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Chapter Text

Lucius Malfoy struck his best pure-blood pose in front of the mirror. He smiled, pleased with himself. He proceeded to parade back and forth, dignified and austere, always observing the effect of his display in the mirror.
“Lucius?”
His wife’s voice, subtly laced with anger, froze him in place. Malfoy turned slowly towards her, hiding his embarrassment behind a jovial smile.
“Have you packed the suitcases?” Narcissa asked, ignoring the scene she had inadvertently witnessed.
“Of course, Cissy. They’ve been ready since this morning, dear.”
“Good. And have you remembered who the Ministry member was that invited us to Soldier Island?”
Malfoy shook his head regretfully. “No, but I’m sure I’ll recognize them as soon as I see them. How odd, though, to sign off with just initials.”
A few days earlier, an owl from the Ministry had arrived with the usual morning post. It carried the following letter:

Dear Mr. Malfoy,
It has been quite some time since I last had the pleasure of speaking with you. From what I’ve heard, things haven’t been going too well for you lately. How about a vacation, then? Your family is, of course, included in the invitation.
Fortunately, I won four tickets to Soldier Island—the famous resort—and since I’m alone, I thought spending those days in the company of an esteemed man like yourself would be a true privilege.
I hope you will accept my invitation.
Best regards,
U.N.O.

Lucius had promptly replied to the amiable gentleman, writing that he was honored by such an invitation and accepted with immense gratitude. The next day, the tickets arrived. Malfoy shared the good news with Narcissa, and she practically jumped for joy, explaining how ‘in’ it was to go to such a ‘cool’ place. Soldier Island was, in fact, a magical resort where, according to rumors, there was no need for a wand because everything anticipated the wizard’s needs, allowing them to relax completely in that paradise.
“Draco, don’t be late!” Narcissa shouted as she made the final touches to her appearance.
Obediently, her son came down in his best suit and waited by the fireplace for his mother. About an hour later, the Malfoy family was ready to travel to Soldier Island via Floo Powder.

“Rodolphus, get out of the way!” shrieked Bellatrix every time her husband got between her and something that absolutely had to go into her suitcase.
“Yes, Bella,” came his meek response.
That year, Bellatrix had suggested taking separate vacations. At first, he objected, considering it unwise, but in the end, he had capitulated, as always. After so many years of marriage, he had learned that opposing her when she wore that ‘I’ll-cast-a-Cruciatus-on-you-if-you-don’t-obey’ expression was highly counterproductive and masochistic. So, he decided to follow Rabastan, who was heading to the Maldives with Yaxley, Dolohov, and a few others.
Bellatrix closed the last suitcase, regretting not having borrowed one of her sister’s house-elves. But it was worth the effort. She smiled ecstatically: she was about to spend a week at Soldier Island with none other than Lord Voldemort himself! The witch could hardly believe her luck. Naturally, Rodolphus knew nothing about what she had dubbed her ‘romantic getaway with the Dark Lord.’
“Rod, I’m just going to the bathroom for a moment!” she informed her husband, leaving her fantasies aside.
Like Narcissa, Bellatrix had a very personal idea of what ‘a moment’ meant. Rodolphus, who knew this well, wasn’t too worried when, two hours later, she still hadn’t emerged. In fact, he took the opportunity to read a letter that had arrived three days earlier. After all, ensuring that his Bella wasn’t in danger was his duty.

Dear Bellatrix,
How about a vacation, just you and me?
If the answer is yes, I’ll be waiting for you on Soldier Island on August 8th, otherwise I’ll be alone with Nagini.
See you soon,
You-Know-Who

Rodolphus, unaware of Bellatrix’s feelings for Voldemort, was reassured: if the Dark Lord was there, Bella wouldn’t be in danger. At that moment, an owl flew in.

Roddy, sorry, but the trip’s canceled due to bad weather.
Rabastan

The Death Eater read the message with annoyance, then his face brightened. He knew where his Bella was heading, and now he was free! He could surprise her! With all the galleons he had in Gringotts, he could easily afford a ticket to Soldier Island. With the image of a thrilled Bellatrix enchanted by his surprise, he returned to reading the Daily Prophet, smiling joyfully as he waved his wife off.

Voldemort flew with Nagini draped over his shoulders. Everything that had happened in the past few days was truly strange...

My Lord,
I know what you’re looking for. Well, I know where it is, though it may seem unbelievable to you. But I swear it’s true: the infamous Elder Wand, also known as the Wand of Destiny or the Deathstick, is located on Soldier Island. Yes, the famous resort.
I will be there on August 8th, and if you join me, I will show you the exact location. To disguise the purpose of your trip, I’ve enclosed two tickets in the envelope, so you can pretend you’re on vacation.
With deep respect,
Your devoted U.N. Owen

Owen? He couldn’t think of anyone with that last name. Who was this person? How much did they know? Could he trust them?
Voldemort circled for a good quarter of an hour before reaching a conclusion: he would go to Soldier Island, extract all the information Owen possessed, and either obtain the wand or kill anyone who had set a trap for him.
Having made his decision, he thought about who to bring along. He needed someone loyal, obedient, not too curious, skilled, perhaps attractive enough not to embarrass him on the beach...
Bellatrix’s face appeared in his mind. Of course! With her, he’d combine business with pleasure! If the wand turned out to be a hoax, he would still enjoy a pleasant vacation with his favorite. After Nagini, of course.

