Watch Me Cum

Out of the goodness of his heart, internet pornographer "Stills by Alan" shares directing credit with all 10 of his actresses in the low-grade (thereby true to its title) "Watch Me Cum". Before questioning my integrity in watching junk so titled, just remember I do it all in the spirit of research.

The lovely actresses in question are unlikely to be invited to join the DGA after this one. It's a poorly disguised imitation of amateur porn tapes, the ones that have helped out the careers of folks like Pam and Kim. As a film structuralist I was more than annoyed at the corners cut by "Alan" in purporting to present material made by the ladies themselves and "sent in" for release, but most viewers (if such a doomed project actually attracts an audience) will find it wanting on a strictly porn- arousal level.

Five scenes have both big names (Shyla Jennings and current instant superstars Keisha Grey & Abigail Mac) as well as newcomers pretending to shoot selfie-porn with their little video cameras. The master shot is sometimes legitimate, emanating from a distant camera set up shown to be installed not unlike a CCTV unit, but often "Alan" just cuts to magical footage filmed by his crew, defying the spontaneous "realism" we've been promised. Of course, "who cares?" is the answer to everything, but guess what - I care when garden variety bamboozling is in progress.

Each segment has a pointless title, since these are meant for streaming, not designed to please old-fashioned video/DVD fans (myself included) who pop for the hard copy compilation. Phoniest vignette must be the initial one titled "She'll Always Think of Me" in which camerawoman/star Abigail Mac (her name misspelled as "Abigale" on screen by our intrepid pornographers) interviews lovely Halle Von, who claims to be 18 but was 20 or 21 when this was shot. Supposedly she's only had sex six times (that obviously doesn't count her on-screen porn assignments back in 2014), and tells Abby she never learned to masturbate.

Such an admonition turns on a red flag with Mac, and soon she is teaching HV not only the joys of self-abuse but Sapphic lovemaking like the pros do it, including applying a big pink vibrator to the task. This indulgence in total b.s. made it difficult to sit through the remaining segments.

There's a modicum of interaction between the girls, but basically this is mechanical sex lacking any of the drama or involvement that is the hallmark of video's distributor Girlfriends Films' famous in-house features. I have previously speculated that Dan O'Connell and his Girlfriends empire have contracted to release sludge like this in order to make their own productions look good, and rather than a conspiracy theory it seems more and more plausible. Your honor, I place into evidence one defective DVD titled "Watch Me Cum", and rest my case.