1989

This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from January to December 1989.

East Germans rebelliously escaping from the dreadful clutches of the 1980s.

1989 Anno Domini was the year that proceeded 1988 and preceded 1990. It began on a Sunday, at the end of the calendar week, labeling it as an official rear year. Historians and astrologists speculate that the rearness of the year was an omen predicting the virtual downfall of the Soviet Union, or the incline of American culture with the start of the '90s.^[1]

Events

January

• January 7 – Emperor Hirohito of Japan dies after 62 years on the throne, officially ending the Awkward Era that followed the end of World War II.
• January 24 – Serial killer Theodore Bundy executed in Florida's electric chair. Handsome, pip-squeaked cohorts Alvin and Simon Bundy remain on the loose.

February

• February 14 – Iranian religious leader Ayatollah Khomeini declares Jihad against nautical authors Salmon Rushdie and Kilgore Trout.
• February 16 – Investigators announce that the cause of the Pan Am 103 crash was a bomb hidden inside a radio-cassette player, in the guise of a Bee Gees mixtape. Upon hearing the news, the last remnants of disco weep away and die.^[2]

March

• March 1 – Man without calendar forgets February is shortest month, looks like a jive fool celebrating the end of Black History Month a day late.
• March 24 – King-sized tanker Exxon-Valdez spills 240,000 gallons of oil into Alaska's Prince William sound. Efforts to save the greased-up wildlife reinvigorate the toothbrush, towel, and soybean industries.
• March 29 – Rain Man is the big winner at the 61st Academy Awards. Best Actor Raymond Babbitt, who couldn't comprehend the concept of a trophy, celebrates by taking a spin in the Shrine Auditorium's driveway. Brother Charlie Babbitt pawns the award, spends earnings on hair gel and designer sunglasses.

April

• People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata is founded.
• April 1 – Margaret Thatcher kicks off cruelest month by introducing poll tax in Scotland.
• April 30 – Sergio Leone engages in legendary standoff with fourth bowl of spaghetti. Pasta triumphs, Leone struck with fatal heart attack.

May

• May 1–15 – The USSR and Red China join forces and astonish the world by constructing a 500 foot tall pole made entirely out of scrap metal collected during the Great Leap Forward. Scandal erupts when it is revealed that live, screaming Chinese protesters were smuggled in and used as mortar. The writhing, fleshy foundation gives way on the fifteenth, symbolically toppling the Red Tower and making a pretty loud noise. American president Bush remarks that "That was one, big dumb Pole," to the consternation of Poland's big, dumb prime minister.

June

• June 3 – Ayatollah Khomeini dies in Iran. In a heartfelt tribute to The Benny Hill Show, which died earlier in the year, Khomeini's body falls out of its casket onto burqa-clad burlesque dancers who are then chased around by an angry mob to an upbeat saxophone number.
• June 4 – Massacre occurs at China's Tiananmen Square. Hundreds die fleeing from tanks until one guy discovers that they don't kill you if you just stand in front of them.
• June 23 – Batman, starring Jack Nicholson, is released. It quickly becomes the highest-grossing movie based on a comic book since the last Batman movie, a title that is held until the release of the next Batman movie.

July

• July 2 – Andreas Papandreou, prime minister of Greece, admits to having illicit affair with gyro for three years, resigns in embarrassment.
• July 5 – What's the deal with that new show Seinfeld? It's like someone just made a show... about nothing! Could you believe that?
• July 11 – Laurence Olivier begins his most ambitious acting stunt to date by burying himself underground and playing dead for 35 years and counting.
• July 14 – France celebrates the bicentennial anniversary of the French Revolution by forming and deposing of 200 different republics in a record 24 hours.
• July 31 – Nintendo releases its GameBoy portable video game system in North America, a revolutionary breakthrough for today's busy geek-on-the-go.

August

• August 14 – The Sega Genesis is released in North America; Notorious B.I.G. cannot picture this.
• August 20 – Lyle and Erik Menendez brutally murder their parents with shotguns, escape conviction with the controversial "brutally murder the jury with shotguns" defense.
• August 24 – Baseball legend Pete Rose places $15 million bet against himself in landmark gambling case. Rose is given lifetime ban, $45 million in winnings.

