My wife and I have been on a bad movie kick for some time now - seeing which of us can pick the most dreadful movie, and make it through to the end.
We endured this film tonight, and we both agreed: this is, hands (way) down, the absolute worst movie we have ever seen in our 48 years on this planet.
Please know, this is NOT internet hyperbole - as the most god-awful movie ever, EVAR, "Grey Agenda" will roll off our tongues, like fake snot off a foam rubber grey alien mask, for as long as we both breathe.
This, of course, makes it oddly endearing. As could be expected, the viewing session devolved rather quickly into an mst3k-fest (we are still working out which of us is Tom Servo, but I digress..) , and we were making each other laugh so hard we nearly peed and simultaneously regurgitated our rather high quality Mexican dinner cuisine.
It gave us SO much to work with! Bizarre and lawless camera angles (the irony of seeing the words "steadycam" in the credits is palpable), including consistent breaking of the fourth wall; 50's style "effects", but somehow executed more poorly than the effects themselves; crazy and sometimes completely absent lighting and incoherent cinematic filtering; poor blocking, with actors in the same scene literally forgotten for minutes at a time off camera, actors consistently positioned with backs to the camera, or obscured by props or other actors; 5th grade "brawl" scenes with obvious attempts to protect the scenery and props themselves; 2nd grade dialog, with a script that feels like a book report extended by extra words merely to reach a page count quota; poor sound, completely lacking in fidelity and balance, with dialog consistently masked by inconsistent and outlandishly inappropriate royalty free music selections and sound effects (who invited the Japanese-drum-circle neighbors?); a storyline that somehow overshadows its own predictability with raw conceptual and literal dialog repetition; establishing shots that look entirely different from the location of the scene they are meant to establish; poor editing, with nothing but jump cuts, often cutting off or cutting into dialog; and "acting" that just feels like nobody really knew their lines, with abrupt changes in emotional state - as if they suddenly remembered their motives.
There's even an epilouge after the credits - like someone was seriously, if even for a moment, considering a sequel.
Ordinarily, even bad movies have at least one or two actors that "shine" or somehow demonstrate SOME level of competence. Not this abomination - There Will Be None Of That, Mister! No sir! It's as if they made a pact NOT to deliver their lines with any sort of skill, so as not to accidentally show anyone up. The crazy guy in the park was probably most believable, on par with a couple lines and emoting from the black cop. But only for a fleeting moment, before returning to the comforting nest of odd facial tics, poor enunciation, robotic pauses, and erratic projection. The police agent delivering lines about the death of the truthers-meeting guest speaker was downright bizarre (like some Matrix-like speech-impeded Agent Smith with IBS) , and the "fed" with the accent was entertaining on a level we are certain the producers and directors never intended.
And while we had our fun watching and commenting as this on-screen effluent unfolded, there were also the vast black holes of time we spent in stunned silence, punctuated with an occasional "... Wow..." , incredulous that such an experience could be delivered via a modern streaming media service in the 21st century.
Our shock at the stupendous on-screen fail-fest was only equalled by the discovery that this was not some 80's indy project, but rather a movie made in the era of the Trump administration, just last year as of this review date (which actually kinda explains a lot).
This movie has it all, and more.
So, invite some friends, pregame with your libations of choice (we're guessing weed would enhance the experience even more), and strap in tight for this bad boy - you'll be hooked after about 15 minutes, fascinated by the real possibility that everyone involved in this tragic magic may have never actually SEEN a movie themselves before embarking on this endeavor.
You've been warned, now go have fun!
