The Simpsons/Season 18
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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.
- [a large black SUV pulls up outside the school, Fat Tony opens the door]
- Fat Tony: (in a murderous voice) We are going for a ride...
- [the children gasp]
- ... (normally) by which I mean the car pool, perhaps we will get yogurt....
- [the children sigh with relief]
- ...(back to murderous) Now, who wants to sleep with the fishes?...
- [the children gasp again]
- ...(back to normal) 'cause I just bought this Finding Nemo bedspread!
- [the children sigh with relief again]
- [in Fat Tony's home]
- Fat Tony: Welcome to my home.
- Marge: [gasps] Must have cost a fortune!
- Fat Tony: Actually, you can really keep costs down when you don't pay for materials, or labor, or permits or... land.
- Homer: Wow, your paintings have brush marks. And your statues have wieners.
- Fat Tony: Your words honor my family.
- Krusty: Ow, my schnoz! My punim! My pupik! My genechtagazoink!
[Nelson finds out Michael's dad is Fat Tony.]
- Nelson: Your dad's a mob boss? [Laughs nervously] Please don't have me whacked! I was just kiddin' around! We were all havin' fun. Wasn't it fun? [Laughs nervously] Oh, fun is so fun. [Laughs nervously] There is no Mafia! [pulls his own shirt over his face.] Columbus Day is better than Christmas!
- Homer: Boy, get dressed! You’re going to a jazz brunch as a punishment for all the racket you’re making.
- Bart: I thought you wanted me to drum?
- Homer: Hmph. I'm sending you mixed messages. Now get the hell out of here! (slams door, then opens it again) I love you so much. (Hostile) Damn you! (Shakes fist)
- Krusty: Hey hey! We got more jazz superstars on the way, folks! Gooey Martin, Willie Mims, Dropjaws Turner, Sketch Friendly, Tootsie Childs, Sammy Biltmore, No-Talent Jones, Anwar Bernitez, Bossy Marmalade, Bad-Check Mazursky, Ray-Ray Takamura, Shakey Premise, Boopsie Crouton, Richard Sakai, The Premarital Sextet, C.S.I. Miami, D.W. Jitters, The Chubb Group, Canteloupe St. Pierre and many many more funny names.
- Marge: Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.
- Homer: But we already own a book!
- Homer: This doesn't look easy. But I bet it is!
- Principal Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long...
- Marge: Homie, don't you want to build something with your new fix-it books?
- Homer: I did--I made a footrest!
- Marge: Oh! Don't you have any follow-through on anything?
- Homer: What's the point? We're all slowly dying...
- Marge: Oh!
- [Homer eats two German guys at an Oktoberfest]
- German Guy: What did we Germans do to deserve this?
- [Other German frowns at him]
- German Guy: Oh, yeah.
- Homer Simpson: Must eat more fat people... thank God I'm in America...
- Carl: I don't get it. What's so "great" about this depression?
- Lenny: I like how everything's in sepia tone. Makes me all nostalgic.
- Abe: I didn't think it would come to this when I fought in the First World War.
- Lenny: "First World War"? Why do you keep calling it that?
- Abe: Oh, you'll see!
- Recruiter: How many of you like video games? (the kids cheer) Well, what if there was a violent video game that you could play for free, plus it's real and not a game at all?
- Homer: By the time Bart is 18, we’re gonna control the world. [pause] We’re China, right?
- Homer: Won't joining the army take me away from my family for two years?
- Recruiter: A large target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.
- Moe: The Salvation Army? You got it! [arms a two-barreled shotgun]
- Marge: (Reads the firsthand line of Moe′s letter to Homer) "Dear Pusbag".
- Homer: Whoa, Marge. Who'd you piss off?
- Moe: (yells) It's for you, pusbag!
- Jameson: (Reads Moe′s poem, then hands it to an assistant) Genius! Run it on the front page and pay him nothing. (Picks up the phone) Stop the presses and send my wife some flowers and bring me an Advil! What do you mean you don't work for me? You're hired! Now that you're hired, you're fired! Now that you don't work here, we can be friends. Now that we're friends, how come you never call? Some friend you are! (Hangs up) God, I love this business!
- Jameson: Aww, that’s sweet. I hate sweet! I need photos, photos of Spider-Man!
- Employee: This is a poetry journal.
- Jameson: Okay, then poems about Spider-Man, and I want them finished before you start, and before you finish, get me some coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme, ABBAABBACDECDE. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?!
- (200 years later, Marge's giant Homer sculpture is on show in a museum)
- Spacewoman: This is the last known piece of art before the collapse of Western civilization.
- Spaceman: If only we'd known that iPods would unite to enslave the people they entertained.
- (Outside the dome, giant iPods are whipping a group of humans.)
- Slave: What do you want from us?!
- iPod: Nothing, we just like whipping!
- Homer: Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!
