Dark Humour Quotes

“You will suffer, son of Hades!’
What else is new? Nico thought.”
― Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

“Being magnanimous in victory usually worked, but to keep abreast of the situation he had to 
pump the girl for all she knew. Was there a pang of remorse for his actions in his mind? 
Possibly, but what choice did he have? If he wanted to survive, he had no room for weakness.”
― Max Nowaz, The Arbitrator

“Ah! You speak Levitan,” the man smiled. “But you’re not from Levita I think.” Like
most Levitians he was a good looking man, if perhaps a bit effete for Brown’s tastes. 
“No, I lived there for a while.” 
“Did you enjoy your stay?”
“Up to a point. The Levitian women are very beautiful.”
“Yes of course. So are the men in Levita,” the man smiled. “We used to have a
cleansing programme to ensure a healthy population.”
“You mean a culling policy, where you killed all the weakest members of the
population.”
― Max Nowaz, The Arbitrator

“He looked at the silver pocketknife in his hand. An idea came to him – possibly the stupidest, craziest idea he’d had since he thought, Hey, I’ll get Percy to swim in the River Styx! He’ll love me for that!”
― Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

“He tackled a woman's baby carriage. After the seven-month-old baby skidded across the pavement and began bawling his eyes out, Bill Brady started shouting at the toddler, 'What are you, a pussy? Walk it off! Walk it off!' After the mother shouted out her baby's age and how he wasn't able to walk yet, Bill Brady started barking in the vexed mother's face like she was a referee who had made a bad call.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“I bet him and all his Guy brothers had burst through the nightclub entrance, poured an insane amount of alcohol into their systems, and snatched at anything with a pulse that wandered past their sloshed eyes. I bet after all the hoopla subsided, the demented Guys spilled out of the nightclub at some ungodly hour, intoxicated blood pumping, gallivanting around the city like foul beasts seeking their next series of exploitations.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Babcock fidgeted with one of his cufflinks while staring down the remaining brokers in his office. He then delivered something akin to a pep talk in a severe tone. "... The world depends on our services. Services that must not be impeded. We don't break our backs producing things that have no real value—food, shelter, clothes ... art. No! We're titans of finance. We move intangible things and ideas around the world on digital platforms. No one else in the world can accumulate as much wealth as we do by simply moving around one and zeros on computers.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“What a waste of trees ... that adoption author is definitely a tree killer. ... I wish trees would sprout legs and come barging through the front doors and seek revenge for their obliterated brethren by ramming themselves down his goddamn throat.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The thin how-to book belonging to Smittie had a dark and perplexing title—HOW TO COMMIT SUICIDE EFFECTIVELY EVERY TIME.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Remember! No questions. Follow my commands. There are reasons that will escape your human mind’s capacity. Just have faith. Don’t ask questions, don’t think for yourself, just have faith and do everything we tell you to do.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Until you accept that you’ll never get your problem fixed, whatever it is, you’ll be endlessly transferred from department to department until our call center closes. Sometimes you’ll be left on hold even after everyone at the call center has left for the day. Until you get exhausted with our run-around service and give up all hope, you’ll be stuck in The Circle Jerk. Right now, this very minute, you’re in The Circle Jerk, sir. Do you wish to continue circling or are you going to hang up your phone and go watch TV?”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“He hoped one of NASA’s defunct satellites would enter a decaying orbit, somehow not burn up in the atmosphere, and crash into the call center that had just kept him prisoner on the phone for several hours. He imagined all those lunatics at the call center spouting off scripted phrases and empty-headed impromptu dialogue right before being incinerated in an exploding fiery ball.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Of course I’m sure! Jesus Christ, I’m goddamn God for fuck’s sake! Now quit sniveling and jump through that goddamn glass wall forthwith or I’ll leave you with the killer clones, revoking your Chosen One status and whatnot.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“She was knitting a sweater and enjoying the calm atmosphere of her living room when her chubby, beer-drinking, sports-watching husband woke from a nap on the couch screaming, “Touchdown!” At the moment her serenity had been broken, she unconsciously reacted by swinging around and plunging a knitting needle into her husband’s throat. While blood squirted from his throat and his shocked face produced gurgling sounds, she lifted from her chair and drove the other knitting needle into his beer-ballooned stomach over and over again. Blood and beer gushed out of his belly like a punctured fish tank. As her husband gurgled and deflated, she stared down at him with a beaming smile. She had found her new hobby—annihilating assholes. She had cut up her husband into nice little pieces and used him as fertilizer for her backyard garden. Never again did her cozy house get raped by blaring sounds of sports emanating from a television set. The TV went into the garbage and the living room was converted into a tea room.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.”
― Neil deGrasse Tyson

“All I said was that I thought it was a judgement from God that Blyth had first lost his leg and then had the replacement become the instrument of his downfall. All because of the rabbits. Eric, who was going through a religious phase at the time which I suppose I was to some extent copying, thought this was a terrible thing to say; God wasn't like that. I said the one I believed in was.”
― Iain Banks, The Wasp Factory

“However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot.”
― J.G. Ballard, High-Rise

“Congratulations, Huntress. You're officially a murderer. Welcome to the club.”
― Hafsah Faizal, We Hunt the Flame

“No young woman of means has gone through her entire life without at least once surveying her opportunities and wishing for a dragon instead.”
― John Wiswell, Someone You Can Build a Nest In

“SWAT? For me?" Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under my nose.
"Tactical Support was busy. You got Dennis and Arlo," said Harry, speed-reading the papers he'd snatched from inside my jacket.
Closest his hands had been to my chest in a long time.
"Which one broke my nose?"
"That'd be Dennis.”
― Morana Blue, Gatsby's Smile

“She was damned if she was going to let a little thing like decapitation stand in the way of keeping him.”
― Jane Timm Baxter

“When she is nearby, you can throw away all the books and disconnect from the Wi-Fi because she’s like a walking encyclopaedia.”
― Anna Rajmon, ELIS

“An Apple A Day, Keeps Death Away by Stewart Stafford

Death came knocking at my door,
He said he’d come to claim my soul,
I said I wasn’t ready yet,
And asked him for an hour or so.

