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2023

[edit]

Week beginning 13/11/23

[edit]
  • BYE SUELLA!
    BYE SUELLA!
  • "Rejoice! Rejoice!"
    "Rejoice! Rejoice!"
  • BREAKING: William Pitt has been made Secretary of State for Defence
    BREAKING: William Pitt has been made Secretary of State for Defence
  • "Why isn't it ringing?"
    "Why isn't it ringing?"
  • "Y'know, I'm starting to think this Rwanda policy isn't such a great idea after all"
    "Y'know, I'm starting to think this Rwanda policy isn't such a great idea after all"

Week beginning 20/11/23

[edit]
  • Argentina elects reckless messy-haired comedy lunatic
    Argentina elects reckless messy-haired comedy lunatic
  • "... and then you sink the Belgrano"
    "... and then you sink the Belgrano"
  • "I've inherited a mess and found it quite taxing"
    "I've inherited a mess and found it quite taxing"
  • Biden insists on full candles for birthday cake
    Biden insists on full candles for birthday cake
  • "Prime Minister, I'm afraid we're going to have to stop. The SNP have just called for a ceasefire."
    "Prime Minister, I'm afraid we're going to have to stop. The SNP have just called for a ceasefire."

Week beginning 27/11/23

[edit]
  • Decaying, worn-out artefact still ruining Anglo-Greco relations ... moving on from the Conservative Party, the Elgin Marbles...
    Decaying, worn-out artefact still ruining Anglo-Greco relations ... moving on from the Conservative Party, the Elgin Marbles...
  • "Why does our country not have the marbles then, eh?" "Because it's a shithole."
    "Why does our country not have the marbles then, eh?"
    "Because it's a shithole."
  • Sunak holds a meeting of all Tory deputy chairmen
    Sunak holds a meeting of all Tory deputy chairmen
  • "The cockroach was THAT big!"
    "The cockroach was THAT big!"
  • "Then I grabbed him like this, and I said 'Mr ... eh ... Mr Tzatziki, I will NOT be giving you the er, the marvels ... no sorry, the marbles, because they are the rightful plunder of the United Kingdom of England and the Environs'. That's what I told him. Not weak, am I? Eh?"
    "Then I grabbed him like this, and I said 'Mr ... eh ... Mr Tzatziki, I will NOT be giving you the er, the marvels ... no sorry, the marbles, because they are the rightful plunder of the United Kingdom of England and the Environs'. That's what I told him. Not weak, am I? Eh?"

Week beginning 4/12/23

[edit]
  • Boris gives evidence to COVID inquiry
    Boris gives evidence to COVID inquiry
  • "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the ... err... what was it again?"
    "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
    "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
    "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
    "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
    "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
    "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the ... err... what was it again?"
  • At long last, Britain sends man to Rwanda (That joke didn't go far enough. I'm resigning. Bob)
    At long last, Britain sends man to Rwanda
    (That joke didn't go far enough. I'm resigning. Bob)
  • "Can you believe it, Akshata? £38,700? Peanuts!"
    "Can you believe it, Akshata? £38,700? Peanuts!"
  • Sad news in the US as, under Bidenomics, another small business goes bust:
    Sad news in the US as, under Bidenomics, another small business goes bust:

Week beginning 11/12/23

[edit]
  • After you Eat Out to Help Out
    After you Eat Out to Help Out
  • "What do you see?" "Another court defeat"
    "What do you see?"
    "Another court defeat"
  • "Can I count on your vote to save the Rwanda bill?"
    "Can I count on your vote to save the Rwanda bill?"
  • "Crisis on Downing Street! Mayday! Johnsonday! Trussday! SUNAKDAY!"
    "Crisis on Downing Street! Mayday! Johnsonday! Trussday! SUNAKDAY!"
  • Drakeford resigns as FM, makes slow exit
    Drakeford resigns as FM, makes slow exit

