Homelessness
Homelessness was invented in the 1950s by the American Government as a ploy to get more of the taxpayers' money without asking for tax. Homeless people may look real but they are actually government robots designed to look pathetic and smell funky. Below are examples of robotic homeless people and their annoying ways. They also get a starter pack when the first set out, containing cardboard, marker, dog and clothes.
"This is for food, not for drugs."[edit | edit source]
Like most people of the modern world, homeless people ain't got no money. But what separates the homeless from the commoner is the fact that many of these vagrants have no place to live, whereas I live in Connecticut and have a six-bedroom house. But that don't mean I got money. I haven't paid my taxes in four years and they came and took my car away this afternoon. I'm broke!
"No! Please. I don't need my windshield washed. Here, take this. Now go away."[edit | edit source]
When I see homeless people on the street, I just want to spit on them and kick them in the face. Mommy says it was a mistake bringing those people here to work for us. I hate homeless people.
"Is it just me or does it smell like pee?"[edit | edit source]
Most homeless people live on the streets. You can often find them selling themselves to passersby, turning tricks in order to score more cash for their addictions to aluminum. Aluminum is a valuable drug and many homeless people get into fights over scoring the pure stuff. It can be quite costly, some homeless being charged as much as a dumpster dive, but the payoff is sweet. Most get a strong high from metal, while others can make five cents in California, ten cents in Maine.
"Get out my store! We don't want you here! Get out! No money, no good!"[edit | edit source]
When not busy cluttering up the sidewalk with their sleeping selves, homeless people robots can be found working as meteorologists for the local news stations. You can often see them walking around, apparently aimless, with their hands out and asking for change in atmospheric conditions. It is believed that this practice of measuring changes in barometric pressure is something that homeless people brought from their dark lands where they make the Nikes.
When they are (very rarely) not wandering aimlessly, they are wandering about public buildings asking for access to the restrooms. Once permitted access, they may do one of several things: Turn off the water to the toilet, complain in permanent marker about someone or something else (depending on what the voices in their head tell them) on the wall, unscrew the latches or hooks, wash their hair in the sink, steal the toilet paper, miss the toilet entirely, or actually use the toilet for its intended purpose. Homeless people typically enjoy toilet humor (especially pranks) very much.
Should they use the toilet for its intended purpose, odds are about 50–50 whether they will use paper towels or toilet paper or an empty toilet paper roll, and flush them down, having almost forgotten what a working toilet looks like. (Typically, they also don't have any idea how to make a toilet work – if they did, they might be able to get handyman and plumbing gigs that would pay their rent.) Store and restaurant owners typically respond to this vandalism by either hoarding the single bathroom key, installing digital combination locks on the bathroom doors, with the codes provided to paying customers only, and/or placing signs reading "no public bathrooms" on their windows.
"Vet my ass."[edit | edit source]
Programs to help the homeless have popped up all over America. In Florida, for instance, a new welfare-based initiative has been enacted whereby passersby can freely beat the homeless people, causing the bums to run/keeping them moving and thus helping them to stay warm.
Because of these annoying issues and the Trojan Worm Virus, the government in New Orleans, the Louisiana government, along with FEMA, helped to start Operation Clean Sweep, or "Whitewash" for short. The idea behind OCS was to help rid the streets of "homeless people" by washing them away and down the drain, much like rice in a sink. Overzealousness led to rampant improvements in the city, many noting that not only were there no "homeless people" on the streets, but that the people they are related to have seemingly disappeared as well. Homeland Security (ICE) also assisted with this process by deporting anyone foreign-looking whose visa paperwork was stolen, burned up, obviously counterfeited, or missing. However, the government is currently thinking up new ways to subliminally collect extra money.
Food[edit | edit source]
It is believed that the homeless take change and turn it into nourishment. If they are deprived of change, they will slowly die, and if you had given them change, they will automatically forget that you gave them any and ask you for more. They only want more and can't live without it. The homeless are largely regarded as a burden to the advancement of the human race. It has also been hypothesized that they may be able to siphon music by the Grateful Dead or Phish as a secondary way of gaining energy, but all the scientists sent to study this went to one of their concerts and were never seen again.
Why they are important[edit | edit source]
Homeless people are a very important part of our American society. Without homeless people, many children would be left without a costume idea on Halloween, and large pharmaceutical companies would have no one to test their new medicine on. Also, there would be no one to decorate (sit on) sidewalks or overdose (responsibly). Homeless people are also an extremely important part of the environment and ecosystem. When a homeless person dies, his or her nutrients are released back into the soil ... or the sidewalk, depending. Without homeless people, we would have a loss of culture and people with gingivitis. We need them like they need a nice, long shower, clean underwear, shoes without holes and a new wristwatch. We must respect the homeless as soon they will become the rulers of the world.
