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Chapter Text

1 October 2014

In a warm and surprisingly cozy, well-lit office waiting room, a phone rings. “You have reached the office of Corin Deeth III, CEO of Kakos Industries. This is Stacy speaking, how may I help you?”

“This is Dr. Kayali from the University of What It Is. I have information for Mr. Deeth regarding Project NV,” replies Dr. Kayali.

“One moment please,” Stacy says. She places the call on hold and opens another line to her boss. “Mr. Deeth, a Dr. Kayali is on line 1 regarding a Project NV?”

There is a beat of silence before a smooth, honeyed voice replies, “Alright, thank you Stacy.”

“Of course, sir.” She hangs up. A red light blinks impatiently in the dimness of the main office. Corin Deeth III takes a deep breath before picking up the line, visibly calming and centering himself.  

“Corin Deeth III. What do you have for me, Dr. Kayali?”

“Well, we were not able to make contact with Dr. Estrada, but we did speak with a Cecil Palmer, a radio host, who claims that Carlos is alive and well. The locals seemed disproportionately unwelcoming and aggressive toward us, calling us interlopers and outsiders. Were it not for Mr. Palmer, I fear we may have been attacked by a mob. However, upon expressing our concerns for Dr. Estrada, Mr. Palmer reassured us that Dr. Estrada is loved by the locals.”

A beat of silence. “Thank you Dr. Kayali. What is your evaluation of the situation?”

“Well, despite the earnest sincerity of Mr. Palmer, the fact that we were ushered out as soon as we came in, the aggressive mob we were met with, and the fact that we were unable to make contact with Dr. Estrada concerns me. I do not doubt that Dr. Estrada lives, but his state of mind and of being may be called into question.”

“Alright. Make sure you forward me your team’s reports ASAP. Thank you again, Dr. Kayali.”

“It was no problem, Mr. Deeth. You are not the only one who cares for Dr. Estrada. He is a beloved and very missed member of our staff after all. Will you keep the University updated on his status?”

“Yes, of course. I’ll have my secretary email you any news. Good evening, Dr. Kayali.” Corin hung up. He sighed in a mixture of relief and frustration. Finally, he had news on Carlos. Finally. He straightened his back and started emailing the head of the Department of Espionage and other Underhanded Dealings. He needed more information before he could retrieve his fiancé, or his fiancé’s body.

October 21, 2015

In a lab in a friendly desert community where the sun is hot and its the citizens scream into the void daily, there is a perfect man with perfect hair perfectly doing science. A deep voice murmurs in the background, emanating impossibly clear from a small, old, portable radio on a corner of a lab bench. Carlos, our esteemed and perfect scientist, hums lightly as he carefully pipettes a strange gold liquid onto a petri dish of chocolate agar. Carlos repeats this step another 9 times before he sets his pipette down. He takes the petri dishes and sets them on a clear shelf in a refrigerator marked “NO FOOD ALLOWED! KEEP AT 4°C!!”. Mysterious task completed, he turns up the volume in the radio and starts to bustle around the lab, cleaning up and returning used equipment to their proper places.

“In other news, there is a man, a dark man in a dark suit in dark sunglasses, who came into town today. This dark man carries with him a sense of purpose, of duty. Who is this dark man? What is he looking for, what is his purpose with our small, lovely, desert community? Why dark clothes? Why his dark sunglasses? Why his dark and near perfect hair? Of course, his near perfect hair is nowhere near my dear Carlos’ lovely, gorgeous locks?

Oh! It looks like he is headed to my dear Carlos’ lab! Perhaps he is another representative from the University of What It Is? Or another scientist sent to help our dear, perfect Carlos with all his science? Not that our Carlos needs the help, of course.”

As if on cue, there is a loud knock on the laboratory door. Somehow that knock seems to transmit a sense of displeasure. Carlos heads to the door, wondering who the stranger could be. He opens the door to see the near-spitting image of his dear friend, Corin Deeth II. Which is impossible, even for Night Vale, considering that his friend is long dead and buried. And last he knew, Corin’s son - Corin Deeth III -  was just starting high school while this man appears to be in his mid-30’s.  

