Girls (TV series)

Girls (2012–2017) is a television series on HBO created by Lena Dunham which premiered on April 15, 2012. The series revolves around the lives of four girls in their mid-20s, Hannah (Lena Dunham), Marnie (Allison Williams), Jessa (Jemima Kirke), and Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet).

Hannah Horvath: [to her parents] I don't want to freak you out, but I think that I may be the voice of my generation. Or at least, a voice of a generation.

---

Hannah: Didn't you say that texting was the lowest form of communication on the pillar of chat?

Marine: The totem of chat. No, the lowest, that would be Facebook, following by gchat, then texting, then email, then phone. Face to face is of course ideal, but it's not of this time.

Hannah: I have a very bad fear of AIDS.

Gynecologist: Have you known someone with AIDS?

Hannah: It's more of a Forrest Gump based fear. That's what Robin Wright Penn's character died of.

---

Marnie: I was just thinking, I've been sexually irresponsible enough in my life thus far that I should have gotten pregnant by now and I never have. Like, I get my period at the same time, on the same day, of every monthly cycle, my entire life, like it's never strayed from that.

Hannah: Then you're really lucky. I never know when I'm going to get my period and it's always a surprise and that's why all my underwear are covered in weird stains.

Hannah: I'm just worried that if we see each other we're going to end up having sex.

Shoshanna: Well, like, that's OK because you both already have HPV.

Hannah: God, that's a really good point.

---

Elijah: I'm my authentic self. I am being my authentic self.

Hannah: If you had been this gay in college, I would have known because I have two eyeballs, two ears..."

Elijah: You might want to take some steps back through your other boyfriends, and not for nothing, maybe take a look at your dad.

Hannah: You didn't just...?

Elijah: I did.

Hannah: In what way does my father read gay to you?

Elijah: Ah, well, he has a stud in his ear.

Hannah: He got it on a trip he took with his male friends... I heard what that sounded like, I know what that sounded like. You know what I'm going to do from now on, ask people if they're gay before I have sex with them.

Elijah: Good luck with that.

Adam (to Hannah): What do you want?

Hannah: I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, and thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.

---

Shoshanna: I'm like the least virginy virgin ever.

---

Jessa: You know what the weirdest part about having a job is? You have to be there everyday, even on the days you don't feel like it.

Hannah: Okay I don't wanna split hairs here, but it's not a journal, it's a notebook. It's notes for a book.

Ray: I don't like it when you assfucked my best friend in the heart.

---

Marnie: What are you like in love with him?

---

Ray: More than you are!

Hannah Horvath: [to herself] You are from New York, therefore you are just naturally interesting. Okay? It is not up to you to fill all of the pauses. You are not in danger of mortifying yourself. The worst stuff that you say, sounds better than the best stuff that some other people say.

Hannah: Why is everyone struggling in New York? Why don't we all just move here and start the revolution?

Jessa: [to Shoshanna] Are you alright?

Shoshanna: I think so, I'm really, really high, like out of my mind high, I smoked some pot in line to the bathroom which is so dirty - do not go in there unless it's an emerg - with these guys in line to the bathroom and they gave me some pot out of a pipe - but it was this stem - it was stem, it was a stem.

Ray: [to Jessa] I don't think she's high on marijuana. [to Shoshanna] Was it a crack stem?

Shoshanna : No.

Ray: Did you smoke crack? Little white rocks?

Shoshanna : No! It was a glass cigarette and I'm high and my ears feel like popping, do you ears feel like popping?

Jessa Johansson: Look at me - you smoked crack. You smoked some crack.

Shoshanna : [pause] Oh my God, don't tell my mom. Don't even tell me. I matriculated from NYU and I just smoked crack, what's going to happen?

Jessa : You're going to be fine. crack can be really fun, under the right circumstances, and it only lasts a little while and I'll take care of you. I will be your crack spirit guide.

Marnie (to Charlie): All I ever wanted for you was to find satisfaction outside of our relationship.

Shoshanna: I could massage your groin in a non-sexual way.

Jessa: You look... really gorgeous. I love you all stripped down.

Marnie: I've never been as miserable in my life.

Jessa: It's totally working.

---

Marnie: That isn't fun for me, being the uptight girl. I hate it.

---

[In Thomas-John's apartment]

Thomas-John: [To Marnie] Has anyone ever told you you look like a young Brooke Shields?

Marnie: Actually, yeah. Thank you.

Thomas-John: You're welcome. [to Jessa] And you... Julie Christie.

Jessa: [looking decidedly uncomfortable] Good reference.

Thomas-John: [running his hand over her stomach] Equal in beauty -

Jessa: [sitting up abruptly] Okay, that's our cue to go. Thank you so much.

Marnie: No, wait, we don't - we don't have to go.