Snape cast a disgusted glance at Greyback, who was busy devouring an enormous plate of steaks. Who, in their right mind, had accepted his invitation to spend the holidays together?
He had no idea, but even the werewolf wasn’t particularly enthusiastic. Fenrir simply hated having fun alone, and when he had torn open a letter containing a vacation voucher for himself and a companion, he asked around to see who wanted to join him. Some Death Eaters had sincerely declined, others had made up far-fetched excuses. Almost resigned to going solo like a dog, he had turned to Snape, who had accepted because, as he put it, he had nothing better to do. In Greyback’s opinion, Snape was just a freeloader. He wasn’t the best company, but he would do. So, they boarded the Knight Bus and had been traveling for about half an hour.
“Oh, sorry, Severus,” Greyback snickered when, after yet another sudden stop, a piece of steak splattered onto the unlucky man’s face.
Snape cleaned himself off with a flick of his wand, resigning himself to what promised to be a very long week.

Chapter Text

The Malfoys were the first to arrive in a kind of finely furnished waiting room.
“Hello,” the manager greeted them warmly.
“Hello. We are the Malfoy family,” Lucius said, handing over their tickets. “Has Mr. U. N. O. arrived yet?”
“I believe he’s already on the island.”
“On the island? Aren’t we already at Soldier Island?”
“Oh no, sir. Let me explain: to prevent intruders from stepping foot in the resort, we’ve made the island unreachable except by an authorized boat. There are no fireplaces there, you can’t Apparate, and if you try to arrive by other means, like broomsticks, the Howling Charm will activate.”
“You’ve been very thorough,” Narcissa complimented.
“Thank you, ma’am.”
Just at that moment, Bellatrix appeared in the middle of the room.
“Cissy?!” she almost shrieked, incredulous.
“Bella? You’re vacationing here too?” her sister said in surprise.
Lucius and Draco suppressed a grimace of disappointment, while Bellatrix didn’t bother to hide hers.
“But how…? I… the Dark Lord… alone,” the witch stammered, nearly hysterical.
Someone knocked on the door.
“Come in,” the manager replied, unfazed by the scene.
Snape and Greyback entered. The others stared at them in surprise.
“What are you doing here?!” Bellatrix yelled.
“The same thing you’re doing, I imagine,” Snape replied coldly.
Before she could respond, Lord Voldemort Apparated into the room with Nagini. He noted with surprise that Bellatrix wasn’t the only Death Eater in the hall.
“It seems Soldier Island is quite the popular destination,” he remarked.
“So it appears, my lord,” Lucius responded.
“Good, you’re all here,” the manager said cheerfully. “The boat is ready; the captain will arrive shortly. In the meantime, would you be so kind as to hand over your wands?”
“Is that really necessary?” Voldemort asked, irritated.
“Well, yes, sir. I assure you, you won’t need them at all.”
Following their leader’s example, the others handed over their wands. They then headed toward the boat. Rodolphus burst out of the fireplace, immediately addressing the manager while waving his newly purchased ticket: “Hello, I’m Rodolphus Lestrange. I’m here to surprise my wife—“
“I see. I suggest you hide in the lifeboats so you won’t be seen.”
“Thank you.”
“Ah, sir! Your wand!”
Rodolphus handed it over, then slipped outside and spied on the others from behind a post. When they got distracted putting on life vests, he took the opportunity to sneak into a lifeboat and cover himself well with a tarp. The captain greeted the guests and, during the journey, described the wonders of the island, from the mild climate to the sweet honey produced by the local bees. He left them wishing them a pleasant stay.
Meanwhile, the Death Eaters, except for Bellatrix, had accepted the idea of spending the vacation with their companions and had become more talkative. Chatting, they followed the path that led to a huge pink villa, complete with a swimming pool, a golf course, and other amusements. They entered, impressed, unloading their luggage at the entrance. Lucius rang the doorbell, thinking that a place like this must have at least a dozen house-elves. He was wrong. Two men arrived, freezing at the sight of them. The others stared back, stunned, with a hint of amusement, while on the other side, horror prevailed.
“Wormtail,” Greyback finally said. “Why are you dressed as a maid?”
“W- well,” Pettigrew began to explain, while the werewolf, Bellatrix, and Draco burst out laughing. “Avery and I are a bit short on money, so, to make ends meet…”
“Okay, you needed money. But at least Avery is dressed as a butler,” Narcissa interrupted him.
“There were no other clothes available, unfortunately.”
The wealthy Death Eaters tasked their broke companions with carrying their luggage to their rooms.
“Guys, where is Mr. U. N. O. staying?” Lucius asked after the two had carefully put away all the suitcases.
“Actually, we’re missing one guest,” Avery said. “There should be ten of us, like in the nursery rhyme.”
“Nursery rhyme?” Malfoy repeated.
“Yes, it’s in every room.”
The Death Eaters went to check. Meanwhile, Voldemort wondered what the connection was between the Owen who had written to him and Lucius. Perhaps he worked at the Ministry as well. Reaching his room, he read the rhyme, just as the others did:

