GoldenRod

Looking like it was shot on film rather than video, the action film "GoldenRod" is neither fish nor fowl. It plays like one of those amateurish regional movies that are made by would-be indie filmmakers able to raise some cash but lacking the talent or expertise to make an acceptable feature film. But these amateurs are pornographers, so lots of XXX content keeps rearing its ugly head. I'm guessing that a bowdlerized version, with the offending hardcore material scrapped, would not be long enough to qualify as a movie (IMDb uses a very liberal 45 minutes as its minimum).

Putting aside its obvious shortcomings, looking at the film from a porno point of view its helmer Jeff Coldwater, who has numerous screen credits, none of them looking promising, makes the cardinal mistake of misusing his leading lady Rebecca Wild. Many fans, including myself, have sat through many a Wild vehicle, satisfied with seeing her looking beautiful and humping enthusiastically. Coldwater foolishly downplays Wild's role, doesn't photograph her properly and reduces her to the status of guest star in her own movie.

On paper it's an ambitious affair, with large-scale action scenes, a big crew, lots of big-name actors milling about (searching for the paymaster one assumes) and even a screenplay with a couple of good twists and turns. Had it been assigned to a director with a modicum of talent, say one of those many '70s drive-in directors like Jack Starrett, Steve Carver or Jonathan Demme (couldn't resist name-dropping), it might have emerged as a crossover curio good enough to attract a loyal following.

Seth Gecko, whose name in the opening credits is so dumb it stopped me dead in my tracks, is so bad in the leading role he single-handedly sinks the movie. Bearing a stupid hair-do so lousy that one of the other actors (I think it was Joey Silvera) insults it in an ad-lib, Gecko is unappealing both as actor and porn performer. He's a former government agent cornily forced back into service by ex-boss J.P. Ronnoco (who seems like a real, card-carrying actor accidentally stuck in a porno film assignment) to go after his former associate Charley played by Rebecca Wild. J.P. runs the S.M.O.: Suicide Mission Operations.

Contrived story has her dealing in plates for counterfeit Franklins, with the phony $100 bills playing an important part of the action. Other bad guys that Gecko must deal with are searching for a mystical sapphire ring called the Eye of the Incas, stolen in South America. There's a backstory concerning a "perfect hermaphrodite" involved with the stone, but that potentially TS content (perfect for porn) subplot is not pursued at all.

That injects into the story special guest star Jamie Gillis, so important he gets the laughable billing in the opening credits of "Sir Jamie Gillis". Many porn fans consider him as the best actor in Adult Film history, a designation I have always resisted. With a great director and a tailor-made part Jamie has given a fine performance or two, notably in Damiano's "The Story of Joanna'". But mostly and in spades here he hams it up and is embarrassing.

This time he's Major General Cortez from Argentina, with a Nazi she-devil in tow overplayed by (Ms.) Wally Wharton as Irma Hess. He's after the fabulous jewel, with which he hopes to finance his dream, franchising a chain of death camps modeled after the WW II Nazis. (Who says untalented pornographers have no imagination?) Jamie's big line, when not improvising his usual porn-speak banter or racist remarks, is "Do you take South American Express?".

Silvera is another guest star, billed simply as "Joey" in the end credits, whose brief role is phoned in. Mike Horner also briefly shows up to deliver story exposition.

Best sex is provided, as often has happened, by Nikki Sterling, while Jeanna Fine and Julie Rage are wasted in smaller parts, merely to cash in on their names on the video box. The action scenes involving chases, light airplane and other physical action are poorly staged but at least diverting in the context of usually static hardcore porn features.

If you are trapped into watching this, don't give into the temptation to turn it off after a few reels. All the good plotting and switches take place near the end and compensated a bit for the trash that had gone before.