Deadpool 2 (2018)

Deadpool : [to Cable] You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch!

Deadpool : [to Cable] Zip it, Thanos!

Cable : I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home.

Wade Wilson : [looks at the camera] Well... that's just lazy writing.

Cable : Who are you?

Wade Wilson : I'm Batman.

Wade Wilson : With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer. Give me a bow and arrow and I'm basically Hawkeye.

Deadpool : [fighting the Juggernaut] Hey, big guy, the sun's getting real low.

Weasel : And last but not least... Peter.

Deadpool : Any power you wanna tell us about?

Peter : I don't... I don't have one. Um, I just saw the ad.

Deadpool : No superpowers at all?

Peter : Uh, I have both type 1 and 2 diabetes.

Deadpool : Ow! Oh!

Weasel : That's all the diabetes.

Deadpool : Right. Yeah, you got them all. If you find a type 3, let us know. Yeah. You're in.

Wade Wilson : [to Vanessa] I hope we sharpened the cream cheese spreader.

[Wade throws the spreader into the gunman's head, killing him]

Wade Wilson : [turns on time-travel device] I'll be right back. We're definitely naming our kid Cher!

Cable : Dubstep's for pussies!

Wade Wilson : You're so dark. Are you sure you're not from the DC universe?

Firefist : [trying to get the collar off of Deadpool's neck] We need a code.

Domino : Try, uh... seven?

Deadpool : Settle down, Captain Lucky, it's not gonna be one number.

[Firefist presses the number 7 and unlocks the collar]

Deadpool : God, that's lazy writing.

Firefist : Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!

Deadpool : [to Negasonic Teenage Warhead] Ha! Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead : We're X-Men.

Deadpool : No, you're X-People.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead : You're X-hausting.

Deadpool : I see what you did there. Puns.

Deadpool : I don't speak Cantonese, Mr...

[looks at card, then tosses it]

Deadpool : Well, I'm not even going to attempt that. But I did take eighth grade Spanish, so donde esta la biblioteca? Which literally translates to: I don't bargain, pumpkin-fucker.

Deadpool : So, what exactly do you do in the future, anyway, huh? Some kind of soldier?

Cable : Yeah, something like that.

Deadpool : I was a soldier. Special Forces. I bet fifty years from now we'll be bestest buddies.

Cable : Fifty years from now you'll be very dead. Your entire generation will fuck this planet into a coma.

Deadpool : Boom!

[makes exploding sound]

Deadpool : Spoiler alert. Ha ha! Ah, planets.

Domino : [whispers to herself] Next time Uber.

Cable : Here's a spoiler alert. You're not a fucking hero. You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy.

Deadpool : Well, I got news for you, my heart is in the right place. Russell's not gonna kill anyone. Because of me, he's gonna know what real love is.

Cable : Because of you, I'll always know what a grown man with baby balls looks like.

Deadpool : I'm a grower, not a shower.

Domino : I should've finished college.

Cable : You remind me of my wife.

Wade Wilson : I'm sorry?

Cable : I said you remind me...

Wade Wilson : No, I'm sorry that you said that while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm.

Wade Wilson : I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water.

Weasel : An ocean is water.

Wade Wilson : Is it just me or does Do You Wanna Build a Snowman from Frozen sound suspiciously like Papa, Can You Hear Me? from Yentl.

[singing]

Wade Wilson : Papa, can you hear me?

[normal voice]

Wade Wilson : And nobody fucking realizes it.

Deadpool : Only best buddies execute pedophiles together.

[last lines]

Ryan Reynolds : [to himself, holding the Green Lantern script] You're in the big leagues now, kid!

[blood splatters on the script and cuts to Reynolds' face with a gunshot wound in the forehead, he drops revealing Deadpool behind him with a gun]

Deadpool : [to the camera] You're welcome, Canada.

Domino : They're headed into the tunnel.

Deadpool : I'm that kid's only hope, so sit tight and wait for my word.

Domino : Whatever. We're gonna lose 'em. I'm dropping in.

Deadpool : Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor. Luck is not a superpower! We are so fucked!

Deadpool : No, we are most certainly not fucked.

Deadpool : Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out your eyes? It's just hard to picture. And certainly not very cinematic. I mean, luck? What coked-out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut? Probably a guy who can't draw feet!

Deadpool : Any powers you wanna tell us about? Any, uh...

