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Chapter Text

The pen dug into my skin, the skin covered in ink from all today. It painted my arm up and down, side to side. Words I had written littered all over my left arm, the one I had designated to be practically beaten with my many used pens. I say that these were words I wrote, but that's not exactly what they were.

They'd make absolutely no sense at all if a normal person read them. Normal. I often noticed that I wanted to be normal, for the voices to leave my head, to stop torturing my dreams. I wanted something more out of my life rather than sitting in this circle, surrounded by trees.

This spot was so odd. There have never been trees in this one particular area. It created an empty space in the middle of this forest. There may have been no trees but it was still very dark. It was a place I could escape to to try and get rid of these demons inside my mind. My mind was like snow on the roads, so dangerous, cold, and suffocating.

This pen was running out of ink just from using it for a week now. I wrote and wrote endlessly. I couldn't stop. I jotted down everything Blurryface told me to. He told me that this was the only way to rid of him. I'd been doing it for so long. When I first started it helped, but now I did it because I was insane. Blurryface completely controlled me. He had taken over my entire being. I almost began to believe my eyes were turning red. Or maybe that was just from the redness of the claw marks on my face, when I tugged on my skin and drug my nails down my face, attempting to rip it off. I wished that I had two faces to prove which theory wor-

"Tyler."

I jumped at the sound of the voice and the hand on my shoulder.

"Tyler, stop. Stop clawing at your skin."

I looked down. I had drawn blood from my arm. Skin was collected under the nails of my right hand. It was black from the ink that was scribbled on my body. The pads of my fingers had some of it stuck on them too. My thumb was the only clean finger left.

I looked at my arm again, blood spilling out of it. It made me dizzy to look at. I then felt like I was suffocating. I grabbed at my neck, scratching at it.

That will only give me more ideas, Tyler. Hold onto your neck. Grip it with all your might. Do it. Choke yourself, pass out.

"No," I mumbled to Blurryface. "I can't do it in front of Josh."

Instead my hands traveled to my hair, pulling at it. I pulled as hard as I could at it, but it was so short after I had shaved it all off about two months earlier. So then I held onto my ears. I screamed at Blurryface to get away from me, to go to someone else's life. I didn't need or want this to happen in front of Josh. He could never love me when I was in this state. I needed him to speak to me. Just one word could calm me down at this moment.

"Tyler."

I almost didn't hear him over my piercing screams. My hands came off of my ears. My heart rate slowed back down. And the screams ceased to exist when he said my name.

I loved Josh.

He was the opposite of Blurryface.

Josh was the tear in my heart.

Chapter Text

Josh sat down in front of me as he watched tears stream down my face. I couldn't tell if they were tears of happiness because I had Josh right next to me now, or if they were tears of distress because he once again saw me taken over by Blurryface.

I picked at the pieces of grass in front of my crossed legs, ripping them out of the ground harshly. I picked at them until I came across a leaf. I held it in my hand and examined it as I heard Josh start talking to me.

"You've been scribbling...again..?"

"Yes." My voice cracked on the 'e'. The tears spilled out of my eyes faster, more of them leaving streaks staining my cheeks. I crumbled the leaf in my hand, letting it fall.

Josh reached his hand out and grabbed my arm. The blood had started to scab over. He pulled out bandages from his back pocket and began ripping them open and sticking them to my scars. He then traced his fingers over the writing that was left on my arm.

"I wish I could understand this all completely. I wish I could take away this pain and see you happy. It's been so long since I've seen you smile." Josh smiled at the thought of it alone. "I want to see it again."

I frowned when he said that. How can I be happy when I have my demons hovering over my shoulder 24/7, whispering all the horrible things they will cause to happen to me?

"I can't smile."

"Yes, you can, Tyler. I've seen you do it before. Remember when I made you laugh because I tripped and fell while dancing to you sing?"

"Yeah." I turned my head to look further at the ground beneath me.

"You were so happy with me that day. I loved and cherished every moment of it. You even blushed every time I said your name. It was so adorable." I could see happiness grow inside of Josh at the memory. His eyes closed so much when he smiled. The crinkles it caused were even better. I could literally admire everything about Josh for the rest of my life.

"You're smiling."

I looked up to Josh so he could see my face. "What?"

"You're smiling."

"N-no, I am not." I blushed.

"Stop blushing. You look too cute!" Josh exclaimed just loud enough for me to hear.

I blushed even more at that. I felt my smile grow, my teeth showing. It felt weird. I didn't realize how long it had actually been since I had done that. It felt really good, especially since it was because of Josh.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to smile more."

"I'm glad."

We sat in silence, listening to the birds chirp and the crickets create that oddly pleasing sound of nature.

"Down in the forest we'll sing a chorus," I sang. "One that everybody knows. Hands held higher. We'll be on fire, singing songs that nobody wrote." I began to calm down a lot more as I sang.

Josh grabbed my hand and held it tight, not letting go. He sighed in contentment. "I wish we could sit here forever, me listening to you sing, and us staring up at the stars. Your voice is so gorgeous! The stars are nothing compared to it."

"Thank you, Josh."

