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Darkness.
He's all too familiar with it.
It's always been there, most of his life, after all. Sometimes it's barely noticeable, and other times it's horribly suffocating. There's times it takes a physical form, like his pitch black cell back at the readjustment facility where darkness swallowed him unforgivingly the majority of his time spent there. Then there were times it took on a mental form. Nightmares, flashbacks, the inability to tell real from fake.
The darkness always haunted him one way or another, but the forms it took to torture him mentally were undoubtedly the worst.
Today was one of those days that John found the darkness enveloping him in its painful, inky black grip, wrapping around him like a vice, refusing to let him have even a moment of peace.
It had started when he had woken up in the morning, somehow on the floor, writhing and screaming in agony.
His wrists were in chains, Keon had a death grip on his hair, tugging hard on the ebony locks to force the boy to stare ahead, his father right in front of him being brutally slaughtered over and over and over again. What was worse, was that John couldn't move, he couldn't even close his eyes to stop himself from having to witness the horrifying murder of his father more times than he could count.
He had to sit there and watch, sobbing loudly as Keon mocked him, telling him to go save his dad and then proceeding to sneer in his ear about how much of a horrible person he was, how much of a monster he was for just letting his dad die just like that. He was frozen, he couldn't move, and yet he wasn't trying hard enough to save the one person who had been there for him his whole life.
It was his own fault his dad kept dying. Keon made sure to sear that into his brain every time his father's eyes went glassy with lifelessness in that horrifying nightmare.
It took only mere seconds before someone else was crouched on the floor in front of him, having startled awake by his screaming.
Warm hands had come up to gently cup the ravenette's cheeks, thumbs lightly brushing away the torrent of tears that trailed down his face as a soft, feminine voice whispered soothing words of comfort to help him through his distress.
She was oh so caring and oh so patient as she eventually guided his head to her chest, letting him press his ear to the spot she knew he could hear her heartbeat, calm and rhythmic as she worked to detangle the blankets wrapped around him.
John's pained wails and sobs eventually quieted to sniffles as he leaned against the girl who had him wrapped securely in her arms, her chin resting atop his head, long magenta hair extensions falling over her shoulders as she cradled her boy close.
John knew he was safe with Seraphina as he felt her fingers tangle gently in his hair. She always fought the darkness head on. She was the only one who could make it go away, and when it took hold of him, she didn't stop fighting till it did.
A surge of love bloomed in the boy's chest as he became more aware of the waking world around him. He had no idea how long it took for Seraphina to calm him down, but he was insanely grateful she never backed down from helping him out of his mental terrors no matter how bad his episode might be.
It didn't stop him from feeling bad that she had to deal with him, though, even though she always claimed she didn't “have to deal with him” she “wanted to be there for him.”
“Sorry.” John managed to choke out as Seraphina shifted to place a soft kiss atop his head, massaging his scalp gently. He always adored it when she played with his hair.
“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.” The magenta-haired girl told him sternly, but gently, placing her hands on his shoulders to push him back from her slightly so she could meet his eyes. “You don't ask to have nightmares. None of this is ever your fault.”
The ravenette's tired golden eyes met his girl's beautiful azure ones, affection and the promise of safety shining bright within them.
God, he didn't deserve her.
She was just so damn perfect, and here he was disturbing her peaceful morning by screaming bloody murder and rolling around on the floor like an animal.
Speaking of disturbing people's mornings, did he manage to wake up the rest of the house as well?
It was a rather large house, but there was no way anyone could have slept through all the noise he was making. He was extremely out of it, but he was pretty sure he was being very loud.
Seraphina must've read the question on his face, because she just knew him that well, and answered his question for him.
“Cameron and Marisol ran in here shortly after you started screaming.” At the look of guilt that flashed across the ravenette's face, the girl was quick to reassure him. “They both looked like they had been awake for a while, though. Both were already dressed for the day.” Seraphina's beautiful azure eyes never left his face.
John swallowed, glancing away in shame as he realized both his uncle and the housemaid bore witness to just how broken he really was. How pathetic he was.
He hated it.
Seeing the look on her boy's face, Seraphina lightly placed a hand on his pale cheek, gently turning his head back to look in her direction, her other hand coming up to brush midnight colored bangs out of his face.