Week beginning 18/12/23

[edit]
  • Michelle Mone Moans Money Woes (Mostly)
    Michelle Mone Moans Money Woes (Mostly)
  • "Well Doug, we missed the boat." "Not this one we didn't!"
    "Well Doug, we missed the boat."
    "Not this one we didn't!"
  • <!>ERROR<!> This post has been taken down by The Rt disHon. Michelle Mone, Baroness Mone of Medpro's lawyers. If you attempt to reinstate it there will be a lawsuit, even though it's true.
    <!>ERROR<!>
    This post has been taken down by The Rt disHon. Michelle Mone, Baroness Mone of Medpro's lawyers. If you attempt to reinstate it there will be a lawsuit, even though it's true.
  • "Person living unseen for several years in the south of France makes unexpected return to Britain... hang on..."
    "Person living unseen for several years in the south of France makes unexpected return to Britain... hang on..."
  • Colorado me shocked
    Colorado me shocked

Week beginning 25/12/23

[edit]
  • Careful Rishi, I wouldn't drink that if I were you...
    Careful Rishi, I wouldn't drink that if I were you...
  • Sunak: 2024 will be election year
    Sunak: 2024 will be election year
  • "Now, where's that turkey?"
    "Now, where's that turkey?"
  • "Rishi!"
    "Rishi!"
  • The Sun on Sunday
    The Sun on Sunday

2024

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Week beginning 1/1/24

[edit]
  • "Happy new year? It's your lot's job to make sure it isn't!"
    "Happy new year? It's your lot's job to make sure it isn't!"
  • Happy new Keir
    Happy new Keir
  • As Election '24 approaches, Sunak unveils new-look cabinet to appeal to the youth vote...
    As Election '24 approaches, Sunak unveils new-look cabinet to appeal to the youth vote...
  • ...and Starmer approves new logo.
    ...and Starmer approves new logo.
  • And lastly; will he be a dictator? Trump spells it out:
    And lastly; will he be a dictator? Trump spells it out:

Week beginning 8/1/24

[edit]
[RETURN TO SENDER]
  • Paula Vennells hereby awarded the honour Commander of the British Empire
    Paula Vennells
    hereby awarded the honour
    Commander of the British Empire
  • Come at me, Keir! ... (gulp)
    Come at me, Keir! ... (gulp)
  • Macron unveils new French prime minister
    Macron unveils new French prime minister
  • And this is what's left of the Tory party...
    And this is what's left of the Tory party...
  • Waiting for the general election:
    Waiting for the general election:

Week beginning 15/1/24

[edit]
  • "And what do you do?" "Nothing."
    "And what do you do?"
    "Nothing."
  • Hey! Houthis! Leave them ships alone!
    Hey! Houthis! Leave them ships alone!
  • Parliament? What parliament?
    Parliament? What parliament?
  • "Just pretend it's Lee Anderson's face"
    "Just pretend it's Lee Anderson's face"
  • That YouGov poll in full:
    That YouGov poll in full:

Week beginning 22/1/24

[edit]
  • Scientists discover new invertebrate
    Scientists discover new invertebrate
  • Another "devastating leadership challenge" against Sunak
    Another "devastating leadership challenge" against Sunak
  • BREAKING: aristocrats speak out against Rwanda plan in Lords
    BREAKING: aristocrats speak out against Rwanda plan in Lords
  • The last thing a Houthi pirate will ever see:
    The last thing a Houthi pirate will ever see:
  • : Cameron CONSCRIPTED!
    : Cameron CONSCRIPTED!

Week beginning 29/1/24

[edit]
  • Klopp quits
    Klopp quits
  • First they came for the XL Bullies And I did not speak out Because I was not an XL Bully Then they came for the cigarettes And I did not speak out Because I was not a cigarette And then they came for the Elf Bars and Crystal Pens And by then there was no-one left To speak out for me.
    First they came for the XL Bullies
    And I did not speak out
    Because I was not an XL Bully
    Then they came for the cigarettes
    And I did not speak out
    Because I was not a cigarette
    And then they came for the Elf Bars and Crystal Pens
    And by then there was no-one left
    To speak out for me.
  • Disgraced lunatic of a former leader holds meeting with Boris Johnson
    Disgraced lunatic of a former leader holds meeting with Boris Johnson
  • Political BOMBSHELL in Northern Ireland (picture unrelated)
    Political BOMBSHELL in Northern Ireland (picture unrelated)
  • "I recognise this!"
    "I recognise this!"