Josh surprised me with a statement as he stood up. "Let's dance." He pulled me up by my hand to stand with him. He put his arms around my waist as mine wrapped around his neck. Josh stepped back with his left foot. I put my right foot forward. Then we went to the side. My right foot, his left. My right went back, his left went forward. Then to the side with our other feet. We continued this over and over again, dancing in the moonlight.

My eyes trailed from our feet to his eyes. We locked eyes onto each other. His pupils grew large at the sight of me before him, mine doing the same of him. Josh leaned forward resting his forehead against mine. I could feel his steady breaths speed up the longer we stayed in that position.

"Tyler."

"Hmm?"

"You're beautiful."

So many thoughts ran through my head at that moment. Good and bad ones.

Tell him you love him.

He's just trying to make you feel better.

He has totally fallen for you.

Ew, how could he love you? That would be absolutely repulsive.

Kiss him.

He'll pull back.

He'll lean into it and enjoy it.

He'll never talk to you again if you do it.

It's worth the risk. You'd at least get to kiss your true love?

Your true love that thinks you're disgusting.

Before I knew what was happening Josh leaned forward even further. He did it so slowly. Just before his lips had the chance to touch mine, I pulled away and ran. I ran and said something that I could tell shattered Josh.

"I'm sorry, but I can't let this go on anymore."

Chapter Text

Tears trickled down my cheeks for the third time that day as the cold, hard ground crunched beneath my feet. When I finally ran out of breath, I slowed down until I came to a complete stop. I looked for the largest tree around, only a few feet away from me, and threw my back against it. I slid down it, knees bending ever so slowly, elbows twisting to cover my head as I buried my face into my thighs.

The sound of the leaves swaying harshly due to the chilly night breeze flew through one ear and out the other. I attempted to focus all of my attention on it so that my mind could clear. Soon enough my sobs racked my body and engulfed my surroundings.

That was smart, kid. Good job.

"Stop, Blurryface," I said seemingly to myself since no one was around.

Oh, shut up. I'm tired of listening to you whine about me. Get over it. I'm going to control you no matter what. If it was even possible, Blurryface's voice sounded deeper.

"You can't control me. Never have and never will."

Keep telling yourself that, Tyler. It doesn't effect me whatsoever. You can think now that I don't control you, but I will one day. One day I will take over your entire body. Black hands, black neck, and bright red eyes will decorate your delicate frame. I can't wait until that day because I will find Josh. I'll torture him until my flaming eyes haunt his vision every second of the day and night. You know what I'll do to him?

1. I will grip him by the neck and pull him off of the ground, letting his feet dangle just an inch above the ground so that he thinks he can get down. But he won't because I'll grip even harder, leaving my black hand print on his neck. Then just before he passes out in my hand I'll lower him and let go.

"No, no, stop. Don't do it. Don't even finish. Shut up." I shook my head back and forth, rocking on my heels and my butt. The skin covering my spine was pinched every time it hit the bark of the tree. I loudly hissed from pain.

2. He thinks he's free, that he can make a run for it. Oh no, no, no. That's not how it works. I'll handcuff his hands behind his back before he can place a foot in front of the other to prepare his launch. I'll lead him to a chair inside of my imaginary treehouse, tying his legs to it with thick rope. I'll even stick rope in his mouth for him to gag on so he can't scream for you, Tyler, to come back out of me.

3. Skinning. Yes, I will skin him with my sharpest blades, sharpened just for his fresh, smooth skin.

I screamed as loud and long as my lungs could allow without practically bursting. My nails dug into the skin of my legs, piercing them deeply, pulling and peeling each layer off.

And lastly, my friend, is the best one yet.

"You won't reach Josh. I won't let you. I'll protect him with my entire exsistence before you lay a finger on him."

Josh will indeed burn.

Chapter Text

I had to find him. After what Blurryface told me I had to find Josh. I was determined to tell him why we needed to distance ourselves so that I didn't hurt him. I couldn't let the love of my life be killed, especially not by me. I had to save him.

I drifted off into my nightmares, that encountered me every night, that night specifically. They were all of Blurry killing Josh. Some of them were him being stabbed in the heart or stomach with so much force I practically gagged in my sleep. One was first person point of view of me holding a gun up to his forehead. His eyes bore into mine, filling with tears. His bottom lip quivered, his body shook. His legs wobbling in utter fear, horror, and terror.

"T-Tyler... Please don't. Don't do this to me. You can't let this happen," Josh whimpered at me.

"That's too bad, Josh. You're a little late, don't you think?" I said cockily in return. The only thing was it didn't sound like me at all. My voice was exceptionally deep. It wasn't me holding that gun up to his head.

It was Blurryface.

"Tyler. Before you pull that trigger, I want you to know something."

"Make it quick."

"I love you."

Blurryface immediately pulled the trigger after Josh's statement.

I awoke with a jolt.

That was just a dream. He doesn't actually love you, Tyler. But that whole gun situation is a pretty good idea.

"Don't even try it. I'll kill the both of us before that ever happens," I said threateningly.

You're not a very convincing person, Tyler. You wouldn't kill me even after I kill Josh. You're too much of a chicken because if I go down, so do you.

"Blurry, I've tried before," I mumbled, remembering those awful memories I wish I could just throw away. "You know that."