Chapter Text

After spending the afternoon alone or in small groups, the Death Eaters gathered for dinner.
“Do you think Wormtail knows how to cook?” asked Greyback.
“Yes, I’ve already tasted some of his delicacies,” Voldemort assured.
Soon after, everyone got to enjoy the exquisite meal lovingly prepared by Peter just for them.
“Wow, Wormtail, you’re really good,” Draco complimented.
“Everyone has their use,” Snape remarked.
“Did anyone else see that shadow?” Lucius asked, apprehensive.
“What shadow, dear?” Narcissa asked.
“It’s right there!”
Armed with a broom, Avery went hunting for the potential intruder. He returned with Rodolphus.
“Surprise!” Rodolphus exclaimed to Bellatrix.
The witch turned pale at the sight of him, her mouth hanging open in shock.
“You too, Rod! Too bad the others aren’t here; the more, the merrier!” Greyback remarked.
Bellatrix snapped out of her stupor. Her husband stood there with open arms, expecting her to run to him and maybe kiss him, but instead, he got a plate to the head.
“You insolent fool! How dare you follow me?! Crucio! Crucio!”
In the heat of the moment, she forgot she didn’t have her wand. Avery handed her the broom.
“Bella, I just wanted to make you happy,” Lestrange justified, ducking under the table.
“Then die!”
“Everyone stop shouting, you’re upsetting Nagini,” Voldemort hissed, and they immediately obeyed.
Wormtail brought some food to the bruised Rodolphus as well. The rest of the dinner passed peacefully.
“Let’s toast to our vacation! Few but good, eh?” Greyback encouraged, already tipsy.
“Hey, Greyback, I’ve heard you can sing,” Draco smirked, eyeing a non-Muggle jukebox.
“Yes, boy! Now I’ll show you!”
So, while Fenrir inserted a coin; Draco, Narcissa, Rodolphus, Voldemort, Nagini, and Snape prepared to listen; Lucius applied some balm to his hair; Bellatrix meditated on how to kill her husband; Wormtail and Avery cleared the table, a Mysterious Voice filled the air:

“You are accused of the following crimes:
Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange, you tortured the Longbottoms to insanity;
Peter Pettigrew, you betrayed the Potters’ trust and condemned an innocent;
Severus Snape, you killed Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore;
Fenrir Greyback, you deliberately turned innocents into werewolves or mauled them;
The Malfoy family, as well as Avery and all the others, you have tortured, killed, and cursed in the name of You-Know-Who;
Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, you inflicted suffering on thousands of wizards and non-wizards alike.
Defendants, what do you have to say in your defense?”

The Death Eaters looked at each other, stunned.
“What kind of song did you choose, Fenrir?” Rodolphus asked.
“Dunno, just picked at random.”
“But did you hear?” Voldemort said indignantly. “Nagini wasn’t mentioned!”
“Truly disgraceful, my lord,” Bellatrix agreed.
“And- and what if this is serious?” Wormtail stammered, supported by the group’s other coward, Malfoy Junior.
“Oh, come now, Wormtail. Maybe U. N. O. is just joking,” Lucius tried to lighten the mood.
“Uhm, who’s that?” Snape inquired.
“The one who hired us,” Avery replied.
“A Minister,” Lucius claimed.
“The one who paid for the vacation,” Greyback confided.
“A Death Eater,” added the Dark Lord. “Does U. N. Owen ring a bell?”
“Unowen, as in ‘unknown,’” Snape anagrammed.
“I sssuspected it wasss a trap!” Voldemort exclaimed, hissing as he tended to do when furious.
“We’re all going to die!” Peter and Draco shrieked, clinging to each other.
“Draco, don’t be ridiculous,” his father reprimanded.
“Lu, we’re out of balm,” Narcissa pointed out, noticing the bottle had fallen.
“The world no longer makes sense!” Lucius despaired, clinging to his son and to his colleague.
“Enough whining, you weaklings!” Bellatrix shouted, overpowering their laments.
“What if we just ignore it? We were having fun earlier, weren’t we?” the werewolf suggested.
“Good idea,” Rodolphus agreed.
“No,” Voldemort contradicted him. “Now I want to know who the hell U. N. O. is!”

