Quotes

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn't do it; it is something that I like to do.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. [from the book "Brain Droppings"]

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I enjoy criticizing on the basis of "It's you folks." Because I never felt a part of this, I never identified with a local group. I never belonged to any club, organization, or state. I love New York City, but that's a chauvinist thing. I suppose it's a belonging thing. I'm not proud of this country, I don't care what happens to it, I honestly don't give a shit if it all goes up in flames. Having that freedom just made the writing so much more fun.

As long as you have observations to make, as long as you can see things and let them register against your template, as long as you're able to take impressions and compare them with the old ones, you will always have material. People have always asked me: 'Don't you ever think you might run out of ideas? Don't you ever worry about not having anything to say anymore?' Occasionally that does flash through your mind, because it's a natural human impulse to think in terms of beginnings and endings. The truth is, I can't run out of ideas - not as long as I keep getting new information and I can keep processing it.

Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me. [...] Here's a rule of thumb, folks: Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it came from one of my albums, books, HBO shows, or appeared on my website. [from his official website, in response to the massive number of jokes and rants on the internet that are falsely attributed to him.]

Who says life is sacred? God? Hey, if you read your history, God is one of the leading causes of death. (from George Carlin: Back in Town (1996))

For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers...so when nature strikes back, and smacks him on the head and kicks him in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse. (Life is Worth Losing)

[on The George Carlin Show (1994)] Lesson learned: always check mental health of creative partner beforehand. Loved the actors, loved the crew. Had a great time. Couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there.

The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything.

It's called the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Even though I don't smoke, I'm not one of those fanatics you run into. In fact, I love watching cigarette smokers in their sad little sealed-off areas, sucking away, deep lines in their faces, precancerous lesions taking hold, the posture and body language of petty criminals. You know what you do with these people? Give 'em free cigarettes. Let 'em smoke.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

[from his book "Brain Droppings"] Most people are not particularly good at anything.

[from his book "Brain Droppings"] Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Second is not all that bad.

[from his book "Brain Droppings"] If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire.

[from his book "Napalm & Silly Putty"] Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

[from his book "Brain Droppings"] Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of church and state. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

[from his book "Brain Droppings"] I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

[from "An Interview with Jesus", from the album "A Place for My Stuff"] I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

[March 1997] We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus--is "bogosity" a word? It should be--a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".

[from his book "Brain Droppings"] Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

[from his book "Napalm & Silly Putty"] I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

[from the introduction to his book "Brain Droppings"] Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

[from his book "Napalm & Silly Putty"] Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

[from George Carlin: Carlin on Campus (1984)] The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".

[from his book "Napalm & Silly Putty"] Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I collected autographs as a kid--not in any sort of hardcore way, but just by hanging around the stage doors. And I loved Danny Kaye. He was in the stage show at Radio City, and I went and I stood at that door for over an hour. It was a rainy, cold day--I wasn't in the direct rain, but it was very cold and it was getting dark. And I stood there and waited for Danny Kaye, and he came and I was the only kid there. And he walked right past me. He wouldn't even say anything. And I did my little rap, "Oh please, please, please . . . ". And then later I see him with these UNICEF kids, with 30 of them sitting on his lap, and I knew he was full of shit.

[in his will, regarding his funeral] I wish no public service of any kind. I wish no religious service of any kind. I prefer a private gathering at my home, attended by friends and family members . . . It should be extremely informal, they should play rhythm and blues music, and they should laugh a lot.

[from his album "FM & AM", on being fired from his Las Vegas lounge act in the early '60s] I was fired for saying "shit" in a town where the most popular game is called "craps".

Doing new stuff is a point of pride with me. People may not consider it so, but stand-up comedy is one of the performing arts, and artists are supposed to grow and evolve over time. Through the years, my technique has sharpened, my writing has improved and even my observations have grown richer. I can't do old material; I would feel like a failure. Essentially, this job is that of a writer, but a writer who doesn't produce new work all the time is not a writer--he's a typist.

[from Carlin at Carnegie (1983)] Did you ever do this? Look at your dog and think of the saddest thing you can think of. It'll look like it's happening to your dog. All the sadness of the world is in the eyes of a dog.

[from his album "A Place for My Stuff"] That's my job: thinking up goofy shit.

[from his book "Brain Droppings"] Always do whatever's next.

[responding to claims that gay teachers "recruit children and therefore shouldn't be teachers] If my teacher could have influenced my sexuality, I would have turned out to be a nun.

As long as you have observations to make, as long as you can see things and let them register against your template, as long as you're able to take impressions and compare them with the old ones, you will always have material. People have always asked me, "Don't you ever think you might run out of ideas? Don't you ever worry about not having anything to say anymore?" Occasionally that does flash through your mind, because it's a natural human impulse to think in terms of beginnings and endings. The truth is, I can't run out of ideas--not as long as I keep getting new information and I can keep processing it.

[on the massive number of jokes and rants on the internet that are falsely attributed to him] Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me. [...] Here's a rule of thumb, folks: Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it came from one of my albums, books, HBO shows, or appeared on my website.

[from George Carlin: Back in Town (1996) Who says life is sacred? God? Hey, if you read your history, God is one of the leading causes of death.

[(from George Carlin: Back in Town (1996)] On election day, I'll be doing the same thing you folks are doing, except when I'm finished masturbating I'm going to have a little more to show for it.

[from "Life Is Worth Losing"] For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers . . . so when nature strikes back, and smacks him on the head and kicks him in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse.

[on replacing Ringo Starr as the Conductor on 'Shining Time Station']: I'm the anti-Pete Best!

[on the quality of 'Shining Time Station']: There's usually a theme that runs through a show which respects, I think, a child's ability to follow, And yet there is an interesting, broken quality to the run of the show. It doesn't linger anywhere too long.