Peter : No. I don't have one. Um, I just saw the ad. I thought it looked fun.

Deadpool : ...You're in.

Dopinder : [in the background, throws a box of supplies] FUCK!

[after Deadpool realizes Cable traveled back in time to save him]

Deadpool : You time-sliding son of a bitch. You did this for me? Wait, you can't go back. You used the last of your fuel. What about your girl and your wife?

Cable : No, my family's safe. And I didn't do it for you. No, I'm gonna stick around for a while and make sure the world doesn't shit itself into oblivion.

Deadpool : No, you did it for me.

Cable : No, I didn't.

Deadpool : You did.

Cable : No, I didn't.

Deadpool : Pretty sure you did.

Cable : No, I'm positive I didn't.

Deadpool : Fine. Alright, let's flip a coin, okay? Heads, you did it for me. Tails, you did it for me.

[flips coin]

Deadpool : I'm not even gonna look because you did it for me.

Cable : Say it again.

Deadpool : You did it for me.

Cable : Jesus.

Deadpool : [while "dying"] Can you see it? Do you see that beautiful bright light? There it is.

[dramatic pause]

Deadpool : Oh, that's the sun. Don't stare directly into that.

Deadpool : I know what you're thinking: "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now. And believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every big family film starts... with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.

Deadpool : Fuck it. Superhero landing comin' up.

[jumps out of building and lands on knees]

Deadpool : Ooh! Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. That is *so* not practical.

Wade Wilson : Isn't that how it always works? Like in Star Wars, men are destined to become their father? And have consensual sex with their sister?

Vanessa : I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.

Wade Wilson : No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.

Vanessa : Baby, that's Empire.

Deadpool : You know what we need to do? We need to build a fucking team. We need 'em tough, morally flexible, and young enough so they can carry this franchise 10-12 years.

Dopinder : My body is an instrument of death.

Deadpool : Not now, Dopinder.

[from trailer]

Cable : I was born into war, bred into it. People think they understand pain, but they have no concept of it. What's the most pain you've ever felt? Maybe the kind that leaves you more machine than man.

Deadpool : [halts trailer] Wait, no, STOP! What in the actual ass? Dale! Why, why are the visual effects not done? It's a metal arm! It's not like we're trying to remove a mustache! Oh fuck it, I'll do it myself...

Deadpool : He's teamed up with the Juggernaut. The Juggernaut! That's, like, my favorite Marvel character ever, but you should never meet your heroes, because honestly, he's a bit of a dick! And like a lot of dicks, he's as hard as a rock, and causes nothing but problems!

[talking about Deadpool 2]

Wade Wilson : It lives up to the hype, *plus plus.*

Weasel : Fuck it. They probably won't even make a 3.

Wade Wilson : Yeah, why would they? Stop at 2, ya killed it!

[they both laugh]

Black Tom : I'm Black Tom Cassidy.

Wade Wilson : White Wade Wilson.

Cable : There's nothing I can't kill.

Deadpool : Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin used to say... "There's a first time for everything,son." Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willy.

[cuts down one bullet then gets riddled by more bullets]

Deadpool : Those bullets were, like, super fast.

Juggernaut : I'm gonna rip you in half now.

Deadpool : That is such a Juggernaut thing to say!

Weasel : Meet Bedlam.

Deadpool : Cool name. Superpowers?

Bedlam : I can distort electrical fields. Including the one inside your brain, causing anxiety, confusion, pain.

Deadpool : So, basically, you're Dave Matthews.

Wade Wilson : George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck! He's dead, too. At least we still have Bowie.

Weasel : Yeah, we still...

[looks over at Dopinder, he nods and winks at him]

Weasel : ... have Bowie.

Deadpool : Cable, you get back to your family and you tell them Wade says hi. And promise me, promise me one thing: that you'll start judging people not by the color of the skin but by the content of their character.

Cable : Jesus...

Deadpool : I don't know how to thank you, but I do know how to hug you.

Cable : No.

Deadpool : [gets closer to Cable] Yes. Here we go. Bring it in.

[hugging Cable]

Deadpool : Come on. Pelvis to pelvis. Let's go tip to tip. There we go, the kids call this docking.

[hears a knife open]

Deadpool : Is there a knife in my dick?

Cable : There's a knife in your dick, yeah.