Chapter Text

“So? No one knows him?”
The Death Eaters thought for several minutes, even recalling some old kindergarten friends, but no one matched the initials. In the end, they all shook their heads, frowning.
“Alright,” sighed the Dark Lord. “Now tell me why you all came here. You first.”
Wormtail flinched, terrified.
“M- my lord, two weeks ago I w- went to Gringotts, and... my account was in the red!” The human rat burst into tears. He blew his nose and continued between sobs. “S- so I signed up at the employment office, where I ran into Avery…”
“Is that true, Avery?” Voldemort interrupted.
“Yes, my lord. My financial situation isn’t as dire, but I needed some extra money to buy a new broom. A flying one, I mean.”
“I see... continue, Wormtail.”
“Y- yes, as I was saying... we met and decided to take the same job. This was the best offer available. So here we are.”
“And you never met the person who hired you?” Voldemort asked suspiciously.
“No. We received instructions by owl. This is our first day.”
Voldemort eyed them thoughtfully. He moved on to Greyback and Snape.
“What about you two?”
“Simple,” the werewolf began. “I won a holiday voucher in a lottery and-”
“When, where, how, and why did you meet?” the Dark Lord inquired.
“Uhm... I don’t really remember. Maybe during a Muggle hunt, over twenty years ago.”
“No, idiot! I mean, for coming here!”
“Oooh! Two days ago, at the Malfoys’ garden. I could bring a guest, or at least that’s what the guy who read me the ticket said, and Severus was the only one available, so I brought him.”
“We chose this location because we were told it’s the most exclusive,” Snape added.
“Very well... Malfoy?”
“This mysterious U. N. O. sent me a Ministry owl inviting us here, claiming he was alone and had extra tickets. He was so polite, so we accepted,” Lucius explained.
“Are you sure? You didn’t use your endless Galleons for a prank? Maybe it was you, Draco?”
Young Malfoy flinched.
“I swear I haven’t even used my new credit parchment yet: you can check!”
“Rodolphus?” Voldy continued.
“I was supposed to travel with my brother, but the trip was canceled due to bad weather, so I decided to surprise Bella.”
“How did you know I was coming here?” Bellatrix interrupted.
“Well, I didn’t know our Lord had invited you... I peeked at your mail to protect you.”
“How dare you?!”
“Calm down, Bella,” Voldemort intervened. “I, on the other hand, came here prepared for a trap. This U. N. O. pretended to be a Death Eater, showing knowledge you shouldn’t have. So I invited Bellatrix to have an ally, but now I have nine.”
“And there are ten of us, just like the little Soldiers,” Avery noted.
Everyone looked at him, confused.
“The ones from the nursery rhyme?” Wormtail asked.
“Yes, and like these little figurines on the table. For a moment, I feared Bellatrix would throw one; that would have been a shame.”
“If I may ask, my lord,” Snape spoke after a moment of silence, “do you believe that person will come?”
“Of course, why else gather us here? Maybe it’s some stunt by Potter or the Order of the Phoenix! Either way, they’ll regret tricking us!”
“This makes no sense…” Narcissa complained. “I don’t understand the point.”
“That record, too. Nothing new…” Lucius muttered.
“Right. Maybe someone on staff knew who was coming and played that prank. Maybe it’s all just a coincidence,” Rodolphus said.
“Coincidences? I don’t think so,” Snape disagreed.
“Guys, calm down. If anyone’s stupid enough to attack us, we’ll kick their as-”
Before he could finish, Greyback collapsed, crashing onto the floor.
“Wow, werewolves have a low tolerance for alcohol,” Avery commented.

Chapter Text

The Death Eaters came downstairs for breakfast. The Dark Lord had decided that the night brings wisdom and allowed everyone to go to bed. Greyback had been left sprawled on the dining room floor, and there they found him the next morning.
“Good grief, sssomeone wake him up!” Voldemort hissed, annoyed.
Avery cautiously poked the werewolf with his trusty broom, but he didn’t move.
“Could he be dead?” Lucius speculated as he helped himself to some eggs and bacon. “Delicious! I might hire Wormtail as my personal chef,” he thought. He looked around, but his companion wasn’t at the table.
Snape, ever practical, poured an entire jug of water on Fenrir, but it had no effect.
“Father, I think you might be right,” Draco chirped, suddenly losing his appetite.
Even Narcissa and Bellatrix stopped eating, surprised. Bella shrugged and resumed her meal, but Voldemort grew angry: “Damn it! How can you all be ssso stupid! Sssomeone is trying to take us out one by one!”
Draco was deeply affected by these words. He clung to his mother, begging her to take him home.
“Draco, stop being difficult.”
“But I’m scared!”
“Last night, you wanted the light on, hugged your teddy bear, and we read The Fountain of Fair Fortune to you twice, so behave. No monster is going to eat you.”
“Ah, Babbity Rabbity is always in style,” Voldemort commented. Then he grew suspicious. “What about The Tale of the Three Brothers?”
“That one’s a bit too scary for my Draco,” Narcissa replied.
“Anyway, my lord, it seems Greyback has kicked the bucket,” Avery pointed out.
“Get rid of the body and come back. I need to figure out who killed him. Wait, where’s Wormtail?”
“I think he’s still in bed, my lord.”
“Call him, he’s not here on vacation.”
Obediently, the Death Eater dragged the werewolf’s body to the bedroom he had previously chosen. Then he knocked on Wormtail’s door. No response.
“Peter? It’s late! The Dark Lord wants to talk to us.”
Still nothing. Avery entered and found his colleague in bed, turned on his side. He shook him, but Wormtail remained still.
“Guys!” the poor man screamed, on the verge of a breakdown.
The others rushed over.
“Oh no, who’s going to cook for us now?” Lucius worried.
“Don’t look at me,” Bella said.
“This isss too much!” Voldemort snapped. “Let’s move to the living room.”
Everyone nodded. As they left, they cast glances at Peter Pettigrew and then, in the hallway, where Greyback rested forever. Was there really someone else on the island plotting in the shadows?
In a rare act of compassion, Snape walked alongside Avery, shaken by the recent discovery. “You’ll see, our Lord will get to the bottom of this.”
“Of course, he’s got a nose for these things.”
Severus immediately distanced himself as soon as the unfortunate man uttered those words. Bellatrix quickly handed Voldemort a broom. The Dark Lord ranted at the poor man for ten minutes. Then, calmer, he went to the living room. Avery followed, limping, missing a few teeth and sporting many bruises.
“So, within just a few hours, two of our companions have died under mysterious circumstances. This cannot be a coincidence. Now we must-”
“My lord! My lord!” Lucius cried out.
“What?”
“If Wormtail died during the night, who made us breakfast?!”
The question sparked panic: “We’re all going to die! We’ve been poisoned! Where’s Teddy?!”
“Sssilence!” Voldemort snapped.
“He knows, he always knows,” Bellatrix said, trying to reassure them.
“No, Bella, right now I don’t know a damn thing.”
“Am I wrong, or are there seven of us?” Draco interjected, counting the Death Eaters to calm himself.
“Why, how many should there be?” his father asked.
“Roddy hasn’t shown up!” Lestrange cheered.
“Avery, go check,” Voldy ordered.
Avery went, prepared for the worst. Bellatrix crossed her fingers, hopeful. But the Death Eater wasn’t dead: he had simply forgotten to set his alarm. Avery hurried him to get dressed while filling him in on the latest events.
“Now that we’re all here,” Voldemort continued, glaring at Rodolphus, “we need to search the house and the island. The only access is the steamboat, so U. N. Owen must be hiding somewhere on the island.”
“My lord, I’ve noticed something,” Rodolphus spoke up.
“What?”
“Well, yesterday, there were ten figurines on the kitchen table, like in the nursery rhyme. I grabbed a quick toast, and now there are eight.”
“Maybe we represent the little Soldiers, and Owen will kill us following the rhyme,” Narcissa suggested.
She was immediately dismissed: “Nah! Too obvious! It’s sheer madness! A nutcase like that would already be in Azkaban!”