Jessa: I think we have outstayed our welcome.

Thomas-John: No.

Jessa: It's, um... Th-thank you so much, you've been so -

[Marnie takes hold of her head, turns it rounds to face her and kisses her on the mouth. Jessa is startled by this, and kisses her again. They start making out]

Thomas-John: Just follow your instincts, Brooke...

[thinking they are initiating a threesome, he tries twice to get involved, but each time, Jessa stops him. Eventually, he tries to grab Marnie's breast, causing her to flinch and knock a glass over, spilling wine on his rug]

Thomas-John: Are you fucking serious? This is... a 10,000 dollar rug! This is a very fucking expensive rug! If you're gonna spill stuff on it, you gotta look more sorry than that!

Marnie: I'm sorry.

Jessa: She's sorry.

Thomas-John: [going into his kitchen to get something to clean up] You know what? If you were really sorry, you'd be planning to make this a very special night, for all of us. Not just you and fucking Missy Malone! All of us! No more excluding me, Mary Poppins! It's not fair! I wanna be part of the group!

Jessa: That... will never happen.

Jessa: I was only attracted to him for, like, several minutes when I first met him, but I'm attracted to everyone when I first meet them. And then it wore off. It always wears off.

---

Jessa Johansson: Your boyfriend should kill himself. You deserve it.

Adam Driver: Holding on to toxic relationships is what keeps us from growing.

---

Hannah (to Marnie): You don't have a plan.

Marnie: I think maybe that's a good thing for me.

---

Shoshanna: Everyone's a dumb whore.

Marnie: I had a bad breakup. It's okay I think we're gonna be able stay friends you know, but I'm not gonna do what Hannah does and order six pizzas to make myself feel better.

---

Elijah (to Hannah): I'm sorry I have a boner. It's not for you.

---

Shoshanna: I may be deflowered, but I am not devalued.

Jessa: All that matters are that your rising signs are compatible, the sex is decent and he supports you creatively.

---

Shoshanna: What's better than bathing a pig?

---

Hannah: I know I always said he was murdery in a sexy way, but maybe he's murdery in a murder way.

Hannah: It's a Wednesday night baby and I'm alive!

---

Elijah: We're just all living in Hannah's world! And it's all Hannah, Hannah, Hannah all the time.

---

Hannah: I'm planning on writing an article that exposes all my vulnerabilities to the entire internet.

Shoshanna: What's a butt plug?

---

Jessa: Oooh, I hate when people are early. It's so vile.

---

Hannah: There are certain people who are meant to remain in your past. I made a mistake trying to repurpose you.

Hannah: Please don't tell anyone this, but I wanna be happy.

Shoshanna: Okay, seriously, I cannot believe I have a friend who signed a book deal. It's so adult and intriguing.

---

Jessa: This book doesn't matter, that's the first thing you need to know. It's not gonna matter to the people who read it or to you.

---

Hannah (to Jessa): You are so mean when you're depressed.

Hannah: And I'm starving because all you have to eat in your house is your pet rabbit and I'm an undiagnosed hypoglycemic. Then we come into this graveyard and I feel like we're in "Hocus Pocus" and Thora Birch is gonna come and wear her little hat.

---

Hannah: It's like my worst nightmare as a kid, being the last one to be picked up from like school or some social event. Then all these adults know about your sad home life and your irresponsible parents.

Ray (to Marnie): Turn this potential energy into kinetic energy.

---

Marnie: You know who ends up living their dreams? Sad messes like Charlie.

Natalia: I'm ready to have sex now.

---

Shoshanna: I'm socializing. I'm sorry if that's not working for you, my social butterflyness.

---

Shoshanna (to Charlie): Okay, I don't want this to be awkward, but like you look amazing. Like seriously, you could have sex with like any girl at this party including me. Oh my God.

Hannah: You're here.

Adam: Well, I was always here.

---

Shoshanna: I can't be surrounded by your negativity while I'm trying to grow into a fully formed woman. You hate everything!

Shoshanna: Basically it’s been a very sexually adventurous time for me. I’m alternating nights of freedom with nights of academic focus. So at the end of my senior year, I will have had both experiences while also still being super well prepared for the professional world.

---

Adam: I don’t hate your friends. I’m just not interested in anything they have to say.

Hannah: I’m not interested in anything they have to say! That’s not the point of friendship.

---

Hannah: I feel like I hold the keys to the prison that is my mind.

---

Adam (to Marnie): Really knowing someone is something else. It’s a completely different thing and when it happens you won’t be able to miss it. You will be aware. And you won’t hurt or be afraid. Okay?

Shoshanna: Adam, you’re like so dementedly helpful.

