I didn't think it could actually happen, but it has: a film produced by The Asylum, purveyors of low-grade schlock, and made for the welcoming melodramatic arms of Lifetime and their original TV movies. I am amazed. I am astounded. It's everything I hoped it could be. 'Secret lives of college escorts' is a dream, the Holy Grail for lovers of B-movies, and it is a must-see in the best and worst of ways.
This is bewilderingly, hilariously direct, forthright, blunt, unsubtle, brusque, and fast-paced, in every way it possibly can be. These adjectives and all feasible synonyms apply to the music, acting, dialogue, characters, scene writing, narrative, plot development, direction, stunts, production design, art direction, hair and makeup work, costume design, sound design, cinematography, and editing. The production values are stunningly bare-faced, so glaring as to be almost painful for the eyes to behold. This isn't to say that any of these elements are done poorly - far from it! - or that those involved aren't giving their full attention and effort to the feature. I think all these facets look and sound great just as they are, as a matter of fact; the cast play it straight even as they purposefully overact, for example, not least star Pilot Paisley-Rose, and the vanity artists and wardrobe department did terrific work. It's also 100% unfailingly clear, however, from the start, what the slant is of this little film. To my utter delight, the result is fabulously bombastic, a confounding wild ride that's equally sure-footed, fleet-footed, and deliberately club-footed in its approach to film-making and storytelling. And it's a total blast!
Of course, with this said, I understand why such fare doesn't appeal to everyone. Lifetime isn't generally regarded highly, and not without good reason, and they're leagues above The Asylum. I will say, however, that sometimes The Asylum surprises, and despite the tenor of Lifetime's movies, they're never sloppy. 'Secret lives of college escorts' sits perfectly at that wonderful intersection of the overcooked thriller that represents the TV network at its most consciously wacky (see for example two of my personal favorites, 'Pom poms and payback' or 'Wheels of beauty'), and the unapologetically insincere, bald-faced bluster that the infamous production company churns out so regularly. If one isn't prepared to engage with such outrageousness then of course it won't sit well with them. Yet for those who appreciate B-movies, whatever form they might take, this is the thriller equivalent of the trashiest cinematic nonsense you've ever laid eyes on. And it's a hoot!
The only possible point of criticism I'd levy is that there are times when this title wavers between abjectly over the top, indifferent to good sense, then on the other hand coming off as a more earnest variety of drama. It has a hard time, perhaps, maintaining the same zealous tone throughout its ninety minutes. In fairness, though, one might argue that this is just a reflection of trying to balance zaniness with actual plot development, which is surely a hard path to tread. More to the point, if this is the only bad remark one has to give, then I'd say a feature is doing pretty darn well for itself! I knew going in that this was a TV movie, but until I pressed "play" I didn't know who was behind the production. I am so, so very pleased with the finished product, that match made in cinematic purgatory, for this is fantastically fun all the way. It's a class of picture designed head to toe for flagrant excess in every capacity, and honestly believe filmmaker (and co-star) Ashley Jones, screenwriter Melissa Cassera, and every participant among the cast and crew were firing on all cylinders in bringing this monster to life. Once more, I get why some viewers won't like it, but all I can say is that if you're looking for a preposterously overblown B-movie romp, 'Secret lives of college escorts' needs to be at the top of your list! Bravo!
