, Keep muddling through...
- Jerry Halliday: Slapping me made you love me.
- Lady Alyce: Yes.
- Jerry Halliday: Darling, slap me again.
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