Well, if one is looking for a Tawny Kitaen...er...'star' vehicle...here it is.
Fresh off of her role as the female lead in Bachelor Party and a couple years before she appeared in the Whitesnake videos, Kitaen starred in Crystal Heart. Sort of a hybrid of A Star Is Born and The Boy In The Plastic Bubble, Crystal Heart concerns itself with the unlikely story of an aspiring female dancer/singer and a young man with severe immune deficiencies who by necessity lives in a hermetically sealed environment. The young man is also a musician and the aspiring starlet is searching for music with "meaning".
Girl meets boy and against all odds love blooms!
On the plus side, for whatever else can be said of Kitaen in terms of talent (she was never much of an actress and while she was at one time physically fit she never was a singer as her 100% lip-synched performances - miming to someone else's vocals - here display), back in the day Kitaen WAS a knockout. I mean, absolutely gorgeous. In Crystal Heart, Kitaen is here in all her ravishingly beautiful glory, before the silicone implants and decades of drug abuse and elective cosmetic surgeries ruined her looks. Literally, stunning to look at and she bares it all (and I do mean all) in Crystal Heart.
As to the rest of it, well, Crystal Heart is perhaps the ultimate archetypal 1980's movie. Chock full of moussed-up hair, lots of scrunchies and loud colors where the clothing is concerned. Synth-heavy pop tunes with lyrics borrowed from Hallmark greeting cards that the movie tries to pass off as "meaningful" without an ounce of self-consciousness or irony. Couple all of this with one lovemaking scene involving the leading actors separated by plexiglass and another nude scene featuring Kitaen writhing alone on a shower floor bleeding from cut glass...oh, it needs to be seen to be believed because a mere written description doesn't do any of it justice.
The fact that, as mentioned, Crystal Heart really seems to believe it is a touching, sincere love story chock full of wisdom and heart makes it all the more enjoyable for the schlocky cinematic cheesefest it actually is. However, this also inhibits it from getting 10 out of 10 stars: the lack of self-awareness this turkey displays makes it so cringeworthily embarrassing that I had to deduct one star. While Kitaen has sadly passed away, fortunately Crystal Heart lives forever in my snarky heart. RIP, Whitesnake girl!