Week beginning 5/2/24

[edit]
  • "I- I know! Let's call it the- (snort) POPULAR CONSERVATIVES!"
    "I- I know! Let's call it the- (snort) POPULAR CONSERVATIVES!"
  • Kwasi Kwarteng leaves Parliament for the final time:
    Kwasi Kwarteng leaves Parliament for the final time:
  • "Bet you a thousand quid you won't be re-elected"
    "Bet you a thousand quid you won't be re-elected"
  • "You're going to have to rely on the NHS"
    "You're going to have to rely on the NHS"
  • Waving goodbye
    Waving goodbye

Week beginning 12/2/24

[edit]
  • "Well Piers, I will take only 30 seconds or a minute to provide some historical context. I trust you're familiar with the story of Hengist and Horsa?"
    "Well Piers, I will take only 30 seconds or a minute to provide some historical context. I trust you're familiar with the story of Hengist and Horsa?"
  • Rochdale results read out
    Rochdale results read out
  • "Say 'squeeze'!"
    "Say 'squeeze'!"
  • Biden: "What's the name of the British king again... I'm sure it'll come to me..."
    Biden: "What's the name of the British king again... I'm sure it'll come to me..."
  • Terror in the States as man turns up for the Super Bowl—claims to have a "winning strategy"
    Terror in the States as man turns up for the Super Bowl—claims to have a "winning strategy"

Week beginning 19/2/24

[edit]
  • That new Yousaf cabinet in full:
    That new Yousaf cabinet in full:
  • No jokes
    No jokes
  • "And, you know, 354 million: that's a big number, isn't it? The largest, most beautiful number anyone's ever had to pay. We love that number, don't we folks? Don't we love it?! We love it."
    "And, you know, 354 million: that's a big number, isn't it? The largest, most beautiful number anyone's ever had to pay. We love that number, don't we folks? Don't we love it?! We love it."
  • A Conservative re-election plan emerges
    A Conservative re-election plan emerges
  • "I am calling for an immediate ceasefire in the British House of Commons."
    "I am calling for an immediate ceasefire in the British House of Commons."

Week beginning 26/2/24

[edit]
  • Downfall: woman "author of her own misfortune", judge rules
    Downfall: woman "author of her own misfortune", judge rules
  • Anderson in the doghouse
    Anderson in the doghouse
  • : Trussmania arrives in the States!
    : Trussmania arrives in the States!
  • "He's costing me much more than 30p"
    "He's costing me much more than 30p"
  • Rochdale winner gives victory speech
    Rochdale winner gives victory speech

Week beginning 4/3/24

[edit]
  • The cat that got the cream (Explanation for non-Brits. Don't watch on a full stomach. Ed.)
    The cat that got the cream
    (Explanation for non-Brits. Don't watch on a full stomach. Ed.)
  • "My government will tackle extremists head-on ... which is why, Liz, you're for the chop. 15 March. Trafalgar Square. Don't miss it."
    "My government will tackle extremists head-on ... which is why, Liz, you're for the chop. 15 March. Trafalgar Square. Don't miss it."
  • "My election odds are on par with yours."
    "My election odds are on par with yours."
  • "Yes, National Insurance? Mr Hunt will see you now."
    "Yes, National Insurance? Mr Hunt will see you now."
  • That Republican primary race in full:
    That Republican primary race in full:

Week beginning 11/3/24

[edit]
  • "Whozat running away in the distance? My golly, I don't believes it—it's Mrs May!"
    "Whozat running away in the distance? My golly, I don't believes it—it's Mrs May!"
  • Propagandaministerium releases Fathers' Day image of Reichsminister Goebbels with family
    Propagandaministerium releases Fathers' Day image of Reichsminister Goebbels with family
  • Are YOU the leader of a party on the lunatic fringe? If so, contact me at leeandersonmp@careerism.com. (30p charge)
    Are
    YOU
    the leader of a party on the lunatic fringe?
    If so, contact me at leeandersonmp@careerism.com.
    (30p charge)
  • Conservative Party campaign donor suggests Labour attack strategy
    Conservative Party campaign donor suggests Labour attack strategy
  • Biden and Trump debate for the first time:
    Biden and Trump debate for the first time:

Week beginning 18/3/24

[edit]
  • "I've Vaughan the election" "You weren't Miles ahead" "I'll be Gething Wales moving"
    "I've Vaughan the election"
    "You weren't Miles ahead"
    "I'll be Gething Wales moving"
  • Sunak unveils new foreign secretary
    Sunak unveils new foreign secretary
  • Man's lifting of eviction ban unexpectedly backfires
    Man's lifting of eviction ban unexpectedly backfires
  • Robotic model looks at the latest tech
    Robotic model looks at the latest tech
  • Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Putin, If you think we think you've won?
    Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Putin,
    If you think we think you've won?