She knew that look that had overtaken his features. She wouldn't let him fall down that self-deprecating hole if she had anything to say about it.
“They didn't see that much.” She reassured him. “I told them I had everything handled, and that they didn't need to be there.” The magenta-haired girl's eyes locked with his, shining with love and sincerity. “But John, no matter how much anyone saw, there is nothing to be ashamed about. You've been through so much. Things that no one should ever have to go through, and I am so proud of you.”
John's eyes widened slightly at his girl's words, brows furrowing as he took in her last sentence. Proud of him? What for? He voiced his question out loud, golden eyes shimmering with curiosity. He genuinely didn't know what he did for her to be so proud of him.
Her answer had his heart warming in his chest, his eyes widening even more.
“For being here.” Seraphina answered his question, a soft adoring smile on her face, one that had John warming even more. “After everything you've been through, you're still here, living through each day, and I know how hard that must be for you.”
The boy frowned at her words, looking down towards the ground. “But… there's a lot of days where I don't want to be here. Hell, not that long ago, during the raid on Wellston, I tried to ki–”
“I know.” Seraphina interrupted him, a pained look flashing across her eyes as she recalled the day Kayden had found her, Darren, and Leilah, a frantic look shining in his red eyes. They didn't know if John would make it, and that had absolutely terrified her. She didn't sleep the entire two days he was unconscious, even after his white-haired uncle confirmed that he would be ok.
The thought of losing him, the thought that she most likely would've lost him if Remi didn't find Cameron's contact information on a card in John's pocket, was too much for her.
She only let herself rest when John had finally awakened and she knew he was physically alright, her head resting in his lap as he idly played with her soft magenta-highlighted hair.
The girl was pulled out of her thoughts at the sound of a deep sigh escaping John's lips, the boy turning his exhausted golden gaze back up to her face.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up. I'm just…” the ravenette winced slightly and trailed off, turning his head to the side with another sigh and closing his eyes for a brief moment.
He suddenly found he didn't want to be thinking about any of this right now.
The authorities, his dad, his nightmares, his whole world getting flipped upside down and torn to shreds.
It was all too much, and the thought of his very recent nightmare Seraphina had just pulled him out from had his mind going fuzzy with static, trying to blur out the multiple grotesque images flashing across his vision.
No more.
He didn't want those images of his bloody and broken dad replaying through his mind like a record. Seeing it all once in a nightmare was way more than enough.
A thick fog began to blanket over his mind and John felt himself drifting, the disturbing images flashing through his mind washing away as the fog took over. He was falling into a dissociative state rather quickly, but he couldn't bring himself to care at the moment.
He distantly felt a hand tapping his cheek, trying to pull him out of the depths of the peaceful nothingness he was sinking into, but it didn't do anything. He was already too far gone, allowing the alluring nothingness to overtake him.
This wasn't the type of lonely nothingness the darkness brought, no. This nothingness was ok. It kept him safe. Just like Seraphina did, and John knew she would be right there next to him when he came to, back out of the fog.
With that comforting thought in mind, he let himself completely drift.
-
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-
When the ravenette slowly came back to, the first thing he noticed was that he was no longer in the bedroom, but instead in the living room.
Something soft, but heavy was wrapped around his shoulders, a steaming bowl of what looked like soup was on the coffee table in front of him, and he realized he was sitting on a couch.
A pressure on one of his hands had him blinking slowly and glancing down, catching sight of the smaller hands wrapped around one of his own bigger ones, delicate fingers intricately massaging the soft skin of his hand.
He knew immediately who it was, the black polished nails having given it away, and he sighed softly as he turned his head slightly to look at her, just noticing her head resting on his shoulder.
Feeling him shift, and hearing him sigh, Seraphina paused in her hand massaging, lifting her head off of John's shoulder to look at him with slightly raised brows.
The ravenette looked back at her, tilting his head slightly, not quite up to speaking yet.
The magenta-haired girl broke out into a smile, studying her boy's beautiful eyes and feeling relief flood her at the evident awareness now in them, his blank, glassy look from earlier not as present as before.
She gave his hand she was still holding a light squeeze, still smiling softly up at him.
“Hey.” Her voice was just as soft as her smile. “You back with us?”
