Biography

Growing up in South Bend, in a very spiritual family, I was extremely affected by the mysticism of religion and felt a deep spiritually in terms of justice. And South Bend has been the greatest influence of all, it embodies poverty and international privilege in a very small community."

My greatest fear was that my mother would die, and I would be forced to live with some of my relatives. I felt this despair and knew what that loss would to do to someone emotionally. I knew that I would search for her everywhere, in everything, and that any connection that bared resemblance to her, I would desperately cling to.

So there I am again. A ping ping ball, being thrown back and forth in a cultural debate that I never wanted to be apart of. The status quo calls me feminist. And yet the feminist groups reject me. Both the mainstream and third wave feminists are in cultural disagreement, yet, both the mainstream and the third wave feminists will judge my work by my gender.

These so called feminists are at the center of my inner conflict. These are the women who have bullied me for being feminine, criticized me for adoring fashion or loving my Barbie Doll collection passionately, rolled their eyes at my Anna Nicole Smith pictures. These are women who said that in order for women to be successful they must become men, "think like a man", be tough like man. In order to be successful you cannot embody any feminine characteristics. To look and act feminine is weak, is wrong, is a recipe for failure. This critic reminds me how the third wave feminists failed me and women altogether. Once they decided that success as a woman should be measured by one abilities to think like a man, and that feminine qualities were weak, they became misogynists themselves.

I turned in the film on April 17. New York City's noise and busyness felt as if it was attacking me. I started screaming and jumped in my car and left. I cried the whole 11 hour drive to Indiana. Not because, I was emotionally hurt but because I felt nothing. These were new tears, tears that I cried because I wanted to be a human again and I had no idea where to start. I wanted to experience romantic love without thinking about domestic violence. I wanted to find people that were not so selfish and obsessed with celebrities, that could appreciate things for just existing. I wanted a genuine friend who did not want anything from me. And as music played on the radio, songs that used to inspire, amounted to nothing that I could believe in anymore. My heart was broken, and it happened to break because I followed it.