“C-corin?!” The exclamation slips out of his mouth unbidden.

“Dr. Estrada. It is good to see that you are alive and well. And unchanged from when I last saw you nearly two decades ago. It certainly makes our marriage more palatable,” the other man smirks, giving Carlos an obvious once over. There is a choking sound from a nearby bush and Carlos can hear screech from the radio in his lab followed by Cecil’s raised voice, the words still indiscernible from his place at the door but the tone of outrage and shock audible. There is a sudden, hushed silence from his co-workers. He just knows that they must be straining their ears, trying to hear their conversation. He could feel his ears and the back of his neck grow hot.

“Corin, what are you doing here? What happened to you? How are you so old? Last I saw you, you were 14, or thereabout,” Carlos stammers. The bush makes another shocked sound and a burst of noise in the lab. “Ah! Not that, you know, I was into children then. Our engagement was arranged, after all, by your grandfather and not by our choice,” Carlos states, raising his voice. There is an audible sigh of relief. A beat of awkward silence.

“Well, aren’t you going to invite me in, love?” Carlos sighs and opens the door wider, stepping aside in a silent invitation.

“Don’t call me that,” Carlos retorts. “I’m a loving and committed relationship with a lovely man my age. I am not your love and you are not mine.”

“Ouch, that’s harsh Doc~tor Es~tra~da,” the other man sing-songs, faking a wince of hurt and clasping his hand to his chest in mock-pain. He steps inside the lab and the door shuts behind them.

As they step into the lab, Carlos hears Cecil’s standard parting words of, “Goodnight, Night Vale. Good night.” He knows that it would only be a matter of time before Cecil arrives to the lab, and sure enough, his phone dings with an incoming notifications. He opens his phone to see 4 texts from Cecil and a cascade of texts from his other friends and acquaintances in Night Vale. He ignores all but the ones sent from Cecil.  

From: Ceec

I’m omw.

We are going to have WORDS, Carlos. WORDS.

Be there in 5.

Still love you tho, even if you are a lying liar who lies.

He sighs in relief. Ignoring Corin, he sends a quick text.

To: Ceec

I’m so sorry about this, Ceec. I’ll explain everything to you, I promise.

I love you so much, my honeyed-voice honey. Be safe, don’t text and drive.

He tucks his phone away and turns to the silent, waiting Corin. “Let’s talk in the break room, sorry ahead of time for the mess,” he says, leading Corin past the silent and watching lab techs and scientists. “Alright everyone, get back to work! This is not a telenovela, guys,” he says sternly. The lab bursts into the typical noise of a lab, glassware clinking, machines buzzing, keyboards clacking Despite the outward display of industriousness, Carlos could practically feel everyone’s attention focused on him and Corin. It was unsettling.

They enter the break room, which clears out in seconds. Corin and Carlos each takes a seat at one of the tables. “Well, we’re just waiting for one more person.”

“Ah, yes, your...partner,” Corin purrs. His sunglasses glint from the overhead lighting.

“Yes, Cecil Palmer, my significant other,” Carlos replies sternly. “And for goodness’ sake, Corin, take off those sunglasses. You just look pretentious.”

“Carlos!” Corin gasps, mock scandalized, “Since when do you swear by the good?” Carlos doesn’t bother to reply. “Ugh, whatever, you’ve always been boring and so, so good-natured , just like my father. I don’t know why I expected you be to any different.”

“There is nothing wrong with being good-natured, and there was nothing wrong with you father! Your father was a good man, and man that I was proud to know!” Carlos replies heatedly, unable to keep his silence.

“Yes, yes, but it is because of my father that we are engaged. Don’t forget that,” Corin drawls.

“No, it’s because of your deranged, sick grandfather! He’s the one who thought it was a good idea to punish your father by engaging his 14-year-old grandson to a 32-year-old man! I mean, who does that?!”

“Well, my grandfather was known as the best CEO of Kakos Industries for a reason,” Corin replies, indifferent to Carlos’ outrage. The door bursts open then and Cecil storms into the breakroom.

