Quotes

Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right.

Wearing a turtle-neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy...all damn day! In fact, if you wear a backpack and a turtle-neck, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down!

My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition, but people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later....so, yeah.'

I like escalators because they can't break down. They can only temporarily become stairs.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

Whenever somebody hands me a flier, it's like they're saying, "Here, *you* throw this away."

If I worked at a grocery store and I saw a duck come in and take a loaf of bread with his beak, I'd let him go.