[posting to fans after scalding himself with coffee] I never thought I would ever be writing something like this, but there is an update on the condition of my penis. HE IS 100% RECOVERED AND FULLY FUNCTIONAL, COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF PERFORMING ANY OF HIS NORMAL DUTIES. No scarring, no stabbing, no PTSD. He's good to go. While the sudden outpouring of concern for the welfare of my penis is heartwarming indeed (it brings a tear to my eye, it really does), it's not like someone tried to chop him off or he suddenly developed the ability to do calculus or something.
