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He was praying again. Dean couldn’t see him, but he could hear. Nothing distinctive, just mumbled words. Probably kneeling at the side of the bed, by the window—that was his favorite spot. Dean had just gotten out of the shower, and he’d learnt that while he showered, Sam prayed. Each night his rambling seemed longer. Dean felt like he was going insane. When had Sammy started believing? Where had he learnt it? What did he pray about?
Nothing that Sam kept secret like this could be good. He needed to know what was so important Sam had to pray to God about it. Was it morally correct to listen to a private prayer? Probably not. But it was Sam, and everything that was Sam’s was Deans. Always had been. So, he listened.
“Dear God, thank you for letting us return safe from this hunt. Thank you for saving Dean from that vampire.”
Dean snorted at that, that had nothing to do with some God. No, that was all him.
Sam took a deep breath before continuing, apparently done with his thanks. “God, are we judged for our thoughts? Is it a sin if I have never acted on it? I have prayed for forgiveness time and time again, and yet here I am again.”
What? What did he do desperately need forgiveness for? Was this about the visions?
“Father, please grant me forgiveness and guidance. Please let me wake up tomorrow and never think of him in that way again.” Sam had never treated their real father with that much respect. Guess only fantasy gets that treatment, Dean thought bitterly.
His voice soft and breathy, Sam begged, “Please Father, wash away my sinful thoughts of my brother.” Dean jolted, his head that had been pressed up against the peeling paint of the door jerking back. “Let my mind and body never yearn for his touch again.”
Sam shuddered and Dean fought the urge to go to his side. What was he saying? It didn’t make sense. Dean understood what he was saying abstractly, but it was all wrong. No, whatever thoughts Sam had about him, God wouldn’t fix him. Whatever yearnings he had, God wouldn’t take them away.
“Please God, save me.”
God didn’t exist. Dean did.
And Dean could save him.