Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kageyama stared down at his milk carton. Sometimes when the other first years on the team invited him to lunch, his food would get stuck in his throat when he tried to swallow. He was too nervous to eat, but drinking milk was okay.

Hinata babbled on. “Natsu’s just so annoying sometimes. Everyone comes over and is like, ‘But oh, she’s so cute!’ and, well... yeah, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like pushing all my buttons, you know? I mean, this is the third time she stole my blue furoshiki, so I had to wrap my bento with her stupid cat one!”

Kageyama’s hands knotted up in the bottom hem of his shorts. “Little sisters are the worst,” he tried.

Hinata’s nose scrunched up, and Kageyama’s stomach threatened to tie itself in knots. That had been the wrong thing to say. “Well, she’s not the worst,” Hinata corrected. Kageyama felt stupid for speaking up.

“She’s just seven. All seven-year-olds are a little annoying,” Yamaguchi reasoned. Hinata’s shoulder brushed against Kageyama’s as he brightened up next to him.

“Yeah! You get it! It’s just... I don’t know, maybe it’ll be better when she’s a teenager,” he said. He looked happy while talking to Yamaguchi.

He never looked happy while talking to Kageyama.

“For the record, I was never annoying,” Tsukishima said, “Even when I was seven.”

“Maybe you never were before, but you certainly are now,” Yamaguchi teased. Tsukishima kicked up dirt in Yamaguchi’s direction, and Hinata laughed. Meanwhile, Kageyama’s fingers tightened their hold on the bottom hem of his pants. “Sorry, Tsukki!”

Kageyama pressed his lips together in a thin line. He didn’t speak up for the rest of lunch.

Kageyama didn’t talk much in the clubroom. Sometimes Hinata distracted him with a stupid argument. Sometimes the upperclassmen asked him questions about how he was doing or his interests outside of volleyball.

Mostly, however, Kageyama stayed quiet and kept his head down.

“Ka-ge-ya-ma!” Hinata sang, poking Kageyama’s bare hip as he changed into a fresh t-shirt. Kageyama batted his hand away. “We’re going out for meat buns after practice!”

“Who is ‘we’?” Kageyama asked.

Hinata clasped his hands behind his back and tilted his head up at him cutely. “Me, Tanaka, Nishinoya, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi-“

“No,” Kageyama said, zipping his bag closed with finality. He didn’t dare look at the pout on Hinata’s face. He always looked sad when Kageyama said he wouldn’t go out with the rest of the team, but that’s how you were supposed to look when someone declined an invitation. It was the polite thing to do.

Kageyama knew that if he said yes to meat buns, no one would want him there. It was better to let everyone else have fun. He knew he made people uneasy when they tried to talk to him.

“Aw, but Tobioooooo-“

“Stop,” Kageyama said, throwing his bag over his shoulder. Hinata liked using his first name to make him do things he didn’t want to do. Kageyama wasn’t going to let it convince him anymore.

Hinata whined and stomped one of his outrageously tiny feet. “Please? Come on, you never hang out with m- I mean, us!”

“No,” Kageyama said again, his heart lodging into his throat. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like having to speak so loudly in front of the whole team. He felt like everyone’s eyes were glued on him as he and Hinata argued.

He threw his bag over his shoulder and left the clubroom before Hinata could complain anymore. He slammed the door closed behind him. His hands weren’t shaking, but they weren’t exactly steady either. Kageyama clutched the strap to his gym bag close to his chest.

He wondered what everyone was saying about him now that he was out of the room.

“Okay, everyone partner up for crunches!” Daichi announced. Their captain was always brutal on their abs on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Those were the days they focused more on conditioning than their skills on the court.

Kageyama collapsed out of the plank he had been holding. He wished he could hold his own ankles while he did sit ups. He wished he could do everything by himself.

“Ryu, partner up with me!” Nishinoya demanded, his voice loud in Kageyama’s ear as he reached out for Tanaka. However, Tanaka brushed him off and threw an arm around Kageyama’s shoulders.

“Actually, today I think I’m going to do my precious kouhai a favor and let him partner up with his senpai,” Tanaka said. Kageyama blinked. “What do you say, Kageyama? Partners?”

Kageyama shied away a little and looked off to the opposite side of the room. He was worried agreeing might make him look stupid. Fortunately, Tanaka took his silence as a yes and Kageyama ended up holding his ankles while Daichi stood over them with a timer.

On Daichi’s count, half the team started doing sit ups, while the other half held their feet down. They were supposed to do as many sit ups as they could within two minutes.

Kageyama found that he could barely touch Tanaka’s ankles. Instead, he held the top of his shoes, awkwardly staring down at the other boy’s shoelaces. Every time Tanaka sat up, their faces were inches apart, and it made Kageyama feel so unbelievably uncomfortable.

He didn’t like touching anyone; he didn’t like being close to other people. But more than that, he hated people looking at him, and Tanaka’s face was so close to his own.

Kageyama was sweaty and gross. There were so many reasons to judge him right now. In middle school, kids would snicker, making fun of his low-set eyebrows and dark skin. He didn’t want Tanaka to be so close to his imperfections.

Kageyama let go of Tanaka’s sneakers.

“Hey... Kags... I’m on a roll... Over here...” Tanaka puffed out, still doing crunches with his feet nearly leaving the floor with every exertion. Kageyama buried his face in his elbows.

A strong hand wrapped around his shoulder, and Kageyama had to bite his lip to keep from flinching away. “Hey, Kageyama,” Daichi said somewhere near his ear. “Are you okay?”

Kageyama nodded behind his arms, trying to remember that he had a place on this team. He was their starting setter. He was useful. Maybe he wasn’t a great conversationalist, and maybe he wasn’t very likable, but he knew he could play volleyball well.

Kageyama felt like it was safe to say he was a six out of ten. He didn’t belong here. He didn’t fit in, but he also wasn’t the ugly monster he sometimes felt like he was. He could hold Tanaka’s ankles while he did sit ups for two minutes, and he could do it without messing up.

“Are you sure?” Daichi asked when Kageyama stayed hidden behind his arms.

Kageyama frowned. “I think... I think I’m not feeling well,” he said, lowering his arms slowly, only for his vision to be filled with pale skin and orange hair.

“I’ll take him to the nurse!” Hinata volunteered, throwing one arm up in the air. The elbow on his raised arm was completely straight and his fingers twitched excitedly.

Kageyama stood up. “No, I’m okay. I’ll go alone.”

“But-“

“I said no,” Kageyama interrupted. He didn’t want Hinata following him. After all, he didn’t need the nurse; he just needed a break. A couple laps around the school, and he knew he would be ready for whatever kind of training Daichi threw at him.

However, Hinata was stubborn. Kageyama watched the other boy fix his jaw and knew the argument would be over soon. “You can’t do everything alone, Kageyama!”

Kageyama felt like throwing up. “God, okay, fine. Come with me, I don’t care, but I’m not waiting for you,” he said. He stood up and walked away, leaving Hinata in his wake. He didn’t even bother to wait for permission from Daichi to leave.

Within moments, Hinata was on his heels, but Kageyama didn’t pay him any attention. He was walking so fast, Hinata had to run to keep up. The middle-blocker was so focused on keeping pace with Kageyama’s long strides, that he stayed silent on the walk to the nurse’s office.

“Okay, you walked me here,” Kageyama said when the reached the door. “Bye.”

“Wait!” Hinata yelped, his eyes wide and worried.

Kageyama gripped at the sleeves to his sweatshirt. “What?” he asked, worried that Hinata would be able to see how panicked he felt. He tried to keep his expression schooled into something neutral.

“Are you sure you’re just feeling sick? Because you’re always so awkward, it just kind of seems like-“

“Hinata, have you ever thought about not being awful for like... two minutes?” he said, not willing to hear whatever the other boy had to say.

Kageyama didn’t trust very many people –or anyone, really- but he usually valued what Hinata had to say. However, he wasn’t going to talk to him about this.

Kageyama wouldn’t talk to anyone about this.

Hinata’s face screwed up but he didn’t finish his sentence, which was weird for him. Maybe he was actually taking this seriously. “I... Fine. Just come back to practice soon,” Hinata said, his eyes fixed into that weird look he put on whenever he was especially determined about something. Kageyama didn’t like having it directed at him.

“Whatever, dumbass,” Kageyama sighed, trying to seem aloof. He’d rather sound distant and conceited than let anyone see how terrified he was.

He ducked into the nurse’s office and started lying his ass off about an upset stomach.

(Although, honestly, Kageyama did feel kind of nauseous.)

“And so then I said, shut up! You don’t get to talk about Asahi like that! You don’t know him; you don’t know why he’s nervous. Everything he feels is totally valid, who are you to say otherwise-“

Kageyama stood up abruptly, making Nishinoya lose his place in his story. Suga arched an eyebrow. “Kageyama, is everything alright?”

“Yeah, it’s just... I have to be up early tomorrow, so I think it’s best that I head out now. Before it gets dark,” he said, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. He couldn’t make eye contact with any of his teammates.

Tanaka had invited everyone over to his house to hang out after Saturday morning practice. And while it was fun to see Asahi blush while Nishinoya defended his honor, Kageyama couldn’t help but feel like everyone would be better off if he wasn’t there. Like maybe everyone would laugh more without him sucking the air out of the room.

“Are you sure?” Yamaguchi asked.

Kageyama pointedly avoided looking in Hinata’s direction, knowing full well that he was probably pouting. If Yamaguchi seemed upset that he was leaving, then Hinata was probably even worse off. “Yeah.”

“Well, do you need a ride home?” Daichi asked. “The sun hasn’t gone down yet, but it’s still not safe to be on your own this late.”

Kageyama blushed and looked down at his hands. They were busy tugging anxiously at the bottom of his t-shirt. “I’ll be okay.”

“At least let me walk you out!” Hinata offered, speaking up. He was so loud. He made himself so hard for Kageyama to ignore.

“I’m fine,” Kageyama said sharply, gathering his things. He ran a hand over his face, unable to shake the feeling of exhaustion settling into his bones. Being around people like this... It was so draining for him. It was hard to be a six in a room full of nines and tens. He nodded at everyone before he left the room. “I’ll see you all on Monday.”

When Kageyama got home, he wrapped himself in his blankets with his laptop and headphones. He watched movies until well past midnight.

Kageyama didn’t have anywhere to be the next morning. It was just easier to say he had to go to bed early than to stay in a room crowded full of people.

Kageyama kept his head bent down into his workbook as his teacher lectured at the front of the room. He pulled up on his belt loops for the third time in as many minutes, making sure his stomach was tucked into his pants as he curled over his desk. His nose was so close to his book, it almost brushed the pages as he flipped them.

It made him anxious to be in a room where so many other people could see him. Kageyama knew he wasn’t attractive. He knew he wasn’t nice, that he was selfish. Those things didn’t bother him.

What bothered him was everyone else finding out.

In middle school, everyone used to talk about him behind his back. They were polite enough to his face, but they were cruel behind closed doors. Kageyama didn’t want anyone to talk about him that way anymore. He preferred to hide and go unnoticed.

His teacher started explaining differential equations, and Kageyama felt his stomach flip flop. He didn’t understand math very well. Sometimes Kageyama wanted to raise his hands and ask questions, but the idea of drawing that much attention to himself...

Kageyama hid his ugly face a little further into his workbook. His heart started beating wildly against his ribcage at the very thought of speaking up, and Kageyama blinked back tears. He didn’t want everyone looking at him. He didn’t want everyone hearing his question and thinking him stupid or ill spoken. What if he tried to talk and stammered?

Kageyama buried his face in his elbow. He only bothered to look up with he heard the sound of something landing on his desk.

He peeked out over his sleeve, finding a folded up piece of paper balancing on the spine of his history textbook. Kageyama reached for it tentatively and opened it up. Inside, he found Hinata’s messy kanji.

I know math is hard, but don’t look so upset about it!
-Hinata

Kageyama crumpled up the note angrily. Hinata had to push his buttons at all the worst moments.

He went back to struggling through math problems, but his shoulders stayed just as hunched over. A few minutes later, another note landed on his desk, but Kageyama saw it coming this time. He huffed out a sigh.

You look so sad!
Cheer up!
-Hinata

Kageyama stared at the note blankly for a moment, his hands tightening on the edges of the paper. Hinata had drawn little stars with a yellow glitter gel pen all over the page.

Inexplicably, Kageyama felt tears spring into his eyes. He inhaled sharply, and crumpled up this note too, stuffing it into the bottom of his school bag. He didn’t know what about it made him so upset, but he wasn’t ready to think about it yet.

