A lot of people presume that the golden age of slasher movie ended in 1986. Admittedly censorship was beginning to have it's own devastating effect on the once thriving theme. But if truth be known, in 1988 the love it or leave it category was still alive and thriving. In that year alone, we had the impressive entries: Maniac Cop Intruder, Evil Dead Trap and they were only the really good ones! Perhaps less successful, but still as alluring was the rarely themed attempt - Iced! I say rarely themed' because, as the name incautiously describes it's set on a snowy ski result with a killer that doesn't don a clown or hockey mask, but instead an orange visor and a snow suit! The only other movie I can think of that has almost exactly the same setting is Shredder, the recently released ski and slash film that's almost an unofficial remake! Totally coincidental, of course!
Six teenagers are mysteriously invited to a mountainous snow bound resort for a weekend of sex, drugs and cheesiness! It's the first time that they've been skiing since their friend, well; acquaintance was killed in an accident four years earlier. Jeff died after he had sworn vengeance on Cory for stealing the woman he had eyes for, Trina. Even before they all arrive, a psycho wearing the snowsuit and ski mask that Jeff died in viciously murders one of them. Hmmm! We've already learned that he was an eccentric character, he spent time in an asylum and he's partial to throwing violent bouts if things don't exactly go his way. Now it looks as if he's come back from the dead to make good on his last words to those who tormented him in life!
Iced sits comfortably along with Evil Laugh, Fatal Pulse, Killer Workout et al, as yet another horror' movie that'll bring a smile to your lips more often than it'll ever send a shiver up your spine! Thankfully, they usually always manage to redeem their utter incompetence with the unmistakeable comedy of outright ineptness! Joseph Alan Johnson, the star' of the 1986 bore-a-thon Berserker penned the story and he also plays a key role. Quite why anyone would let him loose in front of a camera again is a mystery; he must've struck some kind of deal when he sold his screenplay! But his lack of any talent fits in nicely with the rest of the brain-starved cast that also includes slasher reprobates Debra Deliso (Slumber Party Massacre) and Lisa Loring (Blood Frenzy - the 1987 one, not Mario Bava's)!
Jeff Kwitny doesn't make any use of the potentially intriguing set locations, you'd think that he could have staged a few remarkable set pieces and made good use of the snow coated mountains. But he instead decides to kill off everyone in and around the cabin, but to be fair; some of the methods of murder are fairly unique. It's amusing, because I never thought that an icicle could be used as a murder weapon! Oh well, you learn something-new everyday, don't you!
The film's real merits lie in the total plot ineptness that can only be found to this standard in slasher movies from the eighties. First off isn't it just amazing how in four years, no-one's appearance has changed at all! Each character is inimitably cheesy; especially Carl who at one point pours out enough cocaine to sniff that even Tony Montana would question his nasal capacity! Eddie's car breaks down conveniently where the killer has a snowplough parked so that he can rearrange his body parts and they all must be stone deaf, because they never hear the dieing screams of their friends as they're massacred only a few yards away! As well as suffering from hearing difficulties, Trina is also particularly dumb. If the victims' from Nail Gun Massacre took the biscuit for being a little slow off the mark, then she runs off with the whole packet. She finds Cory lying in the kitchen with a knife sticking out of his chest, he asks her to get some help and after the obligatory fumble for the keys to a car that wont start, she eventually decides to use the telephone (doh)! Instead of ringing the local law enforcement or a paramedic for her Husband who's probably bleeding to death, she calls Alex the resort manager that she shared dinner with the night before! Good thinking brains! When the killer is finally unmasked after a particularly leisurely paced showdown, his motives are thinner than Lisa Loring's comeback' career
and just as baffling!
If you are one of those that's riding the eighties revival and your favourite song is still it's the final countdown', then Iced will rock your world! It was released in the years when slasher directors no longer had gore to rely on to obscure their lack of talent, so instead they used lame nudity and deliberately or not unintentional humour. It shines only because it excels in being a woefully bad movie that thinks it's extremely good! I'm in my early twenties, but it makes me feel old when I have to say that they just don't make them like this anymore
