- Todd: Look, I know that you're worried that I'm-I'm gonna meet the perfect guy some day, but I promise you that I won't - because he doesn't exist. Sure, we all like to think there's this soul mate out there for us who's going to complete us intellectually and physically and emotionally, but the harsh reality is not everyone gets that; so, two out of three isn't so bad. I mean, if you're blind or schizophrenic or you're missing an arm and a leg, you might not even get one out of three, and you just have to accept that.
- [Rory laughs]
- Todd: And I know that that's an offensive thing to say, but you agree with me. You agree with me. And, anyway, I had accepted that, that I-I would never find anybody, because I admit that I'm finicky, but then I met you and I don't have to scour the ends of the Earth to know beyond a reasonable doubt that you're the one. I already know. You're the only person I like arguing with, and you're the only person I don't mind losing to - and you're the only person I can't lose. And, so, maybe we won't have the greatest sex ever, but, you know, I mean, I can try harder. I mean, if Helen Keller can learn to talk, I can learn to eat you out, and I just... I honestly think that w-we could be happy for the rest of our lives because I wanna watch you die. I mean, I wanna see you through to the end, in sickness, and in health, and you know that that says a lot, because I don't like sickness or endings or... or poop, and you know this, but, you know, if you had cancer and you needed help - I mean, ideally, I'll have a nurse to help deal with that but - if it was an emergency and you did number two in your pants, I would clean you up, because I love you and I want you to be my wife.
- Rory: Excuse me, do you work here?
- Todd: No, but I get that a lot. I don't know why.
- Rory: You're restocking the shelves.
- Todd: Oh, some of the books are out of order.
- Rory: Yeah, but it's not your job.
- Todd: Valid. Counterpoint, I was at Staples the other day and somebody asked me if we sold paperweights and I wasn't doing anything. I was just standing there.
- Rory: Were you wearing a red shirt?
- Todd: No.
- Rory: I know what your problem is. You have a very friendly demeanor, like you look super helpful.
- Todd: Can I fix that?
- Rory: Yeah. Sure. Don't make eye contact. Don't smile. The more you can project an air of antipathy, the less you'll be approached.
- Rory: The elephant in the room is the thing nobody wants to talk about. The white elephant is an unwanted possession that's a bitch to get rid of. You're, like, mixing two separate idioms.
- Todd: What? Are... are you sure?
- Rory: Yes.
- Todd: So, then, what's the or...
- Rory: Todd, forget the fucking elephants. We need to talk about sex.
- Todd: So, sex is the white elephant.
- Rory: No, it's the elephant in the room!
- Meg: Oh, my God, who are you dressing up as for Ryder's birthday party?
- Todd: Ryder's having a birthday party?
- Meg: Yeah. The theme is iconic movie couples. I thought you'd be on there like Asian on rice. Didn't you get the Evite?
- Rory: White on rice.
- Meg: Yeah, but don't Asians eat more rice?
- Todd: I didn't get the Evite.
- Meg: Oh, well, you know Ryder. He's fag-get-ful.
- Zane: Are you making fun of my accent?
- Meg: Oh, no, I'm saying he's FAG-get-ful, because he's a fag who's forgetful.
- Zane: You can't say fag in America.
- Meg: Well, Todd made it up.
- Topanga: Well, having kids fills your life with purpose.
- Todd: But, does that intangible sense of purpose outweigh the burden of lost sleep, time and income, or are you justifying your actions?
- Topanga: I have no buyer's remorse. You were the second best decision I ever made.
- Rory: What was the first?
- Topanga: Investing in Google.
- [Todd and Rory bring a gift to Ryder's birthday party, containing the receipt in case he wants to return it]
- Ryder: You know what? I bet I'm gonna love it, because our Todd here has the aesthetic tastes of a well-oiled woman.
- Rory: Uh, where should I put it?
- Ryder: That's what Todd said.
- Rory, Todd: What?
- Ryder: What?
- Meg: Todd, do you like gay sex?
- Ryder: He wouldn't now. He's never had any.
- Meg: What? No. Really?
- Todd: I can't. It makes me think of poop, and I don't like poop - the smell, the image, the sound, the texture. Not that I've ever touched it. Ugh, God, even thinking about poop makes me want to vomit.