John paused for a moment, gathering the rest of his bearings before slowly nodding his head, his eyes never once leaving her face.
His nod had her lips tugging further upwards in response, the magenta-haired girl leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on his nose.
“That's good.” Seraphina chuckled as his nose scrunched up slightly as a result of her kiss, a light blush dusting his cheeks.
God, he was adorable.
And he was her's.
Even if they couldn't really make things official with both of them being fugitives of the law trying to take down their corrupted government.
That was ok, though.
One day, in the future, when all this sh*t was over, they'd finally get to be a proper couple.
Until then, they were happy just the way they were.
John dragged his gaze from Seraphina's, his eyes falling back on the soup still sitting on the coffee table. He glanced back over to his girl with a raised brow, tugging what he figured out was a weighted blanket further over his shoulders.
Seraphina glanced from the mostly untouched soup back to the ravenette, sighing as she settled back into his side, snuggling as close as she could.
“I tried to get you to eat something while you were dissociating. You only took one sip of it before turning your head away when I offered you more.” The girl glanced up at him, worry swimming in her cerulean irises. “Maybe you could try eating a little more? I didn't want to push you while you were so out of it, but you haven't been eating that much since we arrived here and I'm worried you're gonna start losing too much weight.”
John felt guilt gnaw at his chest at the visible worry in the magenta-haired girl's tone.
He hated that she worried so much about him, but he couldn't tell her to stop.
After all, he worried about her just as much, maybe even more. He'd be a hypocrite if he told her to not stress so much over him. Even though she definitely wouldn't listen.
They cared about each other to the point where both would worry about the other's health over their own, and that would likely never change.
Neither would try to change it.
The boy furrowed his brows as he stared at the cooling soup on the coffee table, contemplating his choices.
It was true, he'd hardly had an appetite since he woke up at his uncle's house, and he really didn't have one at the moment either, but if he had to force himself to eat something to make Seraphina feel better, then so be it.
Anything to make her feel better.
With his mind made up, John started to rise off the couch to grab the soup in front of him, the weighted blanket slipping from his shoulders. Before he could, though, Seraphina smacked a hand lightly against his chest and pushed him back onto the couch, getting up to retrieve the soup instead.
Lord, he knew from just that touch alone his face was scarlet red, his heart rate spiking.
He was so f*cking head over heels it wasn't even funny.
Seraphina thought it was a little funny though as she turned back around to hand him the bowl of soup, her expression alight with amusement at the sight of his beet red face.
The ravenette simply turned his head to the side in mild embarrassment as he took the lukewarm bowl from the girl, said girl adjusting the weighted blanket over his shoulders before getting under it with him.
John found himself smiling as Seraphina wiggled her way under his arm and snuggled into his side, lifting his arm to better wrap it around his girl, holding her close.
Seraphina let out a content sigh and closed her eyes as John began to force down small sips of his soup, his hands gripping the bowl tightly, making sure it didn't slip from his grasp.
She knew he wasn't hungry, but she was thankful he was trying. Even if it was for her and not himself.
‘Baby steps.’ The magenta-haired girl told herself, pressing her cheek against John's muscular chest to listen to his heartbeat.
When she first arrived at Cameron's house with Kayden, she had laid in bed next to John's unconscious form for a few hours, her head pressed gingerly to his chest as she cried, listening to his heartbeat.
It was proof he hadn't succeeded in his attempt to end his life. Proof that he was still with her.
It would take awhile for John to heal mentally after everything, but she'd be with him every single step of the way.
John knew it too as he thought to himself later that night, cozily wrapped in a warm embrace, his head tucked under a chin, black polished nails carding through his thick hair.
He had a rough day, and he wasn't ok mentally, but one day he would be because he had his Sera.
As for Seraphina, she was more than happy to be John's reason for staying alive until he one day found reasons to live for himself.
She would help him find those reasons, and her pride in his strength to keep going would expand even further.
However, not quite known yet to Seraphina, she would always be John's most important reason to keep moving forward.
“You know I love you.” The magenta-haired girl whispered, burying her face in John's soft hair, inhaling deeply and pulling him impossibly closer.
“I know.” The boy responded sleepily, nuzzling further into her hold. “I love you too.”
The darkness was engulfed in light.