Chapter Text

Bellatrix and Narcissa were lounging on two pool mattresses: Narcissa was sunbathing while barely listening to Bella talk about Voldemort and his snake. Unbeknownst to them, Avery and Rodolphus, who had quickly scoured the villa, were spying on them from a nearby hedge. Unlike Malfoy, they were hanging on every word of Lestrange.
“Look, it’s really annoying. I won’t even tell you what happened last month... Well, if you insist... The Dark Lord and I went to the zoo. I told Rod I was on a mission in Greenland, remember? Anyway, we were hiding in a flower bed, and this guy shows up, all excited, saying he wants to measure it because he’s never seen one so long. Of course, Voldy annoyed him by calling him a pervert, but that’s not the point...”
Avery dragged Rodolphus away, putting a friendly arm around his shoulders. “Sorry, buddy.”
“Huh? For what?”
“I understand it’s hard to accept, but denying it won’t help. The story left no room for doubt: Bellatrix has been cheating on you with the Dark Lord.”
“N- no... no, she...” he stammered in shock.
The Death Eater fell silent. He recalled all the times Bella had insisted on being alone, to get him out of the way, as she put it. Could it be for... His mind registered a detail he had previously ignored: she called him Voldy! Rodolphus spread his arms, raised his head, and was about to let out a dramatic ‘Nooo!’ when Avery covered his mouth without ceremony.
“Shh. My friend, take all the time you need to process and deal with it. But don’t let her know you were eavesdropping. And especially don’t let her know I was with you. See you at lunchtime, okay?”
With that, the Death Eater went off to train on the tennis court. Rod, meanwhile, wandered aimlessly, dazed.
Unaware of everything, Bellatrix finished her story: “... I think I’m jealous of that damn cobra. Voldy takes Nagini everywhere. Everywhere! Not a moment of privacy. The upside is that she has a heavy sleep, so at night the Dark Lord and I can let ourselves go.”
“Mm” said Narcissa.
Meanwhile, Lucius, Draco, Snape, and Voldemort, accompanied by Nagini, were conducting a meticulous inspection of the island, which fortunately was not very large.
“Damn it!” Voldy suddenly exclaimed. “I forgot to put on sunscreen. I don’t even have a straw hat to cover myself. You guys keep going. Nagini, keep an eye on them.”
The Dark Wizard ran back to the villa. The three Death Eaters exchanged skeptical glances but said nothing. They checked everything thoroughly, dutifully.
“Only the hidden area behind this ridge is missing,” observed Snape.
“Come on, don’t exaggerate," said Lucius, fearing a fall into the water.
“No, Dad, he’s right. What if there’s a cave where U. N. O. is sharpening a big knife to slit our throats in our sleep?!?”
“My paranoid son, if you really care, Severus and I will hold you by the legs so you can check.”
“Would you risk the life of your only son?!”
“And you, the shine of my hair?!”
“Maybe none of us will be forced to such extremes,” murmured Snape. He was watching Nagini.
The two Malfoys followed his gaze, and a rather sadistic grin appeared on their faces. They threw themselves at the cobra, which immediately writhed wildly. Eventually, they managed to hold the enormous snake by the tail. Nagini was swung under the overhang. She saw no cave or opening of any kind. As soon as she was free, she chased the three who had dared so much. Draco managed to escape. He sat on the beach to catch his breath and, looking around, saw Rodolphus.
“Hi. What are you looking at?”
The other didn’t answer.
“Uncle?”
Roddy turned. He had a vacant look.
“Draco... don’t fall in love. If I find out you have a girlfriend, I’ll whip you.”
“What are you rambling about?”
“Don’t trust women. Alright? Now I’ll stay here waiting for the end.”
“I don’t understand, what’s wrong with you?”
“Bella is cheating on me!” Rodolphus yelled. He started to cry.
“Ah. Uhm... my father will hear about this. I really need to go. Bye.”
Young Malfoy left his uncle alone, convinced he had gone mad. He couldn’t believe Rodolphus didn’t know his wife was with Voldemort from... well, from always. Everyone wondered why he married her and bets were open about the possible reason.
Draco reached the pool. The Black sisters were sitting by the edge, laughing hysterically. A few minutes earlier, Lucius and Snape had dived in to escape Nagini, and it was amusing to see Malfoy, desperate about his wet hair, cursing Snape’s water-repellent ones. The serpent, tired of everything, had slithered to Voldemort. The powerful and wicked wizard was sprawled on a deck chair. He wore a straw hat and had a flower necklace around his neck. He was stroking Nagini with the hand that wasn’t holding the mojito. Bellatrix laid a towel next to him.
“My lord, may I?”
“Go ahead.”
The witch took a few sips through the straw.
“Father, Uncle Rodolphus is on the beach in shock,” Draco announced.
But Lucius was also in shock at that moment: he was drying his hair, pampering it, and whispering promises about certain treatments to keep it soft, shiny, smooth, swishy.
“Mother…”
“I heard, Draco. Did he by any chance see the killer?”
Now everyone was paying attention.
“No, he discovered that Aunt Bella and our lord are lovers.”
“It was about time! Finally!” the others exclaimed.
“Did he seem depressed?” asked Bella.
“Maybe... he said he was waiting for the end.”
Bellatrix jumped up and clapped her hands joyfully. “Come on, this is my chance to become a widow!”