Oh, I do. It'd be fun to witness you try it again.

"I will not!" I yelled to the dark, starry sky. "I am not under your command. I will not let you win and control me." Tears began to fall against my red, stained cheeks.

I cried,"I will save Josh if it's the last thing I do, even if I end up dying because of you." My eyelids drooped closed once again as I laid in a puddle of my salty tears.

My eyes opened the next morning to a beautiful orange, pink, purple, and blue sunrise. I was surprised I wasn't shivering from being so cold last night. I looked at my body and it was covered with a plaid blue blanket.

"What? Where did this-" That's when I noticed an arm resting across my waist. I will admit I had a panic attack right then. Although I calmed down when I saw the tattoo of a tree. I laid back into Josh's body, soaking up the moment. His steady, deep breaths falling against my neck, his chest moving along my back as his lungs inhaled and exhaled. Josh nuzzled his face right above my shirt collar in the back. His lips softly brushing across me with every breath he took. If Paradise was real this was it.

I picked up Josh's hand and rubbed my thumb across his knuckles. They looked brown as if they were bruised. The first time I swiped my thumb his hand twitched as if it hurt. I paused and looked over at him to make sure he was still peacefully sleeping. Then I continued.

When I got bored of that, I traced my fingers along his tattoo all the way up his arm. My fingers walked on his shoulder and neck as I turned my body over to face him. I rested my hand on his neck. My eyes trailed down to his lips. I almost pulled forward and kissed him but I didn't. I had to exercise my self control. Instead I led my fingers to his jaw, crawling until I got to his chin. It would've been so easy to just press my mouth to his. I was stupid for not doing it.

I couldn't even think of kissing him when I remembered what Blurryface and I had discussed previously.

All I could think was 'This boy, who I am currently lying in the arms of, is the boy I am destined to save.'

Chapter Text

Josh's eyes fluttered open after I laid in his arms for another hour or so. He smiled widely as soon as he caught my eyes.

"Good morning, Tyler," Josh rasped out. I blushed at the sound of his voice deeply saying my name.

I didn't even return a 'good morning, Josh' back. I just apologized for yesterday. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was stupid for screaming and crying yesterday. I'm sorry I told you I couldn't let this go on anymore. I just... it's not me who can't be around you. It's Blurry."

"What's wrong with Blurry?" Josh asked as he sat up with concern.

I sat up as well and muttered,"He wants to..."

"He wants to what, Tyler? You can tell me." Josh rubbed his hand up and down my arm in an effort to comfort me.

"Kill you. Blurry wants to kill you."

Josh's eyes widened in shock.

"The only ways to prevent that from happening are either I stay away from you for good or I commit suicide."

"Tyler, I won't let either of those things happen. I'm not letting you go. You already tried it once. I..." A tear rolled down Josh's face. "I don't want to lose you like that. Do you know how much pain you put me through when I saw you almost completely lifeless hanging from that tree? I was lucky to find you in time. My heart shattered when I saw you there. Your face was purple and white, eyes bulging, body dangling. If you would've died, I would've done the same thing. Tyler, there's no point in living anymore if I don't have you right there next to me. I'd have nothing to do, no one to talk to, no reason in existing any longer. You can't just leave me like this."

By the time he finished talking his eyes were flooded and he was sobbing into my shoulder.

He hardly croaked out a sentence that broke me.

"I-I love you, T-Tyler."

I'd been waiting so long to hear those words flow from his mouth. I was completely baffled at how he could just tell someone as jacked up as I am that he loved them.

"Josh... I..."

"It's okay, Tyler. You don't like me back. I understand why you wouldn't. I've just been waiting for so long to tell you."

"Josh, no. That's not what I s-" I stopped talking when I saw him looking up at me, tear-stained cheeks and watery eyes. I could only process and speak one thing at that moment. It just tumbled out of my mouth without a second thought.

"I owe you a dance."

I grabbed the lavender haired boy's hand, dragging him to stand up with me. I wrapped my left arm around his neck as his right arm wrapped around my waist. Our other hands intertwined fingers, holding our arms up. We swayed back and forth. His head rested on my shoulder as I felt tears trickle down the side of my neck. He let out an incoherent whine at one point. He sounded so helpless and depressed.

"It's okay, Josh. Everything's fine. I'm right here, right now," I shushed him.

Josh pulled me closer with his right arm and his hand gripped onto my shirt tightly. I couldn't bear seeing him in so much pain because of something stupid I did. I understand why though. It didn't take place that long ago, probably about two months.

Josh lifted his head and looked me in the eyes. "Tyler. I want you to know something important." I nodded. "The day that I found you hanging," I winced at his reference,"I promised myself I would protect you to the ends of the Earth. I promised myself that I wouldn't let you leave me like you tried ever again. I would love you and cherish you until I died because that was such a dark place for the both of us. I am never going to see you attempt something like that whether it be in the future or now. Do you promise me?"

"I'll try."

"No, Tyler. You will promise me this. You have to." I saw his eyes start welling up again and I couldn't take it anymore.

"I promise."

I quickly leaned forward and let our lips press together. Josh's lips were warm and made me melt in his arms almost literally. Our lips fit together and cooperated perfectly. We stood there just kissing for probably a good five minutes.

