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The… thing between him and Yorozuya had started out firmly in friends-with-benefits territory. 

Hijikata isn’t sure why he expected it to stay there. 

Just as Yorozuya had not stayed terrorist or petty criminal or annoyance (well, he is still annoying, but at some point friend and comrade had overridden the label entirely, making him an annoying friend rather than an annoyance, and there’s a difference between the two), he has not settled down as a stress-reliever, or a way to blow off steam, either. 

Not that the Yorozuya is capable of helping Hijikata do either; every time he walks away from an encounter with the man, his blood pressure has jumped up dramatically. 

The point- his relationship with Yorozuya is always changing. Hijikata is always growing closer to him. That’s why he’s not too surprised at the revelation that he’s in love with him- just disappointed. He had been holding out hope that his taste in men would be as good as his taste in women. 

And- Hijikata leans more of his weight against the table, slumping down while Kongo and Sougo argue about something inane. The thing that he can admit to himself just fine, thank you, is that he has trouble opening up. Mitsuba had been, in some ways, his ideal lover: someone he could keep far, far away from himself while pretending it was for her sake. 

Yorozuya isn’t someone Hijikata can keep at an arm’s length. If Hijikata dared to try, he’d probably claw his way into Hijikata’s personal space like a mangy cat, fighting just because someone dared to tell him no. Hijikata cannot physically keep Yorozuya out of his time and space. 

Yorozuya is evasive, though, and there’s more than one way to hide. If Hijikata doesn’t do something about it, he’s sure the issue will remain untouched until both of them are dead. He doesn’t want that. He’s learned his lesson. 

It’s not fair that he had to realize this over breakfast. Can’t he just eat his mayo and knock-off Captain Crunch in peace? Can’t Yorozuya leave him alone for five minutes? Is he really so determined to claw his way into every aspect of Hijikata’s life? He’s not even here and Hijikata can’t stop thinking about him! It’s infuriating!

“Ah, Hijikata-san,” Sougo says, breaking him out of his internal monologue. “Penny for your thoughts? You don’t seem very invested in discussing the pros and cons of water-boarding, so you must be thinking about something very interesting instead.”

He’s not wearing rubber gloves and holding out a coin that has obviously been soaked in rat poison, which is more surprising than it should be. Hijikata narrows his eyes at him and wonders if it’s a good thing he hasn’t had time to take a bite of breakfast. 

“What, suspicious of me?” Sougo asks. “I only want to know. You look constipated. Anyone giving you that much trouble honestly deserves my thanks.”

“How do you know it was a person and not an event, or something?” Hijikata snaps.

“No, he’s right, Toshi,” Kondo chimes in. “That’s your lovestruck face! Who is it?”

Hijikata stands up, slamming his knees into the table. It hurts like a bitch. He steps away, stone-faced, and speed walks out of the mess hall before the rest of the Shinsengumi overhear the conversation and take it as permission to start bothering him for answers. 

He is disappointed but not surprised to hear two pairs of footsteps following after him- a feeling he is, unfortunately, starting to get used to. 

“Hijikata-saaaaan,” Sougo says. “Don’t you want our advice? Kondo’s an expert in dealing with rejection. He’ll definitely know how to-”

“Oi! Oi!” Hijikata snaps, stopping in his tracks so that he can whirl around to face Sougo. “Why are you assuming that I’ve already been rejected!?”

“Yeah, Sougo,” Kondo says, frowning. “Hijikata might not have confessed yet! Preparing for rejection is an entirely different process than recovering from rejection!”

“That’s not better! You’re still assuming he’ll reject me!” Hijikata yells, ignoring the way Sougo and Kondo perk up at the pronoun. “I’ll have you know that I’m way out of his league, actually. My only problem is my shit taste!”

“Must be a pretty awful guy, then, to be lower than you,” Sougo says, eyes sparkling. “Maybe I should preemptively beat some sense into him to make sure he treats you right- oh, but if I do that, he might level up until he’s out of your reach… hm…”

“Just how bad of a partner do you guys think I’d be?!” Hijikata groans. “It doesn’t matter, anyways- there’s nothing either of you could do to drag this guy out of the gutter. He’s that nasty.”

Kondo tilts his head like a puppy. “Wait… Toshi… there’s only one person you talk about with such scornful language. Could your lover be-?”

Hijikata slaps his hand over Kondo’s mouth. “Would you two cut it out?! It’s not that big of a deal!”

“I’d say otherwise,” Sougo says. “It’s seriously Danna? I’ll have to send him a thank you note.”

“You-” Hijikata pinches his nose. “Keep your noses out of my business! I’ll handle it-”

“Like you handled my sister?” Sougo says. His tone is still light.

Hijikata looks at him. There’s an edge to his glare beyond the usual, slightly homicidal tint he tends to look at Hijikata with. 

“Oi, oi,” Hijikata says half-heartedly. “Why are you getting all worked up about Yorozuya’s end of things? Shouldn’t you be on my side?”

“You were wrong, Hijikata-san,” Sougo says. “Danna’s out of your league.”

“That’s not true,” Hijikata snaps. “He’s a lazy, obnoxious, good-for-nothing scoundrel who wouldn’t know a hard day’s work if it hit him over the head. He’s going to steal all of my money and spend it on parfaits instead of mayo, and then I’ll have to strangle him.”

“Hm? How is he going to steal all of your money when you’re halfway across the country working as a spy for the shogunate?” Sougo asks, a hint of disdain coloring his voice. 

“I’ll have you know that I’m planning on staying right where I am right now,” Hijikata folds his arms. 

“Oh? You’ll be sending Danna away, then?” Sougo remarks. “How heartless.”

“I couldn’t get that man out of Edo if I tried,” Hijikata mutters, running his hand through his bangs. “No, I’m planning on- well-”

“You are confessing?” Kondo says, smile breaking across his face. “ Toshi!”

“Yes, and it’s none of your business!” Hijikata says. “I’ll do it on my time, when I see fit-”

“You should give him the day off, Kondo-san,” Sougo drawls. “So that he can do it now.”

“What? No, that’s too soon!” Hijikata says, reeling. “I only just-”

“Young love…” Kondo says, wiping away a tear. “Yes, yes, of course. Toshi, go tell him- go on! Don’t be shy! The Shinsengumi can survive one day without you.”

They sort of can’t, but Hijikata can’t reason with Kondo when he’s like this. The man’s always been a romantic. There’s a terrifying glint in Sougo’s eyes, too, that promises pain if he doesn’t get his act together quickly. The two of them are tag-teaming them! There’s no way he can get out of this!

“I seriously only realized this morning, during breakfast,” Hijikata says, attempting one last, desperate appeal. “I haven’t had time to plan what to say.”

“Well, it’s not like any plan could survive contact with Danna,” Sougo says, smiling maliciously. “Besides, confessions should come from the heart, don’t you think, Kondo-san?”

“That’s very true!” Kondo laughs. “Is that my problem…? Would Otae-san be more inclined to accept my advances if I were to truly let go of all inhibitions and speak purely from instinct…?”

“You’re not thinking about it to begin with,” Hijikata mutters. 

Kondo ignores him. “Anyways, you should go now, Toshi! Strike while the steel iron of your feelings is still hot with passion!” 

He looks at Kondo. He looks at Sougo.

There’s not a hint of mercy in their eyes. Hijikata sighs. “Guess I’ve got no choice.”

And that’s how Hijikata finds himself on Yorozuya’s doorstep at nine in the morning, the walk from the barracks to the run-down little shack passing in the blink of an eye. Otose spares him a glance as he climbs up the stairs. “They’re not awake yet.”

“Ah,” Hijikata says. “Yes. I figured.”

“You can let yourself in, though,” she adds. “He never locks the door, so he’s asking for it.”

“Right,” Hijikata mutters, slipping into the building. 

All of the lights are off, and that dog is snoring away in the corner. Hijikata pauses, unsure if he should try and wake Yorozuya up or just wait for someone to notice him. 

Shinpachi ends up deciding for him- he stomps up the stairs and flings open the door. “GIN-SAAAAN, KAGURA-CHAAAAN- oh, Hijikata-san. What are you doing here? Do the Shinsengumi have a job for us?”

“Er,” says Hijikata. “Not exactly.”

“Huh? Is there a dirty pig in our house?” Kagura yawns, rolling out of her closet. “Ewww… how long have you been here? You’re supposed to do your walk of shame before Shinpachi gets here, you know.”

“I- no, that’s not- I just got here-” Hijikata sputters. 

“But I’ll forgive you if you make breakfast,” Kagura finishes cheerfully. 

“Kagura-chan, you shouldn’t say stuff like that,” Shinpachi scolds her, only mildly exasperated. “You’re supposed to imply it in a way that makes him feel mildly ashamed and uncomfortable. That’s a lot more effective, usually.”