Deadpool : What do you get when you take 8-feet of chrome, one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, and a wheelbarrow of stage 4 cancer? Answer: A family. See? I didn't lie what kind of film this was. If there's anything you take away today - other than the need to google "what the fuck is dubstep" - it's that we all need to belong to someone.

[Weapon XI appears in front of Wolverine]

Wolverine : Wade, is that you?

[pause]

Wolverine : I guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.

[as Wolverine extends his claws, Weapon XI is suddenly shot in the head by Deadpool]

Deadpool : Hey, it's me! Don't scratch! Just cleaning up the timelines! Look, eventually, you're going to hang up the claws, and it's gonna make a lot of people very sad.

Wolverine : Huh?

Deadpool : But one day, your old pal Wade's gonna ask you to get back in the saddle again.

[shoots Weapon XI again twice]

Deadpool : And when he does, say yes.

[continues to shoot Weapon XI]

Wolverine : Oh, right.

[Deadpool waves at Wolverine while shooting Weapon XI and walking away]

Deadpool : [whispers] I love you.

[In Wade's dream]

Vanessa : Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

Wade Wilson : Well, come here.

[They share a long, passionate kiss]

Wade Wilson : Don't fuck Elvis.

Vanessa : Don't fuck Colossus.

Wade Wilson : Wait, what?

[Wade gets pulled back to the real world]

Firefist : [in their cell] Tomorrow, we find the biggest guy in here... and we'll make him our bi...

[hears loud noise]

Firefist : What was that?

Wade Wilson : That is the biggest guy in here. Fun fact about the Ice Box, no one's ever seen it, they keep a monster in the basement. Right next to a

[looks at the camera]

Wade Wilson : huge, steaming ball of foreshadowing.

[Deadpool / Wade Wilson says his goodbyes to all those around him, and while "dying"]

Wade Wilson : I hope the Academy is watching.

[after Wade's legs were torn off, they're growing back and look like toddler legs. Weasel walks in on him sitting on the couch with no pants on next to Blind Al]

Weasel : Why wouldn't you cover that up?

Wade Wilson : A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.

Weasel : Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you, you're just straight shirt-cocking it? Toddler style?

Wade Wilson : Oh yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.

Blind Al : The hell's happening? Describe it.

Wade Wilson : I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you.

Weasel : It's like, um...

Wade Wilson : Here we go.

Weasel : It's like he was giving birth anally but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out and said "You know what? I'm done."

Wade Wilson : [to Blind Al] Happy?

Weasel : It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down, but this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a cock the size of a...

[Dopinder comes in]

Dopinder : AH! Oh, no, no, no, DP, not again.

Weasel : This has happened before?

[Dopinder starts gagging]

Weasel : Jesus, either vomit or don't. The indecision is killing me.

Blind Al : Why couldn't God take my hearing?

Firefist : How do you know what I want?

Deadpool : Because I've been inside you. That came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes, which is also off-putting.

Dopinder : I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Pool sir.

Deadpool : Dopinder, you never cease to surprise me. You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home, a place...

Dopinder : I want to become a contract killer.

Deadpool : I'm sorry, what did you say?

Dopinder : Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence?

Deadpool : Yeah, you kinda killed him.

Dopinder : And remember the movie "Interview with the Vampire?"

Deadpool : Don't want to.

Dopinder : When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time. And she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.

Deadpool : ...I'll never *not* picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible.

Deadpool : As a former X-Man...

Bedlam : Trainee.

Deadpool : Thank you, Bedlam. I was always appalled by the blatant sexism in the group's name. X-Men? *Men*? The point is, our group will be forward-thinking. Gender neutral. From now on, we'll be known as... X-Force.

Domino : Isn't that a little derivative?

Deadpool : I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter.

Peter : ...That wasn't me.

Firefist : What do you say we go fuck some shit up?

Juggernaut : Let's Fuck Some Shit Up is my legal middle name.

Wade Wilson : [to Cable] Is that a fanny pack? I used to have one of those in nineteen-ninety-never.

Fred Savage : Gotta prefer Marvel movies.

Deadpool : We are Marvel.

Fred Savage : Yeah, but you're, you know, Marvel licensed by Fox. It's kinda like if the Beatles were produced by Nickelback. It's music, but it sucks.

Deadpool : You were nicer as a kid!

Cable : The name's Cable! From the future. Just walk away.