In that moment it didn't feel like fireworks were going off, like people say in the movies. It felt like relief. I didn't have to hold back from him anymore.

"I love you, Josh, so much," I said after we reluctantly pulled away.

And then we were once again connected by our lips.

Chapter Text

Josh and I danced for hours on end that day. We slow danced through the trees and leaves, leaving behind a little bit of us and a memory with every footstep. When we stopped, we sat down at the tree where Josh's blanket was laying. Our heads and backs rested against the trunk as we stared and admired the gorgeous nature around us.

Very sneakily, as I was looking away from Josh's direction at a squirrel, he slipped his hand into mine. I tensed up a bit, not recognizing what was touching me for a second. I turned my head back over toward him and my eyes soaked up everything about him. His eyes shifted over to mine for a split second before he completely moved his body to face me. Josh's eyes were like when you mix all of the colors in a crayon box together. It can create beauty, a new emotion, a new unique part of him when adding another color. That's why he's so amazing! Josh's diversity from all the other terrible people and monsters out there was infinite, only to be taken in a good way.

Josh rubbed circles into the top of my hand and asked me,"What are you thinking about?"

My eyes, I believed, were full of red. My eyes were like Blurryface's. I was absolutely nothing close to unique. I was one of the terrible monsters, tearing apart everything and everyone around me because it seemed that my brain just didn't care. I wanted everything to end for me instead. I wanted to leave and never come back to this Earth. I wanted to sleep peacefully, underground, where I'd never be bothered by those thoughts anymore. But I couldn't do that because now I had Josh. I had to live for Josh. It is so difficult to live for someone and not yourself. Although we are supposed to put others ahead of ourselves, right?

I'm just the luckiest person to ever exist to have Josh.

I'm not worthy of him, his kindness, his loving heart, his smile.

I am nothing, complete dirt, compared to Josh, and that's not what he deserves. He deserves more and better than I could ever be.

"Tyler. Tyler? What's wrong?"

"Josh, I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You deserve so much more than me and I wish I could be that for you, but I can't. And I never will. I'm nothing beside you. I just want you to be happy and having me around isn't going to help. That's all I want for you. I want you to have the best life possible without me ruining it. I'm so sorry that I'm such a screw up and destroyed your entire life being so problematic," I cried out. How could I be so stupid?

"Oh, Tyler." Josh pulled me into his embrace. I cried onto his shirt, drowning it in tears. I gripped his shirt with all my might like it was the only thing left helping me survive. His muscular arms wrapped around my frame made me feel safe and secure. "You've got it all wrong."

"What?"

"I don't deserve anything. I especially don't deserve you. I can't even begin to understand what I did to have you in my life. You're so beautiful. I can die happy with just the sight of your smile. You are incredibly smart. Your personality is uncomparable to anyone else's. People should be jealous of how incredible you are."

"No, they shouldn't. I'm just a weak boy with voices trapped inside my brain with no way out. I cling to a person for help and to get rid of my worries. I'm helpless."

"You are not helpless. I'm here for you. I'm not leaving your side."

"It's okay, Josh. It's okay for you to leave and move along. I don't have to be a burden for you to carry anymore. Just let go of me."

"No. I would never do such a thing to the person I am madly, deeply in love with. Tyler, I used to cry at night because I didn't think you'd ever love me back. I loved you till the point it literally hurt. I'd feel nauseous contemplating my love for you. I was just scared of what would happen if I told you how I felt. I'm not letting go now."

"I'm sorry. I was afraid too. I was afraid that if I told you you would leave me and never come back. I was afraid you'd hate my guts forever. I don't want you to leave me still, but it seems like the only logical thing left."

"The only logical thing left is for us to be together."

Josh tilted my chin up to look into my wet eyes. He forced his lips onto mine. I melted into his arms at the feeling. I made a disappointed grunt when we pulled away.

"Tyler, you are my everything. You mean more to me than the human brain can comprehend." His next sentence was definitely what all of this felt like.

"You're like a dream."

Chapter Text

Around evening time that day, as the sun sunk below the surface, Josh and I walked hand-in-hand back to our secluded area in the woods. His fingers willingly curled around mine with such ease, it seemed like we'd done this a million times before.

We accidentally fell asleep against a tree that night. We both should have gone back to our homes by now, but we didn't care at this point. We were so in love that nothing could separate us. Well, that's what I thought.

I was laying on Josh's chest listening to his heartbeat. One of his hands was holding mine while the other rested on my back. I felt his chest begin to slowly rise and fall, indicating that he had fallen asleep. My mind was focused on Josh and I felt very calm. It was almost too calm.

"No," I heard Josh demand under his breath. I looked up to see that he was still asleep. I'd thought that maybe he was talking to me for a second but he wasn't.

I'd never seen Josh speak in his sleep before, so I thought it was kinda cute. Oh, how wrong I was.

"No. Get away from me. Get away from him." Is he talking about me? I wondered.

"I swear to God I will kill you. Touch him and you're dead." I began to worry at this point.

"Josh. Josh, wake up." I shook his shoulder, but he didn't even as much as flinch.

Josh suddenly grabbed my wrist. He twisted it until the point I was screaming in pain and agony.