What’s wrong with these kids?! Who taught them that these kinds of manners were acceptable?!

“Gin-chan says a direct approach is key to a healthy relationship, uh-huh,” Kagura nods seriously. “He also says to do as he says and not as he does, which is probably good ‘cause he loves lying and hiding stuff.”

Right. Yorozuya. 

Hijikata clears his throat. “I just got here, actually. I was hoping to talk to Yorozuya about… something.”

Kagura gasps in delight. “Oh! You’re finally planning on taking responsibility for defiling Gin-chan like that? How much do you make a year?” 

“Kagura-chan!” Shinpachi says, distressed. “You shouldn’t be so happy- he might think that we’re okay with this marriage! You have to play bad cop for a little while longer so he agrees to give up more money to try and buy us over to his side!”

Who said anything about marriage?!

“Oh, right,” Kagura says. She turns back to Hijikata, holding out a hand with a deadly serious expression on her face. “Three packs of sukonbu a week or you’ll die a single man, got it?!”

“Ask for more than that!” Shinpachi hisses. “Like- rent!”

“Yeah! Rent!” Kagura declares. “Wait, but won’t Gin-chan just spend all of it on booze and stuff?”

“No, if Hijikata-san gives it directly to Otose, we’ll never have to worry about him wasting money again!” Shinpachi explains, seeming very proud of his reasoning. 

“Ooooh, that’s smart, ‘Pachi,” Kagura says, eyes wide. “Okay! You heard the man, Mayora! You gotta cough up the sukonbu, rent, and some Otsu-chan merch for Shinapchi every month if you wanna marry Gin-chan, got it?!”

“Hold on now,” Hijikata says slowly. “I never said anything about-”

“You’re breaking up with him?!” Kagura gasps. 

“Hijikata-san…” Shinpachi looks at him mournfully. “What happened? What went wrong?”

“This is why children can’t be trusted with love,” Kagura says, shaking her head sagely. “It burns through their veins before leaving them alone in the ashes, with nothing to show for it but some ugly babies.”

“That’s not it either!” Hijikata snaps. “You- we aren’t dating yet!” 

The two of them stare at him. 

“You mean… Hijikata-san, you’re going to start dating him?” Shinpachi says hesitantly. 

“Well. Yes. If that’s what he wants,” Hijikata says stiffly. 

“Hah? Why were the two of you fucking like bunnies if you weren’t even dating?” Kagura says, wrinkling her nose. “Was he paying you? Were you paying him?”

“No! No, it was just- what are you talking about?! We hardly met up that often!” Hijikata shakes his head. “We were just- friends! With some benefits!” 

“Well, I think it’s sweet,” Shinpachi says loyally. “He’s in his room right now- all our shouting probably woke him up, so you can go talk to him now.”

“Well, I don’t know… Gin-chan’s pretty good at sleeping through noise,” Kagura says, picking her nose. 

“No, Kagura-chan, he just pretends sometimes because he’s a lazy bum,” Shinpachi says. 

“Nuh-uh! That’s true sometimes, but other times he’s pretending to be lazy when he’s really just tired! You gotta read between the lines with Gin-chan!” Kagura fires back. Hijikata slips into Yorozuya's room. 

He’s not in his futon- Hijikata notices this very quickly and stares at it for a long moment in befuddled silence before a slight movement at the edge of his vision catches his eye, and he looks towards it. 

Yorozuya is halfway out the window. He lowers himself further down, avoiding eye-contact with Hijikata. 

“ OI!” Hijikata snaps. “Get back here- were you eavesdropping on us?!”

Of course he was. Even if he wasn’t trying to, Kagura and Shinpachi were shouting at volumes probably audible back at the Shinsengumi compound. He’d have to be more than half-deaf not to hear at least half of the conversation. 

Yorozuya laughs awkwardly. “Well, Hijkata-kun, I’ve actually found myself a very important and high-paying job to take care of this morning, and seeing as Gin-san is a normal, honest citizen who cannot sustain himself off of stolen taxes, I should really get going-”

“Like hell you are,” Hijikata snaps. “Just- get back in here.”

Yorozuya squints at him, and then drops. 

“DAMN IT!” Hijikata shouts. He sprints out of the room, past Shinpachi and Kagura, who are still arguing about Yorozuya’s sleeping habits, out of the building, down the stairs, and into the alleyway where he manages to catch Yorozuya by the arm just before he can slip away. 

“Ah, Hijikata-kun,” Yoruzuya simpers. “What a- coincidence, meeting you here today- ow, hey, don’t squeeze so tight!” 

“I wouldn’t have to squeeze so tight if you were less of a slippery bastard,” Hijikata growls. “Come on. Back up.”

“Ahh, Hijikata-kun, the kids are here. Now’s really not the time,” Yorozuya says, fluttering his eyelashes. 

“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it!” Hijikata snaps. “Look, just- up the stairs!”

He manages to man-handle Yorozuya back up into the building with less effort than usual, which could mean nothing. Shinpachi and Kagura’s argument has escalated to throwing furniture. (Kagura has escalated to throwing furniture. Shinpachi isn’t capable of throwing a chair like a tennis ball.)

“Hey, you two,” Hijikata says gruffly, reaching into his wallet and blindly pulling out 5,000 yen. “Go entertain yourselves.”

“Wow~!” Kagura sings, dropping the end of a couch back on the floor hard enough to leave a dent. “Come on, Shinpachi, we should go get hot pot!”

“It’s 9:34 in the morning, and that’s not enough for hot pot anyways!” Shinpachi protests, trailing after her. “Plus, don’t you kind of want to stay and eavesdrop on those two?”

“Nah, I’ll just ask Sachan or Otose or Tama or Catherine or Yamazaki for the rundown later,” Kagura says. “You can stay if you want, though!”

“No way!” Shinpachi hisses. “Hey, give me the money- you can’t be trusted to hold onto it!”

The two of them bicker their way out of the house. Yorozuya watches them go with his typical dead-eyed expression. 

“Right,” says Hijikata. 

“Left,” says Yorozura, for no other reason than to be contrary. He flops down onto a couch. 

“Left what?” Hijkata asks, even though he knows he shouldn’t.

“Your mom,” Yorozuya replies, in a turn so predictable that he failed to predict it. 

“Yoro-” Hijkata tries again. 

“Look, Hijikata-kun, I appreciate you sending the kids out, but I don’t think little Gin-san’s in the mood to pony up this morning. I’ll need at least five parfaits before I’m ready for anything strenuous, you know?” Yorozuya says. “And really, it’s not fair that you sent them off with 5000 yen but not me. Don’t you care about my well-being? Don’t you care about how much pachinko I could have played with 5000 yen?”

“Yorozuya,” Hijikata says. “Look, can you just be serious for one second? We need to talk.”

Yorozuya stares at him blankly, one finger lodged in his nose. “Ah? Are we breaking up, Oogushi-kun? You wound me, really- here I was preparing to buy a house and spend the rest of my miserable life paying off the mortgage with you, and you come and crush all those dreams in one fell swoop… didn’t you ever stop to think about poor Gin-san’s feelings? Did you consider-”

“Just-! Shut up!” Hijikata barks, and then drags a hand down his face. “You already know-”

Yorozuya blinks at him, and then stretches out even further, sinking into the couch like some boneless, careless blobfish. 

“It’s. The opposite, actually,” Hijikata manages to grind out. “That is- Yorozuya-”

He’s not helping things. He’s not gasping or blushing- and Hijikata didn’t expect him to, but the blank dead-fish stare is really killing his confidence. 

The only thing more embarrassing than being in love with Yorozuya would be being rejected by him. If that happens, Hijikata will be forced to fake his death and move to another planet and sell crappy, mayo-less omelets from an illegal food truck to survive. It can’t possibly happen- but- hasn’t Yorozuya rejected a bunch of other people already? No, now’s not the time for doubts. 

“I’m in love with you,” Hijikata growls. It is, perhaps, not the most elegant love confession ever delivered, but it’s one that the Yoruzuya deserves. 

“Is that so?” Yorozuya muses, still digging for boogers. “Well, okay.”

‘Okay’ what??? Is he saying he returns Hijikata’s feelings? Is he just acknowledging the confession? Is he even listening?

“I’m going to need a clearer response,” Hijikata says through gritted teeth. 

Yorozuya meets his eyes for a split second that stretches out far longer than it has any right to. He grins, expression still oddly lifeless. “Sure. We can start dating for real, or whatever it is you want.”

“...are you sure?” Hijikata frowns at him. 

“Are you sure?” Yorozuya echoes. “Seems like you’re not… what kind of shojo protagonist backs away as soon as his crush agrees to start sharing spit?”