---

Shoshanna: My friend Rachel is fully addicted to blueberry Red Bull and she always tells me she hasn’t had one and she tells like with a blue tongue.

---

Marnie: Since when is Jessa even a drug addict?

Hannah: She’s really just a life addict.

Hannah: You should feel very confident because I am a lot better at this when I'm not in the middle of an Obsessive Compulsive Meltdown.

---

Shoshanna: It's really amazing that all three of you have accomplished so little in the four years since college.

Marnie: Fancy people want to work with me, so I’m gonna give them that pleasure and I’m gonna go work with them. So fuck you both, have a nice day, enjoy the rest of the video.

---

Shoshanna: I feel like my bandana collection is like my most developed collection.

Jessa: This is a space cigarette invented by Stephen Dorff. It's just water vapor and good things like that.

---

Hannah: It's just crazy that you don't know the depth of someone's power until their funeral. It's so sad.

---

Shoshanna: My recent hijinks have really taken a toll on my GPA!

Hannah: Yeah, but I wouldn't call this a corporate job. I mean it's GQ Magazine. It's a literary institution.

---

Jessa: Oh, that's amazing. It's really hard for a jew to gain respect in sports.

Marnie: Guys, we're so disconnected. I thought this would just be a nice opportunity for us to have fun together and prove to everyone via Instagram that we could still have fun as a group.

---

Marnie: Where's Jessa? Did she not even show?

Hannah: No, she just insists on sitting in the back of the bus for political reasons.

---

Hannah: You're seriously mad I let everyone stay for dinner? Oh, my God. Wait, time-out.

Shoshanna: That was dinner?

Elijah: Okay, you know what? Let's just Google Map a Domino's. That's fun.

Marnie: We're in the North Fork, Boo. They don't have Domino's.

Hannah: Dinner was supposed to be our time for honesty. And I'm really sorry, you guys. This is not about you. This is between us, but then you invited the cast of "Magic Mike." Marnie, I don't feel like being honest.

Shoshanna: Why not? Being honest is fun.

Hannah: What are you talking about, Shosh?

Shoshanna: I'm talking about the fact that you're a fucking narcissist. Seriously, I have never met anyone else who thinks their own life is so fucking fascinating. I wanted to fall asleep in my own vomit all day listening to you talk about how you bruise more easily than other people.

Hannah: Are you serious?

Shoshanna: Mm-hmm.

Hannah: Okay, well, people have been calling me a narcissist since I was three, so it doesn't really upset me. You've gotta choose something more creative.

Marnie: Yeah, it really has no effect on you.

Hannah: Now you. So we're untabling our issues, then?

Marnie: I wanted to do this at dinner.

Shoshanna: Oh, my God. Can you chill the fuck out about dinner? Seriously, that duck tasted like a used condom and I want to forget about it.

Hannah: Shosh has gone totally insane.

Jessa: I don't know. Maybe she's gone sane.

Shoshanna: You guys never listen to me. You treat me like I'm a fucking cab driver. Seriously, you have entire conversations in front of me like I am invisible. And sometimes I wonder if my social anxiety is holding me back from meeting the people who would actually be right for me instead of a bunch of fucking whiny nothings as friends.

Hannah: Well, maybe Shosh has a point. I mean, it's not like the four of us have had any real fun together in the last, what, two years?

Marnie: That is not true.

Hannah: Name one fun thing.

Marnie: This trip, if we had done anything I planned.

Hannah: Oh, my God!

Jessa: Hey, Marnie. You know, I think you should process what you just said because, you know, happiness is about appreciating what you have.

Hannah: Yes.

Shoshanna: What is that, like, some AA bullshit? Seriously, Jessa goes to rehab for five fucking seconds and we have to listen to everything she comes up with.

Jessa: Shosh, you're a cruel drunk.

Hannah: It's crazy. She's a cruel drunk and she's also not an intellectual.

Jessa: Actually, she is. I'm gonna stick up for Shosh on this one and say that I have seen her read the newspaper on her phone.

Hannah: Then why, when I'm around her, do I feel like my brain is gonna atrophy? I would call you a little unstimulating.

Shoshanna: "Unstimulating"? What, are we in, like, a fucking Jane Austen novel? What, do I want to be like you? Like, mentally ill and miserable?

Marnie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, when did we start with all of this name-calling, guys?

Hannah: We didn't start with the name-calling. Shosh started with the name-calling.

Shoshanna: Um, I did not start with the name-calling. I started with your fucking honesty idea, miss tan legs.

Hannah: I've never talked to you that way.

Shoshanna: You are tortured by self-doubt and fear, and it is not pleasant to be around.

Marnie: That is really fucking mean.

Hannah: That is mean.

Marnie: It is really mean, what you just said, Shoshanna. I'm sorry my heart was fucking broken after Charlie dumped me.