September

• September 6 – South Africans unwittingly elect a non-racist president.
• September 10 – Hungary citizens voraciously open their borders to German refugees from Frankfurt and Hamburg. None are ever heard from again.

October

• October 4 – Antarctica continues doing nothing interesting.
• October 19 – The Wonder Years of Life pavilion, featuring Fred Savage, opens at Epcot in Walt Disney World to mixed reviews. One critic commented, on the performance of star Fred Savage, that "The vague Princess Brideism wasn't enough to hold my interest." The attraction has since become a cult classic.

November

• November 1 – Communist officials sense grim forebodings for the future of the Party after the "Worst. Red October. Ever."^[3]
• November 4 – While millions of Thai citizens are devastated by Typhoon Gay, conservative politicians in the United States enjoy a breezy field day.
• November 9 – The Communist government of East Germany resigns, sending overjoyed Berliners into a bloodthirsty frenzy for freedom. In a fit of reckless abandon, the load-bearing Berlin Wall is senselessly torn down, causing the Berlin Ceiling to collapse and completely level the German city and all its inhabitants.
• November 17 – Remnants from Typhoon Gay spread to Czechoslovakia, catalyzing the Velvet Revolution.

December

• December 13 – In an effort to balance out the political liberation and free elections in Eastern Europe, the United States government fuels a coup in the Philippines and invades Panama.
• December 22 – Samuel Beckett tells nobody in particular that he's tired of waiting for the nurse and that he's going to get his own goddamn ham sandwich. He does not move.

In culture

Poets, playwrights, and pimps Carlton Douglas Ridenhour and Flavor Flavowski wrote a short play summarizing the year as a favor to old friends and influential misers George Clinton and Spike Lee, who hoped to strengthen the widespread fear of a black planet via unstoppable collaboration. Enclosed below are excerpts from the semi-historical play One Nation Under Chocolate.

Act 1

(scene: 1989. Another summer. Sound of a funky drummer.)

(SAL is sweeping the road in front of his store, while his neighbor YAKOV lounges nearby, watching a 150 pound portable cathode ray television and talking on a thirteen-inch cellular phone. The sound of a funky drummer gets louder.)

Brooklyn... what a borough!

SAL: Ah, beat it, kid! Bring the noise somewhere else! (shakes fist at funky drummer across the street, whose loud rhythms are disturbing Sal's chores)

FUNKY DRUMMER: Up yours, square! I don't need this kinda treatment around here. (picks up drums and exits side east, toward Williamsburg. Sal glowers in contempt)

SAL: Ah, could you believe the nerve of those kids? It's like they're expecting a whole nation of millions just to hold one of them back.

YAKOV: (busy on the phone) So I say to Gorbachev, "In Estonia, people's uprising liberates YOU!!" Ha ha, but I kid! Life in Brooklyn is good, but I still can't seem to find your passport Svetlana. Perhaps that shifty Ukrainian took it on the way over. Oh, here comes Sal! He's my best friend!

SAL: Hey Yakov, anything good on?

YAKOV: (abruptly drops phone) Oh, just funny new show by my friend the comedian Jerry! I don't get it. Though its plot is crazy and complex, the substance is completely mundane. It's very funny, yes!

SAL: {irate} What good is a complex plot if it's about an uninteresting subject? I mean, I've heard a lot about this show, but I won't believe the hype. What the hell is this show actually about?

YAKOV: Get this: nothi-! (the sound of an approaching boombox drowns out Yakov's derivative punchline)

(Enter MOOKIE and RERUN side west, bringing the aforementioned noise. Mookie is adorned with a king's ransom of chains and necklaces; on his shoulder rests a large boombox, pumping up the jams onstage. All of Rerun's 265 pounds of saturated fat boogie in with the tunes and greet Sal with an impressively graceful split)

RERUN: What's happening Sal?

MOOKIE: Yeah, what's good?

SAL: Ah, nothing, Mookie. (Resuming sweeping) This damn heat wave is killing business.

MOOKIE: WHATCHOO SAY ABOUT KILLIN', MAN?

SAL: What? Nothing, nothing, I swear!