“We already do that!” Hijikata exclaims. “I’m not talking about that! I mean- I care about you, Yorozuya.”

It occurs to Hijikata, as an awkward silence starts to build, that Yorozuya is not any better at dealing with emotions than Hijikata is. 

“Okay,” Yorozuya finally says. He sits up, grinning for real. “Does this mean that you’ll finally start-”

“No… jokes, please,” Hijikata mutters. “I’m trying to be serious. I just… really…”

The grin fades. Yorozuya frowns, studying him. The silence returns. 

He’s not going to say it back. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love Hijikata- you have to read between the lines when dealing with Yorozuya. 

“Okay,” Hijikata says. “You know what? Okay.”

Yorozuya blinks. 

“I get it,” Hijikata says, grinning at him. He’s said it a thousand times before, even if Hijikata didn’t know he was supposed to be listening for it. All the times he’s reached out- the lengths he’s gone to to help-

“You’re the one talking nonsense, you know,” Yorozuya grumbles. “If anything, I’m the guy who should be saying ‘I get it.’”

“Maybe,” Hijikata agrees. He feels like he’s unlocked some crucial piece of the universe, like he understands Yorozuya better than anyone who has ever lived- the entirety of their relationship is falling into place in front of his eyes. Just how long has Yorozuya loved him?

“Well, whatever,” Yorozuya sighs. “Hey, if we’re dating now, will you take me out for parfaits?”

“...sure,” Hijikata agrees. “Just this once, though.”

They both know that it will not, in fact, be just this once. 

- - -

Things don’t change much. It makes sense, Hijikata thinks. Yorozuya has been in love with him for a very long time, obviously, and Hijikata may have been in love for just as long without realizing it! They’ve been fucking for a few months now, too, so in reality, the only thing that should change is the amount of money he hands over from his paycheck.

He’ll complain about Yorozuya wringing him dry for cash, of course, but in reality he’s not spending that much. Hijikata is happy to fill Yorozuya’s cupboard with more than quick carbs, anyways. 

He’d pay rent for him, too, but Otose had turned her nose up at it and muttered something about that brat having paid enough for a few lifetimes- but don’t tell him that! He kind of thinks that she doesn’t want him thinking he can bribe Yorozuya into loving him- but he’s not! Hijikata just wants to make sure that he’s eating his vegetables and staying healthy. Is that too much to ask?

Well, probably. 

“ How have you not gotten scurvy yet?” Hijikata asks Yorozuya’s kitchen incredulously. 

“Hm? Oh, you get immunity after the first few times,” Yorozuya replies, scratching his nose. 

“That’s… that’s not true. Wait, you have gotten scurvy before?” Hijkata sputters. 

“Not for a while,” Yorozuya says evasively. “I got immune to it.”

“You can’t do that!” Hijikata says. “Come on. We’re going grocery shopping.”

“Ooh, bring Shinpachi,” Yorozuya says, perking up. “He loves nagging people about what they should and shouldn’t spend their money on, it’ll be enriching.”

“What? Gin-san, did you say something about me?” Shinpachi says, sticking his head into the kitchen. “What are you telling Hijikata-san about me? Why are you even gossiping about me?! Isn’t that an HR violation? You know you’re my boss, right?!”

“Er,” says Hijikata. 

“You guys don’t have HR because you guys don’t have anything because you guys never unionized,” Yorozuya explains, leaning against the counter.

“That’s not true! We tried, once, but you just did jobs like normal!” Shinpachi says accusingly. “Do you not really need us around? Is that it? Are you trying to get rid of us?”

“Stop acting like a put-upon housewife in a bad drama!” Yorozuya volleys back. “You’re an invaluable member of the Yorozuya, and you can prove it by going grocery shopping with Hijikata-kun’s money.”

“Why can’t you?” Shinpachi huffs, snatching Hijikata’s wallet before he can protest. “You’re the best cook here, anyways, and you’re always complaining that we don’t have the right ingredients for the stuff you want to make, so you should come and make sure that we have all the right ingredients.”

“What? Shinpachi-kun, you’d take away my best excuse for not cooking so easily?” Yorozuya gasps. “That’s cruel.”

“What? Gin-chan’s gonna cook? I want hot pot!” Kagura declares, forcing her way into the small kitchen. The poor thing really wasn’t made to hold four people. Seemingly lured over by all of the yelling, Saduharu crams his way into the room as well. Hijikata wheezes as he gets shoved into the counter.

“What’s with you and hot pot lately, huh?” Yorozuya asks, trying and failing to keep Saduharu out of his face. “I- ack, stop that- thought you only had eyes for sukonbu.”

“I’m a growing girl with growing tastes!” Kagura says. “Sukonbu’s just a snack. I need meat for meals!”

“Fine, fine,” Yorozuya yawns. “I guess we’ll all have to go grocery shopping together, then.”

…it’s funny. Hijikata feels uneasy when put into the middle of the trio’s light-hearted bickering, but Yorozuya keeps dragging him back into the thick of it. Hijikata’s trying to read between the lines with Yorozuya, though, so he turns the situation on its side: Shinpachi and Kagura, getting to help shop and choose out things they like to eat. Hijikata, getting to spend more time with them, slowly growing closer to all of them. 

Saduharu and Kagura run ahead while Shinpachi trails after them. Hijikata knocks his elbow into Yorozuya’s as they all file out of the kitchen and towards the nearest supermarket. Yorozuya sends him a questioning glance, but Hijikata just shakes his head happily.

“Gin-chaaaan,” Kagura whines. “Stop paying attention to the stupid tax-thief and carry me! My feet are getting tired.”

“Eh? We just started walking!” Yorozuya complains. 

“Yeah, but the supermarket’s like, forever away.” Kagura groans. “I’m getting tired just thinking about it!”

“Oi, oi, so am I, but you don’t see me begging you for a piggy-back ride!” Yorozuya says. “Growing girls like you should really learn to suffer in silence.”

“Yeah, well, growing boys like you should really learn to cave to my every demand!” Kagura declares. “It doesn’t matter if you’re tired too- you should carry me, ‘cuz you’re still young and spry!”

“You’re the one who’s young!” Yorozuya says. “Can’t you see how grey my hair is? You need to respect your elders.”

“Nuh-uh, it’s silver!” Kagura stomps her foot. “Stupid Gin-chan, don’t you ever look in the mirror?”

“Ah, it’s silver? Really?” Yorozuya drawls. “Can I get that in writing?”

“Can I get a piggy-back?” Kagura counters. 

“Don’t do it, Kagura-chan,” Shinpachi interjects. “He’s going to use it to win all sorts of arguments after this. Don’t settle for instant gratification when an entire future of making fun of Gin-san for having grey hair is at stake.”

“I can manipulate Hijikata-kun into carrying you,” Yorozuya bargains. 

“Hey, what?!” Hijikata jolts to attention. “You’ll what? Hey, Yorozuya, what?”

“Hmm… he smells like mayo and nicotine, though,” Kagura pouts. 

“I’ve been told that those are very dignified smells,” Yorozuya tells her. 

“Can I get that in writing?” Hijkata blurts out. 

Yorozuya smiles at him. “Nope~!”

“Well, I think it smells nasty,” Kagura says. “I’m just a growing young girl, so I shouldn’t be exposed to stuff like that, anyways. Gin-chan, you’re the only one who can save me from my aching joints.”

“Eh? Choose an age and stick to it!” Yorozuya sighs. “Why didn’t you bring Saduharu so you could ride on him?”

“The author accidentally wrote him out of the scene earlier, and it would be awkward to reintroduce him,” Kagura says mournfully. 

“But you’re reintroducing him right now!” Shinpachi protests. “Right there! You just drew attention to it! No one would have noticed if you didn’t bring it up but you did! Now you don’t have Saduharu and the audience knows that the author made a mistake!”

“Was it even a mistake, though?” Yorozuya muses. “Maybe the author just wanted to write a fourth-wall breaking joke and so it excluded Saduharu from the scene on purpose so that it could bring it up later. You never know, with these types.”

“What types?!” Shinpachi demands. “Who would go to those kinds of lengths for a single gag, anyways?! That line was obviously just a cover-up because it made a mistake and was embarrassed!”

“Then why’d it bring attention to the fact that Saduharu was missing, huh?” Kagura demands. “It could have just ignored him, or made me say something like ‘he’s sleeping at home and I didn’t have the heart to wake him up,’ but instead it started this whole tangent about whether it did all of this on purpose or not!”

“Wait, what?” Shinpachi starts counting out something on his fingers- Hijikata has no idea what. “Either it’s going to really extreme lengths to use reverse psychology to convince us that this was its intention all along or this really was its intention all along… if it’s the first one, that’s kind of pathetic, but if it’s the second, then I guess that’s pretty cool…”

“Let’s look at its profile and see if it's done any other meta stuff like this before,” Kagura suggests. 