Wade Wilson : Oh? So you're from the future? I have three questions, then. One: is dubstep still a thing? Two: which Sharknado are we on? And three: at what point will the audience say "enough with the robotic arms"?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead : [Introducing Yukio to Wade] Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade.

[Yukio waves to Wade]

Wade Wilson : What the fuck knuckles is this?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead : She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit.

Wade Wilson : Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox and Friends. I'm just surprised anyone would date you, especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.

[Winks to Yukio]

Yukio : I like this guy.

[first lines]

Deadpool : Fuck Wolverine. First he rides my coattails with the R-rating, and then, that hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying. What a dick. Well, guess what, Wolvie? I'm dying in this one, too.

Deadpool : Just once, I gonna to find a planet where people are worse than me at everything, a whole bunch of functional idiots. I'm gonna go there and be their Superman.

Weasel : Isn't that Canada?

Deadpool : You shut your goddamn trash mouth!

Buck : You know what "fine" stands for, Wade? Fucked up, insecure, needy, and emotional. According to the...

[pauses]

Wade Wilson : Kübler-Ross.

Buck : Yeh. According to the Kübler-Ross model, denial is just one of the five stages of grief.

Wade Wilson : Jesus Christ, Buck! No more speaking lines for you.

[walks away from bar]

Dopinder : You're my Tom Cruise!

Deadpool : And you're my Kristen Dunst!

[to himself]

Deadpool : Kristen? Kirsten?

Colossus : What are you doing?

Deadpool : My job. You're the one who said I was ready, and I frankly disagreed with you. But here we are, trying to overcome our differences. Like Beyoncé says: please...

[puts his hand on Colossus' chest]

Deadpool : please stop cheating on me.

Colossus : [charging at Juggernaut] Pick on someone your own size!

Deadpool : That's such a you thing to say. Go get 'em, tiger! Big CGI fight comin' up!

Deadpool : In every film, there's a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In "Cool Runnings," it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. In "Human Centipede," it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this film, well, you're looking at it. Rock, meet Bottom.

Deadpool : Good news and bad news. Bad news is the whole team is dead. The good news is I don't think anyone is gonna miss Shatterstar, he was a bit of a prick.

[after Shatterstar is killed by landing on the spinning propellers on a helicopter]

Deadpool : Well, I guess we found something you're not better at.

Deadpool : [to Cable] Hands off that kid, John Conner!

Deadpool : And that's why "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" is pure pornography.

Dopinder : Wow!

Domino : I really should have stayed in college...

[from trailer]

Deadpool : [dizzy from a big action sequence] Tell me they got that in slow-motion...

Deadpool : [to Peter] Go home, Sugar Bear, go home.

Deadpool : Oh shit, that fucking does it!

[pulls out guns]

Deadpool : Put your hands behind your knees and get down on your head now!

Dopinder : I could be of great use.

Wade Wilson : What's your superpower?

Dopinder : [thinks, then smiles] Courage.

Wade Wilson : That's adorable.

Weasel : Do you have the courage to check and see if there are enough sanitary napkins in the DISPENSER?

Dopinder : [quietly] Yes.

Deadpool : [to Vanessa after traveling back in time to save her] We're definitely naming our kid Cher!

Deadpool : Say fuck for me. Just once. Come on, we'll do it together. It's no big deal. Here we go, 1-2-3. Fu... fu...

Colossus : Fuck.

Deadpool : Wow. Enjoy hell, smut mouth.

[Deadpool travels back to the moment before Peter is killed]

Deadpool : Peter!

Peter : Whoo! X-Force!

Deadpool : Walk away! Just walk away!

Peter : But we're X-Force!

Deadpool : Nope! We're not. X-Force is just a marketing tool designed by Fox executives to keep Josh Brolin employed. It doesn't exist.

Peter : All right, well, this has been pretty scary! And I need to feed my cat!

Deadpool : Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.

Peter : Okay. Will you give Domino my email?

Zeitgeist : I'm Zeitgeist.

Deadpool : Cool. I'd like to say you have the power to put your finger on the... pulse of society?

Zeitgeist : No... No, I spit acidic vomit.

Deadpool : Oh.

Zeitgeist : You want me to demonstrate?

Deadpool : No, thank you.

Weasel : We'll take your word for it.

Deadpool : Yeah, listen, we've all eaten at Arby's. Okay?