Week beginning 25/3/24

[edit]
  • "We're all wondering who's responsible for all this division and hatred in Scotland"
    "We're all wondering who's responsible for all this division and hatred in Scotland"
  • Truss's collapse (No, not her. Ed.)
    Truss's collapse
    (No, not her. Ed.)
  • Blackpool Tower spells out Conservative by-election chances:
    Blackpool Tower spells out Conservative by-election chances:
  • History repeats
    History repeats
  • "Look—the Baltimore bridge was strong and stable. There's no doubt about that. To the people of Maryland, I say: nothing has changed!"
    "Look—the Baltimore bridge was strong and stable. There's no doubt about that. To the people of Maryland, I say: nothing has changed!"

Week beginning 1/4/24

[edit]

As controversial legislation—which some critics say "limits freedom of expression"—finally comes into effect in Scotland, we say

  • He's a jolly good fellow!
    He's a jolly good fellow!
  • Yes, he's a jolly good fellow!
    Yes, he's a jolly good fellow!
  • He's a jolly good fell-ooow!
    He's a jolly good fell-ooow!
  • And so say all of us!
    And so say all of us!
  • And so say all of us!
    And so say all of us!

Week beginning 8/4/24

[edit]
  • Man completes exhausting year-long endurance test: all without running:
    Man completes exhausting year-long endurance test: all without running:
  • Four years of Labour under Starmer
    Four years of Labour under Starmer
  • "Message from William Wragg? What could that be?"
    "Message from William Wragg? What could that be?"
  • America faces eclipse
    America faces eclipse
  • Cameron visits NHS hospital
    Cameron visits NHS hospital

Week beginning 15/4/24

[edit]
  • "HAVE. YOU. GOT. ANY. MISSILES?"
    "HAVE. YOU. GOT. ANY. MISSILES?"
  • Truss publishes memoirs of time as prime minister
    Truss publishes memoirs of time as prime minister
  • "Come on Melania, we've got a friend here with legal woes in need of help."
    "Come on Melania, we've got a friend here with legal woes in need of help."
  • : Get cracking, Liz! Only 9 years and 363 days to save the West!
    : Get cracking, Liz! Only 9 years and 363 days to save the West!
  • "I have in my hand a piece of paper..."
    "I have in my hand a piece of paper..."

Week beginning 22/4/24

[edit]
  • Come on, come on, YEEEEEESSSSS! Hang on, VAR and ... it's off. Robbed! Only out by 4 million votes...
    Come on, come on, YEEEEEESSSSS! Hang on, VAR and ... it's off. Robbed! Only out by 4 million votes...
  • "No sick days for you! Get back to work!"
    "No sick days for you! Get back to work!"
  • As the Safety of Rwanda Act waits to come into force, some activists take matters into their own hands:
    As the Safety of Rwanda Act waits to come into force, some activists take matters into their own hands:
  • "Sorry love, you're visibly from Coventry, they'll never let you ride into Manchester. It's sure to antagonise them."
    "Sorry love, you're visibly from Coventry, they'll never let you ride into Manchester. It's sure to antagonise them."
  • "Mr Lord, I hope you'll promise to be True..."
    "Mr Lord, I hope you'll promise to be True..."

