Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny is a 2006 fantasy-rock film starring Jack Black and Kyle Gass, both of whom form the rock band Tenacious D. This film concerns their initial meeting in Los Angeles where they form the "greatest rockband of all time," and eventually learn of a legendary pick which was formed from the tooth of the Devil.

Directed by Liam Lynch. Written by Liam Lynch, Jack Black and Kyle Gass.

• Are you ready to write a fucking master piece cause I sure the fuck am!
• Oh the dragons balls were blazing as I stepped into its cave and I sliced his fucking cockles with a long and shiny blade twas I who fucked the dragon fuck-a-lye sing fuck-a-loo and if you try to fuck with me then I shall fuck you too!
• Yeah it was awesome, compared to bullshit! Compared to the greats! Compared with fucking Beethoven!
• Not a word unless its a fucking masterpiece!!!
• I totally miss the fucked up things you do.

• I was just following the code.
• Give me one cock pushup. The cock is a muscle. You've got to learn how to flex it.
• Uh, we're just regular guys, you know. We're just, flesh, and bone.
• I'm in the air-vent, dude. Dude, I totally missed you.
• When you can snatch this remote from my hand, then you can choose the channels we watch.
• That's right, run! Unless you want some more of this! Yeah! Grrr!

• You two bozos don't even realize, you've just stumbled upon the darkest secret in the history of rock. I actually saw it once, I used to be a guitar tech, and the lead guitarist comes on, holding this weird looking thing, with horns on, made of green ivory or some shit. He starts shredding licks way beyond his capabilities. Like shit it had to be coming from somewhere else. It was the Pick, it wasn't him. He didn't know what he had, though. So at the end of the show he just flicks it back into the audience. Some kid catches it. Kid named Eddie van Halen. So I started researching it. I quit my job, moved to Rome, learned Latin. I came to the trust of the senior librarian at the Vatican, he called himself Signore Papadillo - He led me into some shit you wouldn't believe. You see this: It's an ancient scroll, all in Latin. I translated it. Took me six years. Turns out this thing goes deeper than you can imagine. Way deeper. Back to the Dark ages. See this: Long ago, a dark wizard used his power to conjure up Satan himself! Satanos - That's Latin for Satan. A horrific battle of violence ensued, but the ancient demon was far too powerful. Luckily, a blacksmith heard the Beast's roars. The Devil was drawn back into the fires of Hell, and the dark wizard was totally stoked to be alive. With a long draw of his hash pipe, the wizard sought a way to repay the blacksmith. The blacksmith loved a fair maiden, but in order to gain her affection, he would need a true master's skill to leave her moist and wanting. The dark wizard fashioned the demon's tooth into a pick, enabling the blacksmith to play the most masterful of melodies on his lute - Thereby winning the heart of the maiden he loved. The secret of the Pick died with that blacksmith, but then, poof, all of a sudden, it reappears back in the American South, at the turn of the century, in Robert Johnson's fingers, and spawns the birth of the blues, and rock 'n roll. The Pick is a tiny part of the Beast, and so it has supranatural qualities, a whole other level above super.

• I am complete! Yes you are fucked, shit out of luck, now I'm complete and my cock you will suck! This world will be mine, and you're first in line, you bought me the Pick and now you shall both die!
• Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, the Demon Code prevents me, from declining a rock-off challenge... What, are your terms, what's the ca-aatch??
• I'm the Devil, I love metal! Check this riff it's fuckin' tasty!!!!
• I can't wait to take Kage back to Hell! I'm gonna fill him with my hot demon gel, - I'll make him squeel like my scarlet pimpernell!

(Opening verse)

Narrator: (Jack Black) (A long-ass fucking time ago, in a town called Kickapoo, there lived a humble family, religious through and through, but yeah, there was a black sheep, and he knew just what to do - His name was young J.B. and he refused to step in line; a vision he could see of; fucking rockin' all the time - he wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align!)

[Jables meets Kyle]

Jables: Yeah! Yeah! Dude, that was like, the best thing I have ever seen! Who are you?

Kyle: The name's Kyle Gass.

Jables: Kyle Gass!!!! Dude, would you just teach me that one note where you were like -

Kyle: Dude, I'm not giving freakin' guitar lessons here today. Why don't you just stand over there?