“Carlos, my darling, secretive, deceptive Carlos, what is this about an engagement?!” Cecil screeches, very obviously upset, as he storms in. Carlos rises and goes to Cecil, who welcomes his embrace. “I am very upset with you, Carlos.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry. I realize that there would be such a large temporal disparity between Night Vale and the outside world. I thought that I could figure out a way out of the engagement, and that I would have had more time to tell you about it, since it’s only been 3 years for us and the last I saw Corin he was 14. I’m sorry Cecil,” Carlos said, hiding his face in Cecil’s neck. Cecil strokes Carlos hair, giving Corin a stink eye. Corin just lifts an eyebrow, unimpressed.

“We’ll discuss this privately later,” Cecil murmurs in Carlos’ ear. “After we deal with this, this Interloper .” Cecil hisses the last word out, his voice seeming to resonate. They hug for a few more seconds, before they part and face Corin, ready to face this new obstacle to their relationship.

“Well, that was just lovely,” Corin stated, “I can tell you are both very much in love. Unfortunately for you both, our” and here he gestures to himself and Carlos, “engagement still stands. If I want to fulfill my grandfather’s will and be full-fledged CEO my Kakos Industries, without any of those pesky limitations my grandfather enacted, then I need to marry Carlos. That is non-negotiable.”

“Well, I am afraid that you are just going to have to settle for being limited by whatever checks your grandfather put in place, because if Carlos is going to marry anyone, it’s going to be me,” Cecil replied furiously. Carlos blushed.

“Cecil! Do you, do you mean that?”

Cecil turned to Carlos and blushed lightly, “Of course. You’re my perfectly imperfect scientist and I love you and you love me. Who else would I marry?” Carlos smiled brilliantly and kissed Cecil, ignoring the other man in the room.

“Again, that was beautiful. I totally ship you guys, but Carlos and I will marry. Sorry, but not sorry. You guys can still be together after we marry, though. I won’t stand in the way of true love, after all,” Corin offers. “It will one of those marriages of convenience. I’ll have my affairs and dalliances while Carlos will have you.”

A beat of silence.

“Are you kidding me?!” Cecil explodes. “No! No, no, no, no, no! I will not be the side-bitch!”

“Look, I don’t understand what the issue is. Everyone wins if we go my way. I get my company and can fully enjoy all the powers that come with being the CEO of a company like Kakos, while you two get to be together. What’s the problem here?” Corin asked, appearing genuinely confused. “I’m being very generous here. I could have just kidnapped Carlos and forced him to marry me against his will, you know.”

“Are you-” Cecil turns to Carlos, “Is he serious?!” He turns back to Corin, “Do you even hear yourself speak?”

“Well, he has a point, as much as I hate to admit it. He could have easily kidnapped me, Cecil. If he is anything like his grandfather, which it is apparents he is, then this is actually very generous of him,” Carlos interjects. “I mean, do you even know what Kakos Industries is?”

“Well, no. But why does that even matter?”

“Kakos Industries is who Strexcorp would hire for consultation, Cecil. Kakos Industries’ slogan is ‘Do Evil Better’.”

“Carlos, you can’t be considering marrying this, this evil, sunglasses-wearing, boyfriend-stealing cad , can you?” Cecil pleads, looking at Carlos.

“Well, no. I’m sure there must be some kind of loophole in Corin Deeth I’s will. We just have to find a way to solve this,” reassured Carlos.

Corin looks at Carlos as if he were dumb. “Do you think I didn’t have my entire legal department comb through my grandfather’s will? I don’t exactly want to get married to you either, no matter how nice your hair is. But, you gotta do what you gotta do,” Corin shrugs. “It’s not like I believe in the sanctity of marriage, after all. It’s just a social construct.”

Carlos sighs and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, I don’t care. Just give me a copy of the will and Cecil and I will look over. We can discuss this further tomorrow. This conversation is going nowhere right now.”

“Fine by me,” Corin replies, nonchalant. “I have vacation days to use up anyway. I’ll email you a copy of the will.”

“Ugh, fine!” Cecil concedes.

“I’ll meet you both at your house tomorrow morning,” Corin states. He gets up to leave.