Deadpool : [Wishing for the Vanisher's safety landing] Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see.

[the Vanisher hits electrical wires and gets electrocuted]

Deadpool : Really?

Colossus : We have rules. You are not judge, jury or executioner.

Deadpool : Fuck your rules! I fight for what's right, and sometimes you gotta fight dirty.

Wade Wilson : I'm gonna go make dessert. You get the strap-on, and let's make a superbaby.

Vanessa : Pretty sure it doesn't work that way, but we can try.

Deadpool : Four or five moments. That's all it takes to be a hero. People think you wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero. But now, being a hero, it's only a few moments. Few moments doing the ugly stuff no one else will do.

Deadpool : Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals.

Deadpool : [yelling at Colossus inside the Xavier Institute] You know what? Doing the right thing is sometimes messy, and fucked up, and not particularly convenient. So, stay here in Chateau de Virgin while we go get our fuck on!

Deadpool : [upon opening his anniversary gift from Vanessa] Oh, well that's... that's just the most... beautiful thing that I've- I don't know what this is.

Vanessa : My IUD.

Deadpool : ...A bomb?

Vanessa : No, dip-for-brains, my birth control device.

Dopinder : Oh, I shit my pants.

Deadpool : Actually, that may have been me.

[after Dopinder kills the headmaster by running him over with his taxi]

Dopinder : [intensely] I want some more.

Deadpool : I bet you do, Brown Panther.

Deadpool : [Cable gets out a gun and Deadpool draws his swords] Gimme your best shot, One-Eyed Willie!

[Deadpool blocks the first bullet, then misses the rest]

Deadpool : ... Ow.

Wade Wilson : ["Last words"] Woodpecker... Gingivitis... Cuntpop... Do you wanna build a snowman?

Deadpool : [after being ripped in half by Juggernaut and failed to dissuade Russell from abandoning his mission] What's Juggernaut got that I don't got? Don't you say legs! I know you're gonna say legs!

Firefist : [flips Deadpool off] Legs!

Deadpool : Still hurts to hear out loud!

Negasonic Teenage Warhead : How something so small generates enough energy to reverse time is...

Deadpool : Oh, just fix it, Eleven, or I'll take it to the Genius Bar.

Yukio : Cable's gonna kill you when he finds out.

Deadpool : Never heard of him.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead : Why do you think I'm helping him?

[tosses Deadpool the time-travel device]

Deadpool : The Lord works in mysterious ways, don't I? A good day.

Yukio : Bye, Wade!

Deadpool : Bye, Yukio!

Yukio : That was probably a bad idea.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead : What have we done?

Juggernaut : Now I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy.

Deadpool : I believe him!

Colossus : Come quietly, or there will be trouble.

Firefist : You stole that from Robocop!

Deadpool : That's from Robocop! Just stand down! You're embarrassing me.

Wade Wilson : Sorry I'm late. There was a bunch of handicapable children stuck in a tree and I had to, uh...

Vanessa : Uh-uh.

Wade Wilson : You're right. I was fighting a caped badass. But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too.

Vanessa : No.

Wade Wilson : You got me. I was rounding up all the gluten in the world and launching it into space where it can't not hurt us ever again.

Vanessa : Try again.

Wade Wilson : Diarrhea? We can't be sure until I get this suit off but, uh, all signs point to yes. Traffic? Hmm?

Vanessa : Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

[Deadpool carries baby Hitler]

Deadpool : That's okay. Let me see here. Oh, gosh. That's why you're such a little bastard. No one's ever changed you. Yeah, you got a big, old stinky in there, don't you? God, it smells like Hitler's anus, which... which would make sense, wouldn't it? Yeah.

[places baby Hitler on weighing scale]

Deadpool : I think we both know I don't have what it takes to do this, so I'm just gonna change your diaper real quick, and then I'm gonna come back with my friend Cable. He loves killing kids.

Deadpool : New plan: use all of your imaginary powers to stop Cable!

Domino : Where is he? I can't see him.

Deadpool : He's on top of you! He's going in through the back! OH GOD, HE'S INSIDE!

Domino : You hear yourself, right?

Deadpool : Accidental double entendres!

Deadpool : Is this Heaven?

Vanessa : Now it is.

Headmaster : All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy! Your souls are beyond redemption!

Cable : [pulls out a knife] Let's see YOUR soul, perv!