Week beginning 29/4/24

[edit]
[SPECIAL GOVERNMENT COLLAPSE EDITION]
  • Former first minister meets Mark Drakeford
    Former first minister meets Mark Drakeford
  • "Onmabus an' lookin for employment"
    "Onmabus an' lookin for employment"
  • New SNP leader announced
    New SNP leader announced
  • "Better get praying mate"
    "Better get praying mate"
  • Yousaf to select exit vehicle
    Yousaf to select exit vehicle

Week beginning 6/5/24

[edit]
  • "Hello Keir..."
    "Hello Keir..."
  • "That's a disgusting thing to print in a newspaper! 500 seats!"
    "That's a disgusting thing to print in a newspaper! 500 seats!"
  • Swinney spots potential opponent
    Swinney spots potential opponent
  • "Please William, I need some election advice"
    "Please William, I need some election advice"
  • : LONDON: WRITING'S ON THE WALL FOR MAYOR
    : LONDON: WRITING'S ON THE WALL FOR MAYOR

Week beginning 13/5/24

[edit]
  • : DEARY ME! COULD THIS ALL JUST BE AN INNOCENT ACCIDENT?
    : DEARY ME! COULD THIS ALL JUST BE AN INNOCENT ACCIDENT?
  • Mixed reception to royal portrait
    Mixed reception to royal portrait
  • "Well kids, as I've said, the election will take place in—hey, what's that?!"
    "Well kids, as I've said, the election will take place in—hey, what's that?!"
  • SOUTH DEVON          IS SO BRACING
    SOUTH DEVON
             IS SO BRACING
  • And finally, we turn to New York for Trump's latest statement on his legal troubles:
    And finally, we turn to New York for Trump's latest statement on his legal troubles:

Week beginning 20/5/24

[edit]
  • "I am calling the general election"
    "I am calling the general election"
  • Gething's first two months as FM:
    Gething's first two months as FM:
  • "Watch—he's about to request dissolution"
    "Watch—he's about to request dissolution"
  • "Vaughan! Let me tell you, I sympathise with your situation. Ha ha! Hilarious how these things end up..."
    "Vaughan! Let me tell you, I sympathise with your situation. Ha ha! Hilarious how these things end up..."
  • Iran unleashes final drone strike
    Iran unleashes final drone strike

Week beginning 27/5/24

[edit]
  • Troop inspection
    Troop inspection
  • "Y'know Angela, I'll be getting a second house fairly soon"
    "Y'know Angela, I'll be getting a second house fairly soon"
  • Sunak hires new comms team
    Sunak hires new comms team
  • "MY MESSAGE TO KEIR STARMER IS VERY SIMPLE: Blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby."
    "MY MESSAGE TO KEIR STARMER IS VERY SIMPLE:
    Blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby."
  • "Yep, completely screwed"
    "Yep, completely screwed"

Week beginning 3/6/24

[edit]
  • King Charles dissolves Parliament
    King Charles dissolves Parliament
  • "I didn't know Dad believed in God" "Once every five years he does"
    "I didn't know Dad believed in God"
    "Once every five years he does"
  • "Judas!"
    "Judas!"
  • Conviction politician
    Conviction politician
  • "I've got more confidence in me than everyone else put together! So there!"
    "I've got more confidence in me than everyone else put together! So there!"

Week beginning 10/6/24

[edit]
  • "Ah! Lunchtime. Must be off."
    "Ah! Lunchtime. Must be off."
  • ITV scheduling another debate
    ITV scheduling another debate
  • The Lib Dems arrive in Downing Street
    The Lib Dems arrive in Downing Street
  • "Psst. Chaz."
    "Psst. Chaz."
  • Stephen Flynn arrives at the seven-way debates
    Stephen Flynn arrives at the seven-way debates

Week beginning 17/6/24

[edit]
  • "Going soon?"
    "Going soon?"
  • "100 quid on England, please."
    "100 quid on England, please."
  • "WESTMINSTER! How dare you rob Scotland of its rightful victory over Germany..."
    "WESTMINSTER! How dare you rob Scotland of its rightful victory over Germany..."
  • Election night: 21:59...
    Election night: 21:59...
  • ...and 22:00
    ...and 22:00

Week beginning 24/6/24

[edit]
  • "Hmm, 2/1, 5/2, 10/1..."
    "Hmm, 2/1, 5/2, 10/1..."
  • New lectern unveiled for Trump–Biden debate
    New lectern unveiled for Trump–Biden debate
  • "Hello there! Can I rely on you to vote Sinn Féin?"[n 1]
    "Hello there! Can I rely on you to vote Sinn Féin?"[n 1]
  • Live scenes from CCHQ:
    Live scenes from CCHQ:
  • "And now we turn to an undecided voter to ask the party leaders a question"
    "And now we turn to an undecided voter to ask the party leaders a question"
  1. ^ For a full list of the candidates standing in this constituency, see Edinburgh North and Leith § General election 2024