“Wait, I don’t want your presence tainting my home! We’ll meet at the Diner,” Cecil says.

“Do you really want to be discussing this in a public setting?” Corin questions, half-curious and half-sardonic.

“UGH! Fine ,” Cecil huffs. “Geez, I guess we needed to burn the place down, anyway .”

“Great! See you tomorrow!” Corin leaves, closing the door to Carlos yelp of alarm.

“Cecil! We are not burning our home down, just because of one person!”

“But Ca~rlos,” Cecil whines. Corin grins to himself.

‘What a cute couple,’ he thinks to himself. ‘I needed a new couple to ship anyway. Billy and Kara just haven’t been the same since they shot each other to death and were replaced with clones of themselves.’

Chapter Text

The drive home was silent and tense. Carlos studiously kept his eyes to the road while Cecil glared out the window, both refusing to even glance at each other. With Corin gone, another unfortunate obstacle to their love story, Cecil remembered his hurt and anger and feeling of betrayal at the revelation of Carlos’ engagement with another man, arranged or no. Carlos, on the other hand, felt weighed down with guilt while simultaneously feeling as if the weight of a terrible and heavy secret was relieved from his shoulders, mixing and churning with the stress and anxiety of the situation. He never thought the truth would come out this way. He was blindsided with the reappearance of his past...in addition to the sudden maturation - to him -of said past.

They parked in front of their home and exited the car, still in silence. Carlos’ tongue was burning with all of his unsaid apologies and pleas for forgiveness. But, he held his tongue. It was not yet time for that.

Cecil unlocked the door and they both drifted to the kitchen. Carlos sat at the kitchen table, fidgeting in discomfort and pure awkwardness as Cecil filled up the teapot and set it on the stove. He murmured a quiet chant to get the water boiling and pulled out the mugs and tea bags. Carlos made a face when he saw that Cecil had pulled out the cardamom tea bags, but kept silent, unwilling to further aggravate Cecil.

Once the water finished boiling, the Ancient Sumerian chant always got the fastest results, Cecil brought the mugs to the kitchen table and settled in the seat across from Carlos. He took a deep breath of the his tea before lowering his mug and meeting Carlos’ anxious gaze. “Explain.”

Carlos ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “God Cecil, you have no idea how sorry I am you found out like this, or that this is even a situation at all. I know that what I did, hiding such a huge secret, is unforgivable, but I hope that at the very at least, you’ll understand after my explanation.” He paused, giving Cecil a chance to reply if he wished and to gather his thoughts. Cecil remained silent, face unreadable. The only sign of his emotional turmoil were the tattoos on his writhing chaotically on his forearms and neck.

“Okay, so I started Kakos University when I was 16 years old, and met my best friend then. His name was Corin Deeth II, and he was my roommate. He ended up being my roommate for the next 4 years, in fact. But anyway, Corin was 2 years older than me, but he was still kind and patient with me, supporting me and encouraging me when the majority of my peers were jealous or apathetic to me.

“You have to understand though, that Corin was the outlier in his family. His father, Corin Deeth I, was the CEO of Kakos Industries, the company known for ‘Doing Evil Better’. Moreover, Corin Deeth I set the record; he was legendary for bringing Kakos Industries from the point of bankruptcy and transforming it into the number 1 company for villainy that it is today. And he hated his son, saw him as a disappointment. Of course, he hated me more. Saw me as too good of an influence and the one responsible for leading his only son and then-heir astray.

“You see, Corin and I...we were close. We were best friends and later became lovers. We were so in love and, in our naivety, we thought we could take on the world,” Carlos paused again. “We couldn’t. His father arranged a marriage for his son, giving him the ultimatum of obedience or my death. Of course, Corin agreed and married. But we still remained friends, though we couldn’t be together as we wished. So, to punish both of us, he engaged me to his then infant grandson. Of course, we weren’t informed of this until Corin Deeth III was 14 years old, which was about 2 years ago. By that time, Corin and I had formed a familial relationship. After all, his father was my best friend and I was essentially an uncle to the boy. No doubt that old bastard planned it that way, making the whole affair more unsavory than it would have been if we weren’t so close. I was already on the fence about coming here to Night Vale for a research expedition, but that cinched it for me. I refused to marry a 14 year old boy, a boy 20 years my junior, a boy I considered my nephew. So I left.

