Quotes

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me! Don't chase me around! Don't be going 'whhhoooo I'm gonna sell this to Spike Lee, or Bob Saget.'

[from "Bob Goldthwait - Is He Like That All The Time?" on HBO]: America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

That movie looks so bad, I can't believe I wasn't in it.

You can't blame the President for everything that's wrong with this country. That's like blaming Ronald McDonald if you get a bad cheeseburger.

(about fatherhood, 1992) Yeah, my kids have already started a support group.

Fame is like a big eraser. It's strange, now that I'm famous. In my parents' opinion, all the shitty things - all the wreckage of my past - is erased. Now it's like I was never the kid who got arrested. Now I'm a wonderful son.

I retired from acting the same time they stopped hiring me. But following my own thing of making these small indie movies has been the happiest I've ever been.

I didn't see "Phantom Menace" or the "Attack of the Clones" because I'm forty years old and I've been laid.

I lost my job. I didn't actually lose my job. My job is still there, but somebody else is doing it.... I lost my girlfriend. I didn't actually lose my girlfriend. My girlfriend is still there, but somebody else is doing it.