Hannah: Well, we would have no way of knowing that because the only issues you ever talk about are your issues with me. Seriously, we've known each other for almost eight years. I've been on this planet for 25, and I'm not showing any signs of changing.

Marnie: Look, all you've ever done is talk about the fact that you are changing, that you want to change, self-improvement, all that bullshit. So I get on board with it and thus all you've done for the past couple of years is disappoint me.

Hannah: Well, then maybe you should lower your expectations.

Marnie: I can't lower them any further.

Hannah: Well, maybe you should try what I do, which is I don't expect anything from any of you.

Shoshanna: I'm so fucking sick of all of you.

Hannah: I really miss my boyfriend. Who asks me for nothing, so I give him everything.

Hannah: This is how much money I make a week? This is a lot more than my rent. This is insane, I'm just gonna like walk into a store in the Meatpacking district and make it rain!

---

Hannah (about Adam): I'd say in some ways he's the most mature person I've ever met and in other ways he's not yet been born.

Adam: The only thing I remember about my grandma is that she had rough skin and spit a lot.

Hannah: My grandma's very neat and she had skin like a kitten's ear.

---

Grandma Flo (to Hannah): Wow you look nice, what did you do?

Hannah: Oh, I gained fifteen pounds.

Shoshanna (to Jessa): You look like a junkie.

Jessa: I am a junkie.

---

Hannah: What drama? This is just me?

Adam: Exactly.

---

Adam: It smells like Marnie's. It smells like cookies and air freshener.

Shoshanna: I mean like Adam's about to be on Broadway, Marnie's clearly about to be a pop star and I don't know, you were supposed to be the famous artist in this group and now you're just working in advertising.

---

Hannah: Am I seriously the only one of us who prides herself on being a truly authentic person?

Hannah: It's made me want to find a hole in the world, in the shape of me and just fill it up.

---

Hannah (to Adam): I know that this is complicated, but I also know that we can work it out.

Adam: Well, I'm sick of trying to work it out. Can't one thing ever be easy with you?

---

Marnie: If you're here to tell me what a bad person I am, I don't wanna hear it. Seriously I know and no, I have not told Shoshanna yet but I will and I fucking know I have to do it. And I know that I need to have more respect for the emotional property of other women and I know that I use sex for validation because it's what I do.

[Marnie and Desi are in their apartment]

Desi: What are you staring at me about?

Marnie: What do you mean?

Desi: You're staring at me.

Marnie: I'm staring at you? You're playing aggressive guitar at me.

Desi: There's nothing aggressive about that. It's a ballad.

Marnie: Okay.

Desi: I think it's weird you haven't said anything since noon.

Marnie: Well, we're in a fight, so I don't want to talk to you.

Desi: Well...

Marnie: That's kind of the definition of fighting.

Desi: That's kind of the definition of cold.

Marnie: No, I'm not cold, I'm mad.

Desi: Yeah. So you can't even let me know that you're... that you're here with me? You can't even connect?

Marnie: No, I don't... I don't want to connect. I want space. Well, I don't want space. I love you. See, Desi, that's a major part of the problem. That you don't seem to care at all about what I want.

Desi: Oh, I don't care what you want?

Marnie: Yeah, you don't care.

Desi: Would you prefer that I just pretend nothing's wrong with me? And stop feeling all of my feelings and... and hug you and fuck you and tell you how amazing you are and how much I love you?

Marnie: That sounds really positive to me.

Desi: I think that'd make you happy, too.

Marnie: Oh, Jesus.

Desi: No.

Marnie: Whoa.

Desi: You know you just recoiled from my touch?

Marnie: I didn't.

Desi: You recoiled from my touch like I'm a monster.

Marnie: Oh, my God. You know something? In all the months that we courted, I never dreamed that you could be this cruel.

Desi: Cruel?

Marnie: Yeah.

Desi: Oh, are you fucking serious? Cruel? I don't want to go get a scone with you this morning and now I'm cruel? Oh, boy. You're... you've got to be kidding me. I want to fucking die.

Marnie: No, you don't. You don't want to die.

Desi: Yes I do, I wanna fucking kill myself. You don't want to kill yourself, either. You are far too narcissistic to kill yourself.

Desi: Open your heart to me. Bella, open your heart to me now! Stop.

Marnie: It's fucking open!

Desi: Bella!

---

[Marnie is walking along street and she initially glances at four men and then glances again and realises it's Charlie looking at her]

Rips: What I tell you? She's coming. How you doing? Nice to meet you. Baby, dang. Damn, girl, I know exactly how to work you out.

Friend: Hey.

Marnie: Hi.

Charlie: She was looking at me.

Rips: Shit. Yo, you know her?

Charlie: Yeah, I know her. I'll be right back.