He turned around to glare at Hinata, his eyes narrowing further at the hurt expression on Hinata’s face. However, when he turned back to face the front of the class, he felt sick. Why did he have to make everyone feel so uncomfortable?

At lunch, Kageyama slipped out of the room. He thought about maybe eating with some of his classmates, but one of the boys in his class saw his eyes flickering between him and the empty chair next to him, and he immediately turned his back on Kageyama to talk to his friends.

Kageyama knew when he wasn’t wanted.

Kageyama kept Hinata’s note balled up in his fist. He was confident the gel pen wouldn’t smear off on his hand, and it was small enough to go unnoticed by anyone he passed by. The message still made him feel like crying, but in a good way.

It was... nice that Hinata went to the effort to write it for him. Kageyama tried to focus on that as he ate his lunch instead of the boy who had turned his back on him.

He ate up on the roof of the school, even if that wasn’t technically allowed. The wind tussled his hair, and the rice his mom packed him had just the right amount of seasoning on it. The little stars on Hinata’s note made sparks shoot up his arm.

Today was one of Kageyama’s good days.

Ukai clapped his hands, and everyone switched from stretching their right leg to stretching their left. Hinata –per usual- was talking through his stretches, chattering to anyone who would listen.

“It wasn’t exactly a bad movie, like the acting was okay, and the aliens were so cool, but I had no idea what was going on,” he complained.

Tsukishima snickered. “You never know what’s going on.”

“Hey!” Kageyama said, a little too angry for the situation. “Don’t talk to him like that!”

The gym went quiet, and Kageyama’s face and neck heated up. Even his ears felt warm, and he was thankful when Ukai clapped again and everyone folded up into pigeon floor.

That had been wrong.

For some reason, Nishinoya could angrily defend Asahi, and Tanaka could angrily defend their team to their competition, but Kageyama standing up for Hinata had been wrong. It was moments like these that reminded Kageyama why he didn’t talk much. He always said the wrong things.

He started to hyperventilate. His breathing had been heavy from running around during their last scrimmage, but now it was wildly out of control.

He was still embarrassed and anxious when Ukai dismissed them from the gym. Never before had Kageyama been so thankful that it was the second years’ turn to clean the gym. All he wanted to do was grab his things, go home, and forget he had ever been so awkward.

Unfortunately, Hinata latched onto his arm before he could make it off school grounds. “Hey!” he chirped, like Kageyama hadn’t just humiliated himself. “Thanks for standing up for me! Tsukishima tells me I’m dumb a little too often, you know?” he said.

Kageyama grunted, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t trust himself not to screw up again.

Hinata didn’t let go of his arm, and Kageyama was forced to slow his pace so his short little legs could keep up. He was so small; his head was lower than Kageyama’s shoulder. With him being so tiny, it gave him the illusion of being someone safe, even if Kageyama knew he had the potential to be just as ruthless as everyone else.

What must he say behind Kageyama’s back?

When Kageyama stayed silent, Hinata spoke up again. ““Hey, you know... I know you don’t like big parties, but maybe we could hang out sometime. Just you and me,” he suggested.

Kageyama’s face turned red all over again. Maybe he should have talked. He would have done anything to avoid hearing Hinata say something like that. “You need to stop touching me, and you need to stop talking.”

Hinata nearly fell flat on his face –the force of Kageyama shaking him off almost knocking him over- and he made a squawking sound. “Hey!” he squeaked. “What’s wrong?”

“You don’t know what you’re asking,” Kageyama said.

“Yeah, I do! I’m asking you to hang out as a friend. Don’t make it weird, Bakeyama!” he demanded, jumping on Kageyama’s back before Kageyama could see him coming. He felt the wind get knocked out of him as Hinata’s legs wrapped tightly around his waist.

“Hinata!”

“Just agree to hang out with me!”

“No!”

“Come on!”

“No!”

“Come on!”

“No!” Kageyama shouted, throwing Hinata off his back in a panic. He hardly even registered Hinata’s body hitting the ground, all he could think about was the way his skin burned everywhere Hinata had touched him. He tugged at his jacket sleeves, shifting from foot to foot anxiously.

Hinata sat up gingerly, his hand reaching for the shoulder he had fallen on. He looked shocked, like he couldn’t believe Kageyama had hurt him, even though he’d hurt him so many times before.

He watched as Hinata’s face crumbled like a little kid who had just scraped their knee.

Once again, Kageyama felt the wind get knocked out of him, but for entirely different reasons. A six out of ten felt generous right now. Frankly, Kageyama had never felt worse.

Hinata’s voice was high pitched and scared when he spoke. “Kageyama-“

“I’m sorry,” Kageyama broke in, turning before Hinata could finish. “I’m really sorry.”

And with that, he took off in a run.

Kageyama kept silent as his teammates bickered on the bus. They were on the way home from a practice match with Fukurodani. Hinata had been as bright and bubbly as ever, talking animatedly with Bokuto and Akaashi.

Meanwhile, Kageyama had been a wallflower.

He hadn’t felt like he could speak up around the team since his last outburst. Normally, Kageyama didn’t feel safe when he opened his mouth, but lately, he didn’t even bother to try.

“But like... you can keep saying soda is the best, but you can’t tell me why. And it’s because you’re totally biased! Peach is the best popsicle flavor, and if you had it, you would know!” Asahi said, riled up for maybe the first time in his entire life. Nishinoya looked proud at his side.

“Of course I haven’t had peach. Why would I have peach, when I could have soda?” Daichi replied, a confused look on his face.

Suga snickered in his seat next to Kageyama. He elbowed him in the side. “What do you think, Kageyama?” he asked. “What’s your favorite flavor?” he asked.

Kageyama blinked, words getting stuck in his throat.

I know that you don’t want me here. I know you all wish I wasn’t on this team. I’m good at volleyball, so I’m here, but I’m so awful to talk to. None of you want to be talking to me; none of you want to be with me.

Everyone looked at him expectantly. The air around them grew more and more tense as Kageyama found himself unable to speak up. He didn’t want to pick the wrong flavor and make everything more awkward between him and the team. He didn’t want to let anyone down.

“He likes kiwi!” Hinata spoke up, popping up from his seat behind Kageyama and clapping him on the shoulder. Kageyama flinched.

He hadn’t spoken to –much less looked at- Hinata ever since he had hurt him on their walk home the other day. There was still a yellowing bruise on Hinata’s shoulder from when he had hit the ground, and every time he threw out his left arm to spike a bad toss, he winced in pain.

He didn’t deserve Hinata swooping in to save him from an awkward social situation.

“I... I do like kiwi,” he stammered, feeling like he should at least try to speak for himself to pay Hinata back. Hinata beamed at him encouragingly, but Kageyama knew he had made things weird, and he knew it.

He made everyone so uneasy.

Asahi sighed, looking resigned. “Kiwi is all right, I guess...” he agreed before whipping around to face Daichi. “But you’re not graduating without me shoving a peach popsicle down your throat! With all the shit you force me into, you have to do at least this to make it up to me!”

Daichi rolled his eyes. “No, see, the difference is, I make you do things that are actually good for you, like leaving your house and talking to strangers,” he said. “Eating a peach popsicle isn’t good for anybody.”

Asahi made an offended noise, and just like that, the awkward moment was blown over. Kageyama shrunk down in his seat.

He looked out the window, trying to turn himself invisible. The sooner they got home, the better.

“Ka-ge-ya-ma!” Hinata sang, just like always. Kageyama tensed. He pressed his lips into a tight line, not trusting himself to speak up. He tugged awkwardly on the bottom hem of his shorts as Hinata pressed up against him.

Ukai had just blown the whistle to give them all a break. Kageyama’s water bottle was resting in his lap. When he wasn’t tugging on his clothes, he was snapping the top to the bottle open and closed to make use of his antsy fingers.

Apparently, Hinata had forgiven him for whatever had happened between them earlier. He was back to pestering Kageyama at every waking moment, and he didn’t know what to do about it. Didn’t he understand that Kageyama needed time alone?

“What is it now?” he asked, taking a long drink.

Hinata rubbed his cheek up against Kageyama’s shoulder. “You’re moping. What’s wrong?” he asked.

Kageyama breathed in sharply. He had thought he had done a good job of keeping his feelings to himself, but Hinata was always good at telling when he was panicked or uncomfortable.

He didn’t want Hinata to know when he was nervous. He wanted Hinata to think well of him.

“Nothing,” he muttered.

Hinata sighed and threw himself onto the ground. “You’re such an idiot sometimes, Kageyama. Why won’t you just let me be nice to you?”

Kageyama stilled, his hands not moving for once. Why wouldn’t he let Hinata be nice to him? He always pushed him away and tried to keep up a front, but honestly, Hinata only had to look at Kageyama to know he was a mess. He was ugly and awkward and terrible.

What was the point in lying about it?

“Sorry,” he apologized, and Hinata sat up on his elbows.

“I mean, you don’t have to be, I was just frustrated,” Hinata admitted. Kageyama didn’t answer; he just stared at his toes. Hinata seemed to take this as a reason to keep talking. “I feel like... I feel like maybe you’re not doing so well, but you don’t ever talk about it.”

“I mean... I guess,” Kageyama agreed.

“Yeah?” Hinata asked.

“Yeah.”

A beat of silence passed between them, and Kageyama couldn’t help but squirm. He never knew what to do when Hinata was quiet. He wasn’t good at breaking silences. Eventually, Hinata reached out to pat his back. “Okay... Well, when you’re ready to talk about it, we’ll talk about it, okay?”

Kageyama floundered or a minute, his mouth gaping like a fish. “Oh, um... Um, okay,” he agreed, earning a massive smile from Hinata. It always made something warm blossom through his chest whenever Hinata beamed at him like that.

“Okay!” he cheered, before throwing himself onto his feet. “Race you to the court!”

Kageyama blinked but was up and running in a second. He may be socially inept, but he was also competitive. Hinata wasn’t allowed to beat him. Not ever.

Kageyama locked himself up in a bathroom stall, breathing heavy. His teacher had called on him to answer a math question at the board, but after ten minutes of standing there frozen, she had agreed to give him the bathroom pass so he could sneak away without finishing the equation.

He couldn’t decide what was worse: the cumulative embarrassment of raising his hand to ask questions in class or the humiliation of getting caught at the board with no idea how to solve the problem.

Right now, getting stuck at the board felt worse.

Kageyama let his head fall against the door to the stall. His throat felt clogged, and Kageyama panicked when he realized he couldn’t stop himself from crying.

His breathing became erratic as he tried to keep quiet. Tears rolled down his cheeks. He had never felt so stupid; he had never felt so ugly. Everyone’s eyes had been on him, everyone had seen.

A sudden knock on his stall door made Kageyama squeak.

He scrambled back from the door, almost tripping on the squat toilet built into the floor. There was another knock on the door. “Kageyama? It’s me... Sensei gave me the other bathroom pass.” Hinata’s voice carried through though the metal door.

Kageyama didn’t know what to do. Hinata had caught him crying, and Kageyama didn’t know how to handle it. He stayed frozen, and Hinata knocked on the door again.

“Don’t be embarrassed, Kageyama. I already heard you crying, just let me in,” he said. When Kageyama didn’t move to open the door, Hinata spoke up again. “To-bi-o,” he sang.

Fuck, Kageyama told himself he wouldn’t let Hinata convince him by using his first name anymore.

Kageyama unlocked the door. He dragged Hinata into the stall before the other boy could speak, and he all but curled inward on himself so he could hug Hinata close against him. He was so anxious. God, he was so anxious.

“Hey, hey, hey... You’re okay,” Hinata said, rubbing his back a little.

Kageyama choked into Hinata’s shoulder. He must look so ugly like this: a snotty crying mess. He was humiliated that Hinata was there to see him come undone, but frankly, Kageyama needed a hug, and Hinata was the only one he trusted enough to do it. “E-everyone must think I’m so stupid,” he sobbed.

Hinata shushed him. “I’m sure no one thinks that. Everyone knows you’re nervous. You just had a little stage-fright, they’ll understand that,” he promised.

“But I am stupid,” Kageyama hiccupped, unable to hide his tears away. He hugged Hinata tighter, the shorter boy’s feet barely brushing the floor. “I have no idea how to do that problem.”

“You’re not stupid,” Hinata promised. He had a hand tangled in Kageyama’s hair, cradling the back of his head. Kageyama hadn’t even registered his hands moving, but he liked Hinata holding him like this.