Jables: Right over here? Yeah, dude you're awesome!

[Jables is confronted by Clockwork Orange thugs]

Thug 1: Why, what do we have here, my little snowballs?

Thug 2: I spy a stinkin' filthy babes! Snivelling poo-hoo-hooo, like a wee baby! Heh heh heh!

Thug 3: Actually, he does look like a fuckin' baby. [Thug 1 punches him with cane] Aw, aw, wee baby.

Jables: Listen fellas, I don't want a fight, so if you'd just - [Thugs poke him on the nose and lift him off his feet] Aaaaahhhhh!

[Kyle just happens to be walking by and sees the commotion. He sees a thug hold something small into the air]

Jables: Hey give that back, that's my special guitar pick!

[Kyle realizes it is his pick that the thug is holding]

[KG has gone off to chat with some extremely underage teen girls]

Jables: Fucking dick-squeezer!

[A strange-looking tramp dressed in a long dark coat, carrying a crutch, limps up to Jables and sits down dramatically and painfully in the chair next to him, knocking over a glass as he does so. Jables looks weirdly at him]

The Stranger: Hi.

Jables: Hi...

The Stranger: So... [swipes at a fly] What brings you to this neck of the woods?

Jables: What?

The Stranger: Let's just say... you don't seem like "rock 'n roll" types to me.

Jables: Well, we're not, we're just two businessmen going to see some shit in Sacramento, sorry.

The Stranger: Yes... yes. It's just... I couldn't help noticing... the guitars... in the back of your car. [Steals leafleft about Rock 'n Roll Museum when Jables turns his head]

Jables: Sorry, we're not, we're just businessmen, we sell guitars, so what, end of story, check please!

The Stranger: [Examines leaflet, Jables has scrawled Break in here on it] So... how are you planning... on breaking into the Rock 'n Roll History Museum?

[Jables falls painfully into the air shaft]

Jables: Damn, that was all KG's fault! If he'd been here we wouldn't have messed up we would've got in nice and quiet. But now he's going to come back and be like "Can I be in your band now?" and I'll be like "No way cockshagger."

KG: It's KG can you hear me?

Jables: Yea, yea I can hear you loud and clear. You're saying bros before hos, but that's now what I wrote, asshole!

KG: I'm here

Jables: [notices a guard walking in the room right underneath him] Listen, I can't really talk right now shut up!

KG: I'm in the air-vent, dude.

[they both look at each other in an awkward moment]

KG: Dude, I totally missed you.

Jables: Me too.

[the floor beneath them suddenly gives way and the air-vent crashes down onto the floor of the museum. With them in it]

[The Mic Host announces Tenacious D]

Mic Host: Since the beginning of Time, 'twas written in the stones that one day a band would come. Well now, that band has come, and they are here to come again... In your ear-pussies. Ladies and gentlemen, Tenacious D.

[At their first concert]

Jables: So whassup, we're Tenacious D, and this is like our first concert ever, so it's pretty historical!

The Stranger: I had it, the Pick of Destiny, I had it clutched in my fingers. But then I tripped, set off a laser, a security door came down on my leg. I would break in again, if I still had my leg. Ooh man, ooh, I do miss that sweet-ass leg of mine.

Jables: Why're you telling me this?

The Stranger: Because I like you! I see that sparkle in your eye which I once had. Here, let me show you something. (Slides paper under toilet door) This will help you, I promise you. These two air ducts on the roof. Speak of this to no-one!

[The Mic Host sighs, picks up the Pick of Destiny. His eyes gleam with delight as he looks eerily round before revealing his true form as Satan.]

Jables: Dude, I figured out, we can still use the Pick - I use it in one hand and you can use it in the other, its still compatible - Whaaa? Where is that Pick?

[both look up and see a gigantic fiery Satan resplendent in his evil glory]

Jables and KG: [jumping in fear] Ah!

[Satan reattaches the Pick and returns to full power]

Satan: [singing] I am complete!

Jables and KG: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Satan: Yes you are fucked, shit out of luck, now I'm complete and my cock you will suck! This world will be mine, and you're first in line, you bought me the Pick and now you shall both die!

[luckily, JB jumps in]

JB: Waaait! Waaait! Waaaait, you motherfucker! We challenge you to a rock-off! [Satan sighs] Give us one chance to rock your socks off...