Rips: Where you going, man?

Charlie: Marnie? Marnie. Marnie. Hey.

Marnie: Hi.

Charlie: Look, I know it's weird. Just talk to me, okay?

Marnie: I'm married.

Charlie: Oh, great. That's fucking great. Yeah. Yeah, see, just tell me w-w-what's up with you. That's great, that's great.

Marnie: I'm late getting where I'm going.

Charlie: Hey. So, wait, y-you got married?

Marnie: Yeah.

Charlie: That's beautiful. Really, that's fucking beautiful.

Marnie: It was beautiful. I mean, it was pouring and my dad wasn't there, but...

Charlie: Aw, shit. Well, who walked you down the aisle?

Marnie: My uncle.

Charlie: Bob or Ron?

Marnie: You remember Bob and Ron?

Charlie: Yeah, of course I do. Bob's a fuckin' G.

Marnie: Well, it was Ron. Okay, yeah, I mean, Ron, he's less of a G. He's an exterminator. That's... that's the opposite. So, what happened to your business?

Charlie: Which one?

Marnie: Business? The app?

Charlie: Oh, "Which one?" That shit. Um, yeah, that wasn't really for me. You know, that life. It started becoming about what we're ordering for lunch and who we ate it with. It was bullshit.

Marnie: So, did Parvesh and Jake buy you out?

Charlie: No, no, no, some weird legal shit went down and I got nothing, you know.

Marnie: But onward and upwards, right?

Charlie: Yeah, I guess.

Rips: Hold the fuck up, man.

Charlie: What? What? I told you I was talking to a friend.

Rips: Que pasando?

Charlie: All right, man, but you're gonna do that thing tonight, right?

Rips: Yes.

Charlie: So just make sure you get enough cash to cover you for the next few weeks, a'ight?

Rips: Yo, I don't need this explained to me. I know what to do.

Friend: He's got it, he's got it. Here you go, brother. All right?

Friend: I got it.

Rips: Charlie, introduce.

Charlie: No, Rips, I'm not fucking introducing you. And don't just say "introduce," like, one word.

Marnie: Rips?

Rips: Hello.

Marnie: Your name is Rips? What, are you from "West Side Story"?

Rips: And that would make you my Maria. Oh, yeah, I'd love to solve a problem like a Maria.

Marnie: Ew. That's not even the right reference.

Rips: Oh.

Rips: All right. We out of here, bro.

Charlie: Hey, appreciate it. Take care.

Rips: Hey, hey, hey. You got it. All right. I got it. I got you. Be good. All right.

Charlie: Bye, friend. Bye, friend.

Marnie: Bye, guys.

Rips: Let's go, let's go, let's go

Friend 1: Nice meeting you.

Friend 2: Very nice meeting you.

Marnie: Nice to meet you, too, Rips.

Charlie: Sorry.

Marnie: You, um... you talk differently.

Charlie: I tal- what do you mean?

Marnie: You have an accent that you didn't have before. You talk differently.

Charlie: No. Nah, you just don't remember me right.

Marnie: "Ri"? I don't remember you "ri"?

Charlie: Hey, do you want to come with me someplace?

Marnie: Where?

Charlie: We'll go someplace.

Marnie: Like, what place, though?

Charlie: It's a party. It's uptown. And there will be free champagne and a lot of it. Champagne for my real friends... Real pain for my sham friends.

Marnie: Wait, are you serious?

Charlie: Yeah.

Marnie: Why would I want to go with you anywhere? You know I literally haven't heard from you since you told me you never loved me and that I was "a spoiled brat whose life would never amount to being anything other than someone's wife."

Charlie: That's an exact quote.

Marnie: Right. And guess what? I am someone's wife. But I also have a fucking life, so you were completely wrong about me. You're a fucking piece of shit.

Charlie: All right, Marnie, you know...

Marnie: No, no, no, seriously, Charlie, you're a POS.

Charlie: All right.

Marnie: And, yeah, I might've been an asshole to you when I was all of, what, 22 years old. Everyone's an asshole when they're 22 years old. Then you came along and you beat me in the asshole contest. Big time. You beat the shit out of me.

Charlie: All right. Well, I apologize for that, but I was kind of going through a pretty fucked-up time. My, ah, my dad... my dad died.

Marnie: What?

Charlie: He killed himself, actually. He hung himself.

Marnie: Holy shit.

Charlie: Yeah.

Marnie: I didn't know that. I'm so sorry. No, you know, I'm sorry. That's all I can really say is "I'm sorry."

Charlie: But, listen, do you... do you want to come with... just come with me to this party. It'll be harmless. We'll catch up. Please.

Marnie: Okay.

Charlie: Yeah? Okay. All right, good. I'm happy. We got to get you a dress, though.