Deadpool : No! No! No! No more! We're better than that! We're better than him! No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed! We'll let karma take care of him.

Headmaster : The day of reckoning is here!

[Dopinder runs over the headmaster in his taxi]

Deadpool : I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great.

Dopinder : WHOO! COURAGE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Deadpool : ...And karma, motherfucker.

Cable : [referring to the headmaster, who is trying to escape Russell] He even runs like a fucking pervert.

Wade Wilson : yeah - an internet predator who lost his laptop.

Deadpool : Let's go get our fuck on!

Deadpool : Rules were meant to be broken!

Colossus : That's the exact opposite of what they're meant for!

Deadpool : [to Domino] Zip it, black Black Widow!

[Colossus charges at Juggernaut]

Deadpool : Go get 'em, tiger! Big CGI fight comin' up!

Deadpool : Tell me they got that in slow motion.

Wade Wilson : The asshole who killed Vanessa got away.

Colossus : Wade, whoever they are, we'll track them down, and bring them to justice.

Wade Wilson : It was me. I'm the asshole who got away. I've killed every last one of them, except me. I couldn't kill me.

[Wade starts breaking down]

Wade Wilson : We were going to start a family. We were, uh... We were gonna be a family...

Colossus : Wade, Vanessa is gone. She's not coming back. This might not be the family you want, but it's the family you need. You have a good heart. It belongs here, where it can grow.

Wade Wilson : What did you say? About my heart?

[Wade hugs Colossus]

Wade Wilson : I think I'm in the right place.

Juggernaut : Knock knock.

Wolverine : [Upon seeing the newly transformed Deadpool/Weapon XI] Wade, is that you?

[Wade does not respond]

Wolverine : I guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up

[unsheates his claws]

Wolverine : .

[Suddenly Deadpool/Weapon XI is shot in the head by someone who is then revealed to be the current, time-traveling Deadpool]

Deadpool : Hey! It's me! Don't scratch! Just tidying up the timeline.

[Deadpool shoots the old Deadpool several more times before walking away]

Deadpool : [to Wolverine] Love you.

[Colossus is reading a book when he hears music outside. He sees Deadpool playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" on his smartphone before covering his ears]

Deadpool : I made mistakes! I wanna take them back! You trusted me. I took that trust... and turned it into a glory hole in an airport bathroom. The one in Minneapolis. You know the one.

[Colossus walks out of his room and looks at Deadpool]

Deadpool : But even you know I'm not a complete piece of shit! I was once an X-Man!

Negasonic Teenage Warhead : Trainee!

[Negasonic Teenage Warhead throws a food container at Deadpool, knocking the smartphone off his hand. Deadpool turns around and picks up the container]

Deadpool : You're still using my Velcro labels. Aw.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead : They do stick better than tape.

Yukio : [waving at Deadpool] Hi Wade!

Negasonic Teenage Warhead : Please don't.

Colossus : Say whatever it is you're here to say. Make it quick.

Deadpool : Right. Quick. It's the kid. Just like you, I let him down. And just like me, he's never had anyone sacrifice anything for him because the whole world wrote him off as a piece of shit a long time ago. Look, he's teamed up with the Juggernaut!

[gasps]

Deadpool : The Juggernaut! Who's, like, my favorite Marvel character ever-

[looks at Yukio]

Deadpool : And hi Yukio! That was really nice of you to say hi, so I'm gonna say hi back. You guys make a super cute couple. Yeah. Where was I?

[looks back at Colossus]

Deadpool : Oh, yeah. You should never meet your heroes because, honestly, he's a bit of a dick! And like most dicks, he's hard as a rock and causes nothing but problems! Look, you can stop the Juggernaut. I know you can!

Colossus : Do you know what would happen to me if I helped you? I would be disgraced. You are a criminal, a fugitive. But worst of all, you broke my heart, Wade.

Deadpool : Then, you know what? Your heart's in the wrong place, big guy. Doing the right thing is sometimes messy and fucked up, and not particularly convenient! So stay here in Chateau de Virgin while we go get our fuck on!

Wade Wilson : Family was always an F-word to me. My pile-of-shit father took off and bailed. I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd.

Vanessa : Hey, look at me. You are not your father. Besides... I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.

[before the X-Force skydive]

Peter : Is anybody nervous about the high winds?

Deadpool : Gary...

Peter : My name's Peter.