"Death waits for no man!" it roared,
Adding that my time was up,
The Reaper said we were leaving,
And that I was such a cheeky pup.

I asked if he'd like an apple for the trip,
And gestured to my magic tree,
"Aye," he said, reaching up,
His hand stuck to it, to my glee.

"What trick is this?" Death howled,
"Free me, I demand, this instant!"
"Lift my death sentence first," I said,
"Never! Taking life is a constant!"

"Use your other hand to free yourself."
He tried until both hands became stuck,
"Let me live, and you may go," I said,
"Agreed!" Death vanished. What good luck!

An apple a day keeps Death away,
But in the long run, you'll have to pay,
Unless you have a magic tree -
A new lease on life, briefly.

© Stewart Stafford, 2023. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“-Pablo, sos un mogólico. Te vengo a contar lo que me pasa y me salís con Borges y la concha de su madre.”
― Mariana Enríquez

“PILOTS IN A HURRY SHOULD TAKE CRASH COURSES”
― Lynn Byk, The Fearless Moral Inventory of Elsie Finch

“Did you kill that man?'

Smoothing out the skirts of the gown, I crossed my ankles. 'I believe he slipped and fell upon my blade.'

'Was it his throat that fell upon your blade?'

'Odd, right?'

'Odd, indeed.' Ezra tilted her head to the side as she stared blankly at me. 'That happens quite often around you.'

'Unfortunately,' I arched a brow at my stepsister. 'Men with careless fists should be more mindful of where they step.'

A faint smile appeared on Ezra's face. 'You know, you do frighten me a little.'

I turned to the carriage window as we rolled down the sunny street. 'I know.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

“Venom by Stewart Stafford

Thou art the Great Pudenda;
The usurper king of Puck's Fair,
Miasma ague, a goat's smear,
From a reeking jakes' baited bear!

Thou dost hurl thy feeble barbs,
Witted pits 'gainst an impregnable bard,
With dagger'd quill to etch thy epitaph,
Far-outliving thy quarrel's shard.

Toad-spawn at the gates of Hades;
Cast out from its cursed ground,
For the dunghill art thou fit,
With its foul beetles all around.

© 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“The Zombie Firetruck by Stewart Stafford

Sirens moan, grave duty's flash of red,
A mortuary whiff of something dead,
Hoses trained with brains they suck,
Your friendly neighbourhood zombie firetruck!

All that remained of the human fire team,
From the zombie pandemic of 2017,
Still in their uniforms, their only treasures,
Apocalyptic times call for end-time measures.

When they reached the fire, people did scoff,
They lurched, staggered, body parts fell off,
As they wandered around, fire hoses forlorn,
These knightly living dead faced a blazing dawn.

The chief, hat off to his skeleton crew,
In a voice once alive, now croaky like flu:
'To the hydrant, my ghouls, let's save Gothik Town,
Or they'll call Ghostbusters, we'll be the clowns!'

A glowering inferno, a cremation scene,
Zombie firefighters, brave and light green.
Through smoke and ash, they gravely stand,
Composed decomposition with skeletal hand.

Axeman Bony Ed led their clattering charge,
Into the smoke, his cadavers did barge,
The townsfolk looked on in dead of night,
And disbelief, tiredness and mild fright.

There soon followed medic Cemetery Phil,
Decaying Murphy, Old Salty, and Dead Drill,
Slab Stevens, Madly Hyde and Molly Voodoo,
Determined to shake their initial hoodoo.

A mother and baby backed by burning drapes,
Team Macabre charged up the fire escape,
Saving both and getting everyone out,
Drank Brainer Ade as they leaked like a spout.

Somehow, undead teamwork saved the day,
No lives were lost as the water sprayed,
Doused the flames, cool flatlined heroes,
Much zombie kudos, no longer scary zeroes.

The crowd cheered, did they ever doubt it?
High fives lost hands but new ones sprouted,
Frankenstein proud in their flapping flesh,
Sure to get medals at the HalloweenFest.

With a final groan and a clatter of bones,
The zombie firetruck headed back home.
Rotten yet proud, in their reanimated way,
The risen would fight fires another day.

© 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“The Penultimate Hotel by Stewart Stafford

Enter sluggishly into the lobby,
A banquet is in progress in the restaurant,
They’re regurgitating reality from within,
And then eating their young.

An apocalyptic porter has radioactive cubes in the lift,
Housekeeping will have ten thousand years of light,
But the sheets in the rooms,
Will all turn to cream cheese.

The cooks in the kitchen are breaking bones and rules,
Creating a cake that stretches to infinity,
Babel babble with protesting eggs,
All baked in a hellfire oven.

The concierge gives out tips,
And tells guests they are awful and to leave,
While simultaneously tattooing diabolical potion recipes,
Inside a willing bellhop’s eyelids.

© 2021, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“Learning never ends. Wisdom rarely descends. Such is life. Akin being married, without a wife. Then we die. Most a fool, a rare one wise.”
― Fakeer Ishavardas