Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [singing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] Dashing through the sand, / With a bomb strapped to my back, / I have a nasty plan / For Christmas in Iraq. / I got through Checkpoint A, / But not through checkpoint B. / That's when I got shot in the ass / By the U.S. military.
[the audience applauds]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [spoken] Silence! I'm not finished!
[audience laughs]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And this is a sad song!
[singing]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / Mine blew up, you see. / Where are all the virgins / That Bin Laden promised me? / Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / U.S. soldiers shot me dead. / The only thing that I have left / Is this towel upon my head. / I used to be a man, / But every time I cough, / Thanks to Uncle Sam, / My nuts keep falling off.
[Dunham and Guitar Guy look at where Achmed's groin should be]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [spoken] Stop looking, you perverts!
[to a woman in the audience]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You can look, badonkadonk chick. And I have an Irish wiener. It's magically delicious!
[to Dunham]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay, that's funny. I give you that one. That was good.
[singing]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My bombing days are done. / I need to find some work. / Perhaps it would be much safer / As a convenient store night clerk. / Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / I think I am screwed. / Don't laugh at me because I'm dead / Or I kill you!