MOOKIE: (mockingly) Nahthin nahthin ah sweah's! Yeah, go head and jock me and my brothers, Klannie.

SAL: Don't mook me Mockie! I mean, mock me Mookie.

(a crowd of angry blacks and Puerto Ricans rush in from all sides and begin throwing bricks and trash cans all over the place. Rerun collapses from an apparent heart attack. To be fair, it was coming.)

(curtain falls)

In music

• January 14 – Former Beatle Paul McCartney releases Снова в СССР (Back in the USSR) exclusively in the USSR. The Russians, whose government had effectively prevented the exposure of modern music for many decades, found the rock stylings of McCartney unsavory compared to the familiar accordion-folk music of Дмитрий Покровский. Many enterprising Russians raked in immense profits by selling the rock tapes back to the United States as thousand-dollar "bootlegs."
• January 23 – James Brown receives a six-week prison sentence for shoplifting a brand new bag for his ailing papa.
• March 14 – De La Soul releases influential debut 3 Feet High and Rising, marking a turning point in midget-produced hip-hop.
• April 18 – The Pixies release alternative rock magnum opus Doolittle, influencing talented independent musicians the world over, including Nirvana, Modest Mouse, and Eddie Murphy.
• May 2 – The Stone Roses want to be adored, but their debut album is initially regarded as fool's gold.^[4]
• June 15 – Nirvana debut album Bleach is released and distributed at a Seattle, Washington Starbucks at a cost of $606 and a profit of $700. Cobain and the band spend the riches on beers and pinball.
• July 23 – Former Beatle Ringo Starr did something too, but everyone was too busy paying attention to Paul McCartney to notice.
• September 9 – Madonna simulates masturbation during her performance for the televised MTV Video Music Awards. Husband Sean Penn is unimpressed.
• September 14 – Madonna is granted a divorce from Sean Penn.
• December 23 – Ice Cube leaves N.W.A., emerges from their air-conditioned studio, and promptly melts in the blazing Compton sun.
• December 31 – New Wave, celebrating the final day of its youth with a sensational farewell festival, becomes Wave at the stroke of midnight.^[5]

Unknown date

• Milli Vanilli's career goes down the drain, some Germans had sung the refrains, Grammy voters hang their heads in shame, all is then blamed on rain.
• The Jesus and Mary Chain releases influential debut Psychocandy, pupil-to-shoelace contact rises 43% worldwide.
• Jeffrey Phillips of Hoboken, New Jersey suddenly understands the big deal about Devo

In radio, film, and television

Canada on a busy news day.

• January 3 – Canadian environmentalists complain that there aren't enough television shows depicting elephants as kings. Network executives hastily come up with Babar to satisfy their demands.
• January 9 – Pat Sajak leaves game show Wheel of Fortune to host unsuccessful late night show Humorous Discourse of Fortune.
• March 11 – COPS debuts on Fox. Its gritty and grainy footage of real-life domestic encounters often proved violent, making the show a fierce competitor of ABC's America's Funniest Home Videos.
• June 22 – Canadian news channel CBC Newsworld is launched, but runs for three whole months before its first broadcast.
• September 22 – Ottowa resident Larry Woodthorpe complains that gas prices are too high; CBC Newsworld is hot on the scene.
• November 10 – CKO (a Canadian national all-news radio network) suddenly terminates all broadcasting during the newscast at noon (Eastern time), due to a near-complete lack of news since the station began broadcasting on July 1, 1977.^[6]
• October 13 – Woody Allen writes, directs, and stars as himself in his 19th feature-length neurotic misadventure.
• December 2 – Dissatisfaction amongst cartoon viewers promised heartfelt hilarity from The Smurfs boils over in the form of a ratings revolution, resulting in the tearing down of the Smurftown Wall and removal of the show from syndication.
• December 15 – Driving Miss Daisy becomes the first award-winning American film to display racism in a positive light since D.W. Griffith's Birth of a Nation won the coveted Cross de Feu at the Klannes Film Festival.
• December 17 – In light of the ratings revolution that deposed of The Smurfs, the capitalist Simpson family establishes itself as the new king of cartoons in bumbling, slice-of-life premiere.

Footnotes

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