“I didn’t mean to fall in love with you. In fact, I resisted as best I could. While, I was no longer in love with Corin the II, I had given up on love by that time. Love had brought me nothing but trouble. And, to be honest, I couldn’t decide if you were mocking me or if you were trying to do some kind of love story gimmick for your radio show. But, falling in love with you, and continuing to love you each day, was and continues to be worth it. Your love, Cecil, your love is a gift. It taught to me to look at the world with new eyes and a new mindset, and I have never once regretted falling in love with you. Never. Nor have I ever loved anyone like I love you, Cecil.” Carlos said. He fell silent, fidgeting in his seat and waiting for Cecil’s response. Cecil just took another sip of his by-now cool tea. He no longer looked so unapproachable; the look in his eyes was thoughtful.

Finally, after a few moments, Cecil spoke. “I don’t know when I will be able to trust you again, Carlos.” Carlos deflated, a look of heartbreak starting to dim his expression. “But...but I still love you. And I’m willing to work with you until I can trust you again.” Carlos perked up, hope dawning in his eyes.

“Thank you, Cecil. Thank you so much,” Carlos began.

“This means no more secrets,” Cecil interrupted. Carlos nodded fervently, looking more like an overenthusiastic puppy than a scientist in that moment. Cecil softened. “I mean it Carlos. We need to communicate and be open and honest with each other if we want our relationship to survive. I love you very much, so much that I waited for an entire year for you return home from the Otherworld, but if we can’t trust each other...”

“Of course, Cecil!” Carlos replied. “Seriously, thank you for giving me another chance. I love you so much, and I really did mean to tell you about this. I just...I didn’t realize that there was such a large temporal disparity and that someone would come looking for me. I thought I had time to tell you all of this in my own time. And honestly, I figured I would die before it would ever become an issue.” Carlos continued earnestly and sincerely. “I know that there is no excuse, not really, but please know that I never meant to keep this a secret from you.”

“I believe you Carlos. I know you didn’t hide this intentionally out of malicious intent, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel hurt and betrayed and that I was unaware of such an important part of who you are, of your history. But Carlos,” Cecil said, reaching across the table and grasping Carlos’ hands. “I need to be able to trust you. There is nothing else that you’re hiding is there? Like any extraneous body parts, or children hidden away somewhere in this world, or diabolical plans for world domination and/or destruction?”

“No, no nothing like that. My biggest secret was revealed today due to Corin,” Carlos reassured.

Cecil nodded slowly, “Okay, if you say so.” Carlos finally relaxed and sipped at his tea, wincing at the taste. Cecil caught his wince of distaste and gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t like cardamom tea. I guess I was just feeling a bit...passive-aggressive.”

“It’s okay, it’s the least I deserve,” Carlos reassured with a smile. “So...are we okay?”

“I think so. Or rather, I think we will be.”

“Good. That’s good,” said Carlos. “Well, I’m going to check my email and see if Corin sent us a copy of the will yet. Hopefully, we can find some loophole or something that can get me out of this engagement.”

“Okay, go and get your laptop. I’ll help you look through the contract. After all, I earned my Legal Manipulation badge when I was 13, and completed my mandatory Legalese course before I started working at NVCR.” Carlos nodded and left left the kitchen to hunt down his laptop, which was buried under some papers on the coffee table in the living room. He returned a few minutes later, the laptop already powering up. This time, he took a seat next to Cecil and placed the laptop on the kitchen table between them.

After a short chant and a whining, reluctant noise from his laptop, the web browser opened to his email. He found the email with the subject title: “Gramp’s living will”. He opened the email to find a simple message of, “Good luck.” The document in question ended up being 29 pages long, single spaced in size 10 font.

“Of course. Because nothing can ever be easy for us,” muttered Carlos.

“Nothing that’s worthwhile is easy,” murmured Cecil. “And you, my dear Carlos, are definitely worth it. You’re worth 10 years in the desert and 1,000 pages of Legalese.”

