Sexstyles of the Rich and Famous

In the heyday of VHS, just before the DVD revolution, porn was cranked out willy-nilly, resulting in thousands of unwatchable/barely watchable artifacts. This is one of them.

Ostensibly a takeoff on the popular Robin Leach TV interview format, we're treated to four overlong vignettes of who-cares sex, within the framework of Robin Robin (Scott Baker) as our host. It's deadly dull and pointless, making today's XXX spoofs seem brilliant by comparison.

First vignette mocks Jane Fonda and Sylvester Stallone (as Rocky), poorly impersonated by Siobhan Hunter and Joey Santini. Despite the video's title, it is shot on the cheapest of sets (called the "Club Jabo" in Manhattan) and with no location work.

Scene #2 concerns Joan Collins and Klaus von Bulow, or Susan Melendez vs. Rod Retta. Melendez's attractive breasts make this almost OK.

Next, Bianca Jagger goes up against Clint Eastwood, in the form of Melissa Melendez and George Payne. Payne is called "Clint" verbally, but is the sole cast member not getting a character name in the end credits. He mumbles his way through a non-impersonation, merely wearing a cowboy hat and seems to be appearing in the video under protest. Improvised dialog is miserable, as when Payne declares he's getting ready for a "Bianca blast". Perhaps he would have been happier with an Eric Fleming/Clint sex scene.

Finale is group sex, beginning with a Royal Princess (presumably Lady Di) played by Ashley Welles and Superman, Michael Knight with a Chris Reeve forehead spit curl. Rather dated namedropping invokes such couples as Sean Penn/Madonna and Bo & John Derek. Sly played by Santini interrupts them for a threesome and the rest of the cast join in, ending an hour-plus farrago.

Baker's smarmy performance is a non-starter. I see in IMDb his straight and porn appearances are divided arbitrarily and sloppily between "Scott Baker" and "Scott Thompson Baker", but he's fooling no one.

Director and producer is misspelled twice as J. Angel Martini and J. Angel Martitni. Roberta Findlay has been generically accused of being the culprit, though it's hard to believe she could have authored such a poorly executed and relentlessly boring junker.