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In the early morning, just before dawn, Rody found himself stepping carefully into his jeans. He pressed his toe down, testing the floorboard for noise before settling his weight on it. This part was the worst, when he had to crawl out of the warmth of strong arms that cocooned him from the harsh reality of his life.
Natsuo blinked his eyes open at the lack of heat beside him, only to spot his lover quietly preparing to make an exit. He wanted to drag him back to bed, yet at the same time, felt content to admire him in the dim haze. This surreal time of morning, while the world was still sleeping and the sun hadn't pierced the darkness, was very much theirs. Something flipped in his stomach and chest as he watched Rody Soul, chill and gorgeous, tie up that mess of thick auburn hair in an attempt to be presentable. Shrugging on his signature canvas trench, he reached for fingerless gloves. Natsuo loved that detail, the way his strong fingers remained partially hidden, like an odd sort of burlesque.
“Leaving already?” Natsuo mumbled, just enough above a whisper to hear.
His low, sleep-filled murmur always made Rody's spine tingle. “Yeah. I gotta get home to make sure the kids are up for school and fed, before I head to work.”
“An early start today? But you worked late at the bar last night.”
Rody shrugged. “I kinda have to. You know that.”
Natsuo propped himself up on one elbow, rubbing his eye in such a boyish way, Rody had to stop himself from tackling him into the mattress. “Maybe… not? Just this once,” Natsuo added hastily. “I was thinking, maybe I can help—”
“No, no,” Rody cut him off, shaking his head adamantly. “I told you I don't want anything. It'll make me feel like you're buying me. That's not what this is.”
What is this, exactly?
Though they both thought it, the words remained unspoken. Despite no further expectations beyond their initial night together, the pair continued to be drawn into one another's orbit, over and over. Their stolen moments created a little nook in Rody's life where he could escape into pleasure and fantasy and joy, if only for a little while. And Natsuo— well, Rody had no idea why the older, broad-shouldered beauty stuck to him so hard. Any time he felt they were getting close, Natsuo shut down on him. He took that as a clear signal that hope of anything deeper than casual sex was pointless. Besides, Rody didn't have room in his life for something serious.
At least, he tried to convince himself of that. Because the problem became that, somewhere in the midst of their hookups, Rody fell in love.
Complicated and soulful, Natsuo could be a big bitch, but he was also truly tender. His kind but damaged heart affected Rody deeply, and he was soon unable to control his feelings. But he had to, so his own heart wouldn't be shattered.
A frown creased Natsuo’s brow as he averted his eyes, playing with a loose thread on his blanket. Surely, Rody could see that he wasn't treating him like a plaything. His offer to take care of him was genuine. Natsuo had tried so hard to look for a partner outside his family's fucked up dynamic, only to be with the same type of person, again and again. Then, Rody Soul appeared, with his electric energy, sexy smirk, and sassy attitude. That might have reeled him in, but what made Natsuo stay was Rody's fierce commitment to parenting his siblings and his steadfast moral compass.
Definitely everything Natsuo had dreamt of, but nothing he thought he could ever have.
And, the walls are up, Rody noted as he watched Natsuo retreat into his head. Relenting, he set his bag aside and moved to perch on the bed. Raking his fingers slowly through Natsuo’s silky white hair, Rody smiled affectionately as Natsuo lifted his gaze.
“Babe, do you need more attention? Cause this feels like you're pouting so that I'll stay.”
“I'm not pouting,” Natsuo grumbled. “But yeah, I'd like you to stay. I hate that you have to work like this.”
“Well, sure,” Rody shrugged again with a slight chuckle. “I know it must be hard for you to understand, but this is real life.”
Usually, Natsuo loved Rody's smile. It was one of his best features, and something that drew him in, the night they met. But this smile was different… tense, almost fake.
“What's that supposed to mean?"
“It means what it means,” Rody replied with ease. “You grew up with the advantage of not having to work for anything. I didn't.”
“I didn't exactly ask to be born into that.” The angry set of Natsuo’s jaw was too much for Rody, who began to feel like he was losing his patience.
“I know, and you told me you came to Otheon for a fresh start, but all I see is that you go around being pissy, while still living off your lousy dad's money. How's that working out?”
The minute the words slipped out, Rody knew it was a mistake. Not that he said them, but the way he approached the subject.
“Alright, wait, I know that sounded shitty—” he ventured, but Natsuo removed his hand from his hair, setting it down firmly.
“I keep Dad's money because he owes it to me,” Natsuo seethed.
“Yeah, dude, I get that. I'd do the same! No judgment on that. The thing is, I don't give a crap what the media said about your family. You never talk to me about it. And I see how it tears you up, much as you try to pretend otherwise.” Rody used a more calming tone, gazing at Natsuo with concern. “Hatred can eat away at people until it consumes them. You saw it first hand, with— well, um…”
Natsuo’s eyes reddened, filling with angry tears at the implied mention of Touya. “Maybe it's just … maybe I —”
Maybe I'm scared to disconnect from the security of what I know, as horrible as it is.
Maybe I'm already too damaged to be my real self.
Maybe I'm afraid to become my old man.
Maybe I'm terrified of how much I love you, and what that could do to us.
“Maybe I just don't want to talk to you about it,” Natsuo replied instead, his eyes darkening behind unshed tears.
Rody felt gut punched as he watched Natsuo’s demeanor shift.