“No way! That’d be situational evidence at best, and a whole lot of work to format everything properly to make a joke like that work!” Yorozuya says. “Besides, we’re here!”

“DON’T MOVE THE STORY FORWARD JUST TO AVOID WORKING WITH HTML!” Kagura shouts, kicking the text. “What kind of visual gag was that?! All you did was press tab! I’m way stronger than that! You should have embedded that in the edge of the screen or something!”

“It’s okay, Kagura-chan. This gag’s been going for a while now, anyways, so we should probably stop messing around with it and get to shopping,” Shinpachi says. 

“Right,” Hijikata clears his throat and tries to stifle his smile. “Do you guys have a shopping list?”

“Not really,” Yorozuya and Kagura say in unison. 

“Rice,” Shinpachi says. “Dog food, strawberry milk, pudding cups, eggs, sukonbu, and anything that Gin-san wants to cook later.”

“Yeah, yeah, just grab whatever. I’ll figure it out later,” Yorozuya says dismissively. 

“Don’t forget some mayo for the mayora,” Kagura chimes in. 

Hijkata looks at her. “Huh?”

“You’re gonna be coming over more now, right?” Kagura asks. “So I guess we’ll let you keep some mayo in our fridge. Only one jar at a time, though, and you have to buy it!”

“Why are you saying that like you’re doing me a favor?” Hijikata asks. “I’m doing all the work here!”

“Nuh-uh, I’m doing a lot of work because I have to let you stink up our fridge with that gunk,” Kagura insists. “It’ll be really hard, but I’ll manage for you.”

“Don’t say that like that’s some touching gesture!” Hijikata says, even though he is, admittedly, kind of touched. “Tolerating mayo isn’t enough! You need to love it! Breathe it!”

“Yuck! I’ve got my sukonbu, thanks!” Kagura sticks her tongue out. “Be happy with what you’ve got, brat!”

“You’re the brat,” Hijikata grumbles. 

“”Gin-san, should I just grab some vegetables and stuff?” Shinpachi asks. “Or, wait- we’re almost out of salt.”

“Who needs salt?” Yorozuya asks. 

“Us! We do!” Shinpachi insists. “You can’t cook without salt!”

“Why are you being so stubborn?” Hijikata wonders. “You’re not even paying for all this! I am! Just buy whatever, I wanna fill up your kitchen. I- hey, wait, Shinpachi-kun, can I have my wallet back?”

“No,” says Shinpachi. “You’re not allowed to change your mind.”

“I won’t!” Hijikata says, exasperated. “Why are you so hung up about the cooking, anyways? You don’t live there!”

“Yeah, but ‘Pachi eats all of his meals here,” Kagura says. “Anego sucks at cooking. You should know that, Mayora! Don’t you care about supporting that gorilla? You should be a more attentive listener!”

“Right, right,” Hijikata mutters. “...well, whatever. Hurry up and grab a grocery cart.”

“WE’RE GETTING A GROCERY CART FULL OF STUFF!?” Kagura shouts. “For real?! Okay, you can keep two bottles of mayo in our fridge. You’ve earned it.”

“What? Yeah, I told you, we’re filling up your kitchen,” Hijkata says. “And stop trying to bribe me with mayo!”

“I’m not bribing you! I’m rewarding your good behavior!” Kagura says. “It’s- um- positive reinforcement!”

“...how are we going to carry it all home?” Shinpachi worries. 

Hijikata has not thought about that. 

“We’ll just steal the grocery cart,” Yorozuya says. 

“I- no. Don’t do that,” Hijikata says. 

“We’ll return it?” Yorozuya tries. 

“No, it’s okay. Gin-chan’s really strong. We’ll just give him all the bags and have him run home,” Kagura says confidently. “You use a grocery cart ‘cuz it’s hard to balance all the little cans and boxes, but once they’re in a bag, they’re easy to carry!”

“Don’t you want to steal a shopping cart, Kagura-chan?” Yorozuya sings. “Come on, do you really want to listen to me complain all the way home, or do you want to live life on the edge?”

“I wanna steal a shopping cart!” Kagura says. 

“No! No, you guys, Hijikata-san’s a cop! Don’t say those kinds of things in front of him! Plan it out in your head before making a wild dash with the cart at the last minute so that you can plead temporary insanity in court!” Shinpachi scolds them. 

“...whatever,” Hijiakta grumbles, turning away to grab a cart, since everyone else is too distracted. “Just make sure I have plausible deniability.”

“We’re corrupting him, Gin-chan!” Kagura shouts. 

“No, no- all cops are bastards, Kagura,” Yorozuya tells her. “We’re helping to redeem him. Turning a blind eye is really the least he can do- someday we’ll convince him to resign entirely, but we’ve got to start with baby steps.”

“I can hear you, you know,” Hijikata says, returning with a cart. “Do you want me to pay for your groceries or not?”

“Oh, no… that’s financial abuse,” Shinpachi says. 

“It’s- shut up!” Hijikata snaps. “Just get the stuff you guys need.”

“Come on, Gin-san,” Shinpachi says, grabbing the sleeve of his yukata. “If you were going to make- uh, sushi, what ingredients would you need?”

“Hmm?” Yorozuya says, mildly amused by Shinpachi’s attempts to wrangle him. “Well, I suppose we’d need rice…”

“Yes, that’s a good start… anything else?” Shinpachi drags him off into the aisles, leaving Hijkata and Kagura to pick up the essentials, presumably. 

“So… what kind of dog food do you guys usually get?” Hijikata asks. 

“The cheap kind,” Kagura says confidently. “Saduharu eats a lot, so make sure to buy in bulk! A bag a day usually, uh–huh!” 

“He eats-” Hijkata blinks. “I don’t know why I’m surprised. Okay, load the bags on the bottom of the cart here, see? That way the basket will be open for other stuff.”

“Okay!” Kagura hefts a stack of seven bags off the shelf. “Hey, can I ride in the cart?”

“Aren’t you too old for that?” Hijikata asks. “Okay, next we should grab rice…”

Kagura huffs, and climbs into the basket. “Come on, Mayora! Push me as fast as you can!”

“No. I don’t want to get kicked out of the store,” Hijikata says firmly. 

“Fine, just push me normal, then!” Kagura insists. 

“All right,” Hijkata sighs. “Just until we need to start putting food in, though.”

“Yipee!” Kagura says. “To the rice!”

They go down the rest of the list without incident- Kagura doesn’t end up getting out of the cart, but Hijikata finds that he doesn’t mind all that much. At some point, Yorozuya and Shinpachi end up wandering back over to them, dumping a couple of vegetables and cans in the cart. They grab the last few things they need, and check out. 

“If I’d known that you gave free food to everyone you dated I’d have pinned you down a while ago,” Yorozuya muses, picking his nose. 

“No, you wouldn’t have!” Kagura says. “You’re kind of stupid. I don’t think you would have realized that this guy liked you at all, so you wouldn’t have seriously asked him.”

“I noticed,” Yorozuya says, a little too offended to be lying. “He was too obvious not to!”

“Ah?” Hijkata says, leaning closer. “Why didn’t you say anything, then?”

It might be playing dirty, because even though he’s teasing, he wants to know. There’s no way Yorozuya will tell him outright- but at the very least, Hijikata can read between the lines of his reaction. 

“What?” Yorozuya wrinkles his nose. “Well… that’s just…”

“Sir?” the cashier interrupts, unimpressed. “Can you please step forward and pay? You’re blocking the line.”

Hijikata jumps and hurries to thumb out enough bills to cover the groceries, interrogation forgotten. Everything is loaded into bags, then back into the cart (Kagura is finally removed), and then everyone heads out into the parking lot. 

They’re halfway back to Yorozuya’s place by the time Hijikata realizes that they still have the shopping cart. 

“Wait,” he realizes, glancing back. “You guys-!”

“We did it in a fit of madness, Hijikata-san,” Shinpachi explains solemnly. 

“You seem pretty normal to me!” Hijikata fires back .

“Don’t worry, we’ll bring it back when we’re done,” Yorozuya says. “And anyways, there’s no point in turning around to bring it back now when we’ve already come so far. Might as well let us finish bringing these home and take it back tomorrow.”

“That’s a cost-sunk fallacy, Gin-chan,” Kagura points out. “But you’re right. Come on, Mayora, aren’t you hungry? The sooner we get these home the sooner we can have dinner!” 

“Yeah, Hijikata-kun, Kagura-chan’s a growing girl! Are you really going to deprive her of food so that you can stop one, minor, temporary crime?” Yorozuya asks. 

“...no. Fine. Whatever,” Hijikata mutters. “Just return it, okay?”