Deadpool : I realize that you're new to this, but relax. You've been chosen by a higher power.

Domino : Did he just call himself God?

Bedlam : I think he did.

Peter : I'd like to go home.

Deadpool : And I'd like the McRib to be available year round, but sometimes dreams don't come true! I spent ten years in Special Forces! You think we didn't jump out of the plane because of a light breeze? YOU'RE IN THIS SHIT NOW, MUSTACHE!

Deadpool : [whispers to Peter] I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'd never let anything happen to you, sugar-bear.

Firefist : Stay back! Go home, Wade!

Deadpool : Let's talk. It doesn't have to go this way! That piece of shit, he deserves to die for what he did to you. He hurt you badly. Makes you wanna hurt others. But if you kill him, he wins. You become everything he says you are, but worse. You're just a kid. You don't wanna hurt anyone.

Firefist : How do you know what I want?

Deadpool : Because I've been inside you!... That came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes... which is also off-putting. The point is... there are people, there are people in this stupid world, besides him, who will treat you right.

Deadpool : Great... a bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes. Can I have one of those guns?

Cable : No.

Deadpool : That's fine. I'm just gonna use this brick. Maximum effort.

Deadpool : [Juggernaut comes out of a pile of rubble] Oh my God! Juggernaut! I thought that was you! I should've worn my white pants.

Deadpool : [Restored to full health after his collar broke off] Hello, superpower.

[Deadpool sneaks into a maternity ward and approaches one of the babies]

Deadpool : Boy, howdy. Hi. This is a toughie. Yeesh. Oh, yes. You're already practicing your little salute, huh? Yes, you are. Well, we'll take care of that, won't we?

[turns around]

Deadpool : Jesus Christ! This is so much tougher than I thought. Oh-ho.

[faces the baby again]

Deadpool : Oh, I'm going to hell.

[points at baby]

Deadpool : That makes two of us.

[places his hands on his head while walking in circles]

Deadpool : You can do this.

[looks at baby again while waving his arms back and forth]

Deadpool : This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. All right.

[cracks knuckles and sighs. Baby's crib is labeled 'A. Hitler - 20 April 1889']

Deadpool : Maximum effort.

[proceeds to grab baby]

Deadpool : Juggernaut! I should've worn the white pants!

Deadpool : [to prison goon] What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation?

Deadpool : Showtime Mama!

Weasel : Meet...

Domino : "Domino."

Deadpool : What's your shtick?

Domino : I'm lucky.

Deadpool : That's not a superpower.

Domino : Yeah it is.

Deadpool : No it isn't.

Domino : Yes, it is.

Deadpool : No it isn't.

Domino : Yeah, it is.

Deadpool : No, it isn't.

Domino : [Smiling] Yeah it is!

Deadpool : No it isn't.

Domino : No it isn't.

Deadpool : Yes, it is.

Domino : Told you.

Deadpool : GAH! Get outta my head!

Dopinder : Oh, mission accomplished?

Wade Wilson : Well, in a George W. sort of way.

Deadpool : Shhhh! Shhh...

[whispers to bartender ducking behind bar after gun fire ceases]

Deadpool : I'll take a cranberry-grapefruit vodka. I know it's called a Sea Breeze. Don't make me say it.

Wade Wilson : Every movie has a moment where the hero hits rock bottom, in Cool Runnings it was when John Candy's sled broke, in The Human Centipede it was when the actors signed on to be in that movie. This is no different. Rock. Meet bottom.

Colossus : Wade! What was the first rule?

Deadpool : Label everything in the refrigerator!

Wade Wilson : Fun fact about the Ice Box, though no-one has ever seen it, they say they keep a monster in the basement, right next to a huge steaming pile of foreshadowing.

Deadpool : Fuck

Cable : Why are you protecting the kid?

Deadpool : I don't give a fuck about him and his Are You My Mother complex!

[During a Sicilian mafia funeral, Deadpool breaks out of the coffin and shoots at the mob]

Deadpool : Whoo! Do not go in there!

Juggernaut : I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your ass.

Dopinder : My body and my hands are so soft.

Juggernaut : [to Colossus] I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring.

Wade Wilson : What, we're no longer accepting applications for X-force, unfortunately. Even if we were... there's a wind advisory in effect until at least...

Ryan Reynolds: Wade Wilson, Deadpool, Voice of Juggernaut

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