“Mm-hmm, okay. Fine. We don't have to. After all, this is all just for a fuck, right?” Rody rose, moving to shoulder his bag. “So don't expect me to give anything up for you.”
Natsuo watched as Rody gave a casual salute, devoid of any of the happiness and warmth they shared. It was all wrong. Nothing in Rody's manner hearkened the tender man from just minutes ago, and Natsuo was suddenly scared he had messed up for good.
As Rody turned to leave, Pino alighted on his shoulder. The bird looked devastated, reduced to a tiny sobbing puddle of feathers, until Rody scooped her up and dropped her into his pack with a shush.
“Rody.”
Without turning around, Rody gave a dismissive wave over his shoulder.
“Rody, stop. Hold on.” Natsuo scrambled out of bed and was behind him in a few strides. Extending out his long arm past Rody's shoulder, he pressed his palm to the door to keep it closed. His nose nestled behind Rody's ear, filling his senses with patchouli and desire and hope.
“I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that at all. I do want to talk to you.” Natsuo took an anxious breath before plunging fully into his feelings. “You're actually the only person I really want to tell everything to.”
The concession was immediate, as Rody sank back against his chest.
“Yeah, I was being shitty, too. Could've handled that better.” His voice quaked with nerves. “We're just in different places with this thing we got going on, so I don't know how to feel right now.”
Natsuo paused to ponder his reply, then realized that had been his problem all along. Hesitation, overthinking. He needed to stop being scared, and start being real.
“I know I don't want us to be like this.”
“Then tell me how you want to be, Natsu. I'm not a fucking mind reader.”
“I want to be with you,” he said simply.
“Specifically how?”
Natsuo inhaled deeply, attempting to draw up his courage. “I'd love to live our life together, not just when it's convenient. I want to meet Roro and Lala, and for all of us to pursue our dreams together. I want to take care of you and make a family, as partners. Equals. I've just been so scared to say it cause I'm afraid I'll hurt you. Turn out like him.”
Rody turned around in his arms, his eyes reddened as he scrubbed his tearstained cheek with the back of his hand. The sight broke Natsuo, and he pulled Rody to his chest, holding him with a sense of desperation.
“You're not him,” Rody whispered, clinging to Natsuo. “You could never be, because you have a real heart. If you did hurt me, well, that doesn't mean I wouldn't understand where it came from. I couldn't excuse it, y'know? But, real talk— I don't believe you have it in you to hurt me. You overly worry, and I think the more you worry about it, the more you stay stuck in his grasp. If you're still thinking about him all the time, he's still controlling you. You don't deserve that. So, stop it.”
“You're right,” Natsuo relented, pulling back to meet his eyes. “It's not easy, but it's a place to start, right?” At Rody's encouraging nod, he sighed. “I'll work on that. But if we're doing real talk, you have to try, too.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you. You're running in circles, like me. Just in a different way. And I don't mean with the kids. Every selfless thing you do is admirable. But you define yourself by your have-to’s. I don't know what it's like to be in survival mode all the time, but I do know what it's like to live life on a shitty hamster wheel, because it's comfortable. Well… maybe not comfortable, but familiar. Something not as scary as branching out and changing your situation. Like me, being mad at my dad. We both have to get un-stuck. How else will we have a good life together?”
Rody quirked a brow at him, leaning back against the door. “You're making too much sense, now.”
“One of us needed to say it,” Natsuo replied, his expression softening as Rody gazed at him. There was a new light in his eyes, something touched with fear, yet warm and hopeful.
“Fuck, I really gotta go.” Patting Natsuo’s chest, he shifted his bag and pushed off the door. “But… ah, he'll with it, I'll call off my next shift tonight. Maybe we can go out on an actual date for once?”
“Of course we can.” Natsuo’s tone was tender, and he pressed his palm to Rody's cheek. “In fact, why don't you stop by before you head home later? I'll make a dinner you can take to Lala and Roro. At least then you can somewhat relax beforehand, right?”
“That all depends on how your cooking turns out.”
Amused, Natsuo pressed his lips to Rody's cheeky grin— softly at first, before it turned into several minutes of intense kissing that almost brought Rody back under the sheets.
“You know what,” he breathed as he broke the kiss. “Why don't you come over and cook for us, instead? Make it a dinner date. The kitchen is small, but I'm sure you can make due.”
“Meet the kids?”
Rody nodded. “It's a decent sized jump in the right direction, isn't it?”
Natsuo’s genuine smile was the best thing Rody had ever seen. “Yeah. Okay.”
Adjusting his pants, Rody gave Natsuo a swift kiss, punctuated by a final flirty glance. As he reached behind him to open the door, Pino wiggled out of the bag, perching on his shoulder. Happily fluffed and chirping, the bird hid her blushing face behind a tiny wing.
Natsuo felt his smile growing, keeping Rody's beautiful eyes locked with his until the door was closed. He hurried to the window, noticing that it had begun to snow. Below him, Rody exited the building, boots crunching in the silent morning. Snowflakes alighted on his hair, and he tucked his hands in his pockets, walking with a slight skip to his step. Rody disappeared around the corner, leaving his footprints behind in the otherwise untouched dusting of snow.
Rody was his reason for coming here, Natsuo realized. Not just the man himself. The complete untethering from expectations, a clean slate to begin a better life. For both of them.