“But I am,” he argued again. “I can’t... I can’t even talk to people, I’m so-“

“Hey, stop it,” Hinata demanded, using one of his dangling feet to kick Kageyama in the shin. “It’s okay that you’re nervous. You’re talking to a guy who throws up before every volleyball match. Don’t feel stupid just because some things are harder for you than they are for harder people. Everyone gets scared.”

Kageyama’s bottom lip wobbled.

Hinata sighed and started playing absentmindedly with the hair at the nape of Kageyama’s neck. “You’re okay, Kageyama. Don’t be embarrassed. You’re okay.”

Hinata’s hand stayed tightly interlaced with Kageyama’s. “You know, once, I ate a whole chili pepper on a dare, and I was too embarrassed to ask for milk to cool my mouth down, and I ended up throwing up on my friend Kouji’s kitchen floor.”

Kageyama hummed.

“And once, I fell asleep in class, and drooled so much that it dripped off my desk, and my teacher slipped in the puddle when she came over to wake me up.”

“Ew.”

“Also, this other time, I went tubing with Izumi, and when my tube flipped, the water pulled my swimsuit down, and I was totally naked. They had to pull me up on the boat and wrap me up in a towel before we got to shore.”

“What the hell, Hinata.”

Hinata laughed and swung their hands together between their bodies. “See! There are much more embarrassing things than not getting a question right at the board. Don’t feel so bad about it,” he said.

Kageyama had been stressed about the white board incident all through practice, but Hinata was using their walk home together to try to cheer him up. Kageyama didn’t want to admit it, but hearing all of Hinata’s embarrassing stories was actually helping.

“You know, I feel like half of this wouldn’t happen to a normal person: only you,” Kageyama said.

Hinata shrugged, but didn’t argue. Instead, he gave Kageyama’s hand a couple squeezes in quick succession. Kageyama arched an eyebrow, and Hinata held his hands up in surrender. “Hey, I’m just trying to make you smile, okay?” Hinata said with a wince.

Kageyama bit his bottom lip, feeling touched.

He thought about the note Hinata sent him with the glittery yellow stars. He thought about when Hinata offered to hang out just the two of them, and how stressful that had sounded at first, but how manageable it sounded now.

Kageyama took a deep breath. “You know... maybe we could do that thing you said before.”

Hinata’s eyebrows scrunched together. “What thing?”

“The thing where we...” Kageyama trailed off. “Where we hang out: just us? I feel like... I feel like maybe that could be okay. I feel like maybe I could do that.”

Hinata bounced at least two feet in the air. “Really?” he asked, as excited as excited could be. It made a blush prickle at Kageyama’s cheeks.

“Yeah, just... I don’t know. Don’t make a big deal about it. And don’t make me talk to you, like let’s watch a movie or play a video game or something,” he said grumpily, but the smile stayed stuck on Hinata’s face.

“Don’t worry, Kageyama, I’ll take good care of you! Kenma’s been over to my house loads of times, and he needs the same kind of thing,” Hinata said. Kageyama bristled at the mention of Kenma, but Hinata didn’t seem to notice. Once again, he jumped up on Kageyama’s back, but this time, Kageyama had no intention of throwing him off. “Do you wanna hang out now? We could hang out now! Call your mom and see if you can come over, maybe she can pick you up when it’s time to go home! We should hang out now!”

“Dumbass, you’re choking me!” Kageyama snapped, feeling flustered by the arms snaking around his neck.

“Sorry, sorry! I just love hugging you!” Hinata said, and Kageyama blushed.

He wasn’t great with other people. He didn’t know how to talk to them. Honestly, to everyone else, Kageyama was only a six, but Hinata made him feel like so much more.

Chapter Text

Hinata was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a liar. He had been telling the truth when he said he would take good care of Kageyama. He didn’t push Kageyama into talking too much when they were together, and he mind when Kageyama canceled their plans last minute. When they hung out after school, they mostly played video games or watched through some of the old volleyball tapes that Hinata had stuffed under his bed.

(He had recorded all of the Asian Olympic qualifiers and all of the beach and indoor Olympic tournaments. Men and women’s. Kageyama was in heaven.)

It felt safe.

When Kageyama went to team events –like getting meat buns after practice or going to sleepovers at Tanaka’s house- it was stressful. There were just too many people. Kageyama relied on distractions like volleyball and schoolwork to get through the day. Hanging out just to socialize felt like too much for him, especially with eleven other people to try to get to know.

At Hinata’s house, it was just the two of them. And even when they were talking, Kageyama had always found Hinata easy to argue with. Their banter was comfortable. Kageyama was comfortable.

Except for when Natsu came home from school.

The front door slammed, and Kageyama tensed when he heard her backpack and shoes hit the floor. “Hello?! Nii-chan, I’m home!” she shouted. Kageyama winced at the sound.

“In here, Natsu!” Hinata called back, jumping up onto his knees and leaning over the back of the couch. Kageyama turned just in time to see Natsu run into the room and literally fling herself over the crest of the couch and into Hinata’s awaiting arms. He caught her easily. “Hey, kid, how was school?”

“Terrible!” she complained, leaning back so she could stare up at her brother. “Kaori stole my Rilakkuma pencil case again.”

Hinata frowned. “Did you get it back?”

“Yes, and Sensei moved her clip down to orange, but this is the third time! Someone should do something, right?”

“Right,” Hinata agreed.

“Someone should tell Kaori she’s mean and do something to stop her, right?”

“Right.”

“Maybe even threaten her a little.”

Hianta frowned. “Well-“

“Someone like my big brother!” Natsu interrupted, and Hinata put his hands up as if to hold her off. Natsu wobbled in his lap when he removed his steadying grip.

“Woah, woah, woah. Natsu, I think that your teacher can handle it. And anyways, I don’t think that I should be threatening any six year old girls. That wouldn’t be good for anyone,” Hinata said.

Natsu pouted and then turned to Kageyama, who had been trying to hide himself in the couch cushions. He had thought that maybe Natsu hadn’t noticed him, but the way she was looking at him (with wide eyes and her bottom lip sticking out) proved that she had. “Maybe Tobio could help me.”

“Kageyama has enough to worry about, and be polite,” Hinata chastised. Natsu only pouted again.

Hinata sighed and tickled her sides to cheer her up. She giggled and squirmed, her left foot kicking out to jab Kageyama’s leg a couple times. “K-Kageyama-san! H-Help me!” she begged, and Kageyama all but froze.

He didn’t know how to help. Getting Hinata to stop tickling Natsu would involve either speaking or touching, both of which he wasn’t comfortable with.

His hands itched at his sides. The soundtrack to their paused video game and Natsu’s laughter were the only sounds in the house, and Kageyama closed his eyes up against the noise. The air felt stifling.

Fortunately, Hinata let go of Natsu a moment later. She ran off to her room the second she was released, and Kageyama played with the bottom hem of his shorts. He felt like he was suffocating. “I think it’s time for me to head home.”

Hinata’s head whipped around to face him. He had been watching Natsu run off, but now his full attention was on Kageyama. “What? But it’s raining! I can’t bike you home in this!”

“Yeah, well...” Kageyama trailed off, not sure what to say. “We have practice so early tomorrow, and I still have homework.”

“Oh.”

Hinata was pouting. Kageyama didn’t know how to deal with that. Sometimes he thought that Hinata must like him; after all, he invited him over to hang out all the time. They must be friends.

But then he saw how natural and organic his relationship with Natsu was, and how easily he got along with everyone else on the team. Everything they shared was awkward and angry. Kageyama didn’t know how to speak without snapping; Hinata would have to be a masochist to want to spend time with him.

He was probably just wanted to get to know him a little better so that they could be more in tune with each other on the court. That’s why Hinata was pouting. He wasn’t going to miss Kageyama; he just wanted to be better at volleyball.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kageyama promised.

Hinata looked at least somewhat reassured. “Okay,” he agreed. “You should call your mom to pick you up, if you want to go then. It really is raining hard, and my mom won’t be home to drive either of us anywhere for another few hours.”

“Right,” Kageyama said, spurring into action. He rooted through his backpack for his phone. Maybe one of these days, he’d feel comfortable staying at Hinata’s house for more than an hour, but currently, it felt like too much.

Kageyama dropped the water bottle he was holding. A couple of his teammates turned to look at him.

“Hey, Kageyama, are you okay?” Suga asked, running a towel through his sweaty hair.

They had been doing relay drills outside for most of practice. The sun was stifling, but the humidity was worse. Every inch of Kageyama’s skin felt sticky. The heat was pulling out every last drop of energy he had stored away.

Somehow, Hinata still had energy. He was on the other side of the lawn, using their break to work on receives with Nishinoya. Meanwhile, Kageyama was exhausted. When he was as tired as this, it made socializing even harder than usual. He wished relay drills didn’t require so much talking and teamwork.

Kageyama nodded stiffly.

“I left my towel in the clubroom,” he said as a means of answering.

Tanaka snorted, rolling his towel into a rat-tail and whipping Kageyama’s calf with it. “Better run and get it, then. The next drill starts in five minutes.”

Daichi quirked an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure that’s my line,” he said, but Kageyama was already running towards the clubroom. He could feel Suga and Asahi’s eyes on him even with his back turned.

Kageyama was more than relieved to close the clubroom door behind him and be out of sight for a minute. He took a shaky breath and sank to the ground.

Kageyama knew he was strung out, but he wasn’t ready for the sudden burst of anxiety that swept over him. Before he could even process the feeling, he let out a keening noise and his body curled inwards on itself. He held his knees with locked up arms.

He was so ugly. He was so stupid. Everything he said came out wrong, and everything he did was awful. How did he manage to get on this team, when all he did was fuck up?

Kageyama shuddered and cried into his kneecaps. He felt so pathetic for getting upset like this when nothing bad had happened. It was just... When the rest of the team was communicating and working together, Kageyama couldn’t help but notice that everyone else was great at talking to each other while he... wasn’t.

A couple of embarrassing whimpers escaped from his throat. He forced himself to take big gulps of air. Kageyama all but jammed the base of his palms into his eye sockets in an effort to calm down.

Drills started in less than five minutes, and he didn’t want anyone to catch him crying.

Eventually, he managed to pull himself together, but it took a minute. Kageyama grabbed his towel and used it to wipe the tears away from his cheeks. He blew his nose into one of Tsukishima’s clean socks before joining the rest of the team outside. Hinata was there to greet him when he walked up.

“Hey!” he chirped.

Kageyama inhaled sharply. “Hey.”

Hinata tilted his head and looked up at him curiously. Kageyama furrowed his eyebrows and tried to look imposing, but Hinata didn’t back away like most people would. Instead he poked his cheek, like an idiot poking a bear with a stick. “Are you okay?”

Hinata was the second person to ask him that today. Kageyama dodged his hand, and poked on of Hinata’s cheeks in retaliation. “More like are you okay? You’re getting sunburned.”

Hinata’s eyes widened and he squished his cheeks together. When he pulled his hands away, there were white splotches shaped like fingerprints embossed on his flushed cheeks. Hinata stared at his hands as if they had burned him, which in all honestly, it probably felt like they had. Even Hinata’s nose was pink with sunburn.

He felt himself blush brighter than Hinata when he realized how closely he was staring. He looked down at his toes. “We should probably go practice inside.”

“You’re right! Ask Daichi.”

Kageyama looked up, terrified. “Um, no, I-“

“Oh wait, no worries,” Hinata said before he could embarrass himself. “I’ll go do it,” he promised, rushing off before Kageyama could say anything back. He took another shaky breath.

Today wasn’t one of his good days.

Hinata stretched his toes out on the couch to dig into Kageyama’s thigh. “Okay, okay. What’s your favorite... um...” Hinata’s face screwed up. He had been asking Kageyama’s favorite color, book, movie, song... everything for the past hour. He was clearly running out of questions. “Favorite sport?”

Kageyama groaned, exasperated. “Volleyball, you idiot.”

“I meant other than volleyball!” Hinata complained, kicking his leg with one set of toes. His feet were so small. Kageyama could probably wrap them both up in one hand. He had no idea how he managed to jump so high and run so far with such tiny feet.

“Um... Maybe synchronized diving?”

“Synchronized diving?!”

“I dunno, it’s interesting! I don’t know how people do it!” Kageyama complained. He picked at his nails. “Can we do something other than talking? You’ve been asking me questions for ages now, and you don’t like any of my answers.”