"OW! JOSH, STOP!" I screamed as loud as I could. He didn't stop, though. Instead, he dug his nails into my back, dragging them up to my neck.

"JOSH! STOP IT! AH!" Josh then gripped me by the neck, squeezing so I couldn't breathe. I gasped for air desperately and hard. I looked at him and noticed that his eyes were still closed. Was he actually killing someone in his dream?

Josh threw me onto the ground, still holding me by my neck. He pulled both of my hands above my head and swung his knees to either side of my waist. He had me pinned down and completely powerless. His hand pushed harder against my throat., holding for about 30 seconds. He finally let go, but it didn't end there. Josh threw punches into my sides and my face with as much force as he could muster.

I felt cold tears trickle down past my temples and into my hair as I tried to take my mind off of the pain. I screamed, cried, thrashed around, and even tried hitting him back. But nothing worked. So I took it. I dealt with the pain.

When he stopped, probably finally killing the person in his dream, he opened his eyes. They immediately widened when he saw what he had done to me.

"Tyler? Oh my god, what did I do to you? I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so, so, so, so incredibly sorry, baby! I didn't even know I was doing this to you. I thought it was just my dream."

Josh tried to help me sit up, but I kicked him away. Well, I kicked with the very little strength I had left. I shriveled up into a ball on my side and cried.

"Tyler, please! I'm so sorry! I can't believe I did this to you! Let me call 911."

"N-no," I attempted to say through my whimpers of pain.

"Yes, Ty. You're in such bad pain. I can't let you just stay like this. I'll get someone to help."

"No, Josh. You just need to leave."

"No. I am not leaving you here like this."

"Yes, you are. I'll go home and help myself. I promise. I just- I do not want to see you right now."

"Ty, please." Josh reached his hand out for me.

"Get away from me!" I yelled into his face. "Now."

"Tyler," he cried as he stepped back from shock.

"GO!"

Josh quickly ran into the direction of his house, crying out 'I'm sorry' on his way. I lied there in some of the worst pain ever. My body shivered in the cold night. I attempted to stand up, but I could hardly sit. It was hard for me to even breathe. After so many tries, I finally stood and leaned against a tree. My weak legs carried me back to my house, where it was just me and Mom.

My dad had left a few years earlier with the rest of my family. I chose to stay with Mom. She quickly got over it and has dealt with it so well, as if nothing even happened. She's been as sweet as ever, if not more, trying to take care of me. I've been a heck of a pain to deal with. I can tell by the look in her eyes everytime I'm distraught, which is very often. I deprive myself of food and sleep, so it's more of a struggle to get me to eat or take a small nap.

I stumbled into the front door, immediately falling over and onto my face.

"Tyler!" My mom yelled. She helped pick me up and lead me to my room. I laid onto the bed, not being able to move whatsoever. All of my strength was taken out of walking here.

Mom pulled the blankets out from under me and placed them on my body. She also lifted my head up and laid it onto my soft pillow. She kissed my forehead before saying,"You poor thing. What happened?" and then turned off all of the lights, closed the blinds, and shut the door.

I drifted off into sleep, which I had none of, with scary thoughts.

The bruises on my body were from Josh.

I had been beaten.

Chapter Text

The next day I woke up with an incredibly loud grumbling stomach and weak, bruised body. I looked to my bedside table to see if my phone was even still there where I'd left it from the several days prior to my disappearance into the forest with... Josh. Oh.

I saw that it was still laying there, facedown on the table. Sunlight seeping in through the very small cracks in the blinds reflected off of the black case. It probably would've been an incredibly cool picture to take, but I obviously couldn't, hence the whole phone part. Okay, I'm getting off topic here.

I picked it up, clicking on the power button. The screen was filled with texts from the person who left me blue, both physically and emotionally. I swear I scrolled for like 5 straight minutes. I'm not joking. Every once in a while there would be a call. But every single notification had the name 'Joshie' attached to it.

Joshie (1)

"Tyler, I'm soooooooooooooo so so so sorry."

Joshie (32)

"I had no clue it was happening."

Joshie (55)

"I didn't mean it."

Joshie (103)

"It wasn't me doing that."

Joshie (117)

"I was like sleep walking."

Joshie (140)

"I can't forgive myself."

Joshie (189)

"Please answer."

Joshie (193)

"I did something so, so terrible, Tyler. You'll be so disappointed in me. Oh my god. I'm sorry, Ty. I shouldn't have done it."

Joshie (206)

"Never mind. You need sleep after all of that. Good night. I love you, Ty," read the last text.

I felt sick after reading everything he said. I knew he was sorry, but how could he do that to me? Was he actually asleep? Did he plan for me to think we were in love? Was he waiting for the perfect moment, when I was most gullible to him, to hurt me? Am I that much of a bother to him? Does he regret even meeting me in the first place?

These questions were haunting me, hanging over my shoulder with every second that passed. I loved Josh. I thought I loved Josh. I don't know. This was all too much for me to process after the previous night. I just needed some time to-

"Hi, Ms. Joseph." My heart dropped into my stomach. I guess I didn't need food now.

"Hello, Joshua. How are you?"

"Uh, definitely tired. I didn't get any sleep last night."

