Mr. Hankey
 | |
| Birth Date | 1932 |
|---|---|
| Birth Place | South park |
| Nationality | Poo |
| Occupation | Christmas Poo |
| Religion | Jews for Jesus |
| Spouse | Autumn |
| Simon, Cornwallis, and Amber | |
| Website | http://www.misterhankey.net/ |
“Howwwwdy hooooooow!”
“Right now, you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, mmmkay.”
“Why does he sound exactly like I do? It's been 14 fucking seasons and these assholes can't afford a separate voice actor for me.”
"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" is a widely known branch of species of the Feciaa family. It's heritage is as follows:
- Mother - Mrs. Di Ria - Originated from TummyBug Town and married his father.
- Father - Mr. Laxytiv Milkinson - His father was an Ice - cream salesman.
- Brother - Mr. Nojobbietobig - He originated from Scotland and married Mrs. Turtlebottom.
They are the only remaining people in his family, as his sister decomposed at the very young age of 3 months.
Mr. Hankie has featured in many TV shows, such as 'South Park', 'Toilet Traumas', 'Derety Pyle' and 'When you're Dirtying Windows'.
The Early Years[edit | edit source]
Bartholomew Moses Hankey, best known as Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, officially the crappiest character in the history of mankind, was born January 6, 1932 in a sewer under South Park, Colorado. He is a second-generation Poo, having been born to fecal parents rather than coming out of someone's ass.[1] Both of his parents came from asses of people whose names have never been made public. He is not known to be related to Winnie the Pooh.
Hankey was born and raised Jewish but converted to Christianity in his early twenties. He explained to his disappointed parents, "Well gosh, why should I wait around my whole life for the Messiah, when he's already here? Besides, Jesus smells an awful lot like flowers!" He notheless remained proud of his Jewish roots and maintained close contact with the Jewish community, becoming a kind of good will ambassador of religious tolerance. He went on to study theology with a concentration on interfaith dialogue.
Becoming the Christmas Poo[edit | edit source]
In the mid-1980s he met Chef who had recently moved to South Park. Chef convinced Mr. Hankey to apply his teachings to the celebration of Christmas. He soon began travelling around the world (especially South Park) spreading Christmas cheer in the weeks leading up to Christmas. He would sometimes leave presents on Christmas Eve for children whom Santa Claus passed over (non-Christians and really, really poor kids).
For many years Mr. Hankey was a distant second behind Santa as a symbol of Christmas in the modern world. However in December, 1998 when a religious war broke out in South Park it was Mr. Hankey who, with his trusted advisors Chef and Kyle Broflovski, was able to broker a peace deal that prevented World War III. The Treaty of South Park as the accord came to be known was signed on Christmas Eve. Since then Christmas has become a celebration not just of the birth of Jesus, but also a day to honor our latter-day savior Mr. Hankey.
Plague[edit | edit source]
Mr. Hankey hankered for love. And searched far a wide for it. He had the love of Jesus but he wanted so much more. Chef was too obessed with gettin' it on, to give Mr. Hankey they type of compassion that he needed. It was only Kyle who could fill his need for intimacy. Although very pleased by this, Kyle felt plagued, trapped by the insanity others told him he had. He was the only one who talked to the toliet when x-mas rolled around. To shower his point on others he trapped mr. hankey in a shoebox.
During the COVID-19 timeline episodes, there are short cut scenes not available in all jurisdictions featuring Mr. Hankey. It shows Mr. Hankey appearing inside the chest of Kenny as he is exploded on the time travel machine in one scene (very briefly). It also shows Mr. Hankey in the pile of possessions around Cartman when he becomes homeless in another. Look closely. You can also see Mr Hankey in the shadows next to Professor Chaos cell in the asylum. And in another scene he appears in a cup of tea being drunk by President Garrison spoofing Donald Trump. The last time he appears is in the front pocket of one of the cure researchers in lab coat. We do not know why they did this, but some theorists believe that Mr. Hankey is secret Illuminati code that South Park uses to describe secret underworld shit, possibly DUMBS involving tall white space aliens, that abduct people and spy on Jews and create havoc so that the pograms keep happening because they're Nazis. Which would explain why Kyle is is secret friend, and also why Cartman has the sattelite dish up his arse in the first episode. PROOVE IT WRONG /B/rothers.
The Aftermath[edit | edit source]
In the years that followed there was a communist plot to take over Jesusland and all the hippies were scared, because they thought that "they" were going to take their weed. To prevent the chain of events that would bring about such a catastrophe, Mr. Hankey went to Palestine to stop the hanging of Saddam Hussein. However, he was too late. The Palestinians lanched a nuke-u-lar attack on The Holy Land, and the hippies in defence put up a radioactive mushroom forcefield. When faced with such a challenge the Palestineians dumped their vats of beer and slipped and sleded under the force field. Mr. Hankey then had a self-realization that all he was is a turd, so he jumped in to a beer that had been dumped. "IT IS MILLER TIME!...," he shouted, "pack me up in a carwash!" They keeled over and dyed the monkeys purple. "Can I get one of your happy cancer sticks?" asked one of the last surviving Palestinians trying to appeal to his hippie captor's sense of mercy. "None can be found on this planet of destruction," was the reply, "So if you meet me in the mall it's going down. Thats the way I was, I was down. Like James Brown. BITCH! The pig is now Elvis, dont you see your just like me. A pig is not like anybody but me."
And with that, the starving children of Ethiopia, took over Barbra Streisand's, food supply. Hillary Clinton decided to kill all of the Jews, and pokemon lived on. Bono got hard yo, he shot the rest of the Palestians with his AK-47, riding in a Lincoln Navigator, hes riding spinners, hes riding spinners, he dont stop - drinking the syrupd and hittin the blunt!
And Reverend Run saved the world with the starving Ethopians...and then Mr. Hankey and Rev. Run went to the strip club and got laid.