“We could,” Hinata said easily. He could be so stubborn sometimes, but whenever Kageyama went over to his house, he was always accommodating. “Or you could ask me questions.”

“Ask you questions?”

“Yeah.” Hinata sprawled out a little further on the couch, kicking his socked feet up into Kageyama’s lap. “Isn’t there anything you want to know about me?”

Kageyama blinked. “What shoe size are you?” he asked without thinking, and then clamped a hand over his mouth. Why did he open his mouth? Everything he said was a disaster.

“I’m a kid’s six.”

Kageyama forgot about how dumb his question was. His mouth fell open. “You’re a kid’s six?”

“Yeah, I can even wear baby socks.” Abruptly, Hinata sat up straight. He grabbed one of Kageyama’s hands in both of his and looked up at him desperately. “You can’t tell anyone!” he said frantically, as if he suddenly regretted answering honestly. “Everyone already teases me for being short like an elementary school kid, they can’t know I wear kids’ sizes.”

“Wait, kids’ sizes? Like, as in more than just your shoes?”

“Well the teen pants are too long!” Hinata said with a pout, and Kageyama couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing. Hinata looked insulted until Kageyama managed to explain why he was laughing.

“You... You don’t think that Nishinoya...” He couldn’t finish, he was laughing so hard, and Hinata brightened.

“Oh my gosh,” he said, a smile spreading across his features. “Oh my gosh, he probably does. He definitely does,” he giggled.

They both laughed for a moment, thinking about Nishinoya sorting through kids’ clothes for his silly four character t-shirts, until Kageyama realized that Hinata was still holding onto his hand and his feet were still in his lap.

Kageyama tensed up, overwhelmed by the contact. Hinata seemed to notice his sudden discomfort, and his laughter died down. “Hey,” he said. “I’m an open book! Ask me something else,” he guided gently before Kageyama could doubt himself too much.

Kageyama took a deep breath. “Um... What’s your favorite TV show?”

“Konosuba. Oh you know what,” Hinata sat up straighter. “You might like that, too. If you look past all the girl butt, it’s really funny. Do you wanna watch it? We can start it right now, if you want.”

Kageyama looked at his watch. Natsu would be coming some soon, and she usually liked to talk to Hinata when she got home. He usually felt out of the loop when they were together, but he was having such a good time...

“Sure,” he agreed. “Why not?”

“Oi, Kageyama,” Daichi called, waving him over. “Suga, Asahi, and I are all going bowling tonight, and we thought that it might be fun to invite you along.”

Somewhere behind him, Kageyama could hear Yamaguchi squeak. (He was always eavesdropping on the conversations between the third years.) Meanwhile, Kageyama was trying to push down the horrible anxiety clawing it’s way up his throat. “Bowling with the third years?” he asked, as if he hadn’t heard correctly.

“Yeah,” Daichi said. “I know bowling is kind of lame, but... We have fun. We always make Asahi use one of the really light plastic balls they have for little kids, and he complains a lot... And Suga gets nearly all strikes, and the pizza is actually pretty good. You should come.”

Kageyama bit his bottom lip. He would be an idiot to say no. All of the other first years would give up their first-born son to be invited out with the upperclassmen, but Kageyama wasn’t excited. He was terrified.

“Um... I don’t know. My mom is making vegetarian sukiyaki tonight, so-“

Daichi put a hand up, cutting him off. “Just think about it, okay? And if you really can’t come tonight, then come next week,” he said.

Kageyama tugged hard on the bottom of his t-shirt, stretching it taught over his chest. “Okay,” he agreed, unable to look his captain in the eye. Daichi clapped his shoulder. “Good. Now go help Nishinoya with the volleyball net, he’s too short to put it up by himself.”

Kageyama nodded, and tried to put himself in the right frame of mind before practice. His volleyball suffered when he was stressed, and Daichi’s invitation certainly had him panicking.

He’d have to figure a way to worm himself out of this one.

If Daichi had been insistent that Kageyama join them for bowling, then Suga was downright demanding. He had even gone as far as ripping the phone out of Kageyama’s hands and convincing his mom to let him stay out with them on such short notice.

Kageyama hadn’t been able to hide his wince when his mom agreed to let him go. He couldn’t imagine anything more stressful than hanging out with just the third years. He was so desperate to impress them that it was even harder to talk than usual.

Fortunately, Daichi, Asahi, and Suga had left him mostly to his own devices so far. He had walked a couple feet behind them on the way to the bowling alley, and he had kept his head down while he put on his bowling shoes. No one had made fun of him when he stammered his shoe size to the girl behind the counter.

He flinched when Suga finally addressed him. “So. Kageyama,” he said, turning his blinding smile and sparkling eyes in Kageyama’s direction. “I feel like out of all the first years, I know you the least. Tell us about yourself,” he prompted. His voice wasn’t as authoritative as it had been when he was convincing Kageyama to come out with them. He sounded much gentler.

But Kageyama was still nervous.

“There’s not much to say,” he muttered under his breath, ducking his head low.

Suga looked like he was going to push for an answer, but fortunately, Daichi broke in before he could ask any more questions. “Hey, Kageyama, what do you want your bowling name to be?” he asked.

Kageyama gulped and looked up at the screen. There were already goofy nicknames in the first three spots: Christ the Redeemer, Tight Ass, and Bite Me.

Kageyama had no idea who any of those names were supposed to refer to, but it was probably obvious to the third years. They all knew each other so well. Kageyama squirmed uncomfortably when he realized just how out of place he was. He wanted to ask how they came up with their names, but he didn’t want to seem even more disconnected from the other three.

“Anything is fine,” he answered.

“I have an idea,” Suga said, popping up out of his seat to type in a name in English for Kageyama. He watched as letter by letter, the nickname “Hot to Trot” came up on the screen.

“What does that mean?” Daichi asked.

Suga shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just stupid,” he said, before clicking enter and finalizing the nickname. Kageyama felt his face start to heat up. He didn’t know if that was supposed to be an insult, or if it was just Suga giving him a silly nickname like everyone else.

Not for the first time, Kageyama wished he was better at reading people. If Hinata were here, it wouldn’t be so bad. He was so expressive, it was easy for Kageyama to understand how he was feeling, and usually looking at him helped Kageyama figure out how he was supposed to respond to certain social situations. But he was probably at home now, too far away to be of any help.

Asahi bowled first, while Suga tried to stick his fingers through Daichi’s belt loops, and Daichi smacked his hands away. Kageyama was still in his school uniform. It was just another thing separating him from the other three. He watched, fingers twitching, as Suga and Daichi laughed together.

Daichi was up next, and Asahi sat down next to Kageyama. He seemed just as anxious as Kageyama was. “So... Have you bowled before?” he asked awkwardly.

Kageyama nodded.

“Yeah? Often?”

Kageyama cast his gaze downwards. “I had a bowling birthday party when I turned eleven.”

Asahi seemed to brighten at that. “Oh, well that sounds fun!” he said encouragingly. He looked like he wanted to talk more on the subject, but Kageyama didn’t have much else to say.

“Not really. My mom planned it,” he said.

“I see.” Asahi deflated. Kageyama winced when he realized he had made things awkward again. Why did he have to make everyone feel so uncomfortable?

“Are we talking about Kageyama? I wanna talk about Kageyama!” Suga said, ignoring his turn to bowl in favor of leaning over the ball return and joining the conversation. “Were you telling Asahi all kinds of interesting facts about yourself?”

Kageyama grimaced. “Not real-“

“Yeah,” Asahi answered before he could finish. “He was saying that his mom planned him a party at the Bowling Palace for his eleventh birthday.”

“Oh, that’s kind of cool!” Suga said, every ounce as encouraging as Asahi had been. Kageyama squirmed, uncomfortable. “What else should we know about you, Kageyama?”

“There’s really not much to say,” Kageyama repeated with a frown. Suga waved a hand at him flippantly.

“There must be. You’re a person. All people are interesting,” he promised. When Kageyama stayed silent and pressed his lips together, Suga pushed him a little. “You and Hinata spend a lot of time together. What do you two normally talk about?”

Kageyama flushed bright red. “Um...”

“Kō, it’s your turn to bowl. Quit holding us all up,” Daichi said, shoving a pink bowling ball into Suga’s chest. Suga took it with a wink, and Daichi rolled his eyes. “He almost only bowls strikes,” he said to Kageyama as means of explanation.

Kageyama’s eyes widened when Suga bowled two strikes in a row, no sweat. “You’re up, Kageyama,” Suga said handing off a ball to Kageyama. He took it and frowned when it was heavier than he remembered.

Two gutter balls later, Daichi threw a comforting arm around his shoulders. “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “You’re already better than Asahi when he first tried bowling.”

Asahi squawked indignantly. Meanwhile, Kageyama tried to fight down his blush.

Fortunately, Suga seemed eager to smooth over whatever discomfort Kageyama might be feeling. “Daichi is right. Asahi swung the ball as hard as he could, but he let go way too late, and he ended up throwing the ball straight into the air. It almost landed on his foot!”

“Did not!” Asahi argued.

“Oh my gosh, do you remember the sound it made?” Daichi said, completely ignoring Asahi.

Suga snickered. “Kageyama, it was the loudest noise I have ever heard in my life. I thought for sure it cracked the floorboards,” he said. Asahi, meanwhile, looked beyond insulted.

A smile pulled on Kageyama’s lips, and before he could stop himself, he started laughing. He hid his face behind his hands, embarrassed by the way his already beady eyes squinted closed when he laughed and the way his mouth opened too wide.

However, it seemed to break some of the tension between them, especially when Suga and Daichi started laughing with him.

“You guys are evil,” Asahi groaned, but it only served to make Kageyama, Suga, and Daichi laugh harder.

The rest of bowling was surprisingly okay. Talking to Suga, Daichi, and Asahi was almost as easy as talking to Hinata. Sure, Kageyama still second-guessed his every decision and he kept hiding his face whenever he couldn’t keep his expression neutral, but it was manageable. For the first time, Kageyama felt like maybe he could do this whole ‘making friends’ thing, even if it was a little awkward at first.

Kageyama paced outside of his classroom, not sure where to put himself. Everyone else was eating lunch inside. He could hear everyone talking happily with each other on their break, and after having such a good time with the third years at bowling, Kageyama wanted that too.

He wanted to eat lunch with other people. Smiling and laughing had been fun. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it, if he could just find the courage to go back to his desk and eat.

“Kageyama?”

Kageyama froze in front of the classroom door.

He turned to see Hinata standing in the doorway, staring at him. “What are you doing pacing out here?” he asked.

Kageyama immediately started pulling at the bottoms of his sleeves. “Um...” he didn’t have an answer.

“Quit being weird, and come in and eat lunch already,” Hinata demanded.

Kageyama nodded eagerly in agreement, scrambling into the room. He hadn’t known how to eat lunch with everyone else without an invitation. Now that he had one, he wasn’t about to pass it up.

Hinata didn’t wait for him to follow. Instead he sat down on top of his desk, and gestured for Kageyama to take a seat in his chair. Kageyama took it before Hinata could retract his invitation.

“Wanna trade your hamburger for my chicken katsu?” Hinata asked.

Kageyama nodded and watched as Hinata used his chopsticks to switch out their protein, drawn in by his nimble fingers and his tiny nose. He kept staring as Hinata took a bite of Kageyama’s hamburger straight out of his bento box.

“You’re being way weirder than usual, Kageyama,” Hinata complained. “Quit staring at me.”

Kageyama felt his cheeks heat up. He hated making people uneasy, especially when he knew better. He knew it wasn’t okay to blatantly stare at people, and he did it anyway. “Sorry,” he apologized, voice tight.

“Don’t be,” Hinata said casually, like Kageyama wasn’t an absolute failure and didn’t have to feel like the scum on the bottom of someone else’s shoe. “Just relax, and eat your lunch.”

And then, without any kind of warning, Hinata picked up one of his apple bunnies with his chopsticks and fed it to him.

Kageyama felt so unbelievably awkward as Hinata pushed the apple slice into his mouth. He couldn’t even chew normally. Hinata seemed to catch onto how uncomfortable he was feeling, and he flashed him one of his bright smiles. “Kageyama, it’s just an apple,” he teased. “Here, have another one.”

This time he held it out to Kageyama, and Kageyama took it from him with stiff fingers. “Thanks,” he said.

Hinata’s smile dropped into a grin, but he didn’t seem any less happy, just... a different kind of happy. Kageyama didn’t know how to place it. Hinata’s voice was soft as he spoke. “No problem.”