Week beginning 1/7/24

[edit]
[HISTORIC SOUVENIR EDITION]
  • A new dawn for Britain
    A new dawn for Britain
  • "I just want to find 700 votes"
    "I just want to find 700 votes"
  • "Happy, Keir?" "You'll have to ask Rachel Reeves."
    "Happy, Keir?"
    "You'll have to ask Rachel Reeves."
  • Swinney sends message to Labour voters
    Swinney sends message to Labour voters
  • "Right, where's that green card?"
    "Right, where's that green card?"

Week beginning 8/7/24

[edit]
  • "That's not how you do it, Emmanuel"
    "That's not how you do it, Emmanuel"
  • "I'm not the source either, Vaughan"
    "I'm not the source either, Vaughan"
  • "It's pronounced 'KEE-r STAR-mer', Joe"
    "It's pronounced 'KEE-r STAR-mer', Joe"
  • "I'm not being dragged out of Europe against my will, John"
    "I'm not being dragged out of Europe against my will, John"
  • "You're too left-wing to lead them, Giorgia"
    "You're too left-wing to lead them, Giorgia"

Week beginning 15/7/24

[edit]
  • "I quit"
    "I quit"
  • "I quit"
    "I quit"
  • "I quit"
    "I quit"
  • "I quit"
    "I quit"
  • "Now, let me say this..."
    "Now, let me say this..."

Week beginning 22/7/24

[edit]
  • "Lost my seat. Still, new job at CrowdStrike. Here goes nothing..."
    "Lost my seat. Still, new job at CrowdStrike. Here goes nothing..."
  • "Pull out? What does that mean?"
    "Pull out? What does that mean?"
  • "It's curtains"
    "It's curtains"
  • "My career prospects are shot"
    "My career prospects are shot"
  • "Look Vaughan, it's your legacy"
    "Look Vaughan, it's your legacy"

Week beginning 29/7/24

[edit]
  • Introduction to the private school VAT
    Introduction to the private school VAT
  • "Not now. I've a plane ticket to Tehran. Laying a wreath for an old friend."
    "Not now. I've a plane ticket to Tehran. Laying a wreath for an old friend."
  • Boris unveils new book
    Boris unveils new book
  • "And you know, Kamala isn't the colour she pretends to be... very very disgraceful."
    "And you know, Kamala isn't the colour she pretends to be... very very disgraceful."
  • Braverman thanks leadership allies
    Braverman thanks leadership allies

Week beginning 5/8/24

[edit]
  • Starmer picks holiday destination to escape riots
    Starmer picks holiday destination to escape riots
  • "Shouldn't you be resigning by now?"
    "Shouldn't you be resigning by now?"
  • Musk condemns world leader, cites racial bias
    Musk condemns world leader, cites racial bias
  • "I'm not going! I have my convictions!"
    "I'm not going! I have my convictions!"
  • "Sorry, I thought this was the lunatic Fringe"
    "Sorry, I thought this was the lunatic Fringe"

Week beginning 12/8/24

[edit]
  • NORTHALLERTON, North Yorkshire: Winchester student wakes up to bitter set of figures
    NORTHALLERTON, North Yorkshire: Winchester student wakes up to bitter set of figures
  • "No, thank you, Mr Musk"
    "No, thank you, Mr Musk"
  • Results day at the Met
    Results day at the Met
  • "We will always support your embattled, war-torn country." "Thank you, Mr President."
    "We will always support your embattled, war-torn country."
    "Thank you, Mr President."
  • Corbyn set to form new parliamentary party
    Corbyn set to form new parliamentary party

Week beginning 19/8/24

[edit]
  • Sunak to give free conference passes to ex-Conservative MPs
    Sunak to give free conference passes to ex-Conservative MPs
  • SNP membership falls to three
    SNP membership falls to three
  • Budget Day: Reeves sets off for Parliament
    Budget Day: Reeves sets off for Parliament
  • May en route for first day in Lords
    May en route for first day in Lords
  • Blue moon seen from Earth (In other news, Nigel Farage seen in Clacton)
    Blue moon seen from Earth
    (In other news, Nigel Farage seen in Clacton)