“Yes, sir!” Kagura shouts happily. “Oh! We’re back!”

Her and Shinpachi grab the bulk of the groceries and sprint up the stairs. Yorozuya smiles fondly, grabs the pack of pudding cups, and follows them. Hijkata hesitates before following him to the doorstep. 

“Eh?” Yorozuya turns back when Hijikata stops. 

“No kiss goodbye?” Hijikata teases.

“You aren’t staying for dinner?” Yorozuya says, sounding surprised.

“Er- well, I’m not opposed, I just- I don’t want to intrude, so-” Hijikata says. 

“Nah, it’s fine,” Yorozuya says. “You paid, anyways. You should at least get your money’s worth.”

Hijikata huffs, shaking his head. “Yorozuya…”

Yorozuya frowns. “Hey, aren’t we dating? Shouldn’t you call me by my name or something now? Yorozuya is just so impersonal.”

He takes a step towards Hijikata. 

“O-oh,” Hijikata says. “Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Yorozuya says mockingly. “Say it, then. My name.”

“Gintoki,” Hijikata breathes. 

“Everyone calls me that, yeah,” Gintoki says approvingly. “Or Gin-san, or something. You’re the stuffy hold-out, here. Glad that’s out of the way.”

“W-well, you still call me Hijikata!” Hijikata snaps, flustered. 

“Because everyone calls you Hijikata,” Gintoki explains patiently. “I bet you even call yourself Hijikata in your third-person narration! But if you really want, I could start calling you Toshi…”

“Don’t,” Hijikata chokes. “Just. Hijikata is fine, actually.”

“Yeah,” Gintoki says triumphantly. “That’s what I thought.”

“GIN-CHAN!” Kagura shouts from inside. “COME COOK DINNER OR I’M EATING ALL THE RAW INGREDIENTS!” 

“Ah! It’s a scary threat because she’ll totally follow through!” Gintoki yelps, and rushes inside. 

Hijikata follows him in at a leisurely pace, settling in the living room with Shinpachi while Gintoki cooks/wrestles raw food away from Kagura/inhales half of the pudding cups they just bought. 

“I’m glad you’re here, Hijikata-san,” Shinpachi says, out of nowhere. 

“Oh…” Hijikata says. “Yeah, I’m glad to be here, too. I didn’t realize how lonely I was until I started hanging around you all.”

“Oh. That’s sweet, but it’s not what I meant,” Shinpachi says. “I was just thinking… well, it’s hard being the only straight man around those two. Gin-san will put in an incredulous exclamation every once and a while when Kagura does something really absurd, but mostly they just egg each other on into weirder places. It’s really nice to have someone helping me yell futilely at them when they’re being stupid.”

“Oh,” says Hijikata. It’s an oddly touching sentiment- that is to say, he’s getting a little misty-eyed, even though it wasn’t that touching at all. He blames his overworked emotions- he’s been so happy lately that they’re willing to interpret anyone and anything as a sign of love. Maybe he needs to stop reading between the lines; he’s getting a little too comfortable assuming that people like him. 

…or maybe it’s okay to think that. Maybe it’s even true. 

Hijikata smiles. 

- - -

On days when Hijikata sleeps over, he gets up before Shinpachi arrives to rouse the other inhabitants of the house and eats toast for breakfast, and then heads to work. It’s kind of a long commute, so he only stays over about twice a week, but it’s still good. Great, even. Gintoki is annoying, and childish, and also the best man that Hijikata has ever met, and somehow he manages to fall a little more in love with him every day. Sougo walks back his murder attempts from daily to weekly affairs, something which is almost certainly because he likes Gintoki for some inscrutable reasons, and not because he’s finally softening up on Hijikata, but he’ll take what he can get. Shinpachi and Kagura stop yelling at him for leaving three bottles of mayo in their fridge and start yelling at him to quit his job, which is kind of annoying, because he’s the only real breadwinner in the family-

Hijikata chokes on his mayo on toast. No more internal monologues for him today. Not if he’s going to be thinking stuff like that. 

He stands up, and heads out to the balcony for a smoke. 

…things are really good, though. Gintoki seems like he’s doing better. It’s hard to tell, sometimes, but Hijikata’s pretty sure that he’s doing a good job reading between the lines. 

Something shifts behind him. Hijikata twists to see Kagura slipping out onto the balcony behind him, up a whole hour before she normally is. 

“Hey, Mayora,” Kagura says. 

“Hey yourself,” he replies, puffing on his cigarette. “Could you get out of here? Gintoki’ll strangle me if you inhale a cubic centimeter of second-hand smoke.”

“Hmm,” Kagura hums unsympathetically. “I’ll just kind of hold my breath, and it’ll work out okay.”

“It’s just my death bed,” HIjikata mutters. “No need to get so worked up.”

“No, I’m not worked up at all,” Kagura says. “But, um… Mayora…”

He looks down at her. 

It’s not often that someone tries to have a serious conversation with him, especially when it pertains to emotions. Hijikata is, after all, fucking terrible with them. However, he has been dating Gintoki for about a month now, and he manages to be even worse at talking about feelings than Hijikata is. If Kagura’s two choices are Hijikata and him… well, someone has to be capable of holding a discussion without a minimum of seventeen layers of deflection, and it’s not going to be Gintoki. 

Hijikata snuffs out his cigarette without a second thought and crouches down beside her. “What’s up?”

“I thought that Gin-chan would be happier if you two got together,” Kagura says hesitantly. “But…”

Hijikata’s heart sinks. “What? Is he not happy?”

Kagura shakes her head. “You have to read between the lines with Gin-chan. He’s smiling more, but he’s sleeping less, and when you’re not here, he doesn’t get up for hours and hours sometimes.” 

“He…” Hijikata swallows. “When did this start?” 

“Three days after you told him you should date,” Kagura says. “At first, I thought it was maybe just Gin-chan being stupid, like he does sometimes, when he thinks that he’s being selfish, but he hasn’t tried to get rid of you even once. Are you blackmailing him?”

“I- no!” Hijikata exclaims. “I didn’t even- I didn’t know that he was… God, I should have-”

Should have what? Noticed that he was being weirdly un-self-destructive? What’s even wrong with him? Is it connected to Hijikata at all?

“Okay,” Kagura says. “If you’re not doing it on purpose… you want to make Gin-chan happy again, right?”

“Of course,” Hijkata says. 

“Then you’ll help me figure out how to fix it?” Kagura beams up at him. 

“I’ll do everything I can,” Hijkata promises. He means it. 

He still heads to work like normal after that, but he’s far from his usual standards of productivity. Everything he does is tinted with anxiety. He doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong. He feels bad about not noticing that something was wrong with Gintoki, and then feels mad that Gintoki is forcing him to read between the lines like this instead of being upfront about his feelings. All of this would be so much easier if he’d just talk to Hijikata!

“Trouble in paradise?” Sougo drawls, scaring Hijikata out of his socks. 

“God, someone should put a bell on you- paradise? Hardly,” Hijikata scoffs. “It’s nothing but trouble with that guy.”

“Of course,” Sougo says. “That’s why you’ve signed your name five times on that piece of paper, then.”

Hijikata looks down at the mess of overlapping characters. “You’re distracting me.”

“No, you wrote that before I came over,” Sougo informs him. “Anyways, normally I’d be glad to see your romantic endeavors failing, but you also usually start working harder so that you can ignore your problems when things start to sour. Right now you’re just making more work for me- Kondo-san is making me go over all of your paperwork to make sure it’s done right.”

“Shouldn’t you be glad about that, too?” Hijikata asks. “It means you’re one step closer to taking my position as vice-chief.”

“...ah, that’s true,” Sougo says. “Well, keep wasting away and die, Hijikata-san.”

He turns to leave. 

“Wait. Sougo,” Hijikata says. 

Sougo stops, hand on his sword. “Hijikata.”

“Have you- have you seen Gintoki recently?” Hijikata asks.

“I mean, I ran into him yesterday afternoon, if that’s what you’re asking,” Sougo says, narrowing his eyes. “Why? Did you lose him?”

“No, nothing like that,” Hijikata mutters. “I just- did he seem happy?”

“...well, sure,” Sougo says. “But Danna always seems happy unless he’s got a real sword, really. You have to read between the lines with him.”

“I have been trying,” Hijikata growls. “But it is very difficult. Someone should tell that guy to just talk about his feelings like a normal person.”

Sougo stares at him judgmentally. 

“Shut up!” Hijikata snaps. “I’m better than he is, anyways!” 

“I didn’t say anything, Hijikata-san,” Sougo says. “Anyways, you better treat him right.”

“I am trying,” Hijikata says. 

“...well, at least there’s that,” Sougo murmurs. He walks away. 