Marnie: All right.

---

[Marnie and Charlie are shopping in a dress store]

Charlie: Marnie.

Marnie: Yeah?

Charlie: Try these on. Try those on.

Marnie: Oh, my God, I can't try all these on.

Charlie: Yes, you can. I'm just giving you options, baby, you know what I mean? I'm just giving you options. I'm just giving you more and more options. Okay. Hey. Hey, do you, ah, do you have a bathroom I can use? I'm gonna buy stuff. I just need to use the bathroom.

Store clerk: Oh, yeah, there's a burrito place next door. You just have to, like, buy a soda or something.

Marnie: Oh, okay.

Charlie: Uh, Marnie, I'll be right back!

Store clerk: Okay. That dress looks really pretty on you.

Marnie: Oh, thank you so much. I feel like a Bob Mackie Barbie doll.

Store clerk: Oh, no, that's 100% the look. That's what people come in here wanting.

Marnie: That guy's my ex-boyfriend. I haven't seen him in literally almost two years until just now. Or like, just before right now. He left without any explanation, and now I'm married to, like, an entirely different man who's also my musical partner.

Store clerk: Cool.

Marnie: I know you might be wondering, like, how does someone fit that much action into such a short amount of time. Yes, I am only 25 and a half years old.

Charlie: That's no, that seems right. But somehow I've managed to live so much. I feel like I'm looking out the eyes of a woman at hands that have touched and have been touched. Does that make any sense? Whoa, oh. Hey, oh, my God. You look great.

Marnie: Yeah? Are you sure? I don't know.

Charlie: That's perfect, yeah. No, you look awesome. All right, let's do this. Yeah? How much is it?

Marnie: What? I need heels and stuff like that.

Charlie: Doesn't matter. No, no, no, you're good. They're waiting on us!

---

[Charlie has brought Marnie to a party at an upscale hotel]

Marnie: What are you doing? What are we doing here?

Charlie: I just have a friend who asked me to swing by.

Marnie: What kind of friend? Everyone here is 150 years old.

Charlie: Just wait here a second, okay?

Marnie: No way.

Charlie: Just wait one second.

Marnie: No fucking way. I'm not standing here alone in this dress.

Charlie: All right. Suit yourself, come on. Brian, hello.

Brian: Hello, sir.

Charlie: Brian, this is my fiancée, Masha.

Brian:Masha, it's a pleasure.

Charlie: Uh, will you ladies excuse us for just a moment?

Masha: Of course, Brian. He buying cocaine for us to have party.

Brian: Yeah, I can see that. Out of curiosity, how old are you?

Marnie: 25 and half.

Brian: Makes sense.

Masha: Okay, uh, I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick, okay?

Brian: What's your name, darling?

Marnie: I'm Magita. Magita Perez.

Brian:Well, Magita, what would you say if I asked you to join Masha and me later upstairs? Masha? Me?

Masha: Is Brian the person I should talk to negotiate that?

Marnie: No, no, I'll handle it. I'm, uh, 300 cash, up front.

Brian:Room 1206. We'll be there by 10:30.

Marnie: Sounds good, except there's a $200 fee if I'm going above the tenth floor. I'm afraid of heights. And a hundred-dollar gown rental fee. Unless you want me to wear my jeans.

Brian:See you in an hour.

Marnie: Looking forward to it.

[Marnie and Desi finish having sex]

Marnie: I'm a fucking monster!

...

Hannah: So, Marnie's been fucking Desi for a full two weeks. Ray has no idea and thinks he's just in a regular in-love couple. And Marnie says that Desi cries every time they say hell or goodbye to each other, and now she and Desi are seriously considering trying anal.

Elijah: He’s not getting anything up Marnie’s ass!

...

Desi: Road trips and skinny dips!

Marnie: America!

Marnie: Des. Desi, what are these? [Holds up a jar of white pills]

Desi: Marnie, that is my private briefcase. Come on. How dare you?

Marnie: Briefcase? All that's in here is a jar of pills and a loose pencil. What the fuck are these?

Desi: Mm... those are my mints. Just... whatever. Put 'em back.

Marnie: These are mints?

Desi: They're... They're just some mints, okay? Just... let's put 'em back.

Marnie: Oh, so you just collect mints from places and keep them in a mason jar.

Desi: Actually, no, Marnie. They're Oxy. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you wanna hear? They're Oxy-fucking-Contin. And I've been on them for a fucking year! And I'm addicted to them, so please put my fucking OxyContin in my jar, back in my private fucking briefcase. Okay, Marnie?

Marnie: Wait, are you fucking serious? Oh, yeah. You've been taking it for a year?

Desi: Oh, yeah!

