Quotes

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.

Slumps don't bother me.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I know my name will always be linked with women.