“Aw, that was so sweet, darling.”

“I try,” said Cecil smugly.

“Okay, let’s not get cocky now Cecil.” That earned Carlos a teasing look from Cecil. Cecil was about to reply when Carlos cut him off, flustered. “Nevermind, let’s just get down to business. The sooner we start, the sooner we’re done.”

Cecil raised his hands in innocence, “I didn’t say a thing.”

“No, but you were going to.”

“Oh, look who’s a psychic all of a sudden.”

“I don’t have to be psychic to know what you were going to say. Your face said it all.”

“Whatever, Mr. I-have-a-secret-fiancé-who-happens-to-be-CEO-of-a-evil-and-menacing-company.” Carlos had nothing to say in response.

Chapter Text

“I, Corin Deeth I, residing at 57 Duclois Way, Morristown, Arizona; and being of sound mind and memory, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my last will and testament, thereby revoking and making null and void any and all wills and codicils heretofore made by me. All references herein to “this Will” refer only to this last will and testament.” The will starts. Carlos silently scrolls through the first few pages detailing former CEOs family, the funeral expenses, payment of debt, and Corin Deeth I’s personal wishes and/or requirements for both his funeral and wake.

“Wow, this guy seems like a real micro-managing jerk,” commented Cecil. Carlos gave him a deadpan look.

“Yes, because that’s what I’m so concerned about: his controlling, micromanaging habits.”

“Well you should be!” Cecil retorted. “After all, he put in so many clauses and details on first section alone, then imagine how many clauses and requirements he put on his grandson’s inheritance and on your engagement!”

“...I see your point.”

“I wish time travel were legal so I could go back and throw this man into the Pit before he has a chance to write this will,” Cecil grumbled. He brightens and turns to Carlos, “Hey, do you think the SSP would give us special dispensation to time travel? It’s for the greater good! Well, for our greater good at least.”

Before Carlos could answer, Cecil turned to the open kitchen window. “Psst, Jordan? What do you think?”

A balaclava-covered head popped into sight. “Sorry to say, sir, but I don’t think the Council or SSP would allow that. You could still try, though. It never hurts to ask. Except when it does.”

“Aww, okay, thanks Jordan. I’ll get form 51 done, ASAP then. I’d rather try and get my request rejected rather than not try and regret it for the rest of my days,” Cecil said, semi-sensibly. Jordan nodded and popped back out of view.

“Okay, let’s re-focus here,” Carlos said. He finally got to “ALTERNATE REMAINDER BENEFICIARIES”. It reads:

[“ ALTERNATE REMAINDER BENEFICIARIES

If my mouth does not survive me, I give to the persons named below (my “Alternate Remainder Beneficiaries”), all of the residue and remainder of my gross estate, real and personal, wherever situated, after payment of all my just debts, expenses, taxes and specific bequests, if any, in the percentages set forth below. Unless otherwise indicated in my Will, these shares shall be distributed outright and free of trust.  

1. Name: Corin Deeth II
   Relation: Son
   Percentage: 10%
   
   If such beneficiary does not survive me, I direct that the share of my estate allocated to said beneficiary be distributed to: Corin Deeth III.
   
   
2. Analise Deeth
   Relation: Daughter
   Percentage: 15%
   
   If such beneficiary does not survive me, I direct that the share of my estate allocated to such beneficiary be distributed to: Corin Deeth III.
   
   
3. Name: Corin Deeth III
   Relation: Grandson
   Percentage: 75%
   
   If such beneficiary does not survive me, I direct that the share of my estate allocated to such beneficiary be distributed to: James William Deeth."]

...

["TESTAMENTARY TRUST

Allocation of Trust Estate

Notwithstanding any other provision of this Will to the contrary, I direct that the share(s) of my estate allocated to the beneficiary(ies) designated below be held in trust and administered and distributed in accordance with the terms of this “Testamentary Trust” clause as set forth below

1. That share of my estate given to Analise Deeth will be held in trust until: Analise Deeth is (a) 25 years old, (b) married with a man of my choosing, and (c) with at least 1 male child to continue the Deeth Legacy.
   