Marnie: You were high at our wedding. I thought you seemed sleepy and itchy. You were fucking high at our wedding!

Desi: Oh, fuck, yeah! Put 'em back!

[Marnie throws the jar on the ground and it shatters]

Desi: No! Oh, my fucking God! No!

Marnie: You are not getting them!

Desi: Oh, my God!

Marnie: I'm stomping them out! You are not gonna get 'em.

Desi: Fucking bitch! No, no, no, no, no.

Marnie: I'm gonna stomp them out!

Desi: Let me... Stop! Stop! Stop!

Marnie: I'm stomping them out!

Desi: Stop! Ow! Fuck!

Marnie: You are not gonna get these!

Desi: You are not... Don't you dare! What?! Stop, you motherfuck... What the fuck?

Marnie: You are the sick junkie...

Desi: Fuck! Ow! God! Fucking hurt! Jesus! Yeah, I am sick! I'm fucked up! I'm fucking sick! But you're fucking demented. Who doesn't know that their husband's on 20 fucking Oxy a day? Twenty Oxy a day and you abandoned me! My whole life is a cry for help! I fucking hate this fucking...! Yeah, No!

Marnie: Get out!

Desi: No, I'm not doing this right now.

Marnie: Get out! Hannah, come help! Get out!

Desi: I'm not doing this. No way, Marn. Just stop this.

Marnie: Hannah, you dumb slut, get down here!

Desi: Yeah, so Hannah, everything is fine!

Marnie: It's not fine!

Desi: Just be quiet. Marnie...?

Marnie: Fuck, Hannah!

Desi: Hannah, go back upstairs. Oh, my God, stop it! Go back upst...! Stop it! Get out of here. Get out... You're grabbing her too much. Just horsing around. No, no, no, no. We're gonna just walk out gently. You're being very violent and No, no, no, inappropriate! I'm not. I'm all about... hey, Come on, now I'm all about peace. Okay, but this is not necessary.

Marnie: Get out of this house.

Desi: Ow! Okay, Marn...

Marnie: Get out of this house.

Desi: What is the meaning of this fucking cunt parade? Okay. Yeah. Okay! Why don't you two just go fuck each other? Yeah. Okay! Oh! Hi, Hannah. Marnie! No! Marnie!

Hannah: Get him out! Get it out!

Marnie: This is shocking, okay? That is not who I thought that person was.

Desi: Bitches and cunts! Bitches and cunts! No! Ow! Bitches and cunts! Get down! Bitches and cunts! No! Let me in! Let me in!

Marnie: Get out!

Desi: Bitches and cunts! Cunt!

Marnie: Get the fuck away!

Desi: No! Ah! What the fuck?!

...

Shoshanna: Seriously, seeing you was like an emotional facelift, so we need to hang out. Um, who should I give my new digits to? Honestly, Shoshanna, I don't know, 'cause you really...

Zeva: You really hurt us when you bailed. I mean, canceling on Spring Break, like, six hours before?

Rachel: It was so rude.

Zeva: We ended up having to take that trip to Aruba alone. And in a way, it was amazing, because that's when Jamba Jeans was born.

Shoshanna: Right.

Zeva: But we had to split that room two ways instead of three ways, and we just felt so rejected and...

Rachel: It was just so rude. Like, awful. It hurt so much.

Zeva: I... However, we just can't trust you to re-enter our lives right now 'cause we've got a lot going on. Yeah. But we really do wish you the best, though.

...

Marnie: Shoshanna. Shosh. Shosh! First of all, I can't believe that you ever hung out with those girls. They're awful. They're like Khloe Kardashian and Bethenny Frankel... if those women weren't amazing and total revolutionaries.

Shoshanna: Can you shut up? Can we please just get out of here? How did I get here?

Marnie: Like, this was just supposed to be, like, a fun little jaunt.

Shoshanna: You know? I don't think you should say "jaunt." That's not a good expression to use.

Marnie: No, I mean, like, how the fuck did I end up here? I'm on a trip with my ex-husband, who I didn't know was a drug addict, which is the second time that's happened to me, by the way.

Shoshanna: You are so bad at knowing when people are high. Do you remember that time I drank sizzurp and you thought I had senioritis? But seriously, Marnie, it can be pretty hard to have... observations about other people when you're only thinking about yourself. I would know. And I'm not judging you, okay? I promise. I'm done with that. I'm done judging. I'm done being superior. I'm done acting like I know anything at all. None of us know fucking anything.

Marnie: We don't know shit, do we?

Shoshanna: Nope.

Marnie: Well, I need to ask you something.

Shoshanna: Yeah?

Marnie: Do you promise that we'll always be friends? You think I'm gonna stop being your friend now? After putting up with all this bullshit? You've put up with a lot of bullshit, too.