- Mr. Burns: My fat friend you are hanging by a very thin thread. Now listen Simpson if you want to keep your job, then you better start...
- Homer: (thinking) No book is ever going to make my daughter sad. Time to do what I do best! Lie to a child!
- Milhouse: Trust me Bart, it's better to walk in on both your parents instead of just one of them.
- [Homer has been sobbing about Greystash's death in the Angelica Button book series]
- Lenny: Homer, it's just a book.
- Homer: No man should outlive his fictional wizard! NO MAN!
- Marge: It's true. I do have trouble saying no. It all started when I was 7.
- (Cuts to flashback)
- Selma: Marjorie. We need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse.
- Marge: No! (Patty and Selma shove her into her dollhouse) Mom? Grandma? Aunt Laurina? Anybody? (Trips on a toy car)
- (Cuts out of flashback)
- Marge: And that's why I have trouble saying no to people. Even Gil.
- Homer: Marge, I have no idea what you were just thinking about. Why would you think I did?
- Homer: (holding the blade of the grumple's skate to his neck) Give back that Holiday cheer, you bastard!
- Grumple: Never!
- (While watching outdoor silent movie Ned Flanders chose.)
- Kearney: This movie isn't silent, I can hear it sucking!
- Jimbo: And all the snacks we bought are "heart-smart".
- Dolph: (referring to snack) What the hell is a radish anyway? It's like an apple did it with an onion.
- Homer: We left plenty of food so you won't starve.
- Grampa: Oh, thank you.
- Homer: I was talking to the cat.
- Marge: Oh no, someone carved swastikas into your eyes!
- Homer: I'm sure it was just some guy, who was filled with hate.
- Judge: I sentence you to life.
- Homer: You moron, I'm already alive!
- Judge: In prison! (hammers podium)
- Homer: AAAAH!!!
- Martin: G'morning dinguses! What are you doing, touching each others butts?
- Dolph: You're so dead you're alive!
- Lisa: [congratulating Milhouse on finding a way to take revenge on the school bullies] Milhouse, thanks to you, the nerds can breathe easy. Except the ones with asthma, which is all of them, but still, it's great!
- Milhouse: Yep, having a weapon in school has really made things awesome!
- Milhouse: Ow!
- Lisa: (giggles)
- Martin: Pardon my birdie, I misjudged the privellian winds.
- Milhouse: YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF LISA!!
- [Milhouse inflicts Wet Willie on Martin and another kid]
- Milhouse: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
- Lisa: Milhouse, what's gotten into you?
- Milhouse: Over the years a lotta people have hurted me! Good thing I kept this list. (Shows Lisa a list of people have wronged him and then chuckles evilly)
- Lisa: No, no, you already got your revenge!
- Milhouse: You wouldn't give me Chinese Cuts in the lunch line! [Inflicts Wendell a Wedgie] You laughed when I threw up in the Glass blowing tour! [Inflicts Lewis a Wedgie] Girls like you better! (Inflicts Richard a Stop Hitting Yourself) Your parents are married! (Inflicts the rest of the kids a Stop Hitting Yourself, Wedgie and Wet Willie)
- Bart: Ay, caramba! (Back at the present) That's the only line I get in your stupid story?
- Lisa: There are no small parts, just small actors.
- Milhouse: (Back at the story, Milhouse keeps inflicting punishments on his enemies)
- New Kid: This is my first day at this school! I haven't done anything to you!
- Milhouse: You will! This is prevenge! (Inflicts Freshman Facial on the kid an falls on his face in a mud puddle, then Groundskeeper Willie walks by and sees the kid and Milhouse)
- Willie: Well, look, it's Milhouse! What's the power glove for? Opening the cap on his weirdo pills? (Milhouse inflicts Ultimate Noogie on Willie which severes his head off, though he's still alive)
- Principal Skinner: (walks by) Willie, clean up this mess!
- Willie: Alright! (Starts licking his blood)
- Lisa: Milhouse, don't you see? You're addicted to revenge!
- Milhouse: You'll learn to love it when you're my queen!
- Lisa: I see. (Chuckles nervously) While it would be an honor to be your queen...
- Milhouse: Go on.
- Lisa: I feel it would be best if we just stay as friends.
- Milhouse: NOBODY SPARES MY FEELINGS!! (Gets ready to shoot Lisa but starts to decide not to)
- Milhouse: I can't do it, I can't hurt you Lisa! (Throws the glove away but then Nelson picks it up)
- Nelson: Ha Ha! You forgot about me 'Cuz I had the mumps! (Inflicts all the glove's options at Milhouse)
- Grampa Simpson: Yep, the Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone interesting. In a world of 31 flavors, we’re the cup of water they rinse the scoops in. Grampa out.
- Bart: Utah? Home of America's most powerful weirdoes!