[silence]

Satan: Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuck! The Demon Code prevents me, from declining a rock-off challenge, what are your terms, what's the ca-aaa-atch?

Jables: If we win, you must take your sorry ass back to Hell! And also, you will have to pay our reee-eent.

Satan: And if I win?

Jables: [not thinking straight] Then you can take Kage back to Hell.

Kage: What?

Jables: Trust me Kage, its the only way.

Kage: What the fuck are you talking about?

Jables: To be your little bitch!

Satan: Fine! Let the rock-off begin! Mwahahahaha! [heavy metal music plays] I'm the Devil, I love metal! Check this riff, it's fucking tasty! (shreds guitar) I'm the Devil, I can do what I want, whatever I've got I'm gonna flaunt, there's never been a rock-off that I've ever lost! I can't wait to take Kage back to Hell, I'm gonna fill him with my hot demon gel, I'll make him squeal like my Scarlet Pimpernel!

[Satan shows torture and sex instruments causing JB to yell:]

JB: NOOOOOOOO!!! C'mon, Kage, let's fight his music, with our music.

Kage: There's just no way we can win, that was a masterpiece.

JB: Listen to me!

Kage: He rocks too hard because he's not a mortal man!

JB: Goddamnit Kage! He's gonna make you his sex slave! You're gonna gargle mayonnaise!

Kage: Ohhh!

JB: Unless we bust this massive monster mamma-jam!

Kage: Dude, we've been through so much shit.

JB: Deactivating lasers with my dick!

JB and Kage: Now it's time to blow this fucker down!

JB: Come on, Kage, now it's time to blow doors down!

Kage: I hear you, Jables, now it's time to blow doors down!

JB: Light up the stage, 'cause it's time for the showdown!

Kage: We'll bend you over, then we'll take you to brown town!

JB and Kage: Now we've got to blow this fucker down!

Kage: He's gonna rape me if we do not blow doors down!

JB: Come on, Kage, 'cause it's time to blow doors down!

Kage: Oooh, we'll piledrive ya, it's time for the smackdown!

JB: Hey Antichrister, Beelzeboss! We know your weakness, our Rock-it Sauce! We rock the Casbah, and blow your mind, we will defeat you, for all mankind! You hold the Sceptre, we hold the Key, you are the Devil, we are the D!

JB and Kage: We are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, we are the D, WE ARE THE D!

[music ends]

Satan: You guys are fucking lame! Come on, Kage, you're coming with me!! Taste my lightning, fucker! [shoots a lightning bolt towards Kage]

JB: Nooo!!! [JB's guitar deflects the lightning, and it hits to Satan's horns]

Satan: Ow! Fuck, my fucking horn! [JB holds his horn; and shocked] Oh no!

JB: From whence you came, you shall remain, until you are complete again!

[a portal to Hell opens]

Satan: Noooooo! [holds on to the ground, avoiding the portal] Fuck you, Kage, and fuck you, Jables! I'LL GET YOU, TENACIOUS D!!!!!

[Satan gets into the portal, and it closes. JB and Kage then looking each other, being shocked by what they saw while they realize that they've won the challenge, and then walks away.]

[Jables and Kyle're being chased by cops in a chase Kyle started]

Jables & KG: [singing] Car Chase City, that's the name of the game, it was all groovy, now it's totally lame! KG really fucking, blew a synapse, Now we're fucking headed for a total collapse! Car Chase City, run away from the Fuzz! Thought that we wasn't but we totally was! Car Chase City, now we're off the map! Car Chase City, Now I'm takin' a crap! Now it's getting hairy, so we're changing the key Never underestimate, the power of the D! KG fucking put his foot on the gas If we go to prison, shove the Pick up my ass! Fuck this shit, it's gone too far! KG pull over let me out of the car, Car Chase City, now we're taking the lane! KG blew it, now we're going insane!!!! Let's rock, let's roll, let me fill up your hole, Let's rock, let's roll, Car Chase City patrol! Picks, speed, turbo, oh, argh, gas, brakes, Spinning donuts, so spinning donuts, roll, flip it, gas, nitro, go!

• Rock music
• Blues
• Tenacious D
• Robert Johnson

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Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny