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“Art is supposed to make you feel something”
The words Ibe said weeks ago echo in Eiji’s head as a magazine cover catches his eye.
It’s a fashion magazine, one that could go unnoticed by the average customer of this gas station in the middle of nowhere. However, the photograph on the cover is one of the best Eiji has seen of a model. The guy is in his twenties, probably a celebrity Eiji doesn’t really recognize, but the black-and-white effect does a great job capturing his beauty. He’s half turned, giving a side glance to the camera with the typical kind of displeased yet dramatic expression models tend to show. The shadows enhance the model’s features, and when Eiji takes a closer look, he notices he’s wearing eyeliner. The smudged makeup on the lower lash line creates an intense look that makes the model’s eyes pop.
Eiji admires the cover for another second before Ash’s voice reaches him.
“Are you taking anything else?”
Eiji jolts, as if caught doing something he’s not supposed to.
“Yeah, no…” he smiles. “I might get a crossword booklet, but I’m still deciding”
“That might be a good idea. We still have a long way to go before we get to Los Angeles” Ash agrees. Eiji notices the five bottles of soda and sandwiches Ash is struggling to hold by himself.
“Where’s Shorter?” Eiji asks as he looks around, but he only finds Ibe and Max discussing something as they fill up the tank of Max’s pickup truck.
“Toilet break” he rolls his eyes. “I swear that guy has a bladder the size of a pea…”
“Pee?”
“No, not as in-”
But before Ash can explain, the blond sees Shorter leaning against a wall just outside the restrooms, talking to a pair of girls in their early twenties. It’s obvious he’s flirting with them.
“Does he think we have all fucking day?!” Ash mutters to himself as he starts walking in Shorter’s direction. “Hey!”
Eiji hears them bicker, and before he can think any further, he takes the magazine along with a crossword booklet on top.
—---‐–
It’s been two days since Eiji got the magazine.
For some reason he can’t explain, he’s been keeping it hidden. When he has a rare moment of privacy, he takes it and studies it. He’s come to the conclusion that, although the model is obviously handsome, the smudged look is clearly doing something extra.
Now, along with the magazine, Eiji also hides a two-dollar black eyeliner he got at the only drugstore he found in the little town they decided to stop for the night. He plays with it, moving it between his fingers as he hears Max and Ibe snore in the room next to the one Shorter, Ash, and himself were sharing for the night. He briefly wonders if his two friends went out to get something illegal, like guns or ammo. Ash’s succinct explanation of “just getting a few things we need” doesn’t make him feel any less worried. He considers going out to look for Ash and Shorter when the door suddenly swings open.
“Eiji!” Shorter bustles in with two bags. “I’m sooooo tired. I had to walk-”
Shorter stops mid-sentence when he notices Eiji’s tight posture and red face.
“Were you…?” Shorter asks. He lets his backpack fall on the floor as he closes the door behind him.
“Huh?”
“Did I just…. kind of cockblock you?”
“What??” Eiji furrows his eyebrows, confused.
“Were you having some quality time with yourself?”
And although the sentence doesn’t make complete sense in Eiji’s mind, he gets the meaning when Shorter wriggles his eyebrows suggestively.
“What?! No!” He says, evidently flustered.
“Eiji, it’s fine, we’re both men and-”
“It was eyeliner!” Eiji stops him before he continues that mortifying sentence.
Now Shorter is confused.
“Huh?”
Eiji ruffles his own hair and tries again. He takes the magazine and eye pencil out and tries to explain to Shorter what’s been going on in his mind. When he finishes, Shorter is looking at him with an honest intrigued expression.
“So… you want to try a photo like that?” he asks, pointing at the magazine.
“Yes… but I’m not sure I have the skills to pull it off” he sighs.
“Oh c’mon!” Shorter protests. “I’ve seen the pictures you take, Eiji! You can make a dumpster look like a million dollars!”
Eiji laughs at this, still not convinced.
“I impulse bought the eyeliner, but I’m not sure…”
“And who were you hoping to photograph?” Shorter asks.
And honestly? Eiji doesn’t know. To an outsider, the most obvious answer would be Ash. It is no secret Ash could be a model, but after visiting Cape Cod and learning about what a camera could mean to him, he would never put Ash in such a triggering situation. The other choices all had their pros and cons. Ibe would understand the artistic objective, but as a photographer, he was not used to being in front of the lens. Max would pull it off, Eiji thought, but he wasn’t sure how he would react to the eyeliner bit. And Shorter? Eiji was sure he would look badass with the purple mohawk, but it was equally embarrassing to ask.
“I’ll be your model” Shorter offers, seemingly guessing Eiji’s line of thinking.
“R-really?” Eiji asks surprised.
“Sure! Ash won’t be here in another twenty minutes I guess, so we can do it without bothering him”
“Where’s Ash?” Eiji tries although he knows he probably shouldn’t ask.
“Uh… I don’t know really. We… got some supplies, but Ash’s got a soft spot for his Smith&Wesson. He didn’t find what he was looking for and told me to come back.”
“Will he be okay on his own?”
“He will. Don’t worry. Dealers care about business and that’s it” he says, and he must see a trace of uncertainty in Eiji’s eyes. “Now! Where’s that liner? I’m gonna be like those guys from Kiss”
“NO, please don’t-”
“Just kidding” Shorter holds his hands up, happy to divert Eiji’s attention.
And so Eiji leaps to his feet and starts arranging his equipment. Shorter takes the liner and, with makeup skills amounting to zero, he tries his best to line his lower lash line as close to the waterline as he can.
“Ready!” Eiji says.
When Shorter turns around, he looks like he hasn’t slept in days.
“I fucked up”
Eiji laughs until his stomach hurts and he has to grab the dresser to keep himself steady.
“HOW!” He says when he can finally breathe again.
“Fuck, I don’t know” he giggles too. “The guy in the picture looks messy… but I guess it was the good kind of messy. Damn.” he explains as he tries to clean up the edges and reapply the product.
“No no! Leave it! I actually think it will work” Eiji suddenly says.
He drags Shorter to stand in front of an empty wall, and he turns on a small lamp to create some shadows. When they are ready, Shorter tries to imitate the pose from the cover, and Eiji snaps the first picture. Eiji checks it, and although he’s not disappointed, he knows there’s something off.
“How is it?” Shorter asks.
“Hmmm…” Eiji thinks. “I don’t know. I think it’s not… you”.
“Well duh… not a model”
“No, I mean… we shouldn’t be imitating the magazine” he shakes his head and then turns to his friend. “Pretend this is your… gang poster”
“My what?” Shorter chuckles.
“You know what I mean. Pretend this is the image that should come to everyone’s minds if they think of you”
“I’m gonna strip then”
“Aaggh c’mon!”
“Alright, alright…”
Shorter goes to grab his shades and puts them on his head, flattering the front of his hair in the process. He puts his hands inside the pockets of his jeans, and then gives Eiji a smug and confident smile as he widens his stance. Eiji shoots.
When he looks at the picture again, he smiles. This is Shorter, there’s no doubt. For the next picture, his model sticks his tongue out, his mouth wide open as he tilts his head up, a harmless mocking gesture for the camera. He experiments with different poses, but they all turn out to have that playful, silly, and smug vibe oh-so-Shorter.
“Are they any good?” He asks when Eiji has taken a couple of shots.
“Take a look!” Eiji says enthusiastically.
When Shorter checks the small digital screen, a smile creeps into his face.
“Damn! These are good!” He says, holding the camera as he navigates through the photos.
If Eiji is honest, he knows the photos could be considered amateur. They are pretty decent for a first attempt, especially considering the precarious condition of his improvised set. Still, there is a sense of pride in watching his friend smile as he looks at his work.
Just then, the door unlocks and opens. Ash frowns when he notices only the small lamp, and he tilts his head when he sees Shorter with panda eyes and Eiji’s camera in his hands.
“I was trying a few things for my photographs…” Eiji says apologetically.
And to Eiji’s surprise, Ash gives him a soft almost imperceptible smile as he leaves his bag on the nearby table.
“I’m sure the pictures look nice, but was Shorter trying to recreate the look he got after that fight in juvie?” He asks with a smirk.
“You mean the fight YOU got us into?” Shorter shoots back, returning the camera to its rightful owner.
Ash shrugs. “I started the fight because I knew I could win it. I never expected you to join”
“Can you believe this guy??” Shorter shoves Ash playfully, and it’s clear to Eiji that it must be a memory they recall fondly.
“Can I see the pictures?” Ash says as he approaches Eiji.
“Sure!” He gives him the camera and shows him the first failed attempt. In the distance, he hears Shorter washing his face in the bathroom.
Ash whistles when he checks the second and third pictures.
“Despite the low-quality model…”
“... I heard that!”
“...these are impressive”
“Thank you” Eiji smiles. “I still can’t capture what’s on my mind, but I really like how they turned out”
Ash seems to hold his eyes for a second, he inhales and his lips come to say something, but he halts.
“Holy shit! I can’t take this off!!” Shorter exclaims, rubbing his eyes with a hand towel and staining it in the process.
“You need an oil-based product to take it off. It’s probably waterproof” Ash explains.
“How do you know?” Shorter raises an eyebrow.
“Ahh… it is waterproof. Sorry, I didn’t check” Eiji apologizes as he reads the label on the product.
Ash turns around and rummages through his bag. He tosses an apple to Shorter who catches it in perfect timing.
“Dino’s clients had wild preferences” he simply says, biting a second apple.
Both Shorter and Eiji remain silent. There is not an appropriate answer to something like that, at least not one they can come up with quickly.
“One of the cleaning ladies once told me how to remove the makeup. She was pretty nice” he adds, as an afterthought.
“Oil it is then” Shorter nods.
“Anyway…” Ash adds after a sigh. “Max says we’ll be leaving early in the morning tomorrow”
“How early?” Eiji asks as he accepts a third apple Ash offers him. He guesses he found an apple tree somewhere on the way to the hostel.
“Around five in the morning”
“Five in the morning?!” Shorter complains, utterly offended.
“Look at the bright side” Ash smirks. “You’ll be sporting a natural raccoon look”
Eiji laughs at this, partly relieved that Ash is still in the mood to joke around. He keeps his camera in its bag again and changes into a tank top, ready to go to bed. After thirty minutes, Shorter is already snoring to his left, a leg sprawled over the sheets and his hair sticking in all directions. To his right, Ash is turning off the small lamp on his nightstand.
In the darkness, he can see Ash’s eyes glow. He can’t see his expression, but he holds his gaze nevertheless. He seems to be screaming something in silence.
Eiji falls asleep trying to decipher what it is.
—--------------
The next couple of days go by in a flash.
Max and Ibe take turns driving the pickup truck for long hours. Eiji completes half the crossword book with Shorter’s help as they ride in the cargo box. When it’s Ash’s turn to go to the back and lie there with Eiji, he completes the entire book. They almost make it to the West Coast until they push the vehicle’s limits too far. In the middle of another small town, the timing belt breaks.
“I can’t fucking believe it!!” Max swears as he kicks one of the wheels.
“Calm down, old man” Ash rolls his eyes. “There’s a car parts store a couple of miles away. I saw it when we entered this shithole”.
“It’s going to be night soon, though,” Ibe says. “Should I look for lodging?”
“Nah, Ibe, you’re helping me with the repairs here. Shorter, take the belt and go buy another one.”
Shorter barely registers the order as he stretches and yawns.
“I’ll look for a place to stay the night” Eiji offers. “I don’t think I can be of much help here”
“I’ll go with you” Ash says.
They start walking the almost empty streets of the town, asking in different places for two rooms. They almost give up when they finally find a fairly priced hostel with two rooms available.
“Should we go and tell the rest?” Eiji asks once they’ve checked in.
“I’ll text Shorter the address,” Ash says as he does so.
They get the keys to their room and enter, exhausted after a whole day of riding the uncomfortable truck. Eiji launches himself on the nearest bed, face down, and sleep almost consumes him. With his eyes closed and his mind dazed, he recalls Ash's smile when they were completing the crosswords, the glint in his eye when he playfully teased him about his baby tastebuds when he tried a bit of Dijon mustard on his sandwich, and the way he wordlessly slid his arm under Eiji’s head when they were trying to take a nap. This last memory sends a rush of something to his heart and stomach, but before he can think about it, he’s brought back to reality when he hears the water running from the shower.
Ash comes out only a few minutes later, ruffling his hair with a small towel. Eiji is on his bed, navigating through the photographs he took during the day. He studies them, trying to identify what he likes or doesn’t like about them.
“Any good shots today?” The blond asks as he puts on a white t-shirt and his usual jeans.
“Maybe” Eiji narrows his eyes as he takes a look at the last photograph. He was in the passenger seat, and he tried to capture the landscape beyond the window; some trees, a small pond, and the blue sky. Now that he pays closer attention, he realizes it’s too plain. It would have been a far more interesting photograph if he had focused the dried drops on the window with a blurred landscape in the background.
Ash sits beside him, the scent of shampoo invading Eiji’s senses. He leans in, looking at the pictures as Eiji presses the “next” button. After twenty or so pictures, they stumble upon Shorter’s photographs.
“Oh, that’s all from today”. Eiji smiles, going back to the landscapes.
Ash doesn’t respond. He props his chin on his hand, staring at Eiji with an unreadable expression.
“Why do you like photography, Eiji?” Ash asks.
It is not often that Eiji can see him like this. Ash has his guard down. There’s only innocent curiosity in his question. Eiji wishes he could be like this outside these four walls too.
“Hmmm… That’s difficult. I started photography as a hobby, to have fun. Now, I think that’s not enough of a reason. I think now it’s the desire to… immortalize something that might not stay the same over time…”
He thinks Ash will tease him for the word he learned doing the crosswords, but he doesn’t.
“Like Shorter with a Pirates of the Caribbean look?” he asks instead.
Eiji laughs. “No, you’re right… that was different. I guess I’m also experimenting with the type of emotion I can achieve in a photograph.”
Ash continues looking at him, and Eiji is still trying to decipher what he’s thinking.
“Once I read that people write to live life twice: in the moment and in retrospect. It must be the same with photography”
Eiji smiles, half fondly, and half sadly. Part of him knows that there will come a time when he looks back at the photos he took today, and things might be different.
“Try it on me” Ash suddenly says.
Eiji is taken aback.
“What?”
“Photography. Eyeliner and all”
Eiji opens and closes his mouth. He would be thrilled to have Ash as his model, but he needs to ask.
“Really? I mean… I’d love to, but…”
“You’re worried because of what I said about makeup and Dino, aren’t you?” Ash asks, and despite bringing it up, he doesn’t seem uncomfortable at all. In fact, there’s a soft smile almost invisible on his lips.
“Of course,” Eiji says, “I wouldn’t want to… I don’t want to make you remember anything like that”
“Makeup doesn’t trigger me” Ash shrugs. “But it would be nice to experience it differently”
Eiji blinks. He sees a crack in the walls Ash usually puts around himself. He sees light filtering through it, allowing him to see past it. He’s saying he wants to do it.
“Let’s do it then”
He stands from his bed and goes to get the camera. Ash pulls a nearby stool and sits right in the corner of their room.
“Should I change?” he asks.
“You’re perfect” Eiji responds automatically, and he blushes slightly when he notices how fast he replied.
He rummages through his backpack instead, and when he finds the eyeliner, he motions to hand it to Ash, but he just tilts his head up.
“You want me to do it?” Eiji asks surprised.
“Of course. You’re the artist” Ash smirks. It feels almost like a dare.
Eiji’s blush deepens, but he rolls his eyes to conceal it.
“Alright. Look up”
And so Eiji stands in front of his model, close enough to work on his lower lashline. He uses his left hand to gently hold Ash’s chin with his thumb, and he shakily glides the pen right below his green eyes. He forces himself to focus, ignoring the ghost sensation of Ash’s faint breathing and the way his heart seems to beat faster when the tip of Ash’s tongue comes to wet his lower lip. He has to rest his pinky on Ash’s cheek for support, and he quickly realizes he has more control over the application. He uses the small sponge at the opposite end of the pen to smudge the harsh lines, and when Ash makes eye contact, Eiji swallows.
Ash looks stunning and Eiji is left breathless. The model in the magazine is now forgotten in Eiji’s mind, replaced by the glorious image of the man before him.
Ash looks serious before he grabs a small mirror and takes a look at himself. Eiji sees a flick of surprise, but then the corner of his lips turns up in what seems to be a defiant smile.
Ash is reclaiming this. Himself.
“Alright,” Ash nods. “Shoot”.
Eiji fumbles for his camera, picks the right lens, and adjusts it hoping to work as fast as the gears in his head turn. He can see the perfect shot in his mind, he can picture the light, the angle, the right exposure and aperture. He works quickly and lifts what seems to be an extension of his eyes. In front of him, Ash is sitting with the towel still hanging around his neck. His body is relaxed but confident with one knee propped higher than the other. He’s looking at the camera, trusting, and Eiji’s heart skips a beat when he realizes that he’s trusting him . He frames his subject, perfect as he is, hoping to capture the intensity of his eyes, and he shoots.
He takes two pictures before Ash moves. He drops the towel from his neck and puts his denim jacket on. He’s looking for something inside one of the pockets when Eiji takes the chance and snaps two more pictures before Ash finds what he’s looking for.
Ash puts the cigarette between his lips, takes a silver lighter, and shields the cigarette with his left hand while he lights it up with his right. The small dancing flame gives Eiji the exact amount of shadows he needs to create an interesting composition. He snaps another picture, and then Ash is looking at the camera, his hands inside his pockets.
Eiji looks at him through the lens, his heart picking up the pace. He tells himself this is the excitement that comes with doing what you love, but he knows that’s only partly true. This is what comes with watching the person you undeniably love.
Ash takes a long drag then, tiling his head up. Eiji captures the beautiful angle of his jaw. Ash smiles, and somehow, Eiji knows he’s smiling at him and not at the camera this time.
“You look like you want to say something,” Ash says, resting his cigarette between his index and middle finger.
“Can I mess up your hair a bit?” He asks.
Ash breaks eye contact then, and for a moment, Eiji thinks he’ll see those walls back up.
“You don’t have to ask,” he says instead, but there seems to be something stuck on his throat or tongue. Words probably. “You don’t have to ask for… anything” he adds, looking back at him. “You just… can.”
Eiji’s heart squeezes inside his chest. He briefly dares to wonder if Ash can see through him, if he has already realized how in love he is, if this is his cue to tell him.
But it cannot be.
Eiji takes a step forward and runs his fingers through the blond strands. He combs his hair forward, giving him a wild and almost grunge-like look that complements the smudged eyeliner on his lower lash line perfectly. Ash’s green eyes seem to be glowing now.
“Are you taking another picture?” Ash suddenly asks. There’s a mischievous glint in his eyes Eiji hasn’t seen before, but he could swear it looks close to what he considers flirting.
He takes a step back and frames his subject. His hands shake, but he takes a deep breath to stabilize them.
‘Click’
‘Click’
‘Click’
When he finishes, his cigarette is almost completely consumed.
“You don’t smoke very often” Eiji notes, and he mentally thanks the cheap hostel for not having any smoke detectors.
“I don’t wear eyeliner very often” he says as he stubs the cigarette out against the window sill.
Eiji sets his camera on the table near them and then takes a step forward to comb Ash’s hair back to his usual position. Right there, gently running his fingers through his fingers, Eiji realizes there is no other possible explanation for what’s between them. Ash’s eyes slowly close when Eiji runs his thumb over his cheek.
“Ash” Eiji calls.
“Hm” Ash responds, transfixed by Eiji’s touch.
“We can’t have this, can we?”
Ash opens his eyes, awoken from a spell. Eiji can see the moment he feels trapped.
“No” he says, his voice defeated, tired almost.
And Eiji smiles, a bittersweet feeling seeping through his heart. He finishes combing the blond locks, and then his hands leave Ash. He’s half-turned when he feels a hand grabbing his.
“…and yet I still want it”
When Eiji turns around, he barely registers Ash’s pained expression. He feels the hand over his close tighter as Ash stands up, and then he meets him halfway in a kiss. It feels like a magnetic reaction, as if separating at this very moment would be against the laws of physics. And somehow, it isn’t a desperate kiss either. Ash is all lips, a slow and tender pace he coaxes with a hand behind his head and the other against his waist. Eiji follows, his face hot and his heart racing inside his chest. His hands grab Ash’s shirt, pulling him impossibly closer as he starts feeling like his lungs are going to burst if he doesn’t breathe.
They finally separate, both panting for breath and Eiji’s hands still clumping Ash’s shirt to keep them from trembling. Eiji feels like he should say something, he should tell Ash what he means to him, what he would do for him, but when he opens his mouth to speak, Ash kisses him again. He’s pushing him back as his lips move quicker and his hands hold him closer. Eiji forgets about everything else and matches his pace. There’s a faint scent of tobacco from Ash’s denim jacket, but Eiji doesn’t mind. He combs Ash’s hair away from his face and separates enough to whisper near his ear.
“Ash…”
Ash kisses his neck, hugs him, and hides his face in the curve between Eiji’s neck and shoulder. He moves erratically, as if someone could take him away at any moment.
“Ash…” he repeats. “This is how I’ll always feel about you”
Ash squeezes him tighter, buries his face even further.
“Can I kiss you again?” Eiji asks, because he needs to.
“You don’t have to ask” Ash whispers.
Eiji claims his lips, this time feeling Ash nudge his lips open with the tip of his tongue. He’s sure something in his brain chemistry changes when Ash finally licks into his mouth. They are holding to each other for dear life when Ash hears a key trying to fit in the door.
Shorter.
The moment is over as quickly as it started.
Eiji picks up his camera and pretends to go through the pictures once again, his face red and his hands unstable. Ash is lying face down over his own bed, stretching like a cat who just woke up from a nap. If it wasn’t for the way he bites his lip, Eiji could believe he’s actually calm.
Shorter enters followed by Ibe and Max. Shorter says something about restaurants closing too early and Max complains about the price of the new timing belt. There’s some chatter, but Eiji can’t focus. He laughs and nods at whatever Shorter is saying, but he cannot help but bring his fingertips to his lips when the tingling sensation remains there.
When he steals a look at Ash, he’s smiling at him.
—-
As Eiji develops his photographs, he encounters a black-and-white one that shows Ash sitting on the stool from the hostel. He looks bold, fierce, and utterly captivating. Ibe’s words echo in his mind again, and this time, he knows exactly why.
If art is supposed to make you feel something, then Ash is the greatest work of art that has ever stirred Eiji’s heart.
The End.