Chapter Text

Avery prepared lunch for his colleagues. When it became clear that Rodolphus wouldn’t show up on his own, he was sent to find him. He returned out of breath just as it started to pour.
“Bring me good news,” said Bella in a pleading tone.
“Rod is dead…” he replied sadly.
Bellatrix blew a trumpet, threw confetti, and popped a bottle of champagne—all at once.
“Yes, but not in the way you think.”
“Huh?”
“He was murdered. This was near the body,” Avery revealed, showing a bloodstained tube.
A shockwave spread among the Death Eaters. Voldemort intervened once again to restore calm. “You’re telling me that after the sssearch, nothing was resolved?”
“There’s no one here but us,” assured Lucius.
“Right… so U. N. O. is one of us.”
Piton’s assertion left them stunned. Meanwhile, outside, the storm raged in full force, and if any of those brilliant minds had wanted to signal the mainland, they were now forced to wait.
“In the sense that he transfigured?” asked Draco.
“No,” replied Bella, her cheerfulness vanished. “Piton is insinuating that there’s a traitor among us. Well, whoever smells it first is the culprit!”
“Ugh, not this again.”
“You won’t deceive me, Piton! You’re the one who broke wind while camping!”
“… I meant that you continue to accuse me of betrayal without the slightest evidence.”
“Ah… well, that’s true too!”
“And you think I’d still be here if I were loyal to Dumbledore?”
“I know you’re never around when needed and always have many explanations to give!”
“To the Dark Lord, perhaps. It’s not skin of your n-, it’s not your concern.”
“Voldy isn’t hard to be led by the n-, to be tricked!”
“But something that big would be obvious to anyone, and if I had made him lose his temper once, he would have rubbed my n-, he would have reminded me it.”
The Death Eaters watched in disbelief as Bellatrix’s passionate attacks and Piton’s calm responses unfolded. Avery passed around the popcorn.
“I’m just following my n-, my instincts!”
“The only problem here is that you think I look down my n-, I act superior.”
“Well, sorry if I think you have your n-, you act as we aren’t important!”
“Do I wrinkle your n-, do I get you irritated?”
“To me, you embody the idea that my Voldy could be defeated! I mean, he has shown he doesn’t see beyond his own n-, he has poor foresight, despite dark magic. Often, he’s cutting off his n-, he’s hurting himself while taking his revenge. Sometimes someone, like me, his most sexy and loyal Death Eater, has to show him what’s under his n-, what’s really going on, or he won’t keep his n-, he won’t stay out of trouble!”
“Ah, so that’s why you stick your n-, you’re intrusive in his affairs.”
“Exactly!”
“I’m here,” Voldemort pointed out, vaguely annoyed.
“Sorry, my lord, but Piton and I have cleared things up,” announced Bellatrix cheerfully.
“I’m glad, now do we want to find out who the traitor is?”
“And what if they went invisible?” Draco hypothesized.
“We didn’t hear any suspicious noises, and they must go somewhere when they turn visible again,” explained Piton.
“The only one with a motive here is Bella, but I’m sure she didn’t do anything,” said Narcissa.
“Indeed. Wait, motive?”
“Rodolphus.”
“Aaah. Well, that applies to one person. Why would I have done all this?”
“Because you’re crazy,” Avery replied frankly.
“What?!”
“You’ve always wanted to get rid of your husband, but you don’t want to be suspected. So, instead of a simple Avada Kedavra, you invite relatives and friends to Soldier Island, signing yourself as U. N. Owen. You kill the scum, making it look like there’s another psychopathic killer around, and then you kill Roddy. It’s obvious!”
Avery’s brilliant insight was rewarded with a cheerful beating from Bella.
“Bellatrix is innocent… but if you were right, it means there won’t be any more deaths,” Lucius said thoughtfully.
“M-maybe another p-pair, to further mask the tr- true intent,” Avery responded, agonizing on the floor.
Bellatrix gave him one last kick and went back to sit down. “To me, it’s Piton,” she declared.
“And we had cleared things up…” he huffed.
“Regarding my behavior.”
“If you were the suspects in a thriller, I’d bet on the Malfoys,” Voldemort confided.
“And why is that, my lord?” Narcissa asked.
“You’re the most numerous. I don’t know if there are other motives; I don’t know you well.”
Lucius didn’t dare say anything in front of his sister-in-law and Voldy, but when he was alone with his family, the door to their room barred, he expressed the opinion that Voldemort was behind everything.
“Why, father?”
“He’s the Dark Lord, isn’t he? He doesn’t have to answer to anyone for what he does. Plus, this is such a Muggle way of getting rid of us.”
The seven Death Eaters slept uneasily in their rooms. Nagini slithered around the house, acting as a sentinel. She noticed that another figurine was missing. Curious, she nudged another statuette with her tail, which broke into two pieces on the carpet.