"Aw, you poor thing. You should really get home if you're tired, sweetheart,"

"Oh, I'll manage. I've got enough caffeine in me. How are you?"

"I'm just fine, thank you. Would you like to come in?"

"Yeah, thank you." A few steps made the floor creak distantly.

"Would you like anything to drink?"

"Water would be pleasant. Please and thank you, of course."

"Sure thing," More steps led close to my door, but then walked to the right into the kitchen. "So what brings you here, Mr. Dun?"

"I, uh, I was actually wondering if Tyler was home?" No, I couldn't talk to him. He needed to leave right now.

"Oh, I think he's still asleep." Again, footsteps walked into the living room. "He had a rough night. He came home with bruises all over him, just black and blue and purple." She got that right. "And he was extremely tired. All night I just heard him constantly twisting and turning in his bed and whining for someone or something to get away from him. They were almost screams in such a quiet house."

Josh didn't even reply to that.

"Josh, are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine," a wobbly voice answered.

"You're welcome to stay for a while or wait for Tyler or whatever. Just make yourself at home. If you need to you can take a nap. I was just about to make some breakfast."

"Thank you, really. It means a lot. Is it alright if I go check on him, see if he's awake and how he's doing?"

"Absolutely."

I heard Josh stand up from our squeaky couch. I threw my sheets over my body again, closed my eyes, and pretended as much as I could to be asleep. The knob slowly turned and opened the entire door. Josh walked in and closed it behind him slowly, as to not "wake" me. He tiptoed over to my bed, pulling up a chair that was sitting with my desk.

Josh sat down in front of me and grabbed my hand. I winced in pain and he muttered a "sorry." I could feel his gaze run up and down my body, from face to hidden feet. I almost fell asleep in that time because he took so long. Eventually he rubbed the bruises on my arm and hand as if that would make them just disappear. Josh huffed with disappointment at what he'd done to me. He put my hand back onto the bed and let go.

I had no longer felt Josh's gaze on my body when I realized he had gotten out of his seat. I could tell the direction of his footsteps were leading over to my desk, where I had my notebook. That notebook contained lyrics, Blurryface's words, drawings, and my... yeah, blades.

Josh walked back over to me and sat down as he flipped through pages of... my notebook. I mentally cursed myself for what I'd written and drawn in there. Josh would be devastated. I could hear him read one of my poems to himself.

I love poems because there are no rules. You can write whatever and however. There's no such thing as correct punctuation, grammar, and spelling. It's how you want it to be. You're the creator. You're in control of what goes on in that poem. It can have tons of deep meaning or no message whatsoever, just scribbles of random words put on a piece of paper.

After Josh had read my writing, he exclaimed, "T-Ty. Tyler. Oh my God! Is this how you really feel? Why haven't you shared this with me earlier?"

At this point Josh was sobbing into his hand, trying to stifle his cries. He wiped his tears off of his face. I was still pretending to be asleep and held in my tears as well as I could. Josh leaned his head onto the edge of my bed as his cries slowed down.

"Tyler, I'm sorry I wasn't good support for you. I-I should've asked you how you truly, deeply felt. And I'm sorry about last night. I didn't sleep at all. I know I shouldn't have done it, but ... I hurt myself for the first time. And it was deep, too."

Oh. My. God. Josh could not have done that. No. NO.

"I'm so sorry."

"Josh, breakfast is ready if you want to come eat!" My mom yelled.

"I'm sorry, Ty."

Josh left the room after pressing a kiss to my fingers.

Chapter Text

I waited another 30 minutes before I actually got out of bed that morning. I spent the time crying and shivering under my sheets because of what Josh had said about hurting himself. I told him to never do it, that he'd regret it. I told him to stay clean for me, that he'd have betrayed me if he ever did. The thought alone made me completely sick.

I forced myself to get out of my warm, comfy bed and face Josh. The pain was agonizingly terrible. I will admit I tripped over my own feet and had to grip onto the wall occasionally. Twisting my doorknob sucked, too. Having to move my wrist like that was... Ugh! I managed to stumble quietly to the kitchen. I actually surprised my mother and Josh.

My mother was pouring a glass of milk for Josh when she saw me and immediately went silent. Josh snapped his head to me. His eyes narrowed down on my small, bruised frame. Suddenly, he jumped from his seat and wrapped his large arms around my body. I was very taken aback in the moment but was able to hug him back, exceptionally slowly. Although this boy had beaten me in ways I didn't know were possible, I was glad to see him despite what he had done to himself. All that mattered was that Josh was safe and I was okay too, I guess.

Josh nuzzled his face into my neck and whispered,"Hi."

"Hi."

He pulled back and looked into my eyes, almost studying them. "Do you want some breakfast, Ty?"

"No, no. I'm fine." I was obviously lying. That's just me. I practically starve myself, so why eat now?

"Tyler, you need to eat something. You look skeletal. Come on."

Josh helped me walk to the seat next to his at the kitchen table. Mom poured me a glass of milk and laid some pancakes and syrup on a plate in front of me.

"I'm glad you're up, sweetie," my mom said after sitting down in her seat.

"Thank you, Mom. And thank you for making breakfast," I replied.