“Okay, okay, you can’t tell him I told you this,” Yamaguchi said, lowering his voice, and Hinata leaned in closer. Kageyama watched him out of the corner of his eye and leaned in too, mirroring Hinata’s positioning.

Yamaguchi had been telling them both all kinds of things about Tsukishima, and Hinata had hardly stopped giggling since the conversation started. Kageyama had followed his lead the best he could, smiling when Hinata laughed and listening when Hinata did. So far, it seemed to be working.

“But right, so like three years ago, our middle school had a costume party. And Tsukki wanted me to wear this two-person stegosaurus costume so badly that he offered to be the butt-end just so I would wear it with him.”

Hinata burst out laughing, and Kageyama smiled at the sound. He managed a laugh of his own when Tsukishima looked over from the other side of the gym and Yamaguchi started frantically shushing Hinata.

“Stop laughing, he’s going to ask what’s so funny!” Yamaguchi whisper-yelled, clamping a hand over Hinata’s mouth.

Hinata’s eyes were watering he was laughing so hard. He was so off balance, he ended up falling onto his back. Kageyama’s smile grew as Hinata curled up on the floor, snorting.

Kageyama rolled his eyes fondly. “Dumbass, shut up before Tsukishima starts asking questions,” he demanded, but he stretched out a hand to help Hinata stand up.

Hinata grabbed for his fingers, and somehow –despite being light as a feather- he ended up pulling Kageyama down on the floor with him. Kageyama grunted when his knees hit the floor, but before he could start yelling, Hinata was trying to talk through his laughter. “He-he’d b-be the butt.“

“What’s going on over here?” Tsukishima asked, coming up alongside the other first years. Yamaguchi winced, and Hinata only laughed harder.

Kageyama scratched sheepishly at the back of his neck. “You probably don’t want to know.”

“Tobio, look what I made you!” Natsu said, climbing up into his lap with no warning and shoving a piece of paper into his face. Kageyama choked on glitter.

“Natsu! Be respectful!” Hinata reprimanded.

“It’s not fair that you get to call him Tobio and I don’t,” Natsu said, sticking her tongue out. Hinata turned bright pink, but before Kageyama could question it, Natsu had turned back to him. “Do you like it? It’s you and nii-chan!” she exclaimed.

Kageyama took the piece of paper so he could get a better look at it. There was a crudely drawn net, a very glittery volleyball (or maybe sun?), and two little figures. One was very tall and the other was very short.

It was perfect. Kageyama was going to put it up on his bedroom wall when he got home. “This is great,” Kageyama said in his typical monotone.

Natsu frowned. “Say it like you mean it,” she demanded.

Hinata made a whining noise. “Oh my gosh, Natsu, I love you, but you’re being too embarrassing today. Go to your room,” Hinata said, scooping her up under the armpits and turning her around so she was facing the door of the living room. She pouted but ran off.

Kageyama’s hands tightened around her picture. “She made this for me?” he asked. Hinata tilted his head at him like he always did when Kageyama was acting strange.

“Well, yeah, she likes you. You’re over here, like... all the time, and I talk about you a lot, so...” Hinata shrugged. “It’s no big deal.”

But it was a big deal. It was a very, very, very big deal. Nobody liked Kageyama, least of all young girls. Normally, they ran away from him screaming. Hinata never hesitated to tell him how scary he looked when he was glowering, and he was right. There was no reason for Natsu to like him.

“She likes me,” Kageyama repeated, incredulous.

Hinata frowned. “Well, of course,” he said. If Kageyama were better at reading people, he would say that Hinata looked... sad. But that didn’t make any sense. “You’re likable Kageyama. So it’s natural that Natsu likes you, too.”

“Okay,” he agreed because it seemed like the thing to do, not because he actually felt it.

He was rewarded for his efforts when Hinata seemed to relax back into the couch cushions again. Kageyama had been spending almost all of his down time on Hinata’s couch, lately. Maybe it was the mere-exposure effect that was getting Natsu to like him. He couldn’t think of a better explanation.

“Hey, I always ask Natsu, but I never ask you,” Hinata said, shifting topics. “How was your day at school?”

Kageyama pulled his sleeves a little lower over his hands. “Um... fine,” he answered. “I didn’t get called on in class. So that was good.”

Hinata smiled. “Yeah, that is good! You hate getting called on.”

Kageyama nodded, but didn’t say anything. At least not until Hinata stared at him so long, he was practically forced to speak up again. “I don’t really like... having to talk, I guess. So not talking is...”

“Good?” Hinata filled in.

Kageyama’s shoulders shrunk. “Yeah.”

Hinata reached out to take one of Kageyama’s hands in both of his. This was the second time he had held onto him like this. It seemed important, but Kageyama didn’t really understand the implications of it. “You know, you don’t have anything to be nervous about,” Hinata promised. “You won’t embarrass yourself, I promise.”

Kageyama pulled his hand away like he had been burned. “You don’t know that,” he said. Just the thought of speaking up made him anxious. It was better to be quiet; that way there were fewer reasons for people to make fun of him behind his back.

“But I do,” Hinata replied. “You’re funny and cool... And you’re amazing at volleyball. And you’re amazing in general. People would see that if you let them.”

“... Hinata, I think I want to go home.”

“Tobio-“

“I’m just going to call my mom to pick me up, okay?”

Hinata frowned, but conceded. “Okay,” he agreed, giving Kageyama the go ahead to pull out his phone and dial his mom’s number.

Kageyama was antsy while he waited to be picked up. He almost fell over in relief when he saw his mom’s car come over the hill. “There’s my mom,” he said, reaching for the doorknob, but Hinata grabbed his wrist before he could go anywhere.

“Wait just one second.”

“Wha-“ But Kageyama’s words died in his throat when he felt Hinata’s lips on his cheek. When Hinata pulled back, his expression was fixed into something fiercely determined. Kageyama’s knees knocked together.

“People would be lucky to hear you talk, Kageyama. You’re amazing.”

Kageyama gasped. He bit harshly on his bottom lip, feeling tears spring into his eyes. “I want to go home,” he said, overwhelmed.

Hinata nodded and passed Kageyama his bag. “You can go home,” he promised. “Your mom’s outside.”

Kageyama managed to nod. He held his bag close to his chest, and Hinata guided him outside with one of his tiny hands on the small of his back. Belatedly, Kageyama realized that he should probably respond to Hinata’s kiss more appropriately, but frankly, Kageyama was confused by normal social interactions. This was just too much.

He was all but numb when he climbed into the passenger seat of his mother’s car. “And how was your day, honey? Did you have fun with your friend?” she asked, turning down the radio to hear his response.

Kageyama stared into space. “I don’t know,” he said. And he honestly didn’t.

“But you promised to come over today,” Hinata whined. His voice was much too loud for Kageyama’s taste. It filled the clubroom, and Kageyama knew that their teammates were staring. Hinata commanded too much attention to look away.

“I didn’t promise, I said maybe. And now I’m saying no,” Kageyama said, rooting around his gym bag for absolutely nothing. It was just easier to stay doubled over his bag than to stand up and face both Hinata and the rest of the team. He wished he could stuff his entire head through the zipper and hide himself from everyone else.

“But you promised!”

“Shhhh, you’re screaming,” Kageyama hissed. “Everyone can hear you.”

“Who cares?” Hinata shouted, but he soon lowered his voice anyway. He bent down and grabbed one of Kageyama’s shoulders. He leaned in so close, his nose almost brushed Kageyama’s temple. “We’ve been hanging out for weeks. We talk about real stuff. I thought... I would’ve thought you’d be comfortable coming over by now.”

“Oh my God. Hinata, shut up,” Kageyama demanded, the tips of his ears turning pink. He knew Hinata had been trying to whisper, but he didn’t’ have an inside voice.

“Kageyama-“

“No,” Kageyama said, zipping up his bag and running out of the room before Hinata could say anything else. Normally Hinata didn’t mind when he canceled their plans. Why did he have to start suddenly caring now? In front of everyone?

Even when Hinata didn’t try to chase him down, Kageyama ran all the way home.

Kageyama looked at himself in the mirror and prodded at his features. He was so embarrassed by the way he walked around school, lately. Like he didn’t know he was ugly.

That was why he hadn’t wanted to go to Hinata’s house today. He didn’t want Hinata thinking he was confident in his appearance, when he had no reason to be. As embarrassing as it was to be ugly, it was even worse to be ugly and to have other people think you didn’t know it.

Besides.

Ugly people didn’t deserve to be kissed by Hinata Shouyou.

He gripped at his bathroom sink, feeling sick, trying to think of a reason for why Hinata had looked so upset when Kageyama told him they couldn’t hang out.

He couldn’t think of one.

He and Hinata had mastered every quick they had ever tried to learn. Even when they weren’t getting along, they were in tune with one another on the court. They knew each other well enough, so why did Hinata still seem so interested in him? Why was he feeding him apple slices and laughing with him about Tsukishima’s dinosaur costume? Why had he kissed him?

Frankly, Kageyama had no redeeming qualities that could somehow posses Hinata to kiss him. He didn’t understand why he kept being invited over to Hinata’s house and why Hinata kept being so nice to him. He wasn’t worth it.

Kageyama felt his face crumble up with a sob before he registered seeing it in the mirror. He was so ugly. He was so awful. He hated himself so much.

Kageyama stayed locked up in his bathroom until he was sure his parents had gone to sleep. He didn’t want to be seen. When he was absolutely positive he wouldn’t run into anyone in the hallway, he slipped into his bedroom with tear tracks streaking down his cheeks.

Hinata dropped down in the seat next to Kageyama’s. “Hey, I brought you a peace offering,” he said. He tossed a carton of milk to Kageyama.

Kageyama barely managed to catch it. “Why?”

“Because I owe you an apology,” Hinata said, leaning back to look up at the sky. They were both on the roof. How Hinata had found him up here, Kageyama had no idea, but it was nice having company. “I shouldn’t have got mad when you said you didn’t want to come over. It’s okay if you feel stressed about, like, hanging out. I know that you... Well, you know.”

“That I what?” Kageyama asked.

Hinata sat up on his elbows to look at him. There was a light breeze ruffling his hair, and his eyes were wide and shiny. “That you’re anxious about that kind of thing,” he said.

Kageyama felt his heart drop into his stomach. He knew his feelings were obvious. He was pretty sure anyone with eyes could see how panicked he was when he talked to other people, but to admit it was something else entirely. He felt like throwing up.

“Kageyama,” Hinata said, getting his attention. “You’re freaking out.”

“Am not!”

“Are, too,” Hinata said, sitting up. He grabbed Kageyama’s hand again. Why did he keep doing that? “But don’t be, you know? Because like... it’s cool that you’re nervous about talking to people or whatever. I still like you just fine.”

Kageyama held his breath for a second. “Oh.” He scratched the back of his neck with his free hand while Hinata stared up at him expectantly. He didn’t know what he wanted. “Thanks, I guess.”

Hinata looked crestfallen. “Thanks? That’s it?”

“I guess,” Kageyama repeated.

Hinata’s big eyes somehow managed to look even bigger when they were filled with tears. Kageyama’s heart rate picked up. He had messed up. He had messed up. What did he do wrong? “Just forget it, Kageyama,” Hinata said, sniffling. He got up and ran away, and Kageyama felt like someone had kicked him in the chest.

What just happened?

Chapter Text

Kageyama sat on the sidelines, his fingers itching.

On the court, Hinata’s arms extended like wings behind him, his knees coiled like a spring. Kageyama winced when Hinata jumped to spike Suga’s toss instead of his own. Kageyama was supposed to be the one setting for Hinata; he was supposed to be the one on the court.

But he was panicking.

“Just take it easy, Kageyama,” Coach Ukai advised. Kageyama nodded, but his hands refused to stop shaking. His eyes stayed locked on the ball. Either Nekoma was playing better than usual today or Karasuno was playing worse. It was probably a mixture of both.

Nekoma had been improving just as much as Karasuno had been these past couple of months, and while Karasuno sometimes had an edge because of their freak quick, they hadn’t been able to execute it in a long while.

In fact, Hinata had hardly looked at him ever since Kageyama made him run away crying, and when he did, it was always a blank stare. Kageyama didn’t know what it meant. Usually, Hinata was so expressive. Kageyama had a hard time reading other people’s body language, but normally, Hinata was significantly easier to figure out than anyone else on the team. Even when Kageyama couldn’t read his facial expression, Hinata typically just said how he was feeling a few seconds later. He was so talkative; Kageyama never had to wonder long.