Shoshanna: Yeah, I know.

Marnie: And I'm gonna help you get out of this situation. We're gonna get out of this bed you made. All I need is for you to actually look at yourself. Look around at situations in, like, a real way.

Desi: All right, you fucking babies! Fucking let me in or I'm... I'm coming down the goddamn chimney! You hear? Like fucking Santa Claus! You hear me? I'm gonna goddamn fuckin' do it. And I'm gonna spread Santa's shit all over this motherfucking pussy party!

Hannah: Can we just give him his pills? I mean, honestly.

Desi: Argh!

Hannah: He looks like someone in, like, the Pacific Northwest knit a man.

Desi: Fucking ladder!

...

Jessa: Here's what I don't understand. Why aren't more of these women going into more practical trades, like uh, being a cobbler or a locksmith? At some point we need lady road pavers, lady electricians, lady plumbers!

Elijah: Can't I just go do one line of coke without you two running off? Here, do you want one? [Holds out a plate]

Jessa: Wait, you stole an actual plate from the WEMUN mixer? Well, congrats, now you're even more of a dick.

Elijah: I'm a dick? Why am I a dick?

Jessa: Because I actually came here to try to help our tiny little friend here. All right? Not steal fine china. Oh yeah. Or someone else's fucking boyfriend.

Shoshanna: Can't believe you just said that.

Jessa: I did. Fuck. Ge... You don't even like Adam. How are you mad at me about Adam? You wouldn't even let him drink milk from your fridge.

Shoshanna: Well, that's because he has oral herpes.

Jessa: Oh, no he doesn't. That is a rumor! Yeah. Yes, he does. You just have not been with him long enough to witness one of his outbreaks, so good luck with that, okay?

Elijah: Shoshanna, can we just get a cab, please? Can we just get cab? Where are the cabs?

Jessa: You're not coming in our cab.

Shoshanna: What the fuck is going on? Why are you guys both mad at me about Adam? I mean, fucking... you know what? Marnie's fucking Ray right now and no one seems to give a shit.

Jessa: No, no, no. She's actually fucking Desi right now.

Shoshanna: What?

Jessa: Ah. You know what? I don't even care. I don't give a shit about Adam, okay? But if you are using Marnie to justify your behavior, then ew! Seriously... you ruined my relationship with Rachel and Zeva. You... you ruined my life! I could have been a part of Jamba Jeans. I could have gone on fancy trips and had people who cared about me, and instead...

Shoshanna: Oh, come on...

Jessa: ...you convince me to go to Rockaway for the day to get Italian icies, because Vincent Gallo might be there. Well, you know what? Vincent Gallo wasn't fucking there. And now I'm never gonna see Aruba! You didn't even want to go to Aruba. No one wants to go to Aruba.

Shoshanna: Everyone wants to go to Aruba!

Jessa: The only reason you want to go to Aruba now is because those girls started, like, a stupid jeans company. You're being a star-fucker. Y-you're being worse. You're being a jeans-fucker.

Shoshanna: Get out of my face. Get out of my face! Get out of my face! Just because we are related does not mean that you get to be in my face!

Desi: Yeah, get out of her face! Grow up! Grow up!

Shoshanna: Now I have nothing! Who the fuck are you to say "grow up"? Huh? I'm grown up. I am a grown-up. I am a fucking grown-up! Who is she to fucking say that to me? I am so bored! I think we've all been down a time or two, you know. Not knowing where...

Desi: Will you stop talking right fucking now? Please shut the fuck up! Thank you.

Hannah: When I was in fifth grade, I had this English teacher, Mr. Lasky. He liked me. He was impressed with me. I did, like, special creative writing. I wrote, like, a little novel or whatever. Sometimes when he was talking to the class, he'd stand behind me and he'd just, like, rub my neck. Sometimes he'd, like, rub my head, rustle my hair. And I didn't mind. It made me feel special. It made me feel like someone saw me and they knew that I was gonna grow up and be really, really particular. It also made kids hate me and put lasagna in my fucking backpack, but that's a different story. Anyway, last year, I'm at this, like, whatever, warehouse party in Bushwick, and this dude comes up to me and he's like, "Horvath, "we went to middle school together, East Lansing." And I'm like, "Oh, my God, remember how crazy Mr. Lasky's class was? "He was basically trying to molest me." And you know what this kid said? He looks at me in the middle of this buckskin party like he's a judge and he goes, "That's a very serious accusation, Hannah." And he walked away. And there I am, and I'm just 11 again, and I'm just getting my buckskin neck rubbed. Because that stuff never goes away.

• Lena Dunham - Hannah Horvath
• Allison Williams - Marnie Michaels
• Jemima Kirke - Jessa Johansson
• Zosia Mamet - Shoshanna Shapiro