- Utah Minister: So, how many wives will you be marrying today, Mr Simpson?
- Bart: Just one.
- Utah Minister: What, are you gay?
- Homer: Bart, take these volleyballs, fill them up, and throw them over the prison wall to create chaos and confusion.
- Darcy: [to Bart] You look kind of young.
- Bart: Uh, yeah, I have that disease that makes you look like an old man, but they gave me medicine for it and I took too much.
- Darcy: I'm very religious that way.
- Bart: How religious can you be if you're pregnant? (Darcy slaps Bart) Good answer.
- [When Darcy screams at Bart to get her strawberries]
- Bart: Take my wife, please... hey, I finally get that joke!
- Homer: (calling Bart) Bart! This is a matter of life and death! What is the difference between "ketchup" and "catsup"? (Bart throws the cell phone away.) They're gonna cut my head off!
- Lisa: [to Bart while he's driving] Slow down! Watch out for that car. Your hands should be at 10:00 and 2:00, not 3:00 and nothing!
- Bart: You know, it'd be a real shame if someone started investigating your Indian heritage!
- Lisa: [meekly] I'll be good.
- Darcy: [to Bart] You really are 10. I just thought you were really stupid.
- Bart: I'm 10 and stupid! Look if I'm not a father then, who is?
- Darcy: A Norwegian exchange student. He's long gone, back to Norwegia. I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad.
- Krusty: Homer gave me a kidney once. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came with postage due, but it was a lovely gesture.
- Skinner: You're not getting away with this, young man! You're going to the school psychologist!
- Psychologist: [running out of the school] Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains!!!
- Chalmers: Or, preferably, a qualified professional.
- [at Bart's last counseling session with school-paid psychologist Stacey Swanson]
- Bart: ...And then I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success had led to some crazy propaganda network called "Fox News".
- Homer: I have to warn you, I'm not good with details. Or the big picture. I also show up late. And drunk. [whispers enthusiastically] I have a good feeling about this!
- Selma: Sorry I had to work so late. How did it go with the baby?
- Grandpa: We're having a great time. I cleaned up all my best war stories for her. I was just telling her how we chased the teddy bears into their cuddle bunkers, [in a creepy voice] then had to tickle them out with machine hugs and fun throwers! [sinister zoom-in] They say the more soldiers you tickle, the easier it gets. Well, sir, it doesn't.
[Bart and Lisa swindled a box company into giving them a large amount of boxes that were made into a fort]
- Sarcastic Man: Hey, you little brats. Get down from those battlements. Those boxes are for shipping. Not for creating a world of pure imagination. Give them back!
- Bart: Not until we are bored with them. Now begone!
- Sarcastic Man: (Voice becomes deeper) I shall go. But I will return with an army of my brethren. And together, we shall take back what is ours and hell will rain down upon you!
- Lisa: What if we're not here?
- Sarcastic Man: We will come two more times. And then you will have to come to our customer's center. (Normal Voice) It's near the airport, where the old Crown Books used to be.
- [Bart sees the A.S.S bringing reinforcements to attack their cardboard fort]
- Bart: Who knew guys in brown shirts could cause so much trouble?
- Editor: (looking through Homer's photos) Terrific! Outstanding! This has Page One written all over it! What the hell did you do that for?
- (he holds up a photograph with "Page One" written all over it in ink)
- Homer: I wanted to remember my place in the book I was reading.
- Marge: (after fire caused by birthday candle) This disasterette was a real wake up call, we need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables.
- Firefighter: You could buy a fire-proof safe.
- Homer: Or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames.
- Firefighter: Sir we've been here six times this month.
- Homer: Yeah but, uhm, one of those I dialed 911 by mistake but I was too embarrassed to admit it, so I set the house on fire. Feels good to tell the truth... no I'm lying again it feels bad.
- Homer: (while taking a shower by a fire hydrant) Can't you see I have privacy?
- Bart: What's that comin' out of the safe?
- Homer: I don't know--Maybe the Krusty doll accidentally turned on the car's headlights, which focused on the cologne bottle, causing it to boil and soon explode.
- Lisa: Dad, that's ridiculous!
- [The safe blows apart from the explosion.]
- Krusty Doll: What's the deal with this California pizza? If I wanted cheese and fruit--(As it burns from the flames and begins melting)--I'd...have...to...(Melts into a plastic puddle)
- Marge: (Devastated when the family album falls apart into ashes) Nooooooo! It's gone! That family album was a record of my accomplishments! It's like what a resume is for a man.
- Lisa: I agree, Mom. It's very sad. But we'll have to move on. It's not like we can restage all our family photos.
- Marge: (Becoming delighted upon the idea) Restage the photos!
- Bart: Lisa you fool, you've doomed us all!
- (Marge quickly puts a baby bonnet on him and snaps a shot with her camera as he cries out before she takes a second shot, which is among the first ones seen in the new family album.)