   
2. One half of the share of my estate given to Corin Deeth II will be distributed outright and free of trust when Corin Deeth II reaches 35 years of age. The remainder of the share will be distributed outright and free of trust when Corin Deeth II has earned an additional degree of my choosing from Kakos University.
   
   
3. One third of the share of my estate given to Corin Deeth III will be distributed outright and free of trust when Corin Deeth III reaches 21 years of age. One third of the remainder of the share will be distributed outright and free of trust when Corin Deeth the II reaches 25 years of age and earned a degree of my choosing from Kakos University. One half of the remainder of the share will be distributed outright and free of trust when Corin Deeth III reaches (a) 30 years of age, (b) married Carlos Santiago Estrada y Ortega de Lebrón, (c) consummated said marriage as witnessed and notarized by one government official, one personal witness, and one Kakos Industries employee, and (d) have remained married for a minimum of 1 year. The remainder of the share will be distributed outright and free of trust when Corin Deeth III and Carlos Santiago Estrada y Ortega de Lebrón have (a) remained married and lived in the same residence for a minimum of 7 years with, at minimum, witnessed monthly conjugal acts, and (b) adopted at least one male child of Deeth blood to be appointed Corin Deeth III’s heir. Any prior contracts, betrothals, engagements, and marriages between Corin Deeth III and/or Carlos Santiago Estrada y Ortega de Lebrón with other persons will be made null and void voluntarily by the persons involved or involuntarily by the full power and influence of Kakos Industries and all its subsidiaries at least 1 month prior to the joining of Corin Deeth III and Carlos Santiago Estrada y Ortega de Lebrón.”]

...

They both stare at that last paragraph. “Well,” Cecil started, “That seems unfortunately comprehensive and detailed. I didn’t even need to use my background in Legalese to decipher this!”

“Well, the First may have been pretentious, but he was also a very canny man.”

“Let’s not give up hope, dear Carlos! We will find a way out of this,” Cecil said, half-confident and half-desperate. “Though...I suppose it would be best to go over this with that man .” Cecil spit out the last two words as if the mere allusion to Corin Deeth III would bring upon the End of Days, which wasn’t too inaccurate in Cecil’s point of view.

“Yeah, you’re right. I wish you weren’t, but you are,” conceded Carlos. He pulled out his phone and sent Corin a text with a request to come over and brainstorm with them. He included their address. “None of the science in all of the world is going to make this meeting any easier.”

Cecil gave Carlos a kiss. “Don’t worry, lovely Carlos, I’ll protect you from the grasping reach of that...that scoundrel . As will the SSP. No one interferes with Night Vale residents and gets away with it. No one. ”

Carlos smiled, no longer unnerved by Cecil’s menacing radio Voice as he once was. “Aw, thanks babe, but I can take care of myself you know. After all, the third thing a scientist is is self-sufficient.”

“Not anymore~!” Cecil sing-songed. “You have me now~.”

“Yes, and I thank you for it. And, thanks to the SSP for all of their hard work protecting the residents of Night Vale and their interests,” Carlos said, raising his voice so their assigned personal SSP officers could hear him.

A muffled, “Of course, Doc,” is heard from the vicinity of their ceiling fan. Both studiously ignored the reply.

“Well, we have some time before that boyfriend-stealing cad shows up here and ruins the rest of our day with his foul presence. Again. We should make the most of our time together and pre-emptively unwind, don’t you think?” Cecil asked, suggestively raising his brow.

“Hmm,” Carlos hummed. “I don’t know, I don’t want you to get too worked up before he comes,” he replied coyly.

“Well, we’ll just have to be sure to finish before he comes. Besides, he could do with a lesson on who you belong to.”

“‘Belong to’?” Carlos asks. “Don’t you think that’s a bit...presumptuous, Mr. Palmer?”

“Nope, I’m presuming exactly as much as I should. You belong to me as I belong to you. And I’ll make sure both you and he know it,” came Cecil’s reply, before he pushed Carlos back into his chair and plopped down into his lap. And that was that.