Eat My Muffin & Other Stories

The great erotic artists and pornographers have displayed creativity, while 99.9% of the practitioners in this field seemingly treat their work with contempt, grinding out a commodity over & over with boring repetition. The Stills & Mills team fall between these two extremes, but "Eat My Muffin" (& other stories) is a DVD showing them clearly in a rut.

Producing hundreds of virtually identical half-hour scenes about incest (but couched in "stepmother": "we're not blood relatives" cop-out advisory) must be a drag, almost as dull as watching them. This set of five vignettes adds to the vanilla sameness by featuring an entire cast of blondes, a couple mature and big-breasted (superstars Tanya Tate and Cherie DeVille) and the rest jail-bait, just waiting to be mentored via sexual initiation, lesbo style.

Title 2-parter is ridiculous, as "Muffin" implies either a bad old pun substituting for "eat my pussy" or an allusion to one of the silliest of all fetishes currently indulged in: the cupcake/muffin baking fetish. I guess the aroma is a turn-on but hardly worthwhile in the world of sex or voyeurism. Not to worry: Stills & Mills and their thoroughly untalented story "writer" named "Lucy J" merely have Tate puttering around baking muffins and offering them to jail-bait girls (perhaps auditioning for Wicked Witch roles), but never fear, no baked goods were eaten or even sniffed in this production.

Improv dialog is poor, as usual, and we get Tate seducing visitor Scarlet Red, then when caught in the act by her pixie-haircut stepdaughter Bailey Bae (Tate even calls her "Bailey Bae" as if that dumb stage name were a Southern gal's 2-part moniker like Elizabeth Anne or Mary Ann) the kid is cajoled into having a threesome.

As if that were not enough, Tate is back with yet another stepdaughter (Katarina Kay), humping her outdoors as a preposterous "de-stressing" technique after catching her kid vaping. But even though an e-cigarette is involved (how hip!), the segment is titled "Caught Smoking", a vapid rather than vaped moniker.

Ever-cheerful Cherie DeVille takes center-stage at the "Immoral Proposal" mansion, its exterior and interior extremely well-photographed by director Stills by Alan (he has a future in shooting stills, a profession he should have continued rather than becoming an ersatz director). Especially impressive is a Steadicam or pro hand-held tracking shot of DeVille leading volunteer gardener/handy-woman Staci Carr up the mansion's spiral staircase to take a bath together, hint, hint. Episode is titled "The Yard Bird", by folks who never appreciated or studied the work of Charlie Parker.

Finale has DeVille in "Seducing Her Friends", still at the mansion with her stepdaughter Taylor Whyte back home. Like most of these scenes, the plot set-up is cheaply phoned in: an actress on her cell phone telling us pretty much both sides of a conversation as exposition. Taylor's broken up with her boyfriend Martin who cheated on her, and momma (I mean stepmomma) comforts her with sex. Insipid ending, only possible because of Cherie's trademark pearly whites breaking into an irresistible smile, has her explaining to the kid how to seduce a friend of Martin's in order to win the cheating slob back (ignoring the cheating premise entirely). Such are the perils of shooting junk without a real screenplay.

I think I'll watch an old Vivid DVD of one of the Blondage series to counteract this stinker.