He just can’t begin to fathom what the problem might be. 

Maybe he needs to get an outside perspective; Kagura is observant, yes, but it’s possible that she’s come to the wrong conclusion about the source of Gintoki’s troubles. There’s not necessarily a connection between their relationship and Gintoki being unhappy. 

Hijikata hasn’t noticed anything wrong, but neither has Sougo- he’ll have to talk to a few other people about it, try and crowdsource a solution. 

He glances at the pathetic stack of paperwork he’s managed to get through today. Most of it is probably filled out incorrectly. There’s no point to working when he’s like this. Hijikata swallows, and stands up to go do something he’s never done before: ask for time off. 

“ TOSHI!?” Kondo shouts, upon hearing his request. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

He reaches over to feel Hijikata’s forehead, and Hijikata swats his hand away. “I’m fine. I just need to take some time to look into things.”

“Is someone dying?” Kondo asks, eyes shining with unshed tears. “Am I dying?”

“No,” Hijikata snaps. “No one is dying! I’m just-”

“Something’s wrong with Danna,” Sougo interrupts. 

Hijikata jumps. “ When did you get in here?”

“No!” Kondo shouts. “Toshi… you have to fight for this beautiful thing you have! Don’t let a single argument get in the way of true love!”

“I’m not!” Hijikata protests. “I don’t even know what’s wrong with him! All I have to go off of is Kagura’s word about it. I just wanna interview a few other people to see if they’ve noticed anything off about him.”

“He’s freaking out over nothing,” Sougo translates. “He’s having a nervous breakdown. His mind has been addled by all of this romance. He’s not fit for his position. You should have him demoted and executed immediately.”

“I’m so proud of you, Toshi,” Kondo says, wiping away a tear and ignoring Sougo’s helpful suggestions. “It takes real courage to take the initiative in a relationship. To be entirely honest, I never thought I’d see the day you’d willingly do something like this! Ah, it makes me so happy…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Hijikata grumbles. “So. Can I go?”

“Yes, yes, of course!” Kondo says. “Sougo will take over your duties for the day, it won’t be a problem.”

Yes, it will be- but it will be a problem for Hijikata of the future! Hijikata of the present springs to his feet.

“Die, Hijikata-san,” Sougo says, which is probably his way of saying goodbye. 

“Good luck!” Kondo hollers. Hijikata walks away faster.

His first stop is the Shimura’s dojo. Shinpachi is home, for some reason, and futilely trying to convince Tae to drop the eggs, please, Aneue, don’t you know that chemical warfare was outlawed by the Geneva convention- 

“HIJIKATA-SAN!” he shrieks upon seeing him. “Wow, what a lovely time for you to come by! I’m really glad to see you, really-”

“Shinpachi-kun,” Tae says sweetly. “Don’t think that having guests over means that you should skip meals. It really isn’t healthy.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it!” Shinpachi says like a lying liar. “I was just thinking that you should make some for Hijikata-san, as well! He’s taking time out of his busy day to visit us, after all!”

“Hey, I know misery loves company, but isn’t this taking things too far?” Hijiakta mutters. Shinpachi ignores him. 

“...what are you doing here, Hijikata-san?” Tae asks suspiciously. “How’d you manage to get past the stalker defenses?”

“Ah, I’m not here on Kondo-san’s behalf,” Hijikata says, grimacing. “I’m actually… well, I was wondering… has Gintoki seemed off to you guys lately?”

Shinpachi and Tae exchange a glance. 

“No,” Tae says. “But I don’t spend as much time with him as you two.”

“A little, I guess,” Shinpachi says slowly. “He’s… going out a lot. Getting really, really drunk. And sometimes he goes out on jobs all by himself. But Gin-san just does stuff like that sometimes. He’ll get better in a few weeks.”

“...Kagura-chan said that he wasn’t getting out of bed sometimes,” Hijikata says. 

“He’s not-! Oh, that’s worse than usual,” Shinpachi mutters. “I don’t… I don’t really know what to tell you, Hijikata-san. Gin-san doesn’t like talking about that stuff with us. Or anyone, really, but he’s definitely extra careful to try and hide it from me and Kagura. Maybe you’d have more luck.”

“Right,” Hijikata sighs. “Thanks for your help.”

“It’s not a problem,” Shinpachi says firmly. “I want the best for Gin-san. He’s done a lot for me. I want to pay him back. Aneue, do you think I should head in today…?”

“We both will,” Tae says firmly. “We’ll bring him some omelets, to help him feel better. as soon as I finish this next batch. Oh, Hijikata-san, I forgot to offer you one, because I was being suspicious of your intentions…”

“Really, it’s okay,” Hijikata says. “I have to get going- I’ve got to interview some more people.”

“You need to keep your strength up,” Tae insists. “You’re doing such important work- at least take one for the road.”

“...fine,” Hijikata says, gingerly taking a box. He will be disposing of it at the soonest possible opportunity. 

“Good luck, Hijikata-san,” Shinpachi says. He leans closer, and whispers. “I’ll keep Aneue from bringing over any eggs- I have a feeling they’d only make things worse.”

“That’s probably for the best,” Hijikata says. Shinpachi is such a sensible boy. 

He nods, and takes a step back. “Hey, Aneue? You know, I really think we should bring over more than one batch. Don’t you think that Gin-san will need six or seven to recover?”

Hijikata shivers and takes his leave, praying for Gintoki’s sake that Shinpachi’s bluff works. 

His feet lead him back to Gintoki’s place- but now’s not the time to visit Gintoki. Instead, he ducks into Otose’s Snack House. 

“We’re closed,” Otose says, glaring at him from across the room.

“Yeah, sorry,” Hijkata mutters. “I know. I’m here to talk about Gintoki.”

Otose raises an eyebrow. “Are you why he’s been moping around lately?”

“I- maybe? I hope not?” Hijikata says. “I’m trying to figure it out.”

Catherine scoffs. “Just ask him, then. It’s not like there’s anything complicated going on in his empty head.”

“Communication does tend to lead to healthier relationships in 98.42% of cases,” Tama chimes in. 

Otose stares at him and takes a puff of her pipe. Hijikata takes a deep breath, savoring the nicotine from where he is across the room. 

“That guy’s hard to figure out,” Otose finally says. “If you don’t know exactly what to ask, he’ll dance around the issue until you forget you were ever concerned. You’re right to figure out a plan of attack before talking to him- as long as you do plan on talking to him.”

“I do,” Hijikata says quietly. 

“I don’t know what’s going on with him right now,” Otose adds. “So good luck finding it out. But if things start getting too hard, just remember that it’s not your responsibility to hear the things Gintoki won’t say.”

Hijikata pauses. 

“If you wait long enough, he might open up,” Otose says. “But he might not. That’s on him. Work with what he gives you, but don’t tire yourself out chasing shadows.”

“...right,” Hijikata says. 

“I mean it,” Otose lifts her pipe. “I care about him a hell of a lot more than I care about you, but he’s stupid sometimes. If he’s not going to tell you what you can do to help, then there’s no point in guessing. Leave it be. He’ll adapt or die at some point.”

“Right,” Hijikata says, a little more confidently. 

“Good luck,” Otose says. 

“Give him a good smack when you see him next,” Catherine adds, unnecessarily. Hijikata slips out. 

He’s still at a complete loss. For a moment he considers just wandering around town and talking to everyone and anyone who knows Gintoki, but that won’t work either- why would Gintoki have explained his woes to any of these people?

Doesn’t he have a drinking buddy? That pathetic MADAO? Maybe Gintoki’s shared more than he normally would while shit-faced. The MADAO wouldn’t remember, though- he’d be getting black-out drunk right alongside Gintoki. Still, though, it might be worth a shot…

Out of the corner of his eye, Hijikata sees a man with long, black hair. He instinctively tenses, hand going to his sword before he remembers that he has the day off, and therefore no obligation to chase after terrorists. 

God. What a waste of a day, though. He doesn’t feel any closer to learning-

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura!” Katsura shouts. 

Oh god. 

“Ahahaha!” Sakamoto laughs. “Keep telling yourself that! I’ve heard you slip up before, though, Zura-chi! You’ve definitely surrendered to the name by now!”

No. He’s not going to do it. He doesn’t have to do anything.

“You’re mistaken,” Katsura sniffs. “I think you’ll find that I always get my name right.”

What are the chances that they’ll even know anything about Gintoki? Less than zero, surely- it’s not as if they see him regularly. 

“Alright, alright,” Sakamoto says. “Then where are we heading next, Katsura?”

He doesn’t want to talk to them, dammit! They’re idiots! Clowns! They can’t even hold a coherent conversation on a good day!

“It’s not Katsura,” Katsura says, seemingly out of instinct. “It’s Zura.”

