Die Königin des Nordens

Oh, wait. It's this movie -- a dreary mix of revisionist history that degrades a powerful and socially progressive queen who unified Norway, Sweden and Denmark under her reign.

But here, this exceptional monarch is portrayed as a powerless victim, treated with indifference or hostility by staff, nobles, the church and an ungrateful adopted son in a shoddy script riddled with potholes, poorly played by dinner theater-quality actors. The whole mess is wrapped in a lame attempt at English-language dubbing and unusually steep streaming fees.

This waste of time could have been avoided had we seen Queen Margrete tell an alleged second son, presumed dead yet attempting to usurp her, to display a birthmark or mole that a mother would surely recognize. That conveniently missing scene actually happened in 1402, but including it here would have crushed this cinematic Danish pastry.