"You're welcome. You both need some strength anyway. So, Tyler, would you like to explain to me how you ended up like... this?" she asked, pointing at my bruises.

"Um, it's kind of a long story. I'll tell you later." Josh looked down at his lap, ashamed.

We spent the rest of breakfast in silence. It was very awkward until Josh rested his hand on top of mine under the table. Afterward I excused him and myself back to my room while mother cleaned up the kitchen. I wrapped my arm around his neck for support as we walked back. He slowly sat me on the bed.

"Josh, do you wanna go for a drive?" The breakfast had helped fill me with energy, so I decided to get up and do something, despite the fact that I wanted to lay under my sheets all day and cry.

"Sure."

I threw on some jeans, a shirt, and some shoes.

Soon enough I ended up holding hands with Josh as he drove his car.

Chapter Text

"Where do you wanna go, Tyler?" Josh asked as he drove to no particular place.

"Can we go to my Thinking Bridge?"

"Yeah. Is there something you want to talk about?"

"I-I think so," I replied, thinking of the fresh scars on Josh's wrist that I had yet to see. Josh shifted his hands on the steering wheel nervously.

We arrived at our destination within five minutes, the Thinking Bridge. Well, at least that's what Josh and I call it. We come here when we have something on our minds or something we want to ask each other. It's just an old rusty bridge in the middle of the huge forest near my house. No one hardly comes here besides us. It's on a plant-covered walking trail, above a creek, anyway, so we don't expect people to even know of this spot.

I got out of the car and walked over to the bridge, jumping over the side onto the cement to sit down on the large rusted rail. Josh followed me. I sat there staring at the water below us, picking up rocks and throwing them into it. I could see our reflections in the murky water, ripples distorting our image. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Josh pull down the sleeve of his sweater, covering his hand. I wanted to just break down into tears at that moment, but I couldn't. I felt no emotion. I was numb.

The more I stared into the water, the more I believed that I could see black on my neck and hands and red irises. I was afraid of this person, this creature I was hallucinating of. My chest began to tingle. The feeling trailed up my neck and to my mouth. Soon enough it spread to my hands. I attempted to grip the railing, to test if I could still feel. I felt nothing. The tingling walked down my chest and hit my lungs.

I couldn't breathe.

I gasped for air as hard as I could, suddenly grabbing Josh's attention. When I exhaled, it didn't feel like anything was coming out. I sucked back in through my nose and out through my mouth, not helping me whatsoever. I was suffocating.

"Tyler! What is it? Is it another anxiety attack?" Josh practically yelled with concern.

I nodded as much as I could.

"Ty, it's okay. You're okay. You can get through this. I know you can. You've done it before. Breathe in, breathe out." Josh wrapped one arm around my waist while the other rubbed my back. He breathed with me. "In...out...in...out... Good. That's good, Ty. You've got it. Are you okay?"

It felt a little better, but I still couldn't find the touch of the railing under my hands. I didn't even know whether I was holding onto it or not at this point. Tears began to well in my eyes as I turned toward Josh and leaned my head onto his shoulder, sobbing about how I couldn't do it.

I suddenly felt something. It most definitely was not what I expected. It was a hand crawling just under my shirt and above the waistband of my jeans, slightly brushing against that area of skin. That's all it did. It caressed my skin until I calmed down.

My breaths returned to normal, I could feel the railing on my legs, the air touching my cheek as the wind blew, the hands touching my skin and my clothed back. I then realized I was gripping tightly onto Josh's shirt as I cried.

"Ssh. You're okay. It's okay. You did it, Ty. You did it," Josh praised me.

"Thank you, Josh. Thank you," I sobbed louder, more tears spilling out of my brown, glossy eyes. I could only cry because I was so glad to have Josh. He knows exactly how to calm me down. He's the only person I've ever found that can do that, and I'm eternally grateful.

"Tyler, please don't cry. Baby, it's over. You're fine. Nothing can hurt you. I'm right here to help. I've got you."

I leaned my shoulder into Josh's chest as my sobs slowly quieted. I looked up at him. "I love you so m-"

My sentence was cut off as a hiccup popped out of my mouth.

 Josh giggled at me. "I love you, too, bub. Very, very much." He pressed a kiss to my temple and rubbed his hand soothingly against my arm. His other hand rested on my knee. I looked down at it; it was the one that touched my skin. I traced the veins in his hand with my index finger, admiring the structure. I was interrupted by another hiccup, followed by a soft giggle in the back of Josh's throat.

I glanced up at Josh once again and ended up staring. He gazed at the setting in front us before he caught me.

"What? Is there something on my face?" the fluffy-haired boy asked me.

"Not that I see. It's just my lips." I jumped forward and pressed my lips to his, taking him by complete surprise. I tilted my head to the right when our noses began to brush. I let go for half a second to catch my breath and look at the boy before me. My hands cupped his jawline, my shoulders shrugging up, and my legs fitting between his thighs as I sat back on my heels. Both of his arms wrapped around my waist, pressing me closer to him. Then I reached forward just to be connected to him again. It was so sudden that I accidentally knocked Josh off balance and onto his back. We continued kissing for a while, when I abruptly hiccupped with a high pitched sound.