And isn’t it pathetic? That these two men might be the only people on the planet who can help him? He’s going to start crying. He really is. 

“Ha!” Sakamoto shouts. “Ahahaha! You really said it! Can I get that in writing?”

Ah, well. It’s not like he has any other choice. Hijikata stands up and trudges over to the two Joui. 

“Absolutely not!” Katsura stomps his foot. “I misspoke, that’s all! I didn’t mean- oh, the police are here. Where did I put my smoke bombs…?”

“Not on police duty,” Hijikata says. “I’m here to talk about Gintoki.”

The two of them blink owlishly at him. 

“Like… you mean Kintoki?” Sakomoto asks. “He’s not the Shiroyasha, and he’s not involved with any terrorism. And he never has been or will be. And neither am I.”

“You forgot to mention me,” Katsura hisses. 

“No, I didn’t forget,” Sakomoto says. 

“I’m not here on police duty,” Hijikata repeats. “And I already know that that was a lie, so don’t bother. It doesn’t matter.”

“Ahaha! You’re a perspective guy, huh?” Sakamoto says. “Well, alright. Me and Zura-chi are going out drinking- don’t tell Mutsu, ahaha! You should come!”

“I’d rather this be quick,” Hijikata says stiffly. “I was just wondering if you’d seen him lately.”

“Not yet!” Sakamoto says. “But Zura-chi said that he seemed sad, so I came to be on standby for a little bit.”

“You’ve seen him, then?” Hijikata asks, turning to Katsura. 

“No,” says Katsura. “Leader just sent Elizabeth back with a note explaining Gintoki’s odd behavior, and I translated it for her. I haven’t seen him in person for a while. I’ve been busy.”

“...oh,” Hijikata sighs. “Well, thanks, then. If you figure anything out, let me know.”

“Wait, wait, hold on!” Sakamoto says, grabbing his arm with a surprisingly strong grip. “Why do you want to know, Shinsengumi-san?”

“It’s not Shinsengumi-san, it’s Hijikata-san,” Katsura says. “Why do you want to know, though?”

“Well,” Hijikata says stiffly. “As me and Gintoki are in a relationship, I feel-”

“What?!” Sakamoto says. “Hey, what?! Did you hear that, Zura?”

“Ah,” Katsura says faintly. “Yes.”

“No wonder he’s off!” Sakamoto says, gesturing at Hijikata. 

“Excuse me?” Hijikata says, offended. 

“It wasn’t an insult,” Katsura says. “It’s just- hm. How to put it…”

“Kintoki’s kind of fucking stupid,” Sakamoto offers. 

“Yes,” Katsura agrees. 

“I don’t understand,” Hijikata says.

“Gintoki dates people he’s not in love with sometimes,” Katsura says, sounding tired. 

“W-what?” Hijikata asks dumbly. 

“Ahaha, sucks, right?” Sakamoto rubs the back of his head. “I wouldn’t know, cuz we were only ever fuck buddies, but Zura-chi got burned pretty badly back-”

“That’s enough reminiscing, I think,” Katsura says, cutting him off. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Sakamoto says. “Well, anyways, it’s really not your fault. It’s just that Kintoki’s kind of like a hamster! Ahaha! He does stupid things for no reason sometimes!”

“No, but-” Hijikata swallows. “He wouldn’t have- all the times-”

Sakamoto and Katsura exchange a glance. 

“How about you talk to him, then?” Katsura suggests. “If we’re wrong, then it’s just a conversation, right?”

“But if we’re right, then the problem gets solved!” Sakamoto says. “Right? The problem will be solved? Because if you really love Kintoki, you’ll let him go, right?”

It’s usually easy to forget that these two buffoons were some of the most feared warriors in the galaxy- are some of the most feared warriors in the galaxy. Right now, though, between Katsura’s hand on his sword hilt and Sakamoto’s grin, Hijikata is very aware of that fact. 

“You don’t have to threaten me,” Hijikata says. “I get it. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Ahaha! You’re a pretty good guy for a cop!” Sakamoto remarks. “You should quit your job!”

“Mmhn,” Hijikata says non-committedly. “Thanks for the help.”

“Of course!” Katsura says. “I’m always glad to lend Gintoki a hand.”

“Ah, Zura-chi, if that’s solved, then does that mean we’re off standby?” Sakamoto wonders. 

“A true samurai is always on standby,” Katsura says solemnly. 

“Ahaha! That’s so true!” Sakamoto says. “I’ll just tell Mutsu that when she comes down for my skin!”

Hijikata walks away. It’s all he can do, at this point.

- - -

Hijikata does care about Gintoki. He really does. It’s just that he’s also a coward, and desperately needs an answer to a question that he does not want to ask.

Days go by, and Hijikata does not pony up and talk to him. 

It’s really unfortunate, because with every passing hour, the likelihood of Sougo or Sarutobi or Otose or Shinpachi or Kagura or Sakamoto or Katsura or possibly even Takasugi’s ghost assassinating him grows exponentially. It’s really sad that he’s going to die so soon (so young!) but at least he can lie to himself and pretend that he never had a conversation with Katsura and Sakamoto about any troubling matters. 

Or, at least, that would have been his plan if time didn’t march unrelentingly towards the day he and Gintoki had agreed to meet up on. 

He can’t phone and say that something came up, because then it will look like he’s avoiding Gintoki (because he would be). Three days isn’t exactly a long time to go without an incidental run-in, but it will be suspicious if Hijikata skips out on a planned date. He has to go over tonight. 

He sighs, side-steps the giant swinging axe Sougo set up in his doorway, and heads over to Gintoki’s. 

“Hijikata-san!” Shinpachi says, letting him in. “It’s been a few days since I’ve seen you. Everything alright?”

“I’ve just been busy,” Hijikata replies, slipping off his shoes. Kagaru is lying on top of Saduharu, who’s lying on top of Gintoki, who’s currently experiencing a very nice view of the wood paneling on the floor. “Oh- Gintoki. I know we had plans but-”

“Eh? Don’t tell me you came all this way just to cancel?” Gintoki says, raising an eyebrow as he shifts slightly to face Hijikata. “I mean, I guess it’s classier than ghosting me or texting, but-”

“I’m not cancelling,” Hijikata says, exasperated. “We just need to talk.”

“WHAT?!” Kagura shouts, rolling off Saduharu. “You can’t break up with Gin-chan! How will he find anyone else who could love him?”

“I could love him,” Sarutobi calls out from the vent mournfully. 

“I know, Sachan,” Kagura says. “I know. But Gin-chan doesn’t love you.”

Hijikata relaxes slightly- he’d forgotten that Gintoki is perfectly fine rejecting people. He wouldn’t go out with Hijikata out of some weird sense of obligation- no, there’s something else going on here. He’ll bring it up at dinner, and they’ll both laugh about it, and then Gintoki will tell him what’s really been bothering him, and Hijikata will take care of it very easily and everyone will clap and cheer for him and Sougo might not even try to assassinate him at the wedding.

…what’s with that fantasy?! Isn’t it kind of out of character?! Hijikata shakes his head to clear it and focuses on the situation at hand. 

“I’m not breaking up with you,” Hijikata tells Gintoki, futilely trying to nudge Saduharu off of him with his foot. “Why do you always assume I’m breaking up with you when I tell you we need to talk? Has it ever occurred to you that people talk about things besides breaking up?”

“Hm, sounds fake,” Gintoki says, dead-lifting Saduharu so that he can sit up. “Can we still get dinner? I want a parfait.”

“Parfaits aren’t dinner,” Hijikata says. “But fine.”

“Bring us lots of leftovers!” Kagura says cheerfully. 

“Don’t say it like that!” Shinpachi scolds her. “Be more subtle, so that he thinks he came up with the idea himself! Gin-san’s more likely to do stuff when he thinks its his choice. He doesn’t like following instructions.”

“Oi, oi,” Gintoki says. “Are you trying to bait me into saying that I’ll bring back leftovers to show you that I can follow instructions?”

“...is it working?” Shinpachi asks. 

“No,” says Gintoki. “I was actually already gonna bring back leftovers, but now I can’t, because I gotta prove you wrong.”

“Darn it,” Shinpachi mutters. 

“Too subtle! I told you it wouldn’t work,” Kagura sighs. “Let’s just guilt Mayora for some cash instead.”

“Hey, what? What was it you just said? What?” Hijikata says. They hit him with their puppy eyes. He silently passes over a wad of cash. 

“And you knew it was coming, too,” Gintoki remarks as they scramble out the door. “That’s kind of pathetic. I guess we’ve got to work on immunizing you to their devilish charms.”

“Don’t say it like that,” Hijikata grumbles, and holds open the door for Gintoki. 