- Ryder: Does thinking about vomit make you wanna poo?
- Meg: Okay! No one likes poop!
- Ryder: I could offer an anecdote to the contrary.
- Todd: So, you said you're an actress. Have I seen you in anything?
- Rory: Maybe. Have you seen "2 Girls 1 Cup?"
- Todd: No. When did it come out?
- Rory: Oh, I'm just kidding. Sorry. I-I hate that question.
- Todd: When did it come out?
- Rory: No, "Have I seen you in anything?" It's like, you... you haven't, but... Anyway, it's a porn video.
- Todd: You were in a porn video?
- Rory: No, no-no. "2 Girls 1 Cup" is a porn vi... You've never...? Really? Oh, well, well, it's two girls, and then they, um... they shit into a cup. It's really gross.
- Rory: Hey, you know that saying, um, "Shoot for the moon - even if you miss you'll land among the stars?" I did some research, and apparently the closest star, excluding our sun, is still four light years away from Earth; so, if you miss the moon, you don't land on anything, ever. You just float aimlessly in space until you die.
- Todd: People say that finding love is hard. Well, I did the math. There are four million people living in Los Angeles based off the 2010 census, approximately eight percent of whom are men aged twenty to thirty, five to ten percent of whom identify as gay or bisexual. Of these thirty-two thousand or less men, only ten percent will have an IQ of one-twenty or higher; so, we can eliminate the rest. Let's be honest. Of the remaining thirty-two hundred, I will be sexually incompatible with most of them. While there are no conclusive studies of the number of gay men who abstain from penetrative sex, I'm assuming the number is less than twenty-five percent, especially in my generation, and I think that's generous. Now, of these eight hundred men, thirty percent will be in long-term relationships with each other, sixty percent will find me unattractive, either because I'm Asian, because I have a crooked face, or because I'm generally incorrigible; and, an additional nine percent that can actually put up with me I will reject outright over various deal-breakers including, but not limited to, snoring, poor dental hygiene and/or bad taste in movies.
- Dr. Larson: Mm.
- Todd: That only leaves eight potential soul mates on the high end, and after calculating the binomial distribution for randomly meeting any one of them on any given day over the next half century...
- Dr. Larson: Todd.
- Todd: ...and integrating the probability mass from zero to one number of meetings...
- Dr. Larson: Todd.
- Todd: ...there is only a .0006% chance that I will ever fall in love, which is, as I'm sure you can guess, statistically insignificant.
- Dr. Larson: Todd.
- Todd: I'm having more compulsions, so if you could please refer me to a cognitive behavioral therapist, I'd greatly appreciate it.
- Dr. Larson: Why don't you call Dr. Lionetti?
- Todd: I don't want him to know that I'm relapsing. He has a very high opinion of me. He said so in our last session.
- Dr. Larson: Do you remember what happened when your father took you to Disneyland and tried to force you onto a roller coaster?
- Todd: Yes, of course, I was there.
- Dr. Larson: What happened?
- Todd: I started screaming that he was kidnapping me and he almost got arrested and we never went back.
- Dr. Larson: You can lead a horse to water.
- Todd: But you can't make it get on a roller coaster or try anal sex. I get it. I'm the horse, but am I a gay horse, am I a straight horse, or am I a Shetland pony? - which is basically a gay horse.
- [first lines]
- Todd: I wish I didn't have any holes. If I didn't have to worry about things going in and out of my holes, life would be so much easier. Sure, I'd have to give up talking - and I like talking - but I'd also get to give up public rest rooms. I mean, there's always something on the seat lid.
- [though he clearly isn't physically handicapped, Todd has told his therapist about preferring to use public handicap toilets and his fear of someday exiting the stall and confronting a disapproving kid in a wheelchair]
- Dr. Larson: You treat sex like the kid in the wheelchair.
- Todd: Mm-hm.
- Dr. Larson: The handicap stall is a metaphor for your state of sexual confusion.
- Todd: Mm-hm.
- Dr. Larson: You're afraid of the kid because he might tell you that you're in a wheelchair too.
- Todd: But I'm not in a wheelchair.
- Dr. Larson: You're in an emotional wheelchair.
- Todd: So, does that mean I'm not gay?
- Dr. Larson: I don't know. It's just a metaphor.
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