But now Hinata was quiet. Quiet and blank.

“Nice cover!”

“Asahi!”

“Don’t mind!”

Kageyama’s trembling fingers balled up into fists by his side. He wanted to be playing with the rest of his team, but when Hinata scored a point and didn’t immediately turn to high five Kageyama, his hands started shaking. Ukai pulled him out before he could mess up any more tosses.

The game ended embarrassingly quickly. Nekoma won 2:0, and their captain –Kuroo- immediately draped himself over Daichi, bragging loudly. Kageyama’s nose twitched.

He was too jittery to stand up. His knees felt weak, and his chest felt tight, like his heart was a swelling balloon about to pop. He should have been there to support his team, but instead he was stuck on the bench.

Kageyama watched Hinata kick at the ground: his shoulders slumped. He probably felt just as guilty for losing as Kageyama did. Even if it was a practice game, the pressure to win was enormous, especially for a first year starter. For once, Kageyama understood how Hinata felt.

Something inside him said he should get up, ignore his anxiety, and comfort him. And honestly, Kageyama might have done it.

But Kenma got there first.

Kageyama scrunched his eyes closed so he didn’t have to watch Kenma cheer Hinata up. Hinata’s spine had straightened just because Kenma had walked over to him. It made Kageyama feel awful.

He buried his face in his hands, feeling his anxiety peak. He was just about to try to excuse himself to the bathroom, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, Kageyama, are you okay?”

Kageyama looked up to see Suga standing above him. He tried to breathe, but his lungs felt shallow. “Nn,” Kageyama tried, and blushed beet red when he messed up. “Not really.”

Suga hummed at sat down next to Kageyama on the bench. The team buzzed around them as they talked with the Nekoma players and gathered their things to go home, but Suga didn’t move his hand from Kageyama’s shoulder. “You’ve been having a hard time lately, huh? You and Hinata aren’t clicking.”

Kageyama turned away and bit his fist. His cheeks burned.

He didn’t know what to say to Suga, but fortunately, Suga didn’t seem to need any prompting. His hand moved from Kageyama’s shoulder to rub up and down his spine. “Do you need help? Because if you guys are fighting, Daichi and I can step in. That’s what captains are for: sorting out team drama,” he said with a friendly smile.

Kageyama squirmed. “We’re not... fighting,” he said. He looked at Suga, shrinking under the other boy’s stare. If it had been anyone else, Kageyama probably wouldn’t have said anything else. He was just so nervous. But Suga had proven that he was trustworthy, even if he tried to push him into things like bowling and team activities. Kageyama wrung his hands together. “We didn’t yell at each other or anything. I just messed up somehow, but I don’t know what I did? I just know that I-“ Kageyama tugged at the bottom of his t-shirt. “I made him cry.”

Suga blinked. “Okay,” he said slowly. “Well... I mean, have you tried apologizing? Or talking to him about it?”

Kageyama made a nervous noise in the back of his throat. He regretted it a second later. He was so awkward. He knew it made the people around him uncomfortable, but Suga didn’t seem put off. He was just waiting for an answer. “How am I supposed to apologize when I don’t know what I did wrong?” Kageyama asked.

“You just have to explain that,” Suga said. “Like... tell him that you don’t know what you did wrong, but that you care about him and you wouldn’t do anything to hurt him on purpose.” When Kageyama didn’t say anything, Suga quirked his head at him. “Because that’s how you feel, right?”

Kageyama nodded frantically. “I wouldn’t hurt him on purpose,” he promised. He pulled at his fingers. “It’s just... I don’t think... I mean... You said what to say, but I still don’t know. What to say. Like... ever, but mostly to Hinata.”

“I mean... other than saying that you’re sorry and that you didn’t mean to upset him, maybe tell him what you like about him or what he means to you. I think a little honesty goes a long way in an apology,” Suga said.

Kageyama scrubbed his nose. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Suga asked brightly, sitting up straighter.

“Yeah, I’ll do it,” Kageyama promised. He eyed Hinata across the gym. He was still talking to Kenma. He was pressed up against the other boy’s side, hugging his arm while Kenma tried his best to look apathetic.

Kageyama scrunched his nose. He would apologize; he just needed to work up the courage first.

The next day, practice let out a little earlier than usual. Suga bumped shoulders with Kageyama. “Go talk to him,” he said under his breath, nodding towards Hinata.

Kageyama gulped. Just the thought of talking to Hinata made him feel like hyperventilating, but Kageyama didn’t think he could stand another sleepless night agonizing over his mistakes and how he was going to fix them. He needed to make up with Hinata, or he was going to go crazy.

He took a deep breath and clenched his hands by his side. He could do this. He had made notes about all the things he wanted to say; he had practiced in front of the mirror. Even if he stammered through it, he was sure that Hinata would still understand. He always knew what Kageyama meant.

“Hey, dumbass!” Kageyama yelled. Hinata jumped and whirled around to face him. He looked terrified, and Kageyama cursed inwardly. He glared down at the floor, regretting ever speaking up. “I need to talk to you,” he muttered.

Hinata didn’t say anything for a moment. Kageyama looked up at him. He expected to see Hinata looking at him with that same blank expression he was used to seeing him with, but instead his jaw was clenched and his eyes were serious.

“Okay,” he agreed.

Kageyama let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Good. Maybe outside?” he asked, squirming. He didn’t want anyone else to hear their conversation. This was already going to be embarrassing, he didn’t want the whole team overhearing.

“Sure,” Hinata said tersely, leading the way. Kageyama trailed after him helplessly, taking a seat next to Hinata in the grass on the far side of the gym. Hinata pulled up a dandelion and twisted it between his fingers. Kageyama watched him without saying anything, anxiety leaving him motionless. “So...” Hinata said. “What, um... What did you want to talk about?”

Kageyama stuttered to life like a broken car engine. “Oh, right,” he said. “Um... Well, I was talking to Suga about how... How maybe you’re mad at me, and-“

“I’m not mad at you,” Hinata interrupted, his tiny nose crinkled up cutely.

Kageyama felt like someone had kicked him in the chest. He hated being corrected. It made him so nervous. “Okay,” he answered, pausing for a moment. “I mean... Okay, but I did make you cry. And that’s not good, I know, but I don’t know how I made you cry? And so I was telling Suga all of that, and he said that I should apologize, even if I don’t know what I did wrong.”

Hinata blinked.

Kageyama started tearing up fistfuls of grass, his eyes on anything but Hinata. “So... So... So, I mean, I’m not sure why you were so sad the other day, and I know that before you came to say sorry to me that I wasn’t being... the best. Like I was avoiding you a little, and I know I’m not good at trusting you.

“But Hinata... I would never want to do anything to hurt your feelings. I know that I yell a lot, and I’m good at pointing out mistakes and bad at being encouraging, but out of everyone I know, you’re... Well, I mean, you’re my best friend. I wouldn’t want to do anything to ruin that.”

He stole a glance at Hinata, only to find him smiling sadly. “Best friend, huh?” he asked, and Kageyama nodded eagerly.

“Of course.” Kageyama thought back to what Suga said: tell him what you like about him. “You’re funny, you’re great at volleyball, you have a good work ethic, you’re the only person who can practice for as long as I can. You’re really nice, and you don’t make me feel stressed when I’m over at your house, and you don’t make me feel ugly, and I like talking to you, even if it’s really hard. Plus, on top of all that, we’re teammates, and we’re good together. We’re... We’re...”

“Invincible?” Hinata asked. His sad smile was gone. Instead, he was looking at Kageyama with a glimmer in his eye. Kageyama’s chest seemed to swell, but for once he didn’t feel anxious. Something else was blossoming behind his lungs and down his spine. Even if Kageyama couldn’t place what emotion it was, he knew he liked the feel of it.

“Yeah, invincible,” he answered. Kageyama tentatively reached out for one of Hinata’s hands. He gave it a quick squeeze and dropped it. “I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you so sad.”

Hinata’s stare was unwavering. He watched Kageyama carefully, and Kageyama ducked his head so that Hinata couldn’t see his face. Eventually, Hinata threaded their fingers back together. “Okay. I forgive you,” he said.

Kageyama looked up sharply. A hopeful smile spread on his face before he could stop it. “Really? It was that easy?” he asked. Hinata nodded, but Kageyama’s smile wavered. “Wait... What did I do, anyways? What made you so sad?”

Hinata snorted. “It’s not important,” he replied. “I’m just glad you apologized.”

Kageyama frowned. “But-“

“Race you to the clubroom? I wanna get home so I can surprise Natsu by picking her up from school,” Hinata interrupted. Kageyama jumped to his feet. He had never been able to resist a competition.

“You’re on.”

Another toss flew up, another spike landed its mark. Another high five. Sweat dripped into Kageyama’s eyes, and he pulled up the neck of his t-shirt to clear his vision.

As tired as he was, he was happy to be practicing with Hinata again. The repetition was good: comfortable. There was nothing for Kageyama to feel anxious about, not when they did the same thing every day and left with smiles on their faces.

“Hey, Kageyama, do you wanna come over to my house after this?” Hinata asked, just as Yamaguchi threw Kageyama a ball. Kageyama lost focus, and overshot his toss two meters to the left.

“Yes,” he answered. “Yes.”

Things had been easy with Hinata lately, but Kageyama didn’t know where they stood. He had been hoping for an invitation to Hinata’s house for a few weeks now, and now that he had one, he wasn’t going to let it slip through his fingers.

Hinata half-smiled in amusement. “Oi, chill out. I only thought that maybe you’d wanna play Portal or something,” he said, while Yamaguchi snickered behind his hand. For once, Kageyama was too excited to be embarrassed.

“Okay, sure!” he agreed. Maybe he was being too transparent, but he didn’t want Hinata to take back his invitation. He missed having quiet moments with Hinata; he missed lying on his bed talking and sitting on his couch. This was a step in the right direction towards being friends again. Kageyama was sure of it.

“Hey, Kageyama, give me some of your almonds,” Hinata said, and Kageyama flinched when a warm body fell against his back. Hinata’s ropey arms looped around his shoulders, grabbing for his almonds, and Kageyama let him. He was more concerned about the feeling of Hinata’s chin against the crook of his neck and the way his flyaway hair tickled his ear.

Daichi spared them a glance. He was sitting next to Kageyama on the curb, the rest of the team scattered on the sidewalk behind them as they ate snacks from Ukai’s store. They had been talking about the team’s weak points before Hinata had interrupted.

Daichi grunted in approval. “You two seem close again,” he said.

Kageyama hummed. “What do you mean?” he asked, heart racing as Hinata draped over him a little further so he could look at Daichi. Hinata had a questionable view of personal space, and Kageyama always got a little overwhelmed when he touched him like this.

“Just that you’re...” Daichi gestured towards the two of them, and Hinata’s hold on Kageyama changed. He almost choked when Hinata latched onto him, his arms in a death grip. “It’s like you’ve found your rhythm again.”

Kageyama hummed. He felt the same way.

Daichi turned away to talk to Asahi. Meanwhile, Hinata seemed stressed. He buried his face into Kageyama’s neck, his legs wrapped around Kageyama’s waist. Kageyama patted his head what he hoped was comfortingly. “You okay?” he asked.

Hinata made a noise that Kageyama assumed meant yes. He shook his bag of almonds and held them up for Hinata. “You want the rest of these?” he offered.

Hinata opened his palm, and Kageyama poured the rest of the bag into his hand. Hinata ate them one at a time –much slower than Kageyama had seen him eat anything- and didn’t offer up much conversation. Usually, Kageyama didn’t know what to do with silence; it always seemed to stretch awkwardly around him. But he could tell that Hinata was upset about something, and he knew this time, the quiet wasn’t his fault. He didn’t have to do anything to fix it.

Soon, it was time to leave, and Kageyama stood up with Hinata strapped onto him like a backpack. “Where’s your bike?” he asked, and Hinata pointed. Kageyama grabbed it and started to walk both Hinata and his bicycle home. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked when they made it halfway to Hinata’s house without saying a single word.

Hinata huffed, his breath hot on Kageyama’s shoulder. “I dunno,” he answered.

Kageyama wiped his sweaty hands on his trousers. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, wincing at how accusatory he sounded.

Hinata squirmed a little. “It means I don’t know, stupid,” he said. This time there really was an awkward silence between them, and Kageyama cleared his throat. Hinata sighed again. “It’s just... Well, is this all you want? This kind of rhythm?”