They’re not going anywhere special- just a restaurant they’re both fairly fond of. Gintoki likes the price on the parfaits, and Hijikata likes that it’s quiet. It’s the perfect spot to talk.

…Gintoki will let it slide if he doesn't bring the issue back up. As much as Hijikata wants to-

“Gintoki,” he says, after they both order. “So- I ran into Katsura and Sakamoto the other day.”

“Did they give you the old shovel talk?” Gintkoi asks, scratching his ear. “I promise you, they’re not as scary as they wish they were. I mean, the government's still here, isn’t it? Well, I guess Tatsuma’s not really focusing on that… and he does have a really successful trading business… but that’s mostly Mutsu, anyways, and she doesn’t put up with his nonsense. She wouldn’t waste time killing you.”

“Comforting,” Hijikata remarks dryly. “But no, that’s not really what I wanted to talk about.”

Gintoki stares at him with his dead-fish eyes, expression completely emotionless. 

“Gintoki,” HIjikata says. “I love you.”

“Yeah, I know,” Gintoki says, squirming in his seat a little. “You already told me.”

“Do you love me?” Hijkata asks, watching Gintoki carefully.

“Huh?” Gintoki says. “Wait, you mean you need to see more reciprocation in the bedroom? Geez, way to scare a guy. If this is about last time when I fell asleep in the middle of-”

“It’s not!” Hijikata snaps. Gintoki is usually unfortunately good at sex. That’s not a problem. It probably never will be.

“Because that was a one-time event, and entirely your fault in the first place for dragging me around all day when I should have been taking naps and stuff to recharge. I’m a lazy guy! I can’t do too much without getting sleepy,” Gintoki rambles. “You should really know that by now, Hijikata-kun-”

“I am asking,” Hijikata says. “If you love me.”

“...yeah,” Gintoki says. “I mean, yeah.”

It’s kind of incredible to hear out loud. Hijikata wonders if he’s ever told anyone else like this. Somehow, he can’t imagine it- Gintoki says it every day with his actions, but it’s hard to coax him into saying anything meaningful with his words. 

It’s almost special enough that Hijikata stops pressing right there- almost enough of a miracle that Hijikata gives up, and lets the matter rest. 

Almost. 

“Romantically?” Hijikata asks quietly.

Gintoki doesn’t reply. He just stares out beyond Hijikata, eyes not really seeing anything at all. Hijikata half-hopes that he didn’t hear the question, because that would mean that he’s not just avoiding it, but-

“Yeah,” says Gintoki. It sounds like a lie. 

“You…” Hijikata sighs. He lights a cigarette and puts it to his mouth. 

“But does it really matter?” Gintoki asks. “I mean… you’re happy with this, and-”

“What the fuck?” Hijikata says, almost choking on the cigarette. 

“Huh?” Gintoki pauses, blinking owlishly at him. 

“You- I’m happy? Seriously?” Hijikata shakes his head. “You know that I want you to be happy too, right? If there’s someone else-”

“Hijikata,” Gintoki says, smiling. “There’s no one else.”

The problem, Hijikata thinks bitterly, with Gintoki is that he expects everyone to be able to read between the lines of what he’s saying. 

“You’re not in love with me,” Hijikata says. 

“But I love you,” Gintoki says. 

“But they’re different,” Hijikata pinches his forehead. “There’s no one else? What did you mean by that? I need you to answer me clearly, please.”

“...I’ve just never been in love with anyone,” Gintoki shrugs. “I don’t really think it’ll ever happen. Does it matter?”

“Yes, it matters!” Hijikata says. 

“Okay. Sorry,” says Gintoki. “...guess we are breaking up then, huh?”

“Do you want to?” Hijikata asks. 

“Eh?” Gintoki blinks. “What are you talking about? You’re upset because I lied, right?”

“Yeah!” Hijikata says. “But I’m also upset because Kagura says you’ve been sad lately, and I don’t want you to be sad! Is that really so hard to believe? I want to know if dating me makes you sad.”

“How should I know?!” Gintoki says. “Have I been sad lately? What?”

“YOU DIDN’T NOTICE?” Hijikata asks. He slumps down in his seat. “You. God. Gintoki. What the fuck.”

“I didn’t notice,” Gintoki repeats, a little too mortified to be lying. “But- I mean, no, because- why would dating someone make me sad? That doesn’t make sense.”

“You didn’t notice,” Hijikata says again, pushing down the urge to giggle. 

“I like spending time with you,” Gintoki counts out on his fingers. “And I like taking your money, and I like it when you call me by my name, and I like that you’re getting closer with Shinpachi and Kagura. And that’s pretty much everything that’s changed! So I should like dating you.”

“Okay,” Hijikata says. “Do you?”

Gintoki frowns. 

Hijikata gives him a moment to think about it- it’s probably the most introspection Gintoki’s done in the past five years, after all. The waitress comes by with two parfaits and a small side of roasted carrots (ordered against his will) for Gintoki, and a steak and a bottle of mayonnaise for Hijikata. He starts covering his steak in mayo while Gintoki thinks. 

“I guess not,” Gintoki finally says, too lost in thought to even start eating his parfait. “But I don’t know why! It doesn’t make sense.”

“Doesn’t have to, I guess,” Hijikata shrugs through a mouthful of mayo (tastefully garnished with steak). “It’s not like falling in love makes sense. It just kind of… happens. I guess I wouldn’t really want to date Kondo, even if I like spending time with him. Our relationship’s just different.”

“Hm,” Gintoki says. His eyes flick over to the parfaits. “Oh.”

“So… are we breaking up?” Hijikata asks, ignoring the pain in his heart. “I can still… stop by, and buy groceries, and stuff.”

“Huh?” Gintoki says, reaching for his parfait. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to,” Hijikata says. 

“Oh, okay,” Gintoki says, stirring it. “...that’d be fine.”

They stare at each other. 

“I’m sorry,” Gintoki says. “I guess I didn’t really think things through. I kind of thought… I don’t know.”

“...it’s fine,” Hijikata says, and kind of means it. “I mean, it sucks. And I wish you had just turned me down to begin with. But… it’s fine. And it’s not like you did it to be cruel.”

“I mean, does that matter?” Gintoki laughs awkwardly. “I still did it.”

“...I think it matters because I still want to be friends,” Hijikata says. 

“Oh,” says Gintoki. “Okay.”

“...are you aware that you apparently did the same thing to Katsura back when you two were fighting together?” Hijikata asks.

Gintoki stares blankly at him. 

“Oh my god,” Hijkata huffs breathlessly. 

“ Oh wait do you mean Zura?” Gintoki brightens up. “Yes, I know that! He was really pissed about the lying. I don’t even think he was mad that I didn’t love him or anything- he’s just kind of stuffy! He doesn’t think a true samurai should tell falsehoods. That’s probably why the police are always catching him, you know? He’s not very good at lying about his identity unless he’s telling a story, but those always get out of hand-”

“You’re so stupid,” Hijikata groans, head in hands. “FInish your parfaits and let’s get out of here. I need you to tell your kids that it was your idea to break up with me so that they don’t remove my balls with hot tongs.”

“Eh? Hijikata-kun, you’re the one who told me we should break up,” Gintoki says smugly. “You’re the one who started the whole conversation, even- was all of this just a ploy to break up with me so that you wouldn’t have to deal with my extreme spending habits? Gasp. I’m seriously hurt.”

“That’s not how it is and you know it!” Hijikata shouts. 

- - -

In the end, they get kicked out of the diner, and Hijikata keeps his balls, even though he does have a few close calls. Things stay pretty much the same- the sex is still good, if not relaxing, and he buys groceries for Gintoki, and tries to ignore all the people nagging him to quit his job. Even Sougo joins in on the fun- even if it is only so he can steal Hijikata’s position as vice-chief. 

He’s happy. It’s not perfect, but he’s happy. He’s pretty sure Gintoki’s happy, too. He’s not the best at reading between the lines, there- but no one else has raised any concerns, so it’s probably fine. 

“Oi, tax thief!” Gintoki shouts. “Get off of the balcony and stop polluting our lovely Kabukicho air with your smoke!” 

“It’s not just me!” Hijikata retorts. “Go talk to your landlady!”

“Eh? No way! She’s way scarier than you are,” Gintoki says. 

Hijikata frowns. “No, she’s not.” Yes, she is. 

“Uh-huh,” Gintoki says. “Come in and eat breakfast, and then drive to work and put in your two-weeks notice. Or just quit on the spot- to hell with respectability, right?”

“I’ll eat breakfast,” Hijikata allows. 

“Well, we’ll get you one day,” Gintoki sighs. “You really aren’t doing any good for anyone like that, you know…”

Hijikata tunes the familiar spiel out and starts piling mayo on his off-brand Captain Crunch.

Yeah. Things are good. They’re happy.