Jack Black
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| Born |
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| Occupation | Actor, U.S. President, The King of Rock |
| Years active | 1982-present |
| Spouse(s) | That girl who got her spine pierced |
| Children | 2 |
“Stick it in The Man!”
“In Soviet Russia, Man sticks YOU!!!!”
“I SLICED HIS FUCKIN' COCKLES WITH A LONG AND SHINY BLADE!!”
Thomas Rebecca Lee Jacob "Jack" Black (born August 28, 1969) was the first black president of the United States of America, as well as the brother of Queen Latifa and Jack White. Black is a world renowned comic, rock star, and Korean food chef. He is also the biological father of Jenna Bush. Jack is (along with K.G.) rock in pure living form. He is also widely regarded as the KING OF MOTHERFUCKING ROCK.
Career[edit | edit source]
Jack Black gained access to millions of movie goers hearts by throwing his weight around and being mentally handicapped. He was born in the small town of Kickapoo, Missouri, to a highly religious family (including his Father Meat Loaf) before Ronnie James Dio convinced him to move to Somalia to start a smoothie shop. He not only makes eye-brow based funny-fat-guy faces, but at the premier of his first movie, he gave away real pieces of fat torn off of his stomach by trained circus ants. These fat chunks were wrapped in foil and plastic wrap to keep them from decaying back into the dark oozing liquid Black is made of (Hence the name Black). These fat gifts were used to keep the movie viewers entertained during the trailers. Unfortunately, this ingenious ploy did not work, as the fat gained sentience and, recognizing Black as its source and maker, tried to escape the foil and plastic wrapping to find enlightenment. During the fat's rush to Nirvana, the carpet and ceiling of every cinema in existence was covered liberally with partially decayed fat-ooze. Through a time warp, the mass of fat, now sporting many eyes, inspired H. P. Lovecraft's shoggoths. He also founded Jack Black's pizza, where one-time mass-murderers Eric harris and Dylan Klebold worked before the time paradox in which they were sent to 1899.
Some people think that Black is a mystical wish giving cat, but it's clearly obvious that he is in fact a goat. A magical goat that has the power to cure any disease in the world. Even chicken pox. Jack Black was actually black in his childhood, but after seeing what plastic surgery can do, (*cough*) he decided to try it for himself. His true father is Samuel L. Blackson.
A form of this fat has been tamed using positive re-enforcement and cleaning fluid and is being marketed as hair gel. Other forms include plastic, certain metals, Michael Jackson's nose, silicone, polyester, rayon, Michael Jackson's body, Jessica Simpson's brain, the Flood, Michael Jackson's face, and cylons. He bought a Electric Guitar from Maxlam and sell it back to a man who playing Runescape for a lot of pencils.
The remainder of the fat that had not been reduced to dark ooze was used to create the Creature Creation Agencies through which the fat would be trained into assuming the shape of animals or animal hybrids.
Since the fat-shoggoth incident, Jack Black has achieved godly status among three billion people of the world. He is so loved, in fact, that China changed its name from China to Jackblackoplis. His eyebrows, having achieved some sort of sentience, have helped Black take control of millions of minds.
Recently Jack Black took over the Torchwood 3 institute over the Cardiff Time Rift and now is the self-proclaimed captain of a team that protects the Welsh from evil aliens while having sex with everything that moves, only then to be fired shortly after for not being bisexual, immortal, already dead or even a human.
Black is immortal and was responsible for the conception of Jesus Christ, but came close several times of losing his head to others like him.
Known associates[edit | edit source]
- Young school children
- Sasquatches
- Black men who aren't really black men who attack the fake Vietcong
- The King of Rock and Roll
- Raptor Jesus
- Back Sabbath
- Black Metal
- Black Cats
- Blackbeard
- Adam Savage
- That animated rat thing from that movie.
- A tiger who sounds a lot like lady from that shitty movie "Salt"
- A monkey who sounds like Jackie Chan or an American doing a bad impression of a Asian person
- Kyle Gass
Influenced and influences[edit | edit source]
- Influenced many great rock artist while traveling though the rock time continuum.
- Baraq Hussine Soama. Sorry, Obama.
- Spanish Minstrels back in 1756
- John Lenin
- Ozzy Osbourne and many other rock gods
- Harry Hill & Stouffer The Cat
Acting Style[edit | edit source]
Jack Black's acting style is similar to that of Jim Carrey if he was dropped on his head while smoking pot and listening to AC/DC. The central premise of most of Jack Black's characters center around several requirements:
- The Character must possess street smarts, but lack common sense and self-restraint
- The Character must be fat and loud
- The Character must be "kooky" in a family-movie kind of way
- The Character must be selfish
- The Character must wear a flanelette shirt at some point
- The Character must be obsessed with classic rock, and express this in loud, unprovoked outbursts, usually consisting of a single yelled word, namely "RAWK!" (optional, but recommended)
- The Character must call everyone a "dude," even when they are clearly not. (optional, but recommended)
- The Character must be fuzzy-wuzzy and oh so huggable.
- The Character must be at least 20% panda or Koopa.
- The Character must resemble Zechariah Lane
- The Character must always look like he is ready to scamper behind the curtain and roll up a big fat spliff.
Childhood[edit | edit source]
The alien liquid that makes up Jack Black did go through a juvenile state in order to form into its current guise. The exact course of this development stage is unknown, but it is said to involve the sacrifice of twelve and a half virgin hookers during a total solar eclipse. Needless to say, the foundation of Jack Black is far older than his (if it has a gender) guise would like us to believe.
Recently, Scientists have found the formula for the original liquid, allowing them to create more entities akin to Jack Black. This has spawned sub-godly actors like Samuel L. Jackson, Morgan Freeman, and Conan O'Brien. After this was discovered, scientists began an intensive study of the fluid, and found that it cures cancer and every disease known to mankind.
The part of the liquid containing all the talent separated and became Jack White. However, White missed the untalentedness of Black and so formed The White Stripes with Meg White. However apparently Jack Black and Jack White are planning to unite The White Stripes and Tenacious D as The Black and White Stripes. They will record the soundtrack album for the upcoming Postman Pat live action film, staring Nicholas Cage as Postman Pat. Cage has already won the coveted role of Pat, whilst White has been lined up to play the Reverend Timms.