- Becky Abelar: Wait, did you not tell them that we were coming?
- Jeremy Abelar: I was, I'm telling them now. Like they're learning of it right now,
- Triage Nurse: You're not gonna die, you just won't have a penis.
- Jeremy Abelar: I'd rather die than not have my penis!
- Jeremy Abelar: This might be your chance to be with Becky.
- Donnie: She's always had a thing for you.
- Sean Floyd: I'm slow playing it, ok?
- Donnie: You are no playing it!
- Donnie: Why do those shorts cover your belly button but not your balls?
- Sean Floyd: What's that on your face? It looks like you drank a glass of Ed Sheeran's pubes.
- Donnie: Two water sanitation workers just came into the hospital with his dick.
- Redneck Reginald: What? My real penis is here?
- Sean Floyd: Yeah, man.
- Donnie: So what we need to you do is reattach 'em.
- Dr. Trimble: Guys, you don't just pop 'em on and off. It's a delicate operation. It's not a fucking LEGO set. That dick is staying on that body!
- Becky Abelar: Jeremy insisted my parents rent him a wheelchair van.
- Jeremy Abelar: [Rascal rolls down the ramp to a stop] Skerr!
- Becky Abelar: It's like we have a dumb Stephen Hawking just Rascalling around the house.
- Sean Floyd: [robotic Stephen Hawking voice] I cut my dick off.
- Redneck Reginald: You know, I know it's just a dirty toilet dick, but doctor, I'd like to give these two young men my old penis.