Josh, once again, giggled with entirely pure happiness and sunshine. "Tyler Joseph, you are the smallest, cutest person alive! I love you so, so much!" He peppered and showered my face with tiny, heartfelt kisses.

"I love you, too. Thank you, Jo-"

Erupting from my mouth, in a high pitched voice, were another two hiccups.

Chapter Text

"Josh," I suddenly said seriously, cutting off his kisses.

"Yes, Tyler?" I could sense the uneasiness in his voice.

"I have something we need to talk about." I pulled my body away from his and sat back down on the railing.

"Continue."

"I-I wasn't asleep when you came into my room this morning," I said with a monotone voice and dead eyes.

Josh sucked in a large breath. "You heard everything?"

"Yeah."

"Tyler, I'm sorry. I can't forgive myself," Josh pleaded.

"Josh, you broke our promise." I stared into my lap. "You promised me you would stay clean, for me."

"I know, I know. I immediately regretted it. Ty-"

"Don't call me that right now."

"Sorry. Tyler, I tried not to do it. I tried to think of all the reasons I shouldn't have done it, but the memory of you so hurt, from what I had done, pushed me over the edge."

"Josh. That hurt me more than what you did the other day." My eyes were completely dry. I had spent my tears earlier that morning. "Let me see them."

Josh pushed the sleeve up on his left arm and displayed his wrist to me. There were three dark red scabbed-over scars sitting upon his pale skin. I never thought this day would come. I never thought I'd see Josh give up like this. He seemed so strong to me. He was my support, my lean-on. He promised he'd never hurt himself and he lied. Our trust had been broken.

I was broken.

Josh was broken.

"We're broken people."

Josh nodded in agreement.

"Josh, I want you to know that no matter what happens, I love you. Okay?"

"Yeah. I'll love you no matter what."

I leaned my head onto Josh's chest, closing my eyes.

"Do you believe in angels?" I blurted out without a second thought.

"Sure, why not?"

First, I smiled at the thought before I spoke it aloud.

"I think you're an angel."

Chapter Text

I woke up the next morning in my bed. Sheets were tossed everywhere. My pillow was smashed under my neck. My phone was buzzing continuously, a mile a minute.

'Josh' flashed across the screen.

I immediately pressed the answer button. "Hello?" I asked nervously. Please be okay.

"Tyler!" Josh squealed at me. "Finally, you picked up! You need to come out to the forest right now. There is no time to wait."

"I-is everything okay? Are you alright? Are you hurt? I swear to God if someone ev-"

"Tyler, come down, bub. I'm fine. Everything's okay. Everything is perfectly fine. You just have to come out here and see what I found. You're gonna be so excited!"

"Oh, thank goodness. I-I'll be there soon. Bye."

"Bye, bub."

I hung up and quickly threw on some jeans and a shirt with some random shoes. I opened my door and walked out to find that my mother was nowhere to be seen. I grabbed some paper and wrote her a note that I'd be back soon. After that, I flew out of the door.

My legs swiftly carried me through the forest to our spot. There Josh was with a long stick in his hand and a large smile upon his face.

"Hi, bub."

"Hi, Josh. So you made me run all the way here to see a big stick?" I sarcastically asked him.

"No, silly. I was exploring a little bit and found something pretty cool. Follow me."

Josh held his hand out to me and I grabbed it. We slowly walked hand-in-hand to wherever, the anticipation killing me with every passing second.

"Gosh, Josh. When are we gonna get there? This better not be a waste of time," I complained.

"Oh, it's not. We just haven't really explored these woods all that much, so I went out and found this little clearing. I have a feeling we'll be visiting it a lot," Josh replied. "And stop being so whiney, baby boy."

"Did you just call me baby boy?"

"Maybe, maybe not. Why? Do you like it?"

"Maybe, maybe not." I smirked at Josh.

He ruffled my hair with his hand. "You're special, but I still love you!"

"Aw, thank you, Joshie." I held onto his arm and lied all of my weight on it as we continued walking.

"So you're not going to say you love me back?" Josh questioned, sarcastically offended.

"Mmm... maybe, maybe not," I teased him.

He sighed. "Oh, Tyler. What am I gonna do with you, baby boy?"

"Uh, I say you hurry up and show me this super exciting thing you woke me up for before I leave you and go back to my house to finish sleeping."

"We're almost there, I promise. Just be patient, will you?"

"Fine." I rolled my eyes at him. We walked a little ways more before Josh stopped us in front of a row of tall trees and bushes that I couldn't see past.

"Are you ready, baby boy?"

"Yes, finally!"

"Okay, we'll walk in on the count of three. 1...2...3..."

Josh quickly smacked a bush out of the way as I stepped past it.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw what could only be my biggest dream ever.

A treehouse.

Chapter Text

hello to everyone who stuck with this story and loved it. i’m really sorry to say that i’m done with it. i simply don’t ship tyler and josh anymore. and id like to turn this account around but i cant do that if i hold on to this story. so i’m not going to delete it but it will be orphaned. feel free to continue it but please give me credit for my writing. i worked very hard on this so long ago and still want people to see that. thank you for understanding.
love,
strwbrrymin
ps if you want more of my writing but about bts go to my account ^^