Private Gold 168

Fans of orgies with poor taste would be advised to skip this junker and suffer instead through the same director's Private Gold 162, which features two dozen Brit & Euro porn players having at it in Ibiza. That same footage is excerpted (and commented upon ad nauseum by the stars) in this intolerable follow-up feature released by Private as that once-dominant label seemingly goes through its death throes.

So director Cremona and Private are frugal: they manage to recycle horrible stuff and get two titles out of it. Of course that old canard of fans "who will sit through anything that runs through a projector" needs to be updated to fit a current set of morons who apparently will sit through anything on DVD or that they can stream via the internet. Hucksters like the Private honchos exploit this sad fact.

I watch a cross-section of porn (and mainstream cinema harking back to my film buff days in the '60s), and so occasionally stumble upon rejects of this magnitude. The difference is I know when I've been had and am not a shrinking violet who keeps his displeasure to himself.

Bona fide stars appear here and go through the motions of making a film, notably A-list Brit talent Ava Dalush, Jasmine Jae and Cathy Heaven (film was made in 2013, so Cathy still has her good old tits, not the huge blown- up ones of 2015).

They rather mindlessly debate the issue of infidelity in the form of all three humping Mr. Tattoo, not Herve Villechaize but his illegitimate fictional porn offspring Dean Van Damme. Each one takes fake umbrage that the other(s) have been in the sack with Dean, even though we, the viewers, know it was all in a good cause, namely to earn a paycheck in their porn careers. However, that paycheck signed by the Private label comes under false pretenses, considering the meager footage on display.

Film kicks off with Ava interviewed in the manner of "How I spent my (XXX- rated) summer vacation" as she recalls those halcyon days in Ibiza participating in an orgy (aforesaid content of Private Gold 162). She name- drops Dean to get the ball rolling and we sit through 6 minutes of random footage from that dumb orgy. The kind folks at Private don't give credit to Adult performers of the male persuasion, so I had to strain and pick out some famous faces/dicks from the scene (I refuse to suffer through 162, having first watched this abortion of a video or to be more precise, afterbirth of a video). For the record, besides Dean one can easily spot Ryan Ryder, Marco Banderas, Mike Angelo, George Uhl and an actor Ava has name-dropped: Omar Galanti.

Remaining segments have generic sex of Dean with Cathy and then Jae as promised plus Marc Rose doing the honors with Cathy. Karlie Simon, a bosomy and talented Brit starlet not yet in the first rank, gives a very boring anecdote of being inebriated and driving a car dangerously in Spain even though she doesn't know how and has no driver's license. We get to see, thanks to the brilliant director Cremona, her driving a bit and getting humped by Mike Angelo who supposedly she doesn't recognize (impossible given the tight-knit porn community) and is pretending to be Spanish. Corny punchline to this scene is beyond insulting when Mike leaves her high and dry after promising to help her find civilization, once he's delivered his money shot; to quote Judi Dench in "Philomena": "I never saw that coming!".

Junker finally ends with some footage of the endless cast celebrating with drinks in a post-script to their orgy and then some lame oiler footage of Cathy and Jae as masseuses for Marc Rose, whose cum shot is shown in slow motion. Final line of dialog: "Feel free to tip the masseuse". At moments like that I become convinced that my first inclination, oh some four or five decades ago, that performing in porn = prostitution was on the money, all subsequent protests to the contrary be damned.