“What?” Kageyama asked.

Hinata made a whining noise. “Never mind,” he replied, his arms and legs loosening their hold. Kageyama had to drop Hinata’s bicycle to catch him before he could jump off his back.

“Hey, quit doing that,” he said. “You’ve been sneaky lately. Just tell me what’s going on.”

“You wouldn’t get it,” Hinata said. He sounded frustrated, and Kageyama would have been offended by it, if there wasn’t also an edge of desperation to his voice. Kageyama looped his arms under Hinata’s knees.

“Why won’t you just let me be nice to you?” Kageyama said, quoting what Hinata had asked him a few weeks ago.

He managed to pull a laugh from Hinata without meaning to. “You’re a dork,” Hinata said, and he pulled himself up so that Kageyama didn’t have to support him anymore. He thrust an arm out, pointing at the road in front of him. “Now, onward, trusty steed! Back to my house!”

“To your house,” Kageyama agreed, kicking Hinata’s bicycle up with his foot so he didn’t have to bend over. Sometimes Hinata’s shifting moods gave him whiplash, but at least he seemed happier now.

“Giddy up!” Hinata cheered.

“No,” Kageyama said with an eye roll, but honestly, he wasn’t all that annoyed. If anything, he was happy to have Hinata so close to him. He liked the feeling of Hinata clinging to him, even if it was a little stressful to have Hinata’s face so close to his own and his legs wrapped around the softer part of his stomach. As was so often the case with Hinata, the happiness of being together outweighed Kageyama’s insecurities.

Kageyama’s knees bumped the top of the kids’ table in Natsu’s room. Fortunately, it didn’t disturb her coloring, and she happily filled in her picture of Hinata with flaming red hair.

“That looks really good, Natsu,” he promised.

Natsu flashed him a smile. “He’s gonna like it, right? I just know he’s going to like it,” she said, reaching for a blue crayon. Kageyama passed it to her wordlessly.

Natsu seemed happy to be with him. She kicked her legs underneath her chair, and every now and then her foot crashed into Kageyama’s knee. He didn’t say anything, though.

Natsu sometimes made him nervous. She was so small and cute; he didn’t want to upset her. Whenever Hinata left them alone together to go get something or help his mom with the chores, Kageyama’s heart started racing and his mouth dried out. He spent most of his time waiting for Hinata just trying to swallow.

However, as worried as Kageyama was about messing up, he found that Natsu was pretty easy to hang out with. She liked him, which was startling. Kageyama knew kids could be frustratingly honest, and when he had first met Natsu, he was scared that she would comment on how awkward and ugly he was.

But she was really nice. She always smiled at him and pulled on his arm so he would lean down and she could whisper secrets into his ear. The other day, she told Kageyama that she had “accidentally” poured her strawberry milk on Kaori to get her back for stealing her pencil case, and she didn’t tell Hinata. She trusted him, and it made Kageyama feel like maybe he was worth trusting.

“Tobio, you’re staring,” Natsu said. Kageyama blushed and looked to his toes.

“Sorry,” he apologized. Even if Natsu was nice, she was just as blunt as any other little kid. But it was something that Kageyama had come to appreciate. She was clear with what she wanted, he didn’t need to read into any subtext or study her body language. She told him what she needed, almost like Hinata did.

“It’s okay!” Natsu replied brightly. “Hey, wanna hear a secret?” she asked. Kageyama nodded and leaned forward. Natsu’s eyes brightened. “Shouyou still has his baby blanket. He told me not to tell you.”

Kageyama snorted. “You probably shouldn’t have,” he said, unable to hide his smile.

Natsu swung her feet under her chair a little harder. “Mom says that once he gets too big for it, he has to give it away, but Shou-chan is very small so he hasn’t had to give it up yet,” she said, using the blue crayon to draw an oddly shaped rectangle where Hinata’s body was supposed to be. She scribbled on a couple yellow stars, and Kageyama figured it was supposed to be Hinata’s blanket.

“Shouyou’s kind of like a little kid in some ways,” Kageyama snorted, thinking about how often Hinata used whining to get his way.

Natsu fixed him with a look. “No, my brother is a man,” she corrected, and Kageyama couldn’t help it. He laughed loudly, doubling over himself with the force of it. He hid his face behind his hands. “What’s so funny?” Natsu asked, nudging his arms to try to see his face, but Kageyama kept them locked into place.

“N-nothing,” he stammered. “Nothing, you’re right.”

“He is!” Natsu exclaimed. “When dad is away on business, Nii-chan is the man of the house!”

“Of course he is,” Kageyama giggled.

Natsu dropped her crayon. “He is!” she repeated, not understanding why Kageyama was laughing. He believed her just fine; it was just how seriously she said it that was so funny. She pouted at him. “He’s very manly. He’s very strong, and he helps my mom, and he’s a good listener, and he went to my back to school night because mom and dad both had work, and he gets sweaty and gross, and one time, we found a dying mouse in the yard, and Shouyou had to kill it to put it out of it’s misery, and he only cried for a little bit afterwards.”

Kageyama managed to stop laughing and listen. He smiled at the thought of Hinata crying over a dead mouse. “Those are all very manly things,” he agreed. “Maybe you should put a moustache on your picture. That would make him even more manly.”

“Shouyou doesn’t have a moustache!” Natsu squealed, but she colored one onto her picture anyway. One look at Hinata with a furry lip had them both laughing.

Light feet stomped up the stairs, and Hinata walked into the room, having finished helping his mom carry in groceries from the car. “Hey, what’s so funny?” he asked, smiling.

Natsu was laughing so hard, she couldn’t speak. Instead, she just pointed at her picture, and Hinata made a whining noise. “Natsu, what the heck, I don’t have a moustache! That looks so weird!” he exclaimed, reaching down to flip the picture upside down.

“Hey, she worked hard on that,” Kageyama managed to say through his laughter. Natsu grabbed it and made a run for the stairs. “I’m going to put it on the fridge!” she exclaimed, and Hinata groaned. Kageyama got up to chase after her.

“I’m going to help her,” he said.

Hinata groaned again, this time louder. “I didn’t invite you over here to turn against me!” he complained, but he clomped down the stairs after them anyway. Natsu put the picture up on the fridge, but not before she and Kageyama signed their names on it. Kageyama had thought of the moustache, so he got to take credit for the picture.

“It looks good!” Natsu said. “You should draw something next time, Tobio! You have good ideas!”

“I don’t know about that,” Kageyama said, but for once, he was having a hard time being self-deprecating. “Maybe, though.”

Hinata caught his eye, and Kageyama’s smile grew wider, even if his cheeks blushed furiously. Maybe he didn’t have great ideas all of the time, but Hinata with a moustache was definitely a good one.

As comfortable as Kageyama was becoming with Hinata, Natsu, and the rest of the volleyball team, he was still overly cautious of the other kids in his class. Just sitting at his desk was uncomfortable.

Today, Kageyama felt more nervous than usual. He hadn’t slept well the night before, and he knew his eyes were puffy. It had been awhile since his last haircut, and his uniform was starting to get a little short in the legs. Plus, even though his voice had broken a long time ago, it kept cracking when he tried to talk.

It was humiliating. And for some reason, people were still talking to him. Tanaka had chatted his ear off about Kiyoko’s haircut during morning practice, one of the girls in his class said his eyes looked rounder today (Was that supposed to be a compliment?), and some of the boys in his class invited him for his opinion when they couldn’t decide what was better: summer weather or winter.

Didn’t they understand how awful Kageyama was? He was ugly, and he didn’t know how to talk to people, and he always said the wrong thing. Usually people seemed content to let him hide, but today, everyone had suddenly decided he was worth talking to. It was stressful.

Kageyama struggled through class, but mid-lecture, he gave up.

He closed his notebook and threw his arms on top of it. He buried his face into his elbows. The second he did it he could feel Hinata turn to look at him. His stare burned the back of his neck.

Kageyama kept to himself and silently prayed for class to end, but he knew that as soon as it was over, Hinata was going to try to talk to him. Kageyama didn’t want to talk to Hinata. Hinata asked too many questions, and Kageyama was too embarrassed to answer them.

He tried to calm himself down. However, his heart still felt like it was beating out of his chest by the end of the school day, and he flinched away when Hinata nudged his arms off his desk so he could sit in their place. Kageyama didn’t look at him, even when Hinata pulled his legs up to sit cross-legged in front of him.

“Hey, what’s going on with you?” Hinata asked as the class emptied out.

Kageyama pulled at the hem of his sleeves. “Nothing,” he answered, eyes downcast.

Hinata paused. Kageyama thought that maybe he had a chance of weaseling his way out of this unpleasant conversation, but then Hinata’s fingers found the curve of his jaw. Hinata tilted Kageyama’s head up to face him. “It’s not nothing,” Hinata said, his eyes searching. “You’re upset.”

Kageyama pushed Hinata’s hand away. “Yeah, well, you’ve been upset lately, and you don’t talk to me about it,” he said, bitter.

“Well, one of us has to say something sometime, Kageyama,” Hinata snapped.

The classroom was empty except for a few kids mopping up and cleaning the chalkboard. Kageyama snorted. “Well, I’m not saying anything here,” he said, ears burning.

“Fine,” Hinata agreed, grabbing his wrist and pulling. Kageyama barely managed to grab his things before Hinata was dragging him up to the roof. Kageyama’s stomach flip-flopped. The last time they were up here, Hinata cried. Kageyama wasn’t looking for a repeat. Hinata dropped his hand. “Is here okay?” Kageyama shrugged. “Come on, Kageyama, say something,” Hinata begged.

Kageyama bit his bottom lip. Looking at Hinata made him feel like throwing himself over the edge of the roof. Hinata was so cute. He had such wide eyes. His face was the perfect V shape, and his skin was pale and luminescent like the moon. Maybe he was short and he had a ridiculous shock of bright orange hair, but anyone could agree that Hinata was adorable.

But Kageyama wasn’t.

He was this tall, gangly, awkward thing, and it was so humiliating for someone as attractive as Hinata to look at him, especially to look at him so caringly. Kageyama squeezed his eyes shut.

Hinata’s knuckles knocked against his forehead. “I know you’re in there, Kageyama. You don’t have to be embarrassed to talk, okay? I wanna listen to you.”

Kageyama took a shaky breath. “It’s not that,” he said. “Sometimes it is, but today isn’t about talking.”

Hinata rose up on his tiptoes, but Kageyama still refused to meet his eye. “What’s it about then?” he questioned. He sounded too sincere. Kageyama didn’t know how to handle it, other than to answer honestly.

For once, he didn’t hesitate before speaking. “I don’t want anyone to look at me,” he answered.

Hinata frowned. “Why not?”

Kageyama willed himself not to cry. He had never admitted how he felt about himself out loud. His mom had always just assumed he had confidence issues, and his dad always reminded him to be brave, but no one had ever asked about why he wanted to hide away from other people. Kageyama didn’t know how to respond.

How did you explain to someone beautiful how it felt to be ugly?

“Well, I’m not much to look at am I?” he asked, too scared to look at Hinata’s expression. “And I’m not good to talk to. So it’s better if people don’t bother.”

Kageyama stole a glance at Hinata and was surprised to see his eyes watering. “You’ve said that before. You said I don’t make you feel ugly,” he said. “But other people do, then. You feel ugly all of the time.”

Kageyama shrugged helplessly.

Hinata’s bottom lip wobbled. Kageyama didn’t know what to do. Shouldn’t he be the one crying? Why was Hinata so upset?

“Kageyama, I don’t want you to feel that way,” he said. “I want you to feel good about yourself. Why don’t you- Kageyama, you should feel so attractive. Look at you!” he exclaimed, grabbing at Kageyama’s hands.

Kageyama let Hinata touch him, but he still couldn’t make eye contact. His cheeks were so flushed, they ached, and his own bottom lip was starting to tremble. “What do you mean?” he asked. “How can you say that I shouldn’t feel ugly when I look the way I do, and you look the way you do?”

“Stop saying ugly!” Hinata yelped. “Stop it, you’re not ugly. You’re great, Kageyama. Everything about you is great.”

“But it’s not,” Kageyama argued. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not lying, Bakageyama. I wouldn’t lie about something this serious,” Hinata said. He sounded angry. “That’s why we’re rivals: because I think you’re perfect. And I’m sorry I’m all upset, but it’s just because I think you’re so awesome, it’s hard to hear that you think you’re not.”