Week beginning 26/8/24

[edit]
  • "Now, when I said 'pro-growth'..."
    "Now, when I said 'pro-growth'..."
  • "No thanks, I want to win"
    "No thanks, I want to win"
  • Oasis reunite
    Oasis reunite
  • "Don't worry: I can see Keir Starmer coming"
    "Don't worry: I can see Keir Starmer coming"
  • "No, just pub gardens"
    "No, just pub gardens"

Week beginning 2/9/24

[edit]
  • "That's good strong in several categories."
    "That's good strong in several categories."
  • "Sorry, this is the biggest one we could provide"
    "Sorry, this is the biggest one we could provide"
  • "I would like to thank you all for voting for me..."
    "I would like to thank you all for voting for me..."
  • "Honestly, I'll take anyone"
    "Honestly, I'll take anyone"
  • In Downing Street, preparations finish for the Prime Minister's surprise birthday party
    In Downing Street, preparations finish for the Prime Minister's surprise birthday party

Week beginning 9/9/24

[edit]
  • Reeves faces cold meeting
    Reeves faces cold meeting
  • "Comebacks, eh...?"
    "Comebacks, eh...?"
  • "All I am doing is extending to the entire NHS the benefits I can can give you for a generation or more. I am going to Starmer-ise you."
    "All I am doing is extending to the entire NHS the benefits I can can give you for a generation or more. I am going to Starmer-ise you."
  • Haitian immigrants prepare for dinner in Ohio
    Haitian immigrants prepare for dinner in Ohio
  • Industrial devolution
    Industrial devolution

Week beginning 16/9/24

[edit]
  • "Here's a replacement, Jeremy"
    "Here's a replacement, Jeremy"
  • Reeves to redecorate Number 11 with all-women portraits
    Reeves to redecorate Number 11 with all-women portraits
  • "Yes! A pay rise! Time to party..."
    "Yes! A pay rise! Time to party..."
  • Indyref 10 years on: Salmond goes on media tour
    Indyref 10 years on: Salmond goes on media tour
  • "No need for the gunpowder, Mr Fawkes... I see the Independent Alliance are about to take their seats."
    "No need for the gunpowder, Mr Fawkes... I see the Independent Alliance are about to take their seats."

Week beginning 23/9/24

[edit]
  • "Hello, President Trump"
    "Hello, President Trump"
  • Downing Street: she's Cummings for you
    Downing Street: she's Cummings for you
  • "Good evening, Mr Bond"
    "Good evening, Mr Bond"
  • Truss speaks two years after mini-budget
    Truss speaks two years after mini-budget
  • "You're a rich man, aren't you, Mr Sunak?"
    "You're a rich man, aren't you, Mr Sunak?"

Week beginning 30/9/24

[edit]
  • "Next up next up the Indian Ocean Territory, whaddwillya gimme..."
    "Next up next up the Indian Ocean Territory, whaddwillya gimme..."
  • Seen leaving Islington North
    Seen leaving Islington North
  • Hezbollah "precision missiles" backfire
    Hezbollah "precision missiles" backfire
  • Tory contenders
    Tory contenders
  • "I'm about to go ballistic"
    "I'm about to go ballistic"

Week beginning 7/10/24

[edit]
  • Sue Gray resigns
    Sue Gray resigns
  • "Now James, let me give you some advice..."
    "Now James, let me give you some advice..."
  • : "Vote-lending! Vote-le-e-ending! Give your vote to Jenrick! Everything must go!"
    : "Vote-lending! Vote-le-e-ending! Give your vote to Jenrick! Everything must go!"
  • And Shapps: what might he be writing...?
    And Shapps: what might he be writing...?
  • Ah.
    Ah.

Week beginning 14/10/24

[edit]
  • "Thomas Tuchel?"
    "Thomas Tuchel?"
  • "And what does that say?"
    "And what does that say?"
  • Starmer to fly to CHOGM 2024
    Starmer to fly to CHOGM 2024
  • "What? A new position's opened up?"
    "What? A new position's opened up?"
  • "Cor, is that Alex Salmond?"
    "Cor, is that Alex Salmond?"

