My nightmare came true in TOO YOUNG TO KNOW, a forgotten '80s video directed (poorly as usual) by Drea, who should have stuck to acting. Yes, my least favorite porn performer of all time William Margold dominates this sad throwback, doing almost a stand-up comedy routine as a substitute teacher of sex education.
It's a lousy premise, and sloppily constructed junker, as the q&a of the classroom leads to "illustrated" segments of the young girls having sex, all of which supposedly demonstrates from a porn point of view the wonders of sexuality. Smarmy as always Margold's contribution is to crack increasingly dumb jokes to his captive audience. For one, he asserts that the average male ejaculation constitutes one and a half spoonfuls of sperm.
I wish he had been around many decades ago teaching my first Physics class at MIT, where such off-the-wall estimations gave rise to homework assignments (they did have a purpose) like estimating the number of blades of grass on the lawn outside our building. (I guess the XXX student assignment would be to estimate the number of liters from all of Peter North's money shots on screen over the last 30 years.)
This dubious entertainment features some attractive high schoolers, notably Bunny Bleu and Gina Valentino. As a measure of Drea's incompetence, she has anal specialist Rene Summers (spelled "Summer") in the cast, but omits the "proof" closeup during a back-door scene featuring Rene when the topic comes up in class. (It's typically discussed in poor taste, having something to do with the hygiene involved in the practice (often scene in a porn film) of a guy alternating penetration in the anus and vagina, typical of the scintillating topics covered here).
Margold insists he's using a "reverse Socratic method" here, and who am I to challenge such a renowned authority (and b.s. artist)?
Film concludes with the regular teacher returning to class, and Margold the sub revealed to have been a fraud who was not the assigned substitute teacher after all. I was shocked -utterly devastated: Bill Margold accused of being a fraud? Oh, the horror of it all.