Chapter Text

The following morning, nobody prepared breakfast. At least, not before everyone was awake.
“Where’s Avery?” Voldemort asked.
“We were looking for him, my lord. He’s not in his room,” Snape replied.
“Maybe Bella gave him a concussion, and now he’s in the bathroom unconscious,” Lucius speculated, glaring at his sister-in-law.
“O- or maybe he’s the latest victim,” Draco said, terrified.
It turned out he was right. Avery was found in the woodshed: he had been chopping wood when someone had split his head open. Or at least, there was enough blood to assume that.
“Okay, if we don’t believe in coincidences, then U. N. O. is really following the nursery rhyme!” Narcissa nearly screamed.
“Yes, and they’re going in order of intelligence,” Bellatrix declared confidently.
“Actually...” agreed her sister.
“You two cook, yeah?” Lucius asked the women.
“Sexist!” Bella shouted.
“I think Severus knows how to cook, since he lives alone,” Voldemort mused.
“With that settled... I DON’T WANT TO DIE!! SAVE US! WHO THE FU-?!?!” Draco panicked, only to be interrupted by a slap from his mother.
“Draco, no swearing. Under any circumstances. Honestly, kids these days...”
“What do we do, my lord?” Bellatrix asked.
“Breakfast. You think more clearly on a full stomach.”
Snape was pushed into the kitchen. The others waited, already seated. Draco was nervously biting his nails, looking frantically around, until his parents told him to sit properly.
“Meh, not bad,” Lucius commented, tasting the eggs.
“Hey, Snape, did you put the oil in the pan or on your hair? Haha!”
Bella laughed alone at her joke. When everyone finished eating, Voldemort wanted them to follow him into the living room to figure out how to stop U. N. O. once and for all. He wasn’t sure of anything yet, but each murder made him increasingly suspicious of his followers.
“Go ahead, I’ll catch up,” Narcissa said, overwhelmed with nausea.
“You’re not going to burst into the room with a machine gun, are you?” Draco asked.
“A what?”
“Never mind. See you soon, mother.”
The Death Eaters left her alone. Narcissa took deep breaths, trying not to throw up. “Not bad, huh? That breakfast was awful! Severus better not dare cook lunch too!”
Suddenly, she heard footsteps behind her. And something else—a buzzing sound...
“Poor dear, she must be so upset,” Lucius was saying to the others.
“Women, always getting hysterical,” the Dark Lord said, shaking his head.
“Not me!” Bellatrix exclaimed proudly.
“Yes, your fits are more homicidal rages,” Snape agreed.
“Why is Mom taking so long?”
“I’ll check on her.”
Lucius found Narcissa still seated at the table. He silently approached and covered her eyes.
“Guess who?”
No answer. Malfoy grew worried.
“Dear, are you okay? Can you hear me? Cissy!!”
But she didn’t respond, not even when he started shaking her. Lucius returned to the living room, distraught.
“Cissy is dead,” he announced, then sat down with his head in his hands.
Draco burst into tears. Bellatrix rushed to confirm the truth of the statement, then flew at her brother-in-law.
“Admit it, you’re U. N. Owen!” she yelled.
“Are you insane?! I loved Narcissa!”
“Muuummyyy!”
"Ssstay calm!” Voldemort practically shouted to be heard. “Alright. Severus, check Narcissa’s condition, and if necessary, take care of the body.”
Snape returned a quarter of an hour later.
“Done, my lord. She was injected with a syringe, though a bee was planted to stick to the rhyme. Also, now there are only five figurines left.”
“Figurines?”
“Yes, the little Soldiers, remember?”
“So it’s true! They’re following the nursery rhyme!”
“If even you get it, it must be obvious to everyone by now.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“To prevent further losses, from now on, we’ll stay together at all times. We’ll start in half an hour!”
Half an hour later, everyone was in the living room, including Nagini. The cobra had been questioned by the Dark Lord but she hadn’t seen or heard anything suspicious. Though they could rule out Lucius singing in the shower...
Draco was perched on the armchair near the fireplace. He scanned the faces of his companions, trying to figure out who was behind this sinister plan, and couldn’t stop chewing his nails.
Lucius, sad over the loss of Narcissa, stared out the window, dazed. He had no idea who the killer was; it seemed almost impossible that it was someone present in that room.
Bellatrix was filing her nails. She felt bad about her sister, but she had to consider that she was now a widow. Finally, she could be with Voldy, and she wanted to look good for him.
Snape buried his nose in a dark magic book. Every now and then, he raised his head to glance at the others. He seemed quite calm.
Voldemort was absentmindedly stroking Nagini, lost in thought: “Hmm, the boy is so frightened, but it would be a mistake to exclude him as a suspect. Maybe he fears visits from the ghosts of the victims. Lucius? Who knows... Bellatrix, no, it can’t be her. Maybe she’d kill Rod, but... And Snape? He’s so unreadable... What if they’re all in on it, conspiring against me? No, no, stay cool, Voldy... You’ll make it out of here alive!”