Week beginning 21/10/24

[edit]
  • "Can we send them all away to campaign for Kamala Harris?"
    "Can we send them all away to campaign for Kamala Harris?"
  • Yahya Sinwar killed in British hospital
    Yahya Sinwar killed in British hospital
  • "Labour activists! Labour activists!"
    "Labour activists! Labour activists!"
  • "I promise not to strain diplomatic relations any further. Anyway: here I am, slaving away..."
    "I promise not to strain diplomatic relations any further. Anyway: here I am, slaving away..."
  • "What do you mean we're banning vapes?"
    "What do you mean we're banning vapes?"

Week beginning 28/10/24

[edit]
  • "I really need your help" "Don't worry, Mrs Vice-President"
    "I really need your help"
    "Don't worry, Mrs Vice-President"
  • "Trick or treat?"
    "Trick or treat?"
  • Increase in the minimum rage
    Increase in the minimum rage
  • "Sorry Katie... it's bad news."
    "Sorry Katie... it's bad news."
  • "Eugh... a bit of Puerto Rico has washed up on our beach."
    "Eugh... a bit of Puerto Rico has washed up on our beach."

Week beginning 4/11/24

[edit]
  • "Now, I am going to sugarcoat this..."
    "Now, I am going to sugarcoat this..."
  • Jenrick loses: lashes out
    Jenrick loses: lashes out
  • "And Mike, if anybody says owt to you in t'street..."
    "And Mike, if anybody says owt to you in t'street..."
  • Trump sweeps swing states: Harris loses popular vote
    Trump sweeps swing states: Harris loses popular vote
  • Trump: Now I have a massive man date
    Trump: Now I have a massive man date

Week beginning 11/11/24

[edit]
  • "I still support my left-wing partners in the coalition, and will continue to stand firmly behind any red bloc"
    "I still support my left-wing partners in the coalition, and will continue to stand firmly behind any red bloc"
  • "Prime Minister, any comment on the Archbishop of Cante-" "What miserable drones and traitors have I nourished and promoted in my household, who let their lord be treated with such shameful contempt by a low-born clerk!"
    "Prime Minister, any comment on the Archbishop of Cante-"
    "What miserable drones and traitors have I nourished and promoted in my household, who let their lord be treated with such shameful contempt by a low-born clerk!"
  • Trump picks defence secretary
    Trump picks defence secretary
  • "With this Channel 4 interview, and this tepid Starmer comment, I will strike you down, Archbishop..."
    "With this Channel 4 interview, and this tepid Starmer comment, I will strike you down, Archbishop..."
  • "Underperforming NHS manager? You're fired."
    "Underperforming NHS manager? You're fired."

Week beginning 18/11/24

[edit]
PEASANTS' REVOLT
  • "I am today announcing the removal of the exemption on inheritance tax on agricultural properties worth ≥£1 million"
    "I am today announcing the removal of the exemption on inheritance tax on agricultural properties worth ≥£1 million"
  • Rachel Reeve oppresses the serfs
    Rachel Reeve oppresses the serfs
  • "My name is Nigel Farage, and together we will march on the capital"
    "My name is Nigel Farage, and together we will march on the capital"
  • Archbishop removed: peasants angry at chancellor
    Archbishop removed: peasants angry at chancellor
  • Victoria Derbyshire brutalises Jeremy Clarkson
    Victoria Derbyshire brutalises Jeremy Clarkson

Week beginning 25/11/24

[edit]
  • Richmond MP becomes chancellor
    Richmond MP becomes chancellor
  • "We are announcing that this toxic, negative conflict will soon come to an end"
    "We are announcing that this toxic, negative conflict will soon come to an end"
  • "Opposing blasphemy laws? It isn't worth the Batley, honestly."
    "Opposing blasphemy laws? It isn't worth the Batley, honestly."
  • Davey speaks out against assisted suicide
    Davey speaks out against assisted suicide
  • "Yes, migration policy... erm... four... carry the one... take away the doowhat... multiply the thingamajig... divide by two... six... err..."
    "Yes, migration policy... erm... four... carry the one... take away the doowhat... multiply the thingamajig... divide by two... six... err..."
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