Talk:Butterfly World Tour/GA1

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Reviewer: Adabow (talk · contribs) 20:04, 11 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]

• Was File:Butterflyworldtour.jpg actually used as the main image to promote the tour, or does it just appear in a book? You might want to replace with a performance photo.
  • Official tour poster.--CallMeNathan • Talk2Me 02:53, 13 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]
• "Starting on January 11" - give the year, too
• "Butterfly World Tour" - doesn't need italics
• "extremely successful" - not mentioned later
• "and gold in Brazil" - by whom?

• "Succeeding nights were more favorable reviewed" - favorably
• "equaling in over 150,000 tickets (a record she broke during her next tour)" - rewrite. Try not to use brackets, and name "her next tour".

• "intro" - colloquial?
• The sentence about backing vocalists seems to be chucked in at random. Maybe place it at the beginning of the section?
• "who would join Carey on-stage" - don't use this "would" tense. You mention when he joined Carey, so maybe axe this part altogether
• Link back-up dancers
• "intimate performance" seems a bit repetitive
• "After the performance" - makes it sound like the show is over
• "The performance was the most intricate dancing" - Maybe 'The performance featured the most intricate choreography'?

• "The tour was a critical and commercial success" - remove per WP:PEACOCK
• Can you find a newspaper/magazine review or two?
  • Looked. Even Legolas looked, can't find anything--CallMeNathan • Talk2Me 02:53, 13 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]

• "filmed and later edited into a DVD titled" - in the lead you say it was VHS
• "was a commercial success" - remove per WP:PEACOCK

• Do you have source(s)?
• Replace "Main" with "Taiwan and Hawaii" or "Taipei and Honolulu" (if that's what "main" means)

• References? Place citations next to the continent

• Are these in any particular order? Alphabetical is preferable for me
  • That's the order in the book--CallMeNathan • Talk2Me 02:53, 13 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]

On hold for seven days, awaiting improvements. Adabow (talk · contribs) 20:04, 11 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]

• • Done. Thanks Adabow :)--CallMeNathan • Talk2Me 02:53, 13 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]
    • OK, passing now. I would like to make a suggestion that you search for a couple of images of Carey performing on the tour. Adabow (talk · contribs) 03:18, 13 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]