Chapter Text

The five ‘soldiers’ were playing poker when the lights went out. Draco immediately began screaming, certain there was a monster lurking in the dark. His father silenced him with a slap.
“Go find some candles!” ordered Voldemort.
Snape found some and lit them, placing them around the room.
“Shall we go to bed?” asked Bella.
“Go ahead, if you want,” Voldy allowed. “But not you, Lucius. I plan on taking all your Galleons.”
Bellatrix grabbed a candle and headed to her room. As soon as she entered, a gust of wind blew out her only light source. She thought she had forgotten to close the window. She crossed the room and, indeed, it was open. She suddenly turned around, feeling something brush against her. However, the room was still dark, and she couldn’t see anything.
“Watch out, whether you’re a ghost or U.N.O.! I’m deadly even without my wand!”
The witch began doing karate moves. Something brushed her hand again. Bella backed up, bumped into the chair, and decided to use it to attack her assailant. She threw it randomly. The men heard the commotion. They exchanged a brief glance over the cards before rushing upstairs.
“Bella? Bella, what’s going on?” Voldemort asked, anxious.
Lucius and Draco lit up the scene: Bellatrix was standing with her back to the desk, facing … toilet paper hanging from a hook on the ceiling.
“Who’s the idiot who played this joke on me?!”
“Not us,” Voldemort, Draco, and Lucius chorused.
“Maybe U.N.O. wanted to scare you to death,” Draco suggested.
“But if they’re following the rhyme, they should be taking her to court next,” his father observed.
“Hold on, where’s the Judgmental Man?” Bella asked, noticing Snape was missing.
“You suspect him, don’t you? But Severus lacks a sense of humor,” Voldy replied.
The four returned to the living room. Snape was sitting in the armchair, just as before, but his look had changed: he was now wearing glasses, a black bowler hat, and a black Muggle jacket. Something red stained his robe.
“W-what does this mean?” Lucius stammered.
“He didn’t make it either,” Bellatrix commented. “Damn, and I thought he was the culprit!”
“I got it! Snape looks like a Muggle Italian singer who was a judge on a Muggle show!” exclaimed Voldemort, proud of his insight.
“On elevetision?” Draco asked.
“It’s called television,” the Dark Lord corrected him. “Come on, take him to his room.”
As soon as the two Malfoys lifted the body, the jukebox started playing The Triangle by Renato Zero. Scared, they dropped Snape. Bellatrix rushed to the machine and managed to silence it with her fists. Father and son finished their task before barricading themselves in their room. Voldemort lingered in the dining room.
“What’s going on, my Lord?”
“As I suspected, one figurine is missing.”
“Oh… listen, just for safety, since Draco and Lucius are sleeping in the same room…”
“Of course, of course, you can come.”
“Thank you!” Bella cheered.
Once in the room, Bellatrix noticed with pleasure that Nagini was absent. Voldemort, however, wasn’t as pleased.
“Where could she have gone?”
“I don’t know, Voldy.”
The Dark Lord stopped looking around. The witch was lying on the bed in a provocative pose.
“Not to jinx it, but this might be the last night we spend together.”
“I understand,” hissed the Parselmouth.
Later, when it was all over, Bellatrix snuggled closer to her lover for comfort.
“Now we can spend more time together, Voldy. Maybe even get married.”
“Don’t you think you’re rushing things?”
“Well, it feels like just yesterday I lost Rodolphus, but-”
“That was yesterday, actually. Now the day before,” Voldemort corrected, glancing at the clock.
“I mean, our relationship can come to light, be stable. After all, I am-”
A violent knock interrupted her.