“Hinata, I-“

“Just-“ Hinata squeeze Kageyama’s hands, effectively cutting him off. “Just don’t argue, okay? Just let me tell you that you’re handsome.”

Kageyama wavered.

“You’re handsome, Kageyama,” Hinata asserted.

“Okay, fine,” Kageyama said, even if no part of him believed it. He didn’t want to explain to Hinata how deep his insecurities ran. He was embarrassed, and he already had been humiliated enough for one day. He didn’t need to make it any worse by fleshing out the details of why he felt as awful as he did.

Hinata picked up his bag, which he had dropped at some point since climbing up to the roof. He kept one of his hands intertwined with Kageyama’s. “Good. We’re late. Let’s go to practice, handsome.”

Kageyama rolled his eyes. “You’re such a dumbass,” he muttered, his heartbeat picking up. Even if he didn’t believe it, he wouldn’t mind if Hinata called him handsome for the rest of his life.

Kageyama took a big bite of rice, chewing quietly while Hinata babbled on about something. Their legs brushed together whenever Hinata leaned forward, invested in the story he was telling. Hinata had been sitting closer and closer to him at lunch. He was pretty sure if he didn’t do anything to stop it, soon enough Hinata would be in his lap.

Lately, Hinata had insisted that they eat lunch with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima outside in the courtyard. Hinata said something about team bonding, but Kageyama had a feeling it was more because Hinata had noticed how shy he was in front of their classmates. Kageyama had significantly less trouble talking to Yamaguchi and Tsukishima.

It was almost startling how much Hinata did to keep him comfortable. Lately, he had been giving him pep talks before class, encouraging him when he bothered to speak up, and calling him handsome like it didn’t mean anything. (It actually meant everything.)

When Kageyama was done eating, he instinctively leaned into Hinata’s side.

Hinata looked startled for a second, but he soon turned and smiled up at Kageyama. Tsukishima threw a napkin at him. “Hinata, you can’t just get distracted in the middle of talking. Quit looking dopey and actually finish your sentence,” he demanded.

Hinata pouted, but quickly launched back into conversation. “Right! So, anyway, Ukai senior says that in volleyball, you only get to touch the ball for less than a second each time it comes to you, so you should know it so intimately that you don’t have to think about the way it feels or how to fit your hand against it. You should just know, so you can think about other things, like who to pass to or how to aim it.”

Tsukki snorted. “That sounds like a load of crap.”

“You’re a load of crap,” Hinata complained.

“You’re both crappy, now shut up and eat your food,” Yamaguchi demanded, shoving a piece of hamburger into Tsukishima’s mouth so fast, he almost choked.

Kageyama pressed his lips together, fighting back a smile. He didn’t feel totally part of this group, so he didn’t want to act like he belonged when he so obviously didn’t. But it was nice sitting with friends.

Maybe one day, he’d feel safe enough to sit with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima without Hinata there showing him how to feel and react. For now, though, he scooted a little closer to Hinata so that their knees stayed touching no matter which way Hinata moved.

Hinata didn’t react, but there was a twinkle in his eye that didn’t go away until they had to separate.

“Hey, you seemed off today,” Hinata said while he rolled out a spare futon on his bedroom floor.

It was late. Natsu had already gone to bed, but Hinata’s mother had invited Kageyama over to stay the night. Hinata seemed nervous at first, but when Kageyama said he already knew about Hinata’s baby blanket and that he didn’t care, he seemed to relax.

“Did I?” Kageyama asked. He knew he had been a little more nervous than usual, but he hadn’t expected Hinata to notice. Then again, Hinata seemed to notice everything.

“Yeah. You seemed shy at dinner.”

Hinata was so casual about it. Kageyama sometimes didn’t understand how Hinata was able to talk so easily about such big things like feelings and fears. For Kageyama, talking about his anxiety felt like pulling teeth, but Hinata always seemed so airy about it. “Some days are easier than others,” Kageyama answered simply, stuffing a pillow into its case.

Hinata nodded. “That makes sense,” he said (even if Kageyama was pretty sure it didn’t). “I just don’t want you to feel like Natsu or my mom are, like... ever going to judge you. Because they wouldn’t do that, they’re great.”

Kageyama hummed quietly. Normally, he felt so huge and out of his skin, but right now he felt small. “They are great,” he agreed.

Hinata finished setting up Kageyama’s sleeping arrangements and put his hands on his hips. He looked proud of his project: kind of like Suga when the team was getting along really well. “There, all done!” he exclaimed. “All right. I’m exhausted, and we have to wake up super early tomorrow. I think I’m gonna pass out, if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s okay with me,” Kageyama agreed, kneeling on the futon.

Hinata stood up and stretched. “Great!” he said. He pressed a kiss to Kageyama’s forehead. “Have a good night’s sleep, handsome!” he exclaimed before his eyes widened with horror.

Hinata seemed to realize what he had done, and his whole body stilled. Meanwhile, Kageyama put a hand to his forehead, shocked by the kiss. He had no idea what he had done to warrant now two kisses from Hinata, but he was pretty sure his blood had stopped circulating through his body.

“Kageyama, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did that. I just- Please don’t get mad at me like last time, I didn’t mean anything by it, I promise,” Hinata babbled. “Please don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad. Kageyama say something, just don’t be mad.”

“It’s... okay,” Kageyama said slowly, dazed. “You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I don’t?” Hinata asked weakly. He was wearing one of his dad’s t-shirts to sleep in, and it practically swallowed him whole. It stopped nearly at his knees, and the neck was so large, it slipped off of Hinata’s slim shoulders.

“You don’t,” Kageyama replied. His voice was thick.

“Okay,” Hinata agreed, near silent. He slipped away, and Kageyama watched his little feet carry him across the room. They were so small. Hinata was so small, and he seemed even smaller after he turned the lights off. Kageyama’s eyes stayed trained on him as he crawled into bed. “Kageyama, please stop staring,” Hinata asked, curling inwards on himself.

Kageyama blinked. “Right,” he agreed. He pulled his blankets up over his head. “Goodnight, Hinata.”

Hinata didn’t answer, and Kageyama replayed the last couple minutes over and over in his head. Hinata had kissed him, and he had kissed him before. Something warm bloomed deep inside of Kageyama.

Did Hinata like him?

“Are you kidding me?” Yamaguchi asked when Kageyama asked him about it after practice. “What the fuck, yes. How did you not know?”

Kageyama jumped back a little at the ferocity in Yamaguchi’s tone. He felt his skin color pink from head to toe. “I don’t know!” he exclaimed. “I’m not... I’m not good at that kind of thing.”

“But you cuddle,” Yamaguchi said, making a face. “Tsukishima and I have been dating for years, and we don’t touch each other half as much in public as you two do.”

Kageyama flailed his arms. “You and Tsukishima are dating?”

Yamaguchi put his hand up, as sassy as ever. “Woah, so not the point here,” he said. Kageyama wanted to argue that Yamaguchi didn’t get to drop bombs like that without explanation, but before he could, Yamaguchi turned the conversation back to the matter at hand. “But yes, Hinata likes you. Like... More than likes you. Actually, I’m pretty sure he’s obsessed with you? One time he told me that he actually likes it when you win at all your races and crap because he knows it makes you happy when you beat him at stuff, which is one of the most disgusting and cutest things I have ever heard in my life.”

Kageyama felt lightheaded. “That’s... Wow. That’s almost too much,” he said, overwhelmed. How long had Hinata felt this way? Kageyama felt like such an idiot. They spent all of their time together, and all of this time, Hinata had been pining after him. More than that, he had been taking care of him, and encouraging him, and checking up on him. Hinata was always there for Kageyama; meanwhile, Kageyama didn’t know him half as well as he thought he did.

“What are you going to do about it?” Yamaguchi asked.

Kageyama’s nose twitched, and he looked over to where Hinata was standing on the other side of the gym, laughing with the second years. Talking to Hinata about his feelings seemed like a hard conversation, especially because Hinata was so good at changing the subject.

However, Suga had made it very clear that communication was key. This didn’t seem like something Kageyama could let fester any more than it already had, even if the idea of talking about something so serious made Kageyama feel like throwing up.

But there were some things worth battling his anxiety for, and Hinata was one of them.

“I’m going to talk to him,” Kageyama said. He took a step forward, and his knee almost buckled beneath him. Somehow, his cheeks heated up even further. “Just... maybe not right away.”

Hinata bounced along next to Kageyama on the walk back to his house. He was talking about volleyball –per usual- and usually, Kageyama would be clinging to his every word. But today he was distracted.

Instead of listening to what Hinata was saying, he was too busy focusing on his cute little hands that moved when he talked and the twinkle in his wide eyes. Kageyama knew how Hinata felt about him, but he also knew how he felt about Hinata.

It was all good things.

Without thinking –because if he thought about it, he would chicken out- Kageyama bent down and cut Hinata off with a kiss to the cheek.

Hinata sputtered. “What was that?!” he asked, putting a hand up to his cheek. He had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, his bike falling against his hip. His expression looked scared, if Kageyama was reading him correctly: hopeful and scared.

“You do it to me all the time!” Kageyama exclaimed, not sure what to say now that he had gone and kissed Hinata with no warning.

“That’s different! I actually-“ Hinata stopped himself and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. His hand still hadn’t moved from his cheek. “Kageyama, I know you don’t get other people or anything, but you don’t just kiss people. You have to-“

“Like them,” Kageyama filled in. Hinata’s eyes widened fearfully. “Like I like you.”

Hinata’s bottom lip wobbled. “You like me?”

“Well, don’t start crying about it!” Kageyama said, mentally kicking himself when he realized how angry he had come off. He focused on softening his voice. “I mean, it’s a good thing, isn’t it? Because... because you feel the same about me.”

Hinata’s chin trembled. “You have no idea how he feel about you,” he squeaked and threw himself at Kageyama, burying his face into his chest. It knocked the wind out of Kageyama’s lungs. “I feel so many good things about you, Kageyama. You have no clue.”

Kageyama bit his bottom lip. He had seen all the warning signs, but he hadn’t expected Hinata to actually start crying. “I mean, I think I at least have some idea,” he said weakly, his arms finding purchase around Hinata’s shoulders.

Even if he didn’t know exactly how Hinata felt, he knew how it felt to love someone and want to put them before everything else. He knew how it felt to cherish someone, to love everything about them from their narrow shoulders to their itty-bitty feet.

Hinata seemed to understand what he meant without Kageyama having to explain himself. “You really like me?” he double-checked.

Kageyama blinked at him. Hinata’s snot and tears were starting to seep through the front of his shirt. The answer was easy. “Of course, I like you,” he answered. “I just don’t really know why you like me.”

“Because you’re great,” Hinata answered. “You’re better than me at just about everything, and you’re so good at volleyball. And you trust me, and that makes me feel so special. And you don’t get tired of hanging out with me, even though I know I can be loud and dumb or whatever.

“And... And maybe you don’t think you’re good to talk to or attractive, but I think you’re really funny, and I love listening to you talk about volleyball, even when you’re correcting me. And like... I really value your opinions, you know?

“And it really wouldn’t matter if you were as ugly as a doormat because everything else about you is so great, but like... Kageyama, you really are handsome. You’re so tall, and I like that you’re tan and you don’t care, and your eyes are so light compared to the rest of you, it’s so gorgeous. Everything about you is gorgeous. Handsome. Great.” Hinata took a breath that was so shaky; it rattled through Kageyama. “You’re going to have to stop me because I could keep going forever.”

“Ah, I don’t know if I deserve all that,” Kageyama said awkwardly, but he picked Hinata up anyway. Hinata latched on like a koala, his bike finally falling to the ground. “But I’m glad you feel that way.”

“I’m glad I can tell you I feel that way,” Hinata said, pulling away from Kageyama’s chest just to resituate himself in Kageyama’s arms. He rested his cheek on Kageyama’s shoulder. “I’m glad you like me.”

“Pretty sure I more than just like you,” Kageyama said. His voice was high pitched with nerves, but Hinata’s fingers in his hair were quick to calm him down. Even at his lowest moments, Hinata could always cheer him up. It stood to reason that Hinata would be able to keep him relaxed through something as easy as a confession.

Honestly, Hinata was perfect. Before coming to Karasuno and meeting his better half, Kageyama felt empty and alone. Hinata completed him. He was the only person who made him feel whole, and it broke his heart that Hinata had liked him for so long, while Kageyama used up all of his kindness and generosity. He deserved so much more.

Because when Kageyama felt like a zero, Hinata was the ten he needed.