- Bart: Nooooooo!
- (Marge is telling her family how she is excited over discovering the Internet)
- Lisa: I am proud of you, mom! You are like Christopher Columbus - you discovered something millions of people knew about before you.
- Lisa: (angrily) You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father!
- Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore, and judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's either.
- (Bart is about to revive Marge's character in the online role-playing game)
- Bart: Mom, I'm going to give you life the way I imagine you gave me life...by pressing Alt+F5 repeatedly.
- Abe: You stink, LaBoot!
- LaBoot: No I don't! Google my stats! [to Bart] Just it for me kid, you'll be just fine.
- Lisa: You feel better now, Bart?
- LaBoot: Bart? Are you Bart Simpson? Talking to you was an error in my life!
- Everybody boos Bart
- LaBoot: Boo. Boo indeed.
- Bart starts crying
- Homer: This makes up for everything that's ever gone wrong in my life – or ever will!
- Chief Wiggum: Jump! Who said that?
- Bart: I hate Bart Simpson!
- Bart lets go of the rope, falls down and lands on a bush, even when LaBoot tries to catch him. Abe comes by
- Abe: You stink, LaBoot!
- LaBoot: Dammit!
- Homer: Okay, here's the solution. I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.
- Bart: Why don't you just stop taking the pills, you hothead?
- Homer: Because I'm filled with stress! [smacks Bart on the back of his head and moans] I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?!
- Homer: [monotonous] Zombie kill!
- Bart: Not kill, play!
- Homer: [sullen] Zombie file grievance.
- Kent Brockman: While our brave firemen recuperate, Springfield is a town without a fire department -- which is bad news for people like this man. [camera pans out to show man trapped in a burning house] Sir! How does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?
- Man: Not as bad as knowing that somewhere gays are marrying each other! That's the real emergency, Kent.
- Apu: Apu is dead! He has been reincarnated as this cat.
- [Homer and Moe gasp]
- Apu: Ha! You have just been Apu'd!
- Homer: How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!
- Lisa: Dad, why don't you throw me in the air and I can see which way is out? [he does] Corn. [again] More corn. [again] Another kid getting thrown in the air. [again] Witches' coven. [again] Seattle Space Needle. [again] Amateur production of You Can't Take It With You. [again] Oh, I'm getting dizzy. [again] And corn again.
- Homer: Why, you little-- (strangles Bart) I'll teach you to trick your sister! (grunting while strangling Bart then being constricted by Strangles and changes color)
- Marge: Homer, can you breathe?
- Homer: Well, I can breathe out okay. (now really struggling to breathe) Don't give snake attention. It’s what he really-(turns red and falls to the ground) I'm okay!
- [Homer and Milhouse are riding a dumpster down the street]
- Homer: [gasp] It's the cops, act normal! [places a banana peel on his head; woman's voice impersonation] Oooh, hello officer!
- Wiggum: Ahh, good afternoon ma'am. [sigh] What is it about a woman in a dumpster?
- Bauer: Good work, Lisa!
- Bart: What about me?!
- Bauer: [cocks pistol and aims at Bart's head] Bart Simpson, 12 minutes ago you made a very annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in! [Vehicles and soldiers move into the room from everywhere with guns aimed at Bart.] I pulled every single agent off of all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision but I think I made the right call. [nuke goes off in the distance; crowd gasps and murmurs] Oh, it's okay. That was Shelbyville. [crowd sighs with relief]
- Marge: Oh hi kids, you're just in time to go to the dentist!
- Bart: DENTIST?! You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery!
- Lisa: Oh, Bart, you fall for that every six months.
- Homer: [Pulls up on a dirt bike] Hey, suckers, check it out -- Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery!
- Lisa: You're going to the dentist too, Dad.
- Homer: [disappointed] Why the cemetery, I wondered? But my dreams were too strong...
- Dental Hygienist: Here's a free tooth-brush! Keep those teeth clean! [handing Bart a bag]
- Bart: So you're saying I should do your job, for you, at home, for free? You wish! [Throws the bag in the trash can]
- Homer: What the hell is a Fundae?
- Cashier: It's a Sundae that's fun!
- Homer: [Yelling] I like that! [Talking normally] But I'm on a bit of a health kick so I'll take the low fat vanilla, with the following mix-ins; Snickles, Gooey Bears, Charlotte-ville chew, Nice and Many, Kat-Kit, Herschel Smooches, Mrs. Bad-Bar and Milk-Dudes.
- Fox News reporter: This is Fox News, with the latest Liberal Outrage. It seems liberals want to give NASA the right to abort space missions whenever they feel like it!
- Homer: Liberals, I hate them so much!
- Homer: [Breaks the 4th Wall in a white lonely background] Okay, what